Monday, August 10, 2009

waiting for my mom to leave...

so i can try not to binge miserably omg i want food so bad but im a lot clmer now because ive been on here for about an hour reading and commenting and reading comments lol aww you guys are so awesome and im so glad to have this support system because seriously if i was still bloging to myself on here i probably would have stopped by now lol but yeah im 154 now cuz the other night i ate 2 bowls of cereal not really a binge but definitely ate more that day than i was supposed to but i only gained a pound from it so not really a huge deal i guess i just haven't lost it yet.. or at least i dont think so.
when my mo leaves im stripping and checking it to make sure.
and then hopefully im going to lay out and tan a little for maybe 2 hours or so idk yet
omg xthinforever there is definitely something in my sheets now thanks for sending me your spiders i woke up covered in red welps on my legs and feet and omg its so itchyyyyyy!!!

when i get a camera lol i will definitely post pictures! i really want to cuz if i see myself in pictures maybe i will be inspired.. by myself lol idk
im kind of out of it today

omg good news im going to have weight trainign all year this year so more exercise and pretty muscles :]
and i got all the classes i wanted :]]

but im so not ready to be a senior :(
i dont want to turn 18, or graduate, or go off to college :(
i want to go back to first grade. with peanut butter sandwiches and ice cream and flowers and finger paint :(

but its life i guess, i must learn how to deal. i got so overwhelmed at orientation today thats why i wanted to binge but i think im ok now ill just go with the flow as always..
my mom is on my ass about applying for scholarships idk where to even styart i know i can apply for loads of them i just dont know where to freaking begin :/
and then im gonna have to start applying for actual colleges.. liek where grown-ups go..
god i am so freaking scared iidek what i want to do with my life ughhh

if i get skinny i can just model for suicide girls or hot topic or something that would be pretty sweet.
and i dont have to go to college for that :D
jk, ill still go to college.
i want to be a runway hairdressers. but thats just a dream.

my life has too many dreams.
like this one.
when the fuck am i going to wake up one morning and finally be able to look in the mirror and see myself and not this fat ugly cow of a fuckign bitch ughhh
i want food
i want hummus
with spinach

or pancakes
or fucking tacos

i sound like a stoner.
*dude man lets fucking get some mother fucking tacos bro yeah*
flashback to better days :/

i think in some ways, we all want to be fat. we always talk about how gross fat people are and how much we hate them and how we do everything possible to not end up like 500 pounds...
but at least they know what people think of them.
and they are very strong people, because they take all kinds of shit from everybody about how big they are, and they still eat.
and if we were all fat, we could all eat whatever the fuck we wanted and know that tomorrow, we will still be fat, so why bother trying to be skinny?
besides, everyone else would be fat, so skinny would be "out".
and seriously, even when i binge, its only realy what like a normal fat person eats in one meal, so its not technically that big of a deal, and i think in some ways we all want to be fat that was my point idk i kind of rambled...

if youre still reading this i love you

im just going to keep on typing until something comes up because i really dont want to get out of this chair because i am surrounded by food all kinds of food
im in food-horny mode: i want to ravage my kitchen and make love to it in greedy hunger...

omg this girl is so motherfucking pretty and has a gorgeous voice:

and pokerface: i want to hear you sing!

one day i will be skinny enought to have the confidence to sing on camera, for all of youtube to see :)

i had coffee this mornign and like totally peed for like 22 seconds im not even kidding yay new record!!!
sorry anyways lalala

ok im not going to tan today im going to go to the track with my bestie yay for exercise!
but i really wanna just stay home and sleeeeeppp

yesterday was so good omg 0 calories yay
i accidentally ate some of my brother's pancakes this morning cuz i made everyone else some but not me cuz i didnt wanna eat yet..
thats why i wanna binge right now probably... but they were so good i ate them at like 8 oclock or something so im trying to fast until 8 oclock tonight i think thats a good idea.
then tomorrow me and my bestie are gonna make tiny vegan milkshakes. yay!
maybe.. idk... i might not go.. i dont want a milkshake though im scared idk i dont want to binge but i cant help it sometimes you know

wow this post is kinda long
omg my mom just left please let me be 154 or less


fuck im still 154 ughhhhh ive peed so goddmn much this morning that i know its definitely not water weight... ugh

omg its just one pound holy shit why am i so freaked out???? what is wrong with me?
im so scared omg i dont want to be fat again omg omg omg

NO! i cannot binge no binges nooooo
i wont let myself do it. i cant.

i think im ok now. i calmed down a little.

no food until after 8:00 tonight
except by then, ill be asleep :)

see my logic?



  1. Love your logic!! :) Good for you, being so strong!

    You can so get down below 154, it doesn't matter if it wasn't water weight, you had it once and can get the lbs off again!

    Keep calm, try some yoga, lol. :D

  2. I LOVVVE your blog. I think I say it every time I comment but yeah, LOVE IT. :]

    Thank you for the compliment on the photo :] I was being so evil uploading a blurry one... I have my fun ^_^ I want to lose more though! You're amazing keeping going this long. I'm finding it really hard to keep motivated and I've only been doing this for like 2 months...

    Reading your post now :]

    I can't wait til you post pictures! It will be so good to be able to put a face to my inspiration :]

    Growing up is scary! But you've got a whole year to get used to the idea before college... I only have 1 month before university! IN ANOTHER COUNTRY! =o

    "if youre still reading this i love you"

    ehehe ^_^ aw I can't wait to wake up and be skinny too :) how amazing that day will be. We'll get there. I promise I won't give up. Promise me back :)

    I'll post the video of me singing soon! I look so huge in it but I don't care cos I don't look like that any more :) as far as the quality of my singing goes... I don't think that's improved any haha. But it's all fun. :]

    Well done on avoiding the binge. 154 is SO good :) keep thinking of how far you've come. You'll be at 153 soon and imagine how good that will feel :) take care dear. xx

  3. LOL omg, them damn spiders.
    i know what you mean! they are soooo itchy! and this was a long post, goober! stop talking to yourself LOL. you're doing great. next stop 150! <3

  4. haha! best post EVER! ; ) I love you <3
    I'm sure that stubborn lbs will come off in no time. Just don't binge! I know you can do it! You know it's not worth it!
    I want to hear you sing! : D
    Stay strong and thank you for such an amazing post <3

  5. i want to hear u sing and see ur pics too, so hurry up and put em on :) and collgege may be scary and unknown but imagine the freedom u will have!! and by the time u are going to college u will be skinny skinny skinny!! oh yeah!! so college is actually something to look forward too!!

  6. hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahhhahahhahahhahhahhahahhahhahahahhahahahhaha GOD I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! excess is great when we are not talking about food

  7. i have binged toooo :( awww i get the whole growing up thing, i want to go back to being little and having no worries in the world!!!!!

  8. You are so freaking cute - I know I always say thing, but I just adore you! Have I ever told you how witty I thought the name of your blog is? Sorry i have no comments other than that.. well.. stay strong, you are kicking ass!