Saturday, August 22, 2009

i cant take this.

i need to get my head out of the clouds, out of the refridgerator, out of the pantry, and into the fact that school starts monday, and i have been too obsessed with food and weight matters to do my summer reading project that is DUE IN 2 DAYS!
ive been thinking alot today, reflecting... im kind of numb right now. and after eating nonstop for 3 hours, i feel apathetic really. im not mad at myself and i dont feel guilty. i probably will tomorrow though. and you know what else? i dont regret pigging my face the past 3 days.
yeah, i weigh more right now than i have almost all month long, but who cares. im tired of being obsessed with something that hurts me so much.

hopefully by monday ill feel back to normal.
i dont like not feeling.
its worse than feeling sad.

i dont like bingeing for absolutely no reason either.

i have a project to do. i have a whole book to read. and ten essay questions to do. before monday. i had all summer long to do it.
that pisses me off more than reading the scale right now.
i hate that this is consuming my entire life.

i need time to get myself together. i dont know whats going on with me right now.

but i love you guys, and i will come back eventually, i just dont know when.
stay strong, and i hope everyone gets what theyre looking for.

ps. ill probably get on here like tomorrow, and delete this post, and replace it with one that begins "WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!....."


maybe im bipolar.


  1. You're not bipolar, you're 'unbalanced'. I was there one time.

    Did you know that our brain is the most sophisticated, most powerful computer that ever existed? It needs glucose to run properly, and that comes from healthy carbohydrates. When you starve, your brain starves. When you're brain wants fuel, it will get it and no amount of 'willpower' is strong enough to stop it. Your binging is totally normal.

  2. God. I know exactly how you feel; it's like you took the words right out of my mouth.
    Hope you feel better, hun. I'll miss reading your posts <3

  3. Hope you feel better sweetie. I'll miss reading your blogs. good luck with your project.

  4. aw hun, its ok to feel the way you feel.
    as someone above said, its just inbalance, you've been to occupied with this ed all summer because you enjoyed escaping the outside world but now you're being forced to go back and you forgot the person you were.
    just take a rest from it all and find your balance.
    i'm sure you'll be back soon babe!

  5. ugh i wrote you a nice comment but then my internetz ate it. D:

    anyways, why did you wait so long to do your homework project?? youll be okay. just take a couple day to focus on you and do something that you used to like doing.. =) or do your homework lol. take care <3

  6. First off, DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!! haha. I'm now done being your mother.

    Its ok, just get yourself refocused on what you want and maybe, you'll find THIS isn't what you want. Go for what floats your boat and keeps you stable.

    Whichever way your turn, it'll be the right one.

    stay strong.