more thinspo!!!! :]]]]]

http://starvingthinspo.blogspot.com/

new years resolutions

1. I will be completely vegan.
2. I will reach 123 pounds by graduation.
3. I will get a job, car and apartment.
4. I will reach my ultimate goal weight of 111 pounds.
5. I will exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. I will never EVER go over 800 calories a day, unless forced.
7. I will attempt abc at least 3 times.
8. I will eat more fruits and vegetables that are good for me.
9. I will take my vitamin everyday, no matter what.
10. I will not binge.

I'm fasting on new years day, and january 2nd, I'm starting ABC again.
Lets do this :]

christmas

went sooooooooo amazingly well i shocked myself...

all i ate was half of a sandwich and a bowl of broccoli :]]]]]

AND AND AND...
I GOT DDR!!!!!!!!!!

woooooooo
yay for new exercise :D

so i guess you all know what i'll be doing today...

charlie, v, and falling starlight

i <3 you!

fyi, i did spend today doing what I wanted to do, with peace and quiet, and it was a very good day :]

i looked at lots of thinspo, and sang karaoke lol
cuz karaoke is best when nobody is watching :]]]]] hehe

AND AND AND...
i fasted :] all day :]
which is significant b/c usually home alone means peace and quiet time to eat whatever i want, however i want with nobody watching...
but not today!

muahahahaha!

maybe santa will be good to me this year... i've been better this year than most years... know why?!?!?! cuz i lost 65 pounds this year.
isn't that amazing? i cant really believe it myself, but the scale tells me otherwise :] yay

i hope everyone has the best christmas ever, i may or may not post tomorrow, depends on if i have time, lots to do :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

i love you guys so much!!!!
stay strong and merry christmas!
or, if you don't celebrate christmas, then have a happy (insert winter holiday name here)!
<333333333333333333333333

alone

on christmas eve... my whole family is gathered at my great aunts house to eat and open presents.. and my mom left me at home. she knew i wanted to go. she saw me getting dressed. i asked her when they were planning on leaving.

she didnt tell me she was leaving, just got in the truck and left, and didnt say goodbye...

she doesnt care about me at all.. this documents proof of that fact. i dont exist to her.

just wait, cuz one day shell wish she had paid attention. one day i'll be something amazing. something worthy of attention and love. one day shell be like damn i wonder what has happened to my daughter... but by then, ill be in california, far away from her, and after i leave, im not coming back, or writing, or calling, for at least a very very very long time.

i wish someone cared. i wish brandon would come back. i wish i was good enough for somebody, anybody, to just care about me. i don't want to be alone.

i don't want to be alone :(

Thinspo Site :D

merry christmas to all my skinnies :D red, green, and winter thinspo, lots and lots and lots of pictures i told you it was gonna be epic :DDDDD go here:
starvingthinspo.blogspot.com

yay :DDDD

i feel like im on crack right about now... all jittery and happy and relieved omfg
i had JUST enough money to get akavar AND laxatives YAY!

i might end up going to see family tomorrow, if i'm less than 155, but only if, which i should be, cuz today wasnt a horrible day, and cuz i took.. ehem... 30 laxatives... um... yeah...

yay for shitting :S

round 2

ding ding!
my tummy hurts really bad this time... does that mean its working?

if it doesnt work today, im just gonna ride my bike to cvs and buy some laxatives.
i wish walmart was rigth next door... its way too far for me to ride my bike to it would probably take 20 minutes to get there, and twenty to get back...
hey wait, i need exercise anyways... and that would burn off like 400 ish calories... not to mention the laxatives are cheaper there, and i have a gift card... and i could get my diet pills too...
but im scared someone would steal my bike... and people would think im some weird homeless girl on a bike... damn the neighborhood...

i wish i lived on the better side of town...
when i get an apartment, its definitely gonna be in arlington or at the beach, most deff, cuz the northside sucks ass..

note to anyone ever thinking about visiting florida: the northside of jacksonville SuCkS! don't come here!

actually, the whole city is kind of boring and lame anyways, so dont come here at all.
go to orlando, or just stay out of florida.
there really is nothing in florida unless you go to orlando.
which is why when i get a hair license im getting OUT and going to either new york or california.

lalala
im hyper...
i hate it this time though cuz i know its from all ther SHIT ive been eating ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
i neeeeeeeeeed my control back :[
i thougth it was coming back, but then...... it was just wishful thinking.
i hate losing control :(((
i hate that all my new clothes my mom is giving me for christmas are a size too small, even though i did that on purpose so i would have incentive to lose more weight... but now, i wont be able to wer new clothes on christmas...
ill just wear pajamas all day, like ive been doing the past 6 days, because im too fat to even THINK about wearing anything else.

I will not wear cute clothes until I'm back to 150.
thats a good goal, right?
It might work... im definitely not going to eat anymore today... i feel sick... too much sugar, too much salt from yesterdays salt water flush gone wrong... and im mega bloated today because of it... so todays flush better fuckign work, if not, then im going to water fast for the next 2 weeks.

omg i used to be able to fast for like 6 days where did that go???

what have i done to myself....

salt water flush...

nothing happened.
nothing at all....
hmmm.....

blegh!!!!!!!!!

eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww i forgot how nasty this stuff tastes i got about 3 out of 4 cups down so far :PPPPP i WILL get the fourth cup down! i hope it actually works this time though omg it freaking better
it tastes like... salty boiled eggs... and chicken broth... eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww two of the worst things ever omg ack i think im gonna vomit
no i wont it takes a lot to make me throw up which sucks but whatevs

only like 3 big gulps left....
aaaaaaaaannnnddddddddd were done
im off to massage my tummy and wait for the big bang....
i never want to go to the ocean again. ever.

master cleanse?

if you've done it, tell me how it went.
i want to do it starting january 1st for 10 days, and transition from that into an abc based diet with 99% fruits and vegetables

just a thought.

sorry i keep posting lol
im just boreddddddddddd
and too lazy to exercise.

also, im going to try a salt water flush.
ive tried it twice before, the first time i barely got 3 gulps of that stuff down, it was soooooooo gross...
the second time i got half of it.
maybe this time it will work?

my tummy feels empty, all i've had today is water and coffee, and i feel so much better than i did around this time yesterday.
i love fasting. so clean...

anyways...
off to flush out my intestines! wish me luck!
hopefully it works this time, and i'll wake up tomorrow like 10 pounds lighter o.o
jk, i know thats impossible, but still, i can dream :]

oh yeah, and im almost finished creating my thinspo site ill hopefully be done by like tomorrow ish with lots of christmas thinspo!!!!
woot :D

yay

i dont care that im 9 lbs away from my low weight, because today im lower than 160, which is good enough, and also means ill be somewhere around like 154 tomorrow, because im fasting today, and i ate like... 65g of fiber yesterday, so that should get things moving since i dont have a ride to the store for laxatives, but as soon as i get one im so gonna get like 80 of them and take at least half, and then i can get back into my zone, as soon as i can get more akavar... if i fast until christmas, maybe i can fit into my clothes, so i wont have to wear pajamas all day like i have been doing for the past 5 days, because im just so fucking fat :/
but no more!
because today is a new day, and things are moving, and im only having water and coffee today, at least like 5 24-ounce bottles of water, and my usual 4 cupz of coffee, and maybe some slimming tea later on today.
oh yeah, haha my brother and i haha we made a gingerbread house yesterday hahahahahaha and my mom was pissed because before she even got home to see it half of the roof was gone hahahahaha
oops.
lmao.
it was soooooooooooooo yummy.
but that was the fat me taking over yesterday, and i can feel the skinny girl in there, shes right there, she wants to be able to breathe again, so im gonna stop smothering her with all my gross food and fatness and grossness....
yay for water :D

i should probably...

...stop eating like a fatty :/

and i should probably drink like fifty gallons of water tomorrow.
because i have gained more water weight the past 4 days than i ever have in my entire life.

i'll start right now: 1 gallon down, one to go before bed...

i should also probably exercise tonight, cuz i haven't done that since...thursday :///

you know what i will most likely do after i hit "publish post"?

go find something to eat.
fml.


*edit*
yeah, thats right, eat some more you fatass bitch...
at least its broccoli, and not like.. cake..
holy shit did someone say cake aaaaaaaaaa
nom nom nom

*edit dos*
no! hah! i didnt eat cake.
i wonder what will happen if i drink 5 gallons of water and eat a whoooooooole lot of fiber tomorrow....
recommended intake for average adult is 25-30 grams, im shooting for 50.
here's to nothing left to lose, except the 10 pounds i gained the past 4 days.....

beast

i have the best thinspo collection ever, no doubt.
it has a total of 5172 pictures, and this number grows every time i turn on my computer :]

i want to start a thisnpo site.
i think i might just do that.
i'm putting it on my new years resolutions list :]

149 and losing

i gained massive weight.

but i punished myself with no blogging until i could do 5 days of abc no problem :]

yay

this will be me when i get an apartment with my ana friend and i can finally have my kitty:

this is probably one of my favorite pictures ever. three reasons why: i'm going to be tiny like her one day, instead of this hideous monstrosity of a person that i am today. i want to get my bangs cut again one day, like this, because it always looks adorable on me. there's this cat that has been hanging around my grammas house for like 2 months now, but i cant bring him home b/c my mom and brother are allergic to cats, but when i get an apartment, i can finally have him :] his name is mr tuna :]]

i got some of this tea stuff by Good Earth, it's slimming tea, i hope it works. it tastes amazing.

i wish i had more to update... nothing really speacial is going on... i slept last night for like 15 hours woooo :]]]]]]]

love and firce to all my skinnies <3

looking thin in layers is more amazing than looking thin naked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zp38GKhDFiA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUI8fKNaQeM

i'm a monster.

i keep letting people down. i keep letting myself down. i keep hurting things, and people, and myself.
when i look at the world, when i look in the mirror, i choose to see rainbows and butterflies and smiling faces and bones and llamas and happiness.
but when i wake up i see terror and destruction, most of which came from me.
when i open my eyes and truly see myself, i am a monster.
a huge disgusting slimey godzilla monster who hates everything and hates herself and cant control herself and loves nothing except making things and everyone around her suffer.
there was a good girl, but the monster ate her, just as she was beginning to know what it feels like to feel normal. just as she was beginning to see that some things can be perfect.

but what if there is no perfection?
there's no point to anything because im only going to let myself down in the end, so why bother making myself try at something that might not even be real.

my best friend told me that reality is what i make it, but what if the only reality i can make is based on lies? what if the whole world is built upon lies and hate and greed and nothingness, the kind of nothingness and emptiness that cant be filled by anything at all.

because nothing can fill the hole inside of me. it's a bottomless pit.
and when i choose not to see it, i almost feel better. when i starve that hole, it almost disappears. it's my own alternate reality. complete with llamas and smiles and bones and rainbows.

but then i open my eyes and remember that there is a hole inside of me and the monster will do anything to dig that hole deeper, and hurt me more and more and more.
i keep hurting myself over and over again because i don't know how to stop lying to myself.
my whole life is based on lies.

and then i don't even care. i don't care that i'm a monster, because the monster's brain only wants to eat everything up, and destroy everything.

i don't want to be a monster. i promise i'm a good person. i know i am.
i know the good person is somewhere in there, but its really hard to dig her out of these horrible layers of disgusting emptiness and nothingness and this apathetic monster keeps swallowing her back in when she almost reaches the surface.

i know there's a good person somewhere inside of me, but i don't want anyone to hang around and wait for her to come out because she will never come out, and i only hurt the people who wait around on me.

the tyra show comes on the wb!

for me, it's channel 17, at my friend's house, it's channel 9?
lol yay for awesome tyra :]

upd8 tym:
NEW LOW WEIGHT :]
officially in the 40s, at 148, hellz yeah

day 10 is going splendidly, thanks to not having enough time to come on blogger to update so now i have lots and lots to catch up on, lots of blogs to read, because yes, i do read all you guys's blogs, but my computer won't let me comment most of them for some reason...

omfg funny story: my best friend spent the night on friday night and she was like heatehr please lets binge i want to so bad waaaahhhhhh
so we went to almart and got this huge ass cheesecake the variety kind with like 12 slices or whatever... even though were both vegan...
and she ate most of it, but i did have like 3 slices and it was amazing and almost totally worth it.
but alas, we didnt finish the whole thing because it was so rich, so as she was driving 45 mph down the road back to my house, i threw the rest of the cheesecake out the window.
xD yay for getting rid of evidence!
and i hated myself for eating it, but the next morning i was 149!
and this morning i woke up after sleeping for 12 hours and im 148!
and today is day 10 of abc, so im fasting, and will hopefully lose another pound by tomorrow to get to 147 which has been a goal i've been aiming for for a while now :]

also, i hope everyone is having a great holiday season.
the best thing ever to make you in a better mood: youtube search for christmas karaoke :] i love singing christmas songs :]

i will be 140 by christmas!
i must i must i must!

day 6: 200

yesterday was fail, but today was actually amazingly really well omg because i stood up to the biggest test of all!
story time yay

i made a huge bowl of cake batter.

and ate 3 tiny bites.



and flushed the rest down the toilet!
hell yeah!

:]]]]]]]]] thats always been one of my big weaknesses..... but i said no, i had control aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
AND, i stayed under the 200 limit :]
300 tomorrow, should be easy as cake :]]]

<3333333333333333333

thanks for the lovely comment,

but i think i'll just ignore it and move on with life. except for to say that if your taking the time to tell me how insecure i am, probably means you have insecurities yourself, eh?
but then, who in today's world doesn't have insecurities, unless your amazingly gorgeous and famous or something.
but then, even meagan fox has insecurities, which leads me to believe that yes, everyone is insecure about something.
so i won't judge you, even though you're taking the time to judge me.

bitch :p

anyways...
yes, diet mt dew is sex for my taste buds... like oral sex??? hahahahaha
idk...

intake:
veggies and hummus- 100 calories

excellent so far! off to watch the tyra show :]

day 4 (400)

plan: survive on diet mt dew until dinner, then have a can of green beans maybe if i'm good if i deserve it but probably not, so just some soup or something.

didn't go to school today, fixing to go grocery shopping w/ mom (gag, literally), and then exercise all day, including mowing the lawn.

hope everyone's abc's are easy as 123's :]
<333

xanga

got one: http://heather-hunger.xanga.com/

idk why though, ill probably just copy/paste entries from here to there... lol
mostly cuz xanga girls have amazing thinspo, something i'm in desperate need of if i'm going to finish abc.

and i AM going to finish abc.
no matter what.

nighty nighty lovelies <33

heebeejeebus!!!!

my computer is being stupid, but i really super want to tell you this in response to the comment and your latest post. lol.

"i hate how that logic makes perfect sense.
like, if im ugly then at least i can try to not be fat. because if im not fat, then i can say that im doing better than a lot of people out there, even if my face does look fucked up.
sometimes i get scared that maybe im just ugly too.
but it would be better to be skinny and ugly than fat and ugly i guess...
even though if i were skinny then there is a huge possibility i would still be depressed and fail at life and hate everything.....
but its worth a try??
maybe??

idk sorry for rambling i just really like this post it made me feel not so alone :]"

ily!
<3

heather

will be exercising until she dies for the rest of the day.
fml.
and the oreos.

but no, im not counting this as fail, there are no failures.
i'll start over right now and work to make today a better day.

i dont want to be sad anymore, so im going to focus on fixing things instead of worrying about them.

day 1 (500)

yesterday was amazing.

diet mt dew (x3) - 0
tea - 0
cereal w/ soymilk - 150
green beans - 70
popcorn - 200
sip of mexican liwour :] - rounds up to 500

exercise burned 1000 cals, rmr= 1600
total for yesterday: -2100 calories
weight today: 151!
yay :]

goals for today:
drink at least 4 water bottles
install new hard drive on computer
clean floors in house
finish abc calendar
exercises as usual tonight

abc

starts tomorrow, many of us are doing it, you should too :{D
the more, the merrier. the more people involved, the more support we will all have, the more pounds we will all lose.
there's even a forum: http://abcnow.proboards.com
yay!
oh yeah, today i weighed 152 :] im getting there again :]

except, thanksgiving was a fail, but i worked my ass off last night, and plan on doing the same tonight, and hopefully didnt gain weight from today, plus i took some laxatives, so all should be well :]]

i am so excited to do abc again.
i will do it, the whole thing, not just the first week.

we will all do this, and at the finish line, we will hold hands and take a skinny bow, and the world will see us for the beautiful goddesses we all are.
<333

addicted

to green beans and diet mountain dew.

ive probably posted this before

but i thought it was kind of inspirational, since i have come so far.

still not good enough.

must work harder.

my story:

mucho exercise-o!

i need to move.

i don't even remember how it felt when i used to exercise constantly.
i just remember feeling better, more confident, if thats possible, since i have no confidence like ever...

anyways, prettywreck has inspired me, and now i will lay down the laws:
1. I will perform at least 1 hour of some form of exercise every single night until December 1st.
2. The exercises will be mostly toning exercises, including 200 crunches, and weight lifting.
3. Within this hour, I will burn at least 200 calories on the exercise bike, and try to do this in less time than the previous night.
4. Should I do less than 1 hour, or skip a night, I must fast the next day no matter what and make up this lost time the next night.

5. I must do 100 crunches and 100 squats as soon as I wake up every morning until December 1st.
I have to start exercising. It will make me feel better, I will lose weight, and I will be well on my way to becoming more toned. If I complete this regime until dec. 1, I will continue on until Christmas.
hopefully i will be out of the 150s finally, and maybe reach my goal of gettign to 140 by the end of the year :]
yay for determination!

lalala

i have no intestines.
yup. they are gone.

i feel today like... blah, but in a good way?
im having a pretty good day i guess, just lazy and empty and bored
but i did really well yesterday, and today is going excellent :)

omg i just randomly got the hiccups

weirdddddddd
ummm..
not really anything to update really...

except turkey day tomorrow! thank god im vegan, and i might not even be going with my family this year, because it would cause too much drama and because i will have to eat and because i get no cell phone signal out there in the boonies with the hicks...
ugh.

yeah, definitely staying home.
to exercise all day :)
if im good i'll let myself eat tomorrow, but only if my fast today goes ok and if i feel in control enough to not binge.
and even then, i'll keep it under 500 calories max.

i just realized, that i have not brushed my teeth today yet, and i have horrible dragon breath, so im going to go brush my teeth and floss and obsess over making sure every surface inside of my mouth is totally clean :)
then i'm going to go work on my thinspo book :)

weight today: 153
goal by end of year: 140

let's go :D

yay day

skipped school again, but walked around alot with my bestie at the town center, and the beach, and target, and we even got to look at apartments and talk about how little food were gonna buy when we get one :]]]]

and, my mom doesnt know i skipped.
and, we didnt really eat alot.

we split a luna bar and then for lunch we both got burritos :]

except when i got home i ate a little, but not a binge :]

food: 800 ish calories
burned: ~1500 calolries (rmr)

now, off to exercise! then to watch tv!

i hope everyone else had an amazing day
<33333

d'aaawwwww :D (plus survey)

you guysssss!!!!!
i love getting you guyses comments :DDDD
they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :]]]

funny story:
last night my best freind and i binged like mad, and she threw up in my sink, and it got clogged.
we tried digging the vomit out with spoons, and poking it through with a skewer, but nothing worked.
it was so disgusting omg
and it took us three hours to realize, oh hey maybe we should try the plunger...
and it worked like magic.
best invention ever :]

another story:
tonight was the last slow pitch softball game i will ever play in high school.
i do not want to graduate.
but at least we won :D 12 to 8 oh yeahhh
and i got 4 hits :]
and the pictures my mom took turned out really great
i actually looked almost normal sized instead of the fat tub of lardy fatness :]
yay!!!!!

will update more later, busy with homework and stuff.. yah.

oh, my friend and i are gonna renew our eating contract :]
hopefully it will begin again on december 1st, and then maybe we will fine-tune it for the new year :]
yay!!!

and even though i did eat today, at least it was veggies, and 4 bites of an apple, and i feel pretty ok :]

omg and also walmart sells akavar for $10 now yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
****************************surveyyy :D************************************
Size: 9 (US)
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 215lbs
Lowest Weight: 149lbs
Goal Weight: 111lbs
Favorite Diet Food?Diet coke, soup, popcorn, tea, steamed veggies like broccoli
Favorite Binge Food?everything. peanut butter, ramen, burritos, cereal, hummus
Favorite Exercise?anything with weights, yoga, dancing
Thinspo?Before and after shots, real girl, vlada <3
What Makes You Slip Up?being alone, being in social settings, feeling sad, feeling really happy
What Makes You Strong?Seeing the scale go down, exercise
When Did It Start?psh. 9/21/91 (i wouldnt let my mom beast feed me... clue?)
Does Anyone Know?People who read this, my best friend, my ex bf
Do You Want Help?No. I don't think I need it.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? never more than 600 on a good day, preferably less than 500
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? flabby loose skin on my stomach and chest from letting it get that bad, thunder thighs, stretch marks, flabby arms, no definition, blobs of cottage cheese :P
Are You In A Relationship? yes.
Is It For Attention? no, i love him with every ounce of the pretty girl inside of me who is trying to get out.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?the fat one. i always have been, and even when i reach 111, i will still be the fat one. its in my personality now.
Are You Depressed?not really, i just dont care about anything.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no. i dont want to die, i just dont want to be alive sometimes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?duh.
Are You On Any Medication? no because i disagree with meds for problems this small. i can deal with it.
ARE YOU-
[xnotquitex] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[x] vegan
PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me
I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

i remember

when i used to write on here everyday.
when i used to write in my thinspo journal everyday.
when i used to look at thinspo everyday.
when i used to exercise every night, even if it was just a little bit.

i remember no calorie wednesdays, and fasting on sundays.

when i used to tell myself everyday that today is a new day, and i will do my best for today and not dwell on what happened yesterday, and not worry what will happen tomorrow.

when i used to focus on making today the best possible day.
when i used to lose weight...

i miss it.
and i think im coming home now.

because today is a new day, and its the perfect day to start over.
every minute is the perfect minute to try and make today a better day.

untitled

needless to say, the candy diet did not work at all..
so i threw out the rest of it and traded for almost every kind of carb there ever was.

today, my best friend and i skipped school to hang out at the town center.


but only because we both binged really horribly last night.

and thought it was a good idea to take fucking 50 laxatives each...
actually, she only took 45, but still...
we had to be close to bathrooms all day.

the whole time, i was praying i wouldnt see my intestines smiling up at me from the toilet bowl.

i really do hope i never take those fucking little blue pills ever the fuck again.

my bf broke up with me.
technically, were "taking a break", but still, it hurts.
he's bipolar, so im hoping this is just a depressive state, and that his "time to get his life back together" won't take forever.
im willing to ride the rollercoaster with him, because i love him, and when you love someone, you fight to stay with them.
and by taking this ride, and being there for him, that shows that im worth it... right?

i wish i felt worth it.

i wish i felt anything at all really.

i shit out 5 pounds of food today, and with that went all my emotions, every feeling ive ever felt before in my life, every ounce of happiness, sadness, anger, everything.
but empty is a better feeling than having the weight of the world in my stomach, and much better than being depressed.
im not depressed.
there aren't words for this. its so much worse.
its nothing and everything at the same time.

ana is eating my soul, and im serving it to her on a silver platter.

yay for halloween!

mega binge last night, but im not 160 so its ok!
and today im starting my new diet:

one piece of candy a day.

and thats it :)

this is the epitimy of ed

This picture pretty much encompasses everything my eating disorder entails. Every emotion is right there: sadness, insanity, depression, helplessness...

First thing:

I had my first panic attack in a really long time today. Right in the middle of first period, I ran to the bathroom, crying my fucking eyes out, because life smacked me right in the chest and took my breath away, and it hurt really really bad. These things occurred to me: It's October 30, and the application for the only 3 colleges I have any chance of getting into are November 1st, November 13th, and some other time in november. And I havent even applied to any colleges yet. And i havent applied to scholarships yet. And so i called my mom, she came to my school to pick me up, and i cried like a fucking 3 month old baby all the way home poor me why didnt i do these things earlier. Then, when i got home, i ate. and ate. and ate. and applied to all three colleges, and ate some more.

And then i felt a little better knowing at least the applications were finished, now i just have to get my transcripts and stuff in order.

second thing:

application fees.

normally, being dirt poor doesnt bother me. i actually enjoy it most of the time, because its less of a hassle when i dont have to worry about wearing expensive clothes, or looking perfect all the time, or whatever. material things dont matter.

but now, i realize, i cant even apply to college, because im too poor to pay the fucking application fee????? like seriously this is fucking ridiculous college tuitions are expensive enough as it is, and even though yes its only 30 dollars an app thats a whole almost hundred dollars for all three applications, and even if i apply i might not get in, so thats like wasting 30 dollars right into thin air.

i might as well be a drug addict, and waste money that way.

not like i would get into university of florida anyways, theres nothing special about me.

oh, except for that my admissions essay was based on fucking childhood obesity and the things that being fat have taught me.

tahts pretty fucking pathetic when the most important thing in my miserable fucking life is this goddamned monster thats consuming me and hes the only thing i really feel passion enough to write about.

i cant even fathom making true love to my boyfriend anymore becuase the whole time im constantly thinking to myself oh god im fat please dont let him be looking at my stomach or my thighs no just look into my eyes and stay there so i know your not looking ugh it fucking sucks.

number three?

binge. i feel it coming. and sine i know its coming, im going straight to my room to exercise.

but that will only relieve this insanity until i wake up tomorrow, sore and tired from the exercise, and from passing out from too much exercise. then ill have a whole day of trying to avoid eating as much as possible, which will be harder than usual because fucking tomorrow is fucking halloween and there will be fucking candy every fucking where.

and i just know my costume will look motherfucking horrible on me now because i ate so much today when i got home.

i hate that food is a fucking comfort, but that the comfort of biscuits and noodles and chocolate only lasts until i realize that all the food is fucking bad for me.

and that just makes me want fucking more food.

sbvdbfvhiasbgipuwernhvj!!!

i want this to end. i want to eb happy one day. i want to be skinny and be able to eat normally like everybody else one day. i want to graduate college and have a job and marry the love of my life and be able to make sweet passionate love to him, real love, and have babies with him and not be consumed by this monster all the time.

the first step of this is applying to college, and i cant even do that. god must have thought he was a real fucking joker when he put all this on me. wanna good laugh? lets tune into the heather channel today, see how shes holding up.

my best friend in the whole entire world had a seizure in my kitchen floor friday night.
because she's intensely bulimic and hadn't digested any real calories in almost a week.

and yet i havent had any kind of food since then.

life sucks.



and all the food on foodnetwork today wasn't even enough to make me crave anything.
and right now im enjoying being empty, disappearing, falling gently into ana's arms.
and i love it so much.
even though my hair is falling out.
even though i took 25 laxatives on friday.
even though my fingernails are getting that blue-ish tint to them.
and my skin has never been this dry before.
and my mouth has never tasted this horrible before,
even though i've brushed my teeth twice today.
and yes, even though i can't stand up too quickly, for fear of fainting, or worse, seizing in my best friend's kitchen, i can't stop this.
i can't stop this at all.
no matter how bad i want it, i just don't want it enough to stop.
it's my life now, and it's all that matters.
everything else is merely a distraction from whats really going on inside my head.
and when i feel like i need an escape from it, and i try not to think about it,
i just feel really lost.
like nothing else matters.

im so stressed out right now.
college early admissions deadline is next sunday, and i haven't done a damn thing to prepare for this, and i know i won't make any of the due dates.
and that fucking sucks.
because now i have to rush around to get all the paperwork filled out and sent in, and fucking admissions dues are skyrocketed and i don't have any money to even pay to apply to college.

i wish my life hadn't ended up like this, but honestly, i couldn't really see my life happening any other way.

woulda, coulda, shoulda

today would have been the perfect fast day:
I woke up empty. I was finally down to 155 again, after a long day of laxatives/diuretics and fasting. I really wanted to fast again today, or do liquids only, that way i would have had juice, then worked out for a little bit.
i could have had juice but...
Instead of juice, i decided that i would have a healthy meal, like a normal person. i had an english muffin with some sugar free jelly and peanut butter, half a banana, and some soymilk.
i should have stopped there,
but instead i ate all the new groceries my mom bought for me. yep. so at least there isnt much to eat for the rest of the week. at least i'll be safe then.

except now i have to do emergency contraception to all the food in my stomach right now, yet again. because im going to see rocky horror picture show tonight!
so i need to lose as much weight as possible by then.
so as soon as i stop eating, im going to eat 20 laxatives. and chug water. like a fish.
nop, more than a fish.
lots of water always helps to clear everything out faster.
and coffee.
i love drinking like a gallon of water when i get home from school, and then drinking coffee.
because i secretly love peeing. it makes me feel empty.
i havent peed today.
but thats because my body is dehydrated from all of these fucking laxatives.
but i cant help it.
and that only means i must drink two gallons of water today instead of just one.
and double the coffee tonight before i leave.

god have mercy on my bowels.

hmmm...

this week could have been so amazing.
i was being so good.

and then...

i blew it.
need i say more?

i feel really different right now than i think ive ever felt.
like...
i binged, but right now, i do not care.

i'm almost sick and tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. i hate that i do this to mysefl, and it only pays off until i backtrack.

i think i may take a break for a little while?
after this month is over, starting november first.
no more than a month or so..
but i want to try to do this the "healthy" way... you know, like 4 small meals a day?
i've done this before, and it worked just as well, except a little bit slower.

my goal was to get to 140 by the end of this year, and i'm pretty sure i will get there.
i just need time to think, to clear my head.
i want to try to water fast for the week before november, to get all this out of my system, and start fresh in november.

as for right now...
my kitchen is devouring me.
faster than i am devouring everything in it.

hugs n kisses

i just did something incredible

i ate so much just now. and didnt gain anything at all.......
here's the list:
4 pancakes
3 peanut butter sandwiches
2 bowls of ramen noodles
2 poptarts
2 bagels
2 bowls of cereal
3 veggie burgers
a huge bowl of mixed steamed vegetables

and guess where it is right now?

down my kitchen sink :0

i just chewed up like a months worth of food...
and spit it out into the sink.....

and even though im like 156 right now because i had a juice binge last night, i feel on top of the world!
because i have gone all day with no calories!
and i've gone like almost a week with no food at all!
(only cuz mom made me eat :P)

but yeah :)
coffee anyone?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeep :]

so happy.
this one will be quick ill update later.

but everything is so amazing right now.
im on top of the world :]
if anyone would like to donate a juicer... lol jk
yay for weight loss :D

im back, sorry :]

I've had way too much time to think about things.
But in a good way :]

I'm still fatfatfat, but I'm ok with it for now because as of yesterday my friend and I have contracted in blood not to consume any solids during the month of october.
SO it's liquids only for me until Halloween.

imma be so pretty :]

doin sooo good right now

Yesterday:
coffee with non-dairy creamer: 70 calories
banana: 110 calories
salad: 80 calories
pita bread with hummus: 250 calories
total: 510 calories

Today:
cereal with soymilk: 150 calories
coffee with creamer: 50 calories
apple: 100 calories
salad with veggie burger: 150 calories
total: 450 calories

today's weight: 151 pounds

I might have a cookie later, after I volunteer, just to treat myself :]

I'm going to be 145 on the day of my party.

I feel so strong.

Like this chick :D

i have the best friends in the world.

no lie. I don't care who you are, or how great you think your friends are, because mine are 100% better :] every single one of them.

I went to school on my birthday. And my best friend ever gave me an awesome cd, and we listened to it and danced the whole way to school. And her card was amazing. It had an old guy dancing on a table, and it said "You're only as old as you feel" And it took everything inside of my to not cry. I was laughing so hard, because the guy looked really funny, but the thought made me want to bawl my eyes out.

Also, my ana buddy is amazing. She has helped me through so much. And I can only hope I've been just as helpful to her as well.
And of course, to everyone who has ever commented my blog, you guys are awesome too.

So what if I was 160 for most of this week. So what if I felt horrible at times.
Cuz right now, I'm back to 153, with 147 just around the corner.
And 145 after that :]
Cuz I'm having a birthday party next friday, and I have to look my best for it because it's a rave/pool party :]]]]] I'm so excited.

And today was a good day.
And no, being 18 does not feel any different than being 6. Except for I have boobs now... and I can sign myself out of school early :{D
AND, I can buy porn if I want. And cigarettes. And diet pills. And condoms. And anything I want, including a house. But only if I want to. And most of those things I don't want or need right now.
I've been thinking alot lately, and had I used laxatives this weekend, I would still only be 153 today. Which makes me glad I didn't use them, especially because I know that I'm not dependant on them yet, and I never will be because I'm going to stop using them.

OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SHARE THIS:
my boyfriend took me out to dinner for my birthday. And he bought me the prettiest white gold heart necklace with diamonds in it. And it's real o.o and I wear it every day :] And he is amazing.

And yes, birthday sex is definitely the best kind in my experience thus far. And he told me I was sexy even though my stomach was all full of grossness from bingeing. Even though I was 160.

And this post has no real direction, just random things to keep me online until I decide to go exercise. And then I'm off to volunteer at the pet rescue shelter. And when I get home I'm going to have the most amazing salad ever. Because I have only had coffee and a banana and a spoon of peanut butter today.

And I'm reading Twilight... to keep me occupied...so I will NOT binge this weekend, like I have been seeming to do every single weekend since school has started.
This weekend will be different, because it's Friday, and usually I'm all sad on Fridays, but today I am really happy :]

And I am going to read you guys's blogs soon I promise. Sorry it's been a week. I've been thinking and adjusting things alot lately.

tomorrow i turn 18

and my life will be so over.

i've been really sad lately, because i don't want tomorrow to happen. ever. i want to be small and childish and naive and ignorant of everything in the world.

and i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay home and eat poptarts and watch the little mermaid and blow bubbles.

:(

vicious cycle

*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*binge*
*sleep*
*wake up, repeat*
*12 stool softeners*

gained: 6 pounds.

birthday goal: to not kill myself.
this week's goal: find 149 again, if possible.

goodbye, low numbers.

"hello, mr. heartache, i've been expecting you.
come in, and wear your welcome out, the way you always do.
you never say if you're here to stay, or only passing through,
so hello, mr. heartache, i've been expecting you."

wait a minute, at the start of this week, i was 157 ish. now i'm 155.. so technically, i lost 2 pounds, right?

i'm so weak right now

like you don't even know. But in a god way? Like... I slept for 12 hours last night, and still felt really titred. Then I literally chugged 2 pots of coffee. TWO POTS! I've never had that much coffee before. Needless to say, people thought I had taken speed before school Lol. But yeah then a few hours later I stood up and it was like everything from my old routine came right back to me: I stand up when the class bell rings, almost faint but don't, then walk to my next class out of pure memory because I can't really see anything because I'm convinced I'm half-unconscious from being so light-headed.
I love this part. It's my favorite part of all. Like I'm a fairie, or a ghost, something from some otherworld unknown to mortal humans.
Yes, immortal describes it perfectly :] I could do this forever.
152 pounds today. I'm right on track to being 147 if I keep losing a pound a day until Monday. I honestly have no clue what I will do if I see any number below 150. I'll be so happy. I've never weighed that in my whole entire life. This is probably the best thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.















We had to write a college admissions essay for english class, and I worte about being determined and strong-willed due to the effects of mean nasty children in elementary school.
I wrote about how I was swinging on the playground one day in 3rd grade, and the chains from the swing dug into my stomach because I was so big, and my favorite new shirt was already too tight, and so the chains made nasty stains on my new shirt and I was sad. And then, I tried to get out of the swing but I was stuck. And nobody ever swung next to me because I was fat, and so nobody was there to help me. I struggled to get out of the swing for like ten whole minutes and then I looked up and saw three of the pretty popular girls laughing their fucking asses off at me becaue "The fat girl got stuck in the swing again!!!"
I remember that night like it was fucking last night. It stuck with me all this time.
I went home, skipped dinner, and cried myself to sleep.
I was only like 10 years old, I didn't know that the food my family bought was the reason I was fat. But then, growing up with an entire family full of southern-conservative-baptists, who would know right from wrong? I had been brainwashed to think that greasy bacon and huge burgers with waaaaayyyyy too much extra cheese, and eating half of a whole fucking cake was normal, but it's not normal. It's not healthy. And realising that is the reason why I'm vegan now, and partly why I starve myself.
The other part has to do with control/trust/other issues I have with food, people, the world, my mom, etc...
I won't get into details about that, but yeah that's what I worte my essay on. And how it impacted me to lose 60 pounds and how that has made me a stronger person.
My teacher really liked it alot. I got an A on it :]

Good news! I'm 152, and I got my senior pictures back! I'll post those as soon as I get them uploaded!
Good luck to all my pretty girls and boys <333

yayyy

back down to 154 :)
finalllyyyyyy

and being inspired by this:
THIN

and i havent had any calories at all since i ate 5 poptarts on saturday :)

yay!

I want to be 147 on my birthday, in 7 days. 7 days, 7 pounds.
I got this :)

I burned 500 calories the other day on my bike btw.
I'm off to do that again right now :]]]

I love you all!!!!!!
<3333333

ok, you know what?!

fuck life. fuck people caring. fuck trying to hide this.
all that matters right now is me. my life, my body, my feelings, my goals.

nothing is going to stop me.

im going to be fucking skinny, no matter what it takes. i will weigh 123 pounds, and eventually 111 pounds, because that's my goal, and so far in my life i have half-assed everything. and im not going to be just half-ass in my personal goals, and im definitely not going to half-ass myself.

after a horrible last few day (as you may have guessed), and after some kickass thinspo from my amazing ana buddy, i am more determined now than ever.

as soon as my mom leaves, im going to ride the exercise bike for as long as i can stand. it's in front of the tv, so i'll just put in a movie and not let myself get off untill the movie's over. that should set me straight for a while.

im fasting starting right now. for as long as i can fucking take it. and im going to post blogs every single day until my birthday. i'm going to go brush my teeth, drink a gallon of water, and burn at least 300 calories on the bike thing.

mom just left.
here i go.

i am a magician: now you see me, now you don't.
my disappearing act begins now.

whyyyyyyyyyyyy

can i not stop eating omg i feel like a garbage disposal.. grosssss

tomorrow is sunday. fasting on sunday. yes. then liquid fasting this week.
I HAVE TO BE BELOW FUCKING 150 FOR MY BIRTHDAY GODDAMMIT

no more food ever. until my birthday. thats only 9 days. if i have done six before, i can do 9 right?

water. coffee. water. juice. water. coffee.

must. fast. must. be. clean.

must. stop. taking. laxatives!

must. fast. so. i. wont. need. them. ever. again.

grrrr
:/

awh :]

I get a lot of really great comments from like a bazillion amazing people on here. Like fer real. But certain people just make me literally tear up and go "AAAAAAAWWWWWHHH!!!!!" I love you PrettyWreck! It's great to know nobody is judging me here, even though I live in constant fear of that anyways. But someone saying that means sooo much like you have no idea. Like.. This is my safe little haven where I can say whatever the fuck I want, and if nobody likes it, then oh well, because this blog started as a release of everything inside of me, and that's what it should be: Me. No matter what mood I'm in. It just so happens I'm in sort of a good mood today, despite having a sprained hip :/
Yesterday I went hiking through the woods with my best guy friend ever from kindergarten. He was my very first boyfriend, but now he's gay (haha go figure we used to play barbies and watch the spice girls movie), but anyways he wants to be a photographer after college, and he loves photographing girls with long hair, so he asked me to come exploring with him in the woods near our houses. So I get there and he's all like "omg you've lost alot of weight you look so great omg" and I'm all *blushblushblush* "yeah i guess?" lol So we're pretty much hiking through this really tall grass and I started noticing my hip was sore a little bit, but I figured it was just because I'm not used to hiking in Florida heat for 4 hours, and that probably I should do this more often so I won't be so fucking lazy, so I ignored the pain like anyone with an ED naturally would.
But when I got home holy mother of sweet baby Jesus Christ on a cross... I wanted to scream. It hurt so bad by then. And when I woke up this morning, it was even worse. So I'm not going to school today, but to the doctor instead. Which is scary since last time I got officially weighed I was 170... So I'm currently chugging a gallon of water to make up for lost weight, haha yay!
But other than that, I feel really good today. I got a pep talk last night from one of my bestest friends ever, morg-ana, and I feel strong now :] Last night I ate some broccoli/carrots/edamame (150 calories), and this morning I can finally say I'm safely nestled back into the 150s at 155. Not too bad really, considering I lost and gained a total of 10 pounds over the weekend, but not good enough. I had half of a poptart today (100 calories) and hopefully tonight I will have like soup or something really low cal.
Then tomorrow is the famous No-calorie wednesday, and I'll eat on Thursday.
I really want Friday to be a liquids-only day. I really want to make that a trend. Fasting on Sundays and Wednesdays, and liquids only on Fridays. Until October, when me and my best friend ever are going to do liquids-only for 30 days!! I'm so excited for that.
OMG!!! I just realized that in 13 days, I will finally be legal! Then I can buy ciggarettes, porn, diet pills... AND stay out late at night :D AND go clubbing! Wooooo!!! LoL!
I can't wait for my birthday. I can't wait to see the number on my scale on my birthday. LOWLOWLOWLOW like apple bottom jeans :]
NO BINGEING UNTIL AFTER MY BIRFDAY!
*drinks coffee*
Much love to my pretty tiny little angels out there!
:]]
<333

bleh

When I quit drinking, I realised that the answers to all of my problems could never be found at the bottom of a bottle. I've been sober for almost 2 years now.
If I ever quit eating, I'll realise that the answers to my problems are definitely not at the bottom of a bowl or a plate. Then I'll be able to say, "I've been skinny almost 2 years now."

I wish I could control this, but like so many of us, I can't. We think we have control, we're on top of the world with control, but just when we think nothing can go wrong, our survival instincts take over, and we lose all control. Don't deny it, you know it happens.

Yes, I can admit I do not have control over my ED. My ED controls me, in almost every way.
I just choose to let it have me, because I don't feel like there's anything left of myself to worry about. And until I feel satisfied, I'm not going to try to stand up to it. It's my way of dealing with all the shit thats happening right now.

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not going to lie and say that I've lost sooo much weight and I feel sooooo good.. Because thats exactly what it would be: a lie. I'm not going to post my weight until I get it back down to normal. Maybe by the end of this week, if I find the strength to fast again.

It always seems that after the 3rd day of fasting, everything gets easier. Three days. I usually lose all my water weight after the third day, and I generally lose a pound a day after that for like 4 days. Just three days, that's all I need.

No, I'm not making any promises, or setting new rules, or whatever. That never works for me.

I need to find my old routine.
I miss it so much.

Fuck.

normal?

i think ive had a normal day.
800 calories.

toast with peanut butter for breakfast, an orange/apple/grapes for lunch, and when i got home i ate broccoli/carrots/baked potato...

i feel so weird right now.

and really really blah. and bloated as hell. and im still sick, but i think its going away, but im on my period now...
which explains why i gained 4 pounds between yesterday mornign and just now.. but oh well.
i dont really care today, because i am sick, and i feel blah and sad kinda but i dont feel like bingeing..

mostly because i had diet soda so my tummy is really full...

but yeah so normal ish day.. i dont think i ever want to try that again i feel gross and heavy i hate this :/

but yeah congrats to morg-ana she finally got to 140! yay!!
im hoping to be 150 by monday :/ i know i keep saying that, but i havent had any energy to exercise this week... and i think tomorrow i will be more strict. and then fast on sunday like always.

its possible. i can do it :)

im sorry ive been like way too busy to read through blogs im dying to though hopefully i can get to that like before sunday im so far behind on everyone :/

holy jesus

i have 69 followers :) hehe
hehehe
....
hehe
im all giddy :)) im down to like almost 151 now woooooo!
and ive had 1200 calories, this week, total.. i know, it is quite awesome :D
hehe
except i got really sick yesterday and now my throat is all sore and stuff so i decided it would be ok to break my limit of 500 calories for the day, so i am currently at 550, and when i get off the computer, if it is 9 oclock at that time, i will make popcorn, and eat like 50 calories worth.
then tomorrow i will have like 400 or less. unless i weigh 150 in the morning :) then ill stick with 500 :) yay!
and school is going like waaayyy better than i thought it would... aside from our school is getting like super mega poor o.o so we dont have agendas, so im having to write all of my assignments on my arm lol
and my printer is effed up grrrrr
but im gettin skinnier! i would have been able to wear my smallest size pants that i own today, if i really wanted to, but i decided that those were achievement pants, a reward for when i get below 150 :) yay!
im so happy right now, even though i feel horrible because im sick. maybe its because im all doped up on sudafed and ibuprofen hehe
but oh well anyways... in one of my classes im supposed to make a project like of anything at all there are no guidelines... so im doing a vegan college student's cookbook, like super cheap easy food for vegans lol im excited :D
i have to do one of these types of projects every nine weeks, and i want at least one of them to be about either eating disorders or obesity... idk yet it depends on where i am at that point in my weight loss... if i ever get small enough to actually look anorexic, im definitely not going to do a project about anorexia lol i could do one on like the health problems tied to being at extremes, and use anorexia as the low extreme, and obesity as the high extreme. that would be interesting. like trying to figure out which one would be better to lean towards (duh...).. but the other two projects im still like whaaaa???? idk what to do any ideas?? im thinking one of them might just be like filling out college applications hahaaa im lazy like that :) i might do something having to do with music. like write a song about the teacher :D lol no, i do not suck up to teachers. i hate that so much lol haha i could make a poster on the benefits of sucking up to teachers hahaha
xD
idk buuutttt anyways, im done rambling.. i gotta go check myspace/facebook/email and then help mi madre move furniture and hope i dont pass out or die from lack of energy/nutrients
i really do need to catch up on everyone's blogs, but theres like no time at all now to do like anything :( i miss you guys i hope everyone is doing ok.
<333

okkk welll

i tlked to guidance, but they couldnt put me in weight training cuz of my schedule...
so i took study hall instead :D
that way, i can do all my homework at school and have more time for exercise when i get home!

intake yesterday: 200 calories
intake so far today: 200 calories
total intake for today: hopefully 300, no more than 500

fasting tomorrowwwww
and bowling starts on thursday yayyyyyy

im tryin to catch up but my school already has me doin so much work that i have very limited time to blog :/
but do know that i love you all!!!
<3333

oh hey wait today i weighed 155 :)
yay

1st day of school :)

you guys, really, are so... so amazing. idk what to say like.. every one of you :)
my first day was better than i expected, even though they fucked up my schedule and took out the one class i wanted more than anything...
they replaced my weight training with team sports...
and the coach is a really scary big lady...

and im going to talk to my guidance councelor tomorrow asap because i NEED weight training class because it motivates me to do exercises i know i would never be able to do at home because i dont have all the machines and i dont have a gym membership and cant afford one :/

but other than that, i got a few compliments today..
i was both sad that not that many people noticed, and happy because by the time im at my gw they will pretty much have to notice and that will be awesome, so it ws a very motivating day :)

im debating on if i want to eat or not tonight idk yet... mybe if i do it will stay less than 100 calories though fer sure..

omg i have to tell you ok so in 6th grade this girl stole my bf and ever since then i kind of have hated her guts and she hated me too... and today she stopped me in the hallway and says "heather wow you look really good!"
i was like "aww thanks :D" to be nice, but in my head i was like yeah bitch one day ill look better than you and then youll be so jealous :D hahahahahhaa
idk i really thought it was funny that she like talked to me in the first place cuz she knows i hate her lol

but anywaysss... ummmm
yeah.
tomorrow should be an easy day, 2 chorus classes and english yay

i hope everyone elses days are going amazing :D
i love you guys you rock!
<333

first day of school

ok, here i go.. got my cup of coffee, and im out the door

i can do this

i can do this

i can do this...

i really want to cry, but i can do this.

i think.

ill come on tonight to let you know how it went.
i feel so sad right now, but giddy and hyper becuase i woke up so early and cuz ive already had a pot of coffee :DDDDD

and my makeup looks fucking amazing

and because im down to 158 now!
i love you, ana.
you fucking cunt :)
<3

:/

ok, so... i figured.. if i drink like 137897934758 gallons of water today, and like 3 pots of coffee, maybe ill lose the water weight part quicker...
so yeah i fasted today pretty much it went well so far and i got my project done finally i feel a little better but im so fucking scared about tomorrow i dont want to go to school i dont want to be a senior i dont want to grow up this is freaking me out idk why this is such a big deal everyone grows up sometime why is this so hard for me i cant do it i cant grow up its like.. idk i never really got to be a child .. this sucks so fucking much omg
and im gonna look so horrible tomorrow :/
all my friends are gonna be like omg youve lost weight!
but thats cuz they didnt see me on thursday, so thy wont know that ive actually gained weight :/
im the same weight now that i was 2 months ago :/
and that sucks.

but oh well. pick myself up and deal with it i guess.
go with the flow, and take whatever life decides to throw at me, even if that means becomming a senior :(

you guys are so nice and encouraging. thats what i really need right now, a positive approach to things i guess. thank you <3

im not ready for the life thats being thrown at me right now.
i dont know how to handle it.

my weekend

weight on thursday morning: 151 (yayyy)
calorie intake thursday: no idea, guessin 694857635465876? (...)
calories burned: 900
weight thursday evening: 160 (!!!wtf)

weight friday morning: 156 (waaaaah)
calorie intake friday: infinite
*endless taking of laxatives/diet pills* (ehh..)
*endless drinking of coffee* (yumm)
weight friday evening: 159
*box of rice crispies at midnight* (sleep-eating????)
weight at midnight: 162

weight saturday morning: 162 D;
calorie intake saturday: dont even wanna know... (booooo)
*endless taking of laxatives*
weight right now: 168

*shoots self in stomach*

*goes to buy more laxatives*

holy shit.
like super-epic-food-athon o doom...
is that a record? i gained almost 20 pounds in 3 days? maybe something cool can come from this???
*calls guinness*

i always fast on sundays. i hope i can continue that tradition.
im so not ready for school.

im still not done with my project. if i wouldnt have binged, i would have been clean and pure and it would have been so easy to just whip right through all the questions.
but im not.
i feel like ive eaten 80 pounds of rocks for three days.
my intestines are like wtffffffffff
my brain is likewise..

no, im not balanced. i need to find balance.

ugh, food hangover. gross :/

im 168 :(
im 13 pounds overweight now.
so i can rightfully say now that i am fat. gross. disgusting. ugh.

haha but i made a new brand of milkshake: ritz-oreo milkshake :D best fucking thing everrrr

goodnight. i hope i lose 4 pounds overnight again :/

i cant take this.

i need to get my head out of the clouds, out of the refridgerator, out of the pantry, and into the fact that school starts monday, and i have been too obsessed with food and weight matters to do my summer reading project that is DUE IN 2 DAYS!
ive been thinking alot today, reflecting... im kind of numb right now. and after eating nonstop for 3 hours, i feel apathetic really. im not mad at myself and i dont feel guilty. i probably will tomorrow though. and you know what else? i dont regret pigging my face the past 3 days.
yeah, i weigh more right now than i have almost all month long, but who cares. im tired of being obsessed with something that hurts me so much.

hopefully by monday ill feel back to normal.
i dont like not feeling.
its worse than feeling sad.

i dont like bingeing for absolutely no reason either.

i have a project to do. i have a whole book to read. and ten essay questions to do. before monday. i had all summer long to do it.
that pisses me off more than reading the scale right now.
i hate that this is consuming my entire life.

i need time to get myself together. i dont know whats going on with me right now.

but i love you guys, and i will come back eventually, i just dont know when.
stay strong, and i hope everyone gets what theyre looking for.

ps. ill probably get on here like tomorrow, and delete this post, and replace it with one that begins "WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!....."

lol

maybe im bipolar.
<3

3 things:

1. no, im not almost down to 150, i gained 10 pounds, and now i am 160. and yes, my stomach looks eight months pregnant, still, because i have been mindlessly self-indulging in every peice of food in my house.

2. i dont feel sad because i binged, or because i gained all that weight. (ok well yeah i feel like it sucks but im not really sad today i guess idk.. im not gonna punish myself for it or anything)

3. i realised last night, for the first time, how much i think i might really feel for this guy. it's not like teenager "omg" puppy love or whatever
its like...
he records music, like local bands and stuff, in a studio, and i was just.. watching him i guess last night like in his zone that he goes into. its like his true state of being. and i almost cried because he was so beautiful, and because i was so filled with all kinds of emotions.
no, he's not prince charnming.
yes, he has pimples, and a potbelly, and a happy trail, but he also has strong arms that hold me tight and the warmest brown eyes that i could just melt into.
he's such a.. real person. there is nothing fake about him. he is his own person, he doesnt follow the rules of society. when he wants to be immature, he is. he's quirky, and caring, and adorable, and gentle, and strong, and silly, and dumb sometimes, but also one of the smartest people i know.
he's not smotheringly romantic, but he isn't cold and shut off either.
he is so perfectly imperfect, and my favorite things about him are things everyone else would find weird about him, or unnattractive.
he always understands what im talking about when i ramble aimlessly about random things that make no sense even to me. but they make sense to him.
we can go on dates, and not speak any words almost the whole time, but so many things are said just by looking into his eyes, like i can read his thoughts without him speaking.
and when he looks into my eyes i feel like he sees who i really am.
not the me i show to everyone else, but the me that truly is.
when were together, we dont have to be doing anything, we just exist, and its perfect.
last night, while i was watching him work, i realised just how special he is to me.
yes, we say the "l" word, but last night when i got out of his car, and he kissed me and said i love you, and i said i love you too, i felt like i really meant it. for the first time, i think i actually experienced the most amazing feeling i ever have in my life.
we've known eachother for 3 years, and the past 5 months since we've been dating, i feel myself falling more and more into love with him.
he gets even more special, even more beautiful, even more perfect, everytime i see him.
sometimes i feel like, even though to most people he is an average joe type of guy, he is far too perfect for me. he's too sweet, too beautiful.

and then i get sad because i wish i were better for him.
maybe he thinks im perfect too, but even if he does, i wish i felt better about myself for him.
i dont want to be the sad girl with the lowest self esteem ever possible and the worst body image always putting myself down for failing, but i dont know how to not be sad about myself.
ive always been the fat girl and deep inside i think i will always feel too fat because ive always been too fat and my brain doesnt understand that im losing weight so im not morbidly obese anymore.

and i can see myself heading down this path of destruction.

and he's too good for that. i dont want to let him down like that.
i need to fix myself.
and i promise to him that i will one day.

i'm just not ready yet.

apologies

to everyone, to ana, and to myself.

but, this time around, i refuse to be utterly pissed off at myself over this.

btw, has anyone ever used mag citrate as a laxative?

how was your.. um... experience??

im going to get some. this guy on amazon said it was cheap, but he got the volcanic ass-ruptions that will relieve me of my food-athon.

my whole blog is like a goddamned roller coaster from hell.

but then, those are the best ones right? and once you get off, you almost always want to get back on... even if you throw up on the kid next to you.

i wish i could throw up...

im going to ignore my 8 months pregnant stomach,

and pretend like none of this ever happened

and pray that my boyfriend doesn't notice how disgustingly huge it is..

its probably bigger than his...

(he has a potbelly)

((but its cute on him lol))

maybe if i close my eyes and wish hard enough, everything will disappear...

maybe if i fast from now until forever

the voices in my head will shut up

and forgive me

and leave me alone...

im vegan haha

which means like almost the only thing ill be able to eat is salad haha yay
ive had about 150 calories so far today, and i only had 100 on tuesday, and zero yesterday, and im planning on not eating any tomorrow until the mega group dinner of death and destruction..
hey wait, when people starve themselves, doesn't that destruct their body? and eventually if they dont eat SOMthing they die?
hehe ironic lalala
im so high on empty
lalalalala!
and giddy as hell omg..
but noooooooooo energy whatsoever.
oh my god my mom bought alot of vegan food from publix yesterday like vegan waffles and tofurky and fucking soy ice cream its staring at meeeeee
but i can win any staring contest :) ive always been good at that.
and plus, i want to look really really good tomorrow night. that way even if i do go a little overboard at olive garden i wont let myself feel bad.

OH MY GOD I HAVE GOOD NEWS
no, i dont have car insurance, shut up
I WEIGHED 151 THIS MORNING!
hehe
yay <33
i love you ana. your rewards are the best.

i went shopping yesterday at a thrift store and bought a really cute jacket and two shirt-jacket type things and some bright yellow shoes and a really awesome lime green skirt and guess what it only cost me 10 dollars o.o
i am awesome :)

so for the rest of the day i might drink some tea, and maybe soup for lunch and dinner, but i dont really want to go over 200 calories even though i said my limit was 500 i figured since i havent gone over 150 for six days then getting to 200 today wouldnt be bad...
my metabolism is fucked.
oh well. one day they will have cosmetic surgery for metabolisms, and hopefully ill be a rich runway hairdresses by then and will be able to afford it :)
either that or ill just be really thin and beautiful and cute and tiny :)

my bf calls me cute all the time but when i was fat i always wanted to be cute but what fat person is cute exactly none of them i always wanted to be really little and tiny and cutesy like a little kid...

my stomach growls constantly and i really want food but i am NOT giving up this lquid fast until monday night (tomorrow night does not count)

oh more good news my friend and i decided that for the month of october we are going to liquid fast for 30 days, from october 1st until october 30th, and then on halloween we will only eat the candy/goodies that we get when we go trick or treating :)
yes, i still go door to door with a bag and beg for candy :) i love it its so much fun
the trick is: were both vegan and most candies are not vegan haha
so im probably gonna give most of it to my brother...
and her bday is in october, so on that day were allowing food, but only small amounts. because she loves pumpkin pie and i told her i would make her one for her bday.
yesyesyes this is going to be a good thing :)
i really hope all this doesnt make me too weak for softball though that would suck really bad :/

but oh well im going to go drink a gallon of water and then look up restaurant menus!
i do read you guys's blogs i swear but my mom doesnt want me on the computer so i have to be like realyl quick :P i love you all and hope all is well
<333

disney movies

i want to be a kid again. i want to watch disney movies and cuddle with my blanket and teddy bear and eat mini-pizzas and kid cuisines and drink my grandma's sweet tea :/
but instead im losing weight and drinking green tea w/ splenda, AND i get to keep my movies :)
one day when im skinny enough i'll have a kiddie day where i just laze around all day with the lion king and beauty and the beast and the little mermaid and my teddy bear and maybe pizza but hopefully by then i wont remember what that tastes like so i wont want it.
today i've had 1 1/2 cups light plain soymilk+1/2 tray of ice+1 teaspoon of instant coffee+ 2 teaspoons zero calorie chocolate syrup blended until creamy :)
i do love love love my blender idea. i feel amazing.
oh and i just finished drinking my green tea.
the rest of the day will be water and some vegetable soup mix (35 calories)
total for today: 135 calories.
weight: 153
go me :)
and tomorrow is no-calorie wednesday, and im going shopping with my friend all day and were gonna help each other not eat.
i have to be 150 by friday, because my bf invited me to olive garden :/ ive never been, and i really want to go, but i dont want to eat :/
but if im 150 by then, i'll let myself go, and then im fasting all weekend to get ready for school. no solids until monday night! i can do this!
i just wanted to say (yes, im gonna get mushy) as ive said before, i freaking love you uys. i have 61 followers now. o.o like, wow. its incredible that i went from having a secret place where i vented everything out and tracked my goals and stuff and i thought nobody would ever find it and after like a month of having a blog it was still unseen by the world and now im talking to people from different countries who share the same goals as i do and we all get along and help eachother through the tough times and we all congratulate people on reaching goals and this whole community is so uplifting and i feel surrounded by the most amazing people in the world, and it is an amazing feeling.

k im gonna go watch lady and the tramp now :)
bye loves <3

omg!igotasewingmachine!

and that explains how my morning has gone since like 7am.. lol im such a dork (: I've "recycled" about 3 old tshirts, and I have about 4 more to do somethign with, and 2 pairs of jeans to alter, and an old yellow dress that I cannot get rid of even though it is huge.

:]]

to first off answer some questions:

When I go on liquid fasts I pretty much drink whatever I want but I keep it 500 calories or less. I usually stick with soymilk, v8 juice, and soup/broth but like not chunky soups with stuff in them more of the lquid kinds. Like the v8 tomatoe juice stuff I usually heat that up in the microwave lol cuz it's better that way. And I drink as much water as possible. I'm going to try this time to limit my caffeine to 1-2 cups of coffee per day and 1-2 cups of tea. Also this time I have realized that ice is my new God, because 1/2 of a 12 ounce bottle of v8 Fusion (75 calories) blended in a blender with ice is more filling, and less calories than just drinking all 12 ounces. And later I'm going to try that with soymilk and zero-calorie chocolate syrup. And then I'm probably going to have soup for dinner with some hot green tea. And I have not had my coffee this morning :o I know, I know, it's so weird for me, but I'm trying hard not to be come truly addicted just yet.

Today I feel like reflecting. Yes, I remember when I got to 160, and it was the best day of my life so far. And I have lost weight since then. And I feel like being even more motivational, and since it's Monday, I'm doing measurements again :D Yay!

I'm fucking ecstatic. So happy that I'm speechless.

I think I'm going to say that this morning I'm back down to 154, and leave this post at that :]

<333

:/

ok, so the last few days..
actually ever since my last post, has sucked big fat hairy balls..
ugh.
but i told myself i would not blog until i got down to 150 something...
im 156, my highest this week was 161, so im still ok..
and i started my liquid fast today instead of tomorrow, and im not going to eat until next monday.
i gtg in a biggg hurry sorryi loveu guys
*hugsnkisses*
<33333

no-cal weds=successness oh yeah!

and im back to 154
boo-yah!
yes, i did in fact just type out boo-yah :)
and yes, i have been bad today, but its ok, because today is an eating day, and as long as im under 500 calories total for today, i will be alive in the morning hopefully *knock on wood* weighing in at 153 pounds.
i had pancake flavored muffins. with syrup.
light syrup, but still syrup nonetheless.
250 calories max.
and im having miso-tofu soup tonight for dindin.
and water for lunch.
so, effin, excited.
however, my fast yesterday went amazing :) yay!!!
and i am racing with this awesome chica right here to see who reaches their sunday goal.
i wanna be 150 on sunday morning, she wants to be 140, think we can do it?
you betchya :D
i love you guys, but i gotta fly todayyyy
goin to the track later to burn off all this muffin energay (so i can lose this nasty muffin top!)
<3

weeeellllll.....

ok so despite my huge attempt at not bingeing, i did anyways.
but thats ok because i am in a super good mood today and this equation right here is why:

1 pot of coffee+ 1 cup of splenda+ 2 tbs of zero-calorie chocolate syrup+ 2 trays of ice+ 1 blender= zero calories of guilt-free homemade starbucks!

holy shit.
i have stumbled upon a goldmine.

like it filled the whole entire blender all the way up, and i drank every last little bit of it, and it made me full. too full to even think about eating today :)

im going to market this idea, and set up my own shop, and call it like moonbucks or something :)
fat people would love me, and so would all the lovely anas out there :)
it would be a zero-calorie version of starbucks.
gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh im so hyper heheheheehheehheheheheeeee!

so anyways update real quick: i gained 7 pounds in like 30 minutes the other day, i got up to 161, now im back down to 156, which is ok ish, and today i have had (oh yeah!!!!! :D) zero calories (of awesomeness), and tomorrow i will keep it under 500 again, and the same for friday and saturday, and then fast sunday(like always) and then next week is the week before school starts (holy hell where did the summer go??????) and i will be hardcore bootcamp liquid fasting for that week and then over the weekend i will fast untill monday night after school.
i will be 150 or less i will i promise this to you to every single one of you i am so fucking determined i will do anything (...almost) to get there it will motherfucking happen.

oh yeah to those of you who read my last post, your amazing :) i love you :))

thought i would throw that in there.
i gotsta rekonize my peoples! lol

sorry that this post is all over everywhere, but im super mega hyperrrrrrrr
yayyyyyyyy

omg i have to tell you about what happened last night LOL!
ok, so my bf took me out to applebees for dinner (so sweet :)) and after a long day of fasting completely i figured it would be ok to eat a salad. and he made me feel really bad because he got cheesesticks, and he goes "you used to eat cheesesticks all the time and i feel bad because im eating them all and your not eating anything" and i was like yeah cuz my food isnt here yet.. and he was like.. idk trying to like guilt me into eating cheese i was like omg im vegan stop it thats so mean and then he tried to do the same thing with this dessert thingy and i was like no i dont eat anything with dairy im sorry and idk i just felt bad he was like oh come on you can not be vegan for one night...
wtf... like im sorry if youre not used to someone who doesnt like the idea of exploiting animals for cruel purposes and all the evil things humans do to them just makes me so upset and like if you can respect my choices then why the fuck are we together in the first place?!
but i felt really bad because it made him feel bad and i dont want him to feel like my choices are a burden on him or anything because they shouldnt be...
but anyways yeah i was definitely NOT going to eat anything other than my salad anyways because it came with like nuts on it and that alone pissed me off because it added so many extra calories to what could have been an amazing salad...
and then we were gonna go "hang out in a park" and "watch the sun go down" (aka have sex) but there were other people in both parks we went to, so we both ended up going home hornier than i have ever been in my entire life.
like wtf we could have done what we usually do and just did it in the car i mean jesus if your gonna make me eat a calorific salad the least you can do is give me a chance to burn some of those calories :/
but i didnt say anything about it, other than i had a really good time because well i did and i hadnt seen him in almost 2 weeks so i missed my baby sooo much and being with him always makes me happy no matter what and i really did have a good ime because weve never had like a for real dinner date thing before...
but yeah..

omg i have to catch up on everyone's posts ill blog more later lol
<333

waiting for my mom to leave...

so i can try not to binge miserably omg i want food so bad but im a lot clmer now because ive been on here for about an hour reading and commenting and reading comments lol aww you guys are so awesome and im so glad to have this support system because seriously if i was still bloging to myself on here i probably would have stopped by now lol but yeah im 154 now cuz the other night i ate 2 bowls of cereal not really a binge but definitely ate more that day than i was supposed to but i only gained a pound from it so not really a huge deal i guess i just haven't lost it yet.. or at least i dont think so.
when my mo leaves im stripping and checking it to make sure.
and then hopefully im going to lay out and tan a little for maybe 2 hours or so idk yet
omg xthinforever there is definitely something in my sheets now thanks for sending me your spiders i woke up covered in red welps on my legs and feet and omg its so itchyyyyyy!!!

when i get a camera lol i will definitely post pictures! i really want to cuz if i see myself in pictures maybe i will be inspired.. by myself lol idk
im kind of out of it today

omg good news im going to have weight trainign all year this year so more exercise and pretty muscles :]
and i got all the classes i wanted :]]

but im so not ready to be a senior :(
i dont want to turn 18, or graduate, or go off to college :(
i want to go back to first grade. with peanut butter sandwiches and ice cream and flowers and finger paint :(

but its life i guess, i must learn how to deal. i got so overwhelmed at orientation today thats why i wanted to binge but i think im ok now ill just go with the flow as always..
my mom is on my ass about applying for scholarships idk where to even styart i know i can apply for loads of them i just dont know where to freaking begin :/
and then im gonna have to start applying for actual colleges.. liek where grown-ups go..
god i am so freaking scared iidek what i want to do with my life ughhh

if i get skinny i can just model for suicide girls or hot topic or something that would be pretty sweet.
and i dont have to go to college for that :D
jk, ill still go to college.
i want to be a runway hairdressers. but thats just a dream.

my life has too many dreams.
like this one.
when the fuck am i going to wake up one morning and finally be able to look in the mirror and see myself and not this fat ugly cow of a fuckign bitch ughhh
i want food
i want hummus
with spinach

or pancakes
or fucking tacos

i sound like a stoner.
*dude man lets fucking get some mother fucking tacos bro yeah*
haha
flashback to better days :/

i think in some ways, we all want to be fat. we always talk about how gross fat people are and how much we hate them and how we do everything possible to not end up like 500 pounds...
but at least they know what people think of them.
and they are very strong people, because they take all kinds of shit from everybody about how big they are, and they still eat.
and if we were all fat, we could all eat whatever the fuck we wanted and know that tomorrow, we will still be fat, so why bother trying to be skinny?
besides, everyone else would be fat, so skinny would be "out".
and seriously, even when i binge, its only realy what like a normal fat person eats in one meal, so its not technically that big of a deal, and i think in some ways we all want to be fat that was my point idk i kind of rambled...

if youre still reading this i love you

im just going to keep on typing until something comes up because i really dont want to get out of this chair because i am surrounded by food all kinds of food
im in food-horny mode: i want to ravage my kitchen and make love to it in greedy hunger...

omg this girl is so motherfucking pretty and has a gorgeous voice:http://www.youtube.com/user/katem3

and pokerface: i want to hear you sing!

one day i will be skinny enought to have the confidence to sing on camera, for all of youtube to see :)

i had coffee this mornign and like totally peed for like 22 seconds im not even kidding yay new record!!!
ummm...
sorry anyways lalala

ok im not going to tan today im going to go to the track with my bestie yay for exercise!
but i really wanna just stay home and sleeeeeppp

yesterday was so good omg 0 calories yay
i accidentally ate some of my brother's pancakes this morning cuz i made everyone else some but not me cuz i didnt wanna eat yet..
thats why i wanna binge right now probably... but they were so good i ate them at like 8 oclock or something so im trying to fast until 8 oclock tonight i think thats a good idea.
then tomorrow me and my bestie are gonna make tiny vegan milkshakes. yay!
maybe.. idk... i might not go.. i dont want a milkshake though im scared idk i dont want to binge but i cant help it sometimes you know

wow this post is kinda long
omg my mom just left please let me be 154 or less

*********************************************

fuck im still 154 ughhhhh ive peed so goddmn much this morning that i know its definitely not water weight... ugh
fml
.....

omg its just one pound holy shit why am i so freaked out???? what is wrong with me?
im so scared omg i dont want to be fat again omg omg omg
....

NO! i cannot binge no binges nooooo
i wont let myself do it. i cant.

i think im ok now. i calmed down a little.

no food until after 8:00 tonight
except by then, ill be asleep :)

see my logic?

<3

success

intake:
b+ coffee (0 calories)
l+ 1/2 peanut butter sandwich (100 calories)
+ chocolate (95 calories)
+ soymilk (50 calories)
s+ mixed veggies (100 calories)
d+ 1 macadamia nut, 2 almonds, and 5 peanuts (50 calories)

total=395 calories

and i might have some tofu noodles with tomatoe sauce later, but i might not. idk yet. if i do my total will be like maybe 475 at most. yay!
and im going to drink like 3 more bottles of water because i havent met my quota of 5 bottles a day :/ ive only had 3, so im going to drink one extra one before bed, and i might have some tea :)
output:
walking 1 hr minutes -325 calories
shopping 1 hr -150 calories
calisthenics 20 minutes -100
being alive 1 day -1875 calories

total output= -2450 calories

total calories for the day= -2055 calories

haha i love doing that :)
so yeah today was a good day i bought a really cute dress that fits really well and ill probably have to get it altered by the time i plan to wear it cuz ill be like ten pounds lighter hopefully by that time but yeah its so cute it looks kinda like this:
i soooo love rockabilly clothing its so amazing and the pinup style is definitely my favorite :)

and omg guess what my bmi is 24.7 so im not clinically overweight anymore!!!!!!!!! this is so awesome i could cry! just 8 months ago i was on the verge of morbidly obese o.o my bmi has gone down exactly ten points since then, and i look and feel so much better :)

and my jeans are half the size they used to be :)))

yay

<3