so i can try not to binge miserably omg i want food so bad but im a lot clmer now because ive been on here for about an hour reading and commenting and reading comments lol aww you guys are so awesome and im so glad to have this support system because seriously if i was still bloging to myself on here i probably would have stopped by now lol but yeah im 154 now cuz the other night i ate 2 bowls of cereal not really a binge but definitely ate more that day than i was supposed to but i only gained a pound from it so not really a huge deal i guess i just haven't lost it yet.. or at least i dont think so.
when my mo leaves im stripping and checking it to make sure.
and then hopefully im going to lay out and tan a little for maybe 2 hours or so idk yet
omg xthinforever there is definitely something in my sheets now thanks for sending me your spiders i woke up covered in red welps on my legs and feet and omg its so itchyyyyyy!!!
when i get a camera lol i will definitely post pictures! i really want to cuz if i see myself in pictures maybe i will be inspired.. by myself lol idk
im kind of out of it today
omg good news im going to have weight trainign all year this year so more exercise and pretty muscles :]
and i got all the classes i wanted :]]
but im so not ready to be a senior :(
i dont want to turn 18, or graduate, or go off to college :(
i want to go back to first grade. with peanut butter sandwiches and ice cream and flowers and finger paint :(
but its life i guess, i must learn how to deal. i got so overwhelmed at orientation today thats why i wanted to binge but i think im ok now ill just go with the flow as always..
my mom is on my ass about applying for scholarships idk where to even styart i know i can apply for loads of them i just dont know where to freaking begin :/
and then im gonna have to start applying for actual colleges.. liek where grown-ups go..
god i am so freaking scared iidek what i want to do with my life ughhh
if i get skinny i can just model for suicide girls or hot topic or something that would be pretty sweet.
and i dont have to go to college for that :D
jk, ill still go to college.
i want to be a runway hairdressers. but thats just a dream.
my life has too many dreams.
like this one.
when the fuck am i going to wake up one morning and finally be able to look in the mirror and see myself and not this fat ugly cow of a fuckign bitch ughhh
i want food
i want hummus
or fucking tacos
i sound like a stoner.
*dude man lets fucking get some mother fucking tacos bro yeah*
flashback to better days :/
i think in some ways, we all want to be fat. we always talk about how gross fat people are and how much we hate them and how we do everything possible to not end up like 500 pounds...
but at least they know what people think of them.
and they are very strong people, because they take all kinds of shit from everybody about how big they are, and they still eat.
and if we were all fat, we could all eat whatever the fuck we wanted and know that tomorrow, we will still be fat, so why bother trying to be skinny?
besides, everyone else would be fat, so skinny would be "out".
and seriously, even when i binge, its only realy what like a normal fat person eats in one meal, so its not technically that big of a deal, and i think in some ways we all want to be fat that was my point idk i kind of rambled...
if youre still reading this i love you
im just going to keep on typing until something comes up because i really dont want to get out of this chair because i am surrounded by food all kinds of food
im in food-horny mode: i want to ravage my kitchen and make love to it in greedy hunger...
omg this girl is so motherfucking pretty and has a gorgeous voice:http://www.youtube.com/user/katem3
and pokerface: i want to hear you sing!
one day i will be skinny enought to have the confidence to sing on camera, for all of youtube to see :)
i had coffee this mornign and like totally peed for like 22 seconds im not even kidding yay new record!!!
sorry anyways lalala
ok im not going to tan today im going to go to the track with my bestie yay for exercise!
but i really wanna just stay home and sleeeeeppp
yesterday was so good omg 0 calories yay
i accidentally ate some of my brother's pancakes this morning cuz i made everyone else some but not me cuz i didnt wanna eat yet..
thats why i wanna binge right now probably... but they were so good i ate them at like 8 oclock or something so im trying to fast until 8 oclock tonight i think thats a good idea.
then tomorrow me and my bestie are gonna make tiny vegan milkshakes. yay!
maybe.. idk... i might not go.. i dont want a milkshake though im scared idk i dont want to binge but i cant help it sometimes you know
wow this post is kinda long
omg my mom just left please let me be 154 or less
fuck im still 154 ughhhhh ive peed so goddmn much this morning that i know its definitely not water weight... ugh
omg its just one pound holy shit why am i so freaked out???? what is wrong with me?
im so scared omg i dont want to be fat again omg omg omg
NO! i cannot binge no binges nooooo
i wont let myself do it. i cant.
i think im ok now. i calmed down a little.
no food until after 8:00 tonight
except by then, ill be asleep :)
see my logic?