Sunday, January 31, 2010


got some laxatives last night
i feel better now :]

im at my friends house and everyone is asleep its so hard not to just eat all her food i soo want to cuz she has really really awesome stuff and her dad has swiss rolls which are the best things everrrrrrrrrrrrr

but im just drinkin coffee, watching chowder, im tired of being a fatass
i have to fast this week.

walmart doesnt sell akavar anynmore :(((((( i cant wait to be able to buy it online when i get a job.

i wrote an amazing poem/short story this week, will post soon i promise <3

i hope everyone else is motivated for this week!!!
we can do this. we've all done it before, so whats stopping us from doing it again??
stay strong <333

Saturday, January 30, 2010


i think my bestie is letting me spend the nght with her, which just saved my life, because that means walmart, which also means exlax, which means im saved!
except i really need akavar too, but to get both i need 15 dollars, and right now i only have $11.87.........
and i know i shoudlnt steal money from my mom because she doesnt have a real job, but....
then theres this bitch who lives in my head and tells me what to do, and she is telling me "just take it its not even 5 dollars just like three you can pay her back one day and besides i want you to be skinny if your not skinny your not worth anything so just take the mney"
fuck you ana.
i love you so much, yes, i'll go see if my mom has any spare change...

but even if i do take money from her theres a possibility that i still wont have enough to get exlax and akavar, so im debating: would it be better to get a quick fix to get rid of this food rotting inside of me, or to buy akavar which will last longer and help me fast throguh this week...
and of course even though logically it would make more sense to think about the future and buy the akavar, im going to buy the exlax because i need to lose this binge weight from the past like 4 days as fast as possible...

fuck eating-disordered-logic.

but whatever.... anyways im in kind of a weird mood right now coming down from the biggest sugar high ever i feel so weird like sad as hell because EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS but like hyper and content because theres so many things in my system right now that my body isnt used to...

im gonna go eat pineapples now bye

Friday, January 29, 2010

I am an elephant.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

i cant sleep.

because my blood sugar levels are through the roof from bingeing
and im so cold
i cant feel my toes
and i want more more more more
a greedy fat whale pig
who wont stop
nothing satisfies me anymore except the number getting smaller
and nothing makes me angrier than that number growing
bigger bigger bigger, like my stomach

where have i gone?
where is heather?
who is this monster taking control of me?

ive been so moody this week. ive been lashing out for no reason other than im just irritable and cranky and i hate everything and people keep talking and i just want everything to shut up

i want my old self back again.
she comes and goes, i love it when she stays for a week and i reach a new low weight

but then she leaves, abandons me, like everything else in the world.
and thats when it gets worse.
and it gets worse every time she leaves is worse than the last time she left.
if only i could chain her to me.
if only she were strong enough to help me fight off this monster
but this monster scares her away
because its so big and fat and gross

im so tired of being a monster and scaring ana away :/

text to blogger?

didnt work.. what i meant for all that to say was:

i woke up feeling like shit and feeling really really fat and ugly.. But then i was flipping through tv channels and i heard this girl say today is only what you make it. And I decided that even though im a whale, im gonna look hot today. so im wearing my big red plaid jacket and i look oh so stylish :) and i feel a little better. still fat, but at least a little decent looking for a change. enough confidence to fast today definitely.
think thin my lovelies and stay strong <333

but anyways no, i didnt fast today b/c im a failure at life and everything in it. what else is new?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

best idea ever

apply for as many small scholarships as i can.
most of these require an essay.

what better way to waste time.
much better than bingeing, and waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy more rewarding.

fucking wheat thins

with their fucking calorific wheat thin goodness :(


at least thats all i had today, and i didnt eat the whole box... just like... half of it...

scratch that, i just finished the box... ugh

something interesting: diet horoscopes

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


"If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough"- Jillian Michaels


now: get off the fucking computer and go exercise until 6:30
6:30- take shower while family east dinner
~7- make low cal soup and cup of tea and watch family guy
~8- make 2nd cup of tea
~9- go to bed early

lets hope this works....
today was amazing. i feel amzing. its day 3 of my liquids only fast. i've been liquids only since approximately 12 am sunday morning :]]]

and nothing is going to get in the way of me going until at least the first of february. that will be 8 days total. liquids only, and then next week i'll do negative calorie foods only with a veggie burger every other day for protein.

i can do this i can do this i can do this

Monday, January 25, 2010

in your face society!

"Eating less -- that's definitely known to extend life, Dillard says. "The only reliable way to extend the lifespan of a mammal is under-nutrition without malnutrition. Studies show that if you cut back on 60% of the calories mice eat, they will live almost twice as long with much fewer tumors.""

a toast to long life!
*sips water*

abc day 24

yes, im trekking on with abc, even though i failed half of it, just pick up where i left off.
except this week's a doozy!
liquids only detox for seven days, following this week's abc caloric guidelines. i started sunday.

i already planned out the whole entire week's "meals", including juice, soups, and water, and up to 3 cups of tea a day.
no coffee.
i need to break this habit before it gets worse.

also, i have been exercising with ddr like everyday, and so for this week, i need to burn at least 200 calories on ddr, then do 200 crunches, and whatever else i feel like doing which is probably going to be alot because i binged so bad last week and i have a party to go to on saturday night where i have to wear this really cute dress because its a formal black and white party...

screw my best friends for having parties where i have to dress up.
i relly just want to wear jeans and my huge hoodie... but.. oh well.
i do kinda like excuses to go over the top though, so im treating this like prom :]

which means i have to lose as much weight as possible by then, hopefully getting back to my low weight of 145.

stay strong lovelies

Friday, January 22, 2010


i hate that boyfriends think that taking a girl out to eat should be the perfect date.
i guess it would be if i was normal, but the whole time i had to pretend like it was the best thing ever when inside i was dying.

and eating, even a little bit, turns into bingeing.

i would much rather fast, but tomorrow my uncle is having a cookout for my cousin who is going to boot camp...
fuck the war in iraq.

fuck me for being selfish enough to make a family occasion seem like the end of the world.
i hate being selfish, but when it comes to this kind of thing, i really, truly cannot help it.
i wish i could just be like oh yes i'll eat for you and totally forget about my wants/needs/desires for a minute, but i cant do that.

it has taken over my brain.

and right now, its telling me to finish the rest of the box of captain crunch i've been munching on for the past ten minutes.

and now the box is empty...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

no seriously,

im going to fast tomorrow.
and charlie is going to fast with me.
and we will both be so damn skinny and cute.


for as long as i am alive.
lets see how long this one last.....

oooo cereal! mine!


have you ever eaten so much you got a really bad headache?
i have tried everything to purge via mouth, but it doesnt work.
i've taken 15 colace today so far, there are 15 left... and im going to take the rest of my exlax before i go to bed.. which is like 20 or something.
please god dont let me get colon cancer.
dont let me purge one day and then see my intestines laying in the toilet.

i am so dumb

whats the point of making vegan mashed potatoes if your gonna put cheese in them?

long story short:

i ran out of akavar.
i ran out of everything except appetite and FATTYMCFATFACE-ness.

my best guy friend, the one who i was dating last time i posted, decided to not eat anymore.
he hasnt eaten since tuesday morning.
i doubt anything will come of it, but still.
i tried to tell him to eat something like healthy food or whatever, but then i stopped talking, because, im not healthy, so who am i to judge whats right and wrong in this sense?

anywho, we broke up over the weekend cuz my ex came back, and me being the dumb girl i am took him back.

i gained 10 pounds this weekened.

lets go gain ten more, shall we?

Thursday, January 14, 2010


watch it now!
i've never cried so much in my entire life.


i got accepted to unf!!!!!!!!!!!

i reached my next goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
145 bay-bay!

im now on day 13 of abc and i still havent binged but that one time last week im so happy its been so long since ive had this much control yay

omgomgomgomg my best guy friend ever kissed me :] were officially "together" :]]
and he invited me to his house on sunday :]]]

only thing is, he wants to feed me, because im vegan, and he wants to cook vegan food....
so hes probably gonna make pasta, so im just going to fast until sunday and exercise like crazy and if all else fails, i will take laxatives, but i really dont think i'll have to i'll just exercise it off.

im starting to see abs o.o
and ribs o.o
and when i lay down, my hip bones are sooooooooooooooo pretty :]]]

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

day 11

ive been 146 for the past like 4 days aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
go away extra pound i need to reach my next gw aaaaaaaa

Sunday, January 10, 2010

ABC day 9 :]

its been 9 days since i started abc, and i have only binged once. i am amazed at myself.
and its finally paying off. i weighed in at 146 this morning.
tomorrow is a fasting day, and i am positive that after that i will be to my next goal weight of 145. i have waited so long for this. i dont want this to escape me. i missed you so much ana, you just dont even know. im so cold. my body doesnt remember how to be warm :] i love this. i feel empty and light and amazing. i froze all day long yesterday until i took a really hot bubble bath while my family ate dinner.
best thing to occupy time: steaming hot bubble bath to warm you up after freezing all day. seriously, i was in the tub for like 2 hours just soaking it felt so nice to finally be warm ahhhh lol

also, i have finally completely ended things with my ex (the reason i had been bingeing so much), and have moved on to... a new man-target!!! yay finally!
except, he happens to be my best friend ever, but we've always had feelings for each other. the problem is, we're never single at the same times, so we're like.. the relationship that never happened 4 times but now that were both single we can finally be together and it is amazing and i feel so happy that finally things are getting better.

i am convinced i have seasonal depression. winter comes, everythign sucks. then after new years, i regain control, and things get better. it happened last year, like i lost 50 ish pounds the first half of last year, and then it slowed to a halt and i started bingeing, but nowadays i dont even feel like eating like ever its so amazing and now everything is getting happier for some reason... maybe this year i can lose another 50? we'll see ;]

69 pounds down, 35 to go, bring on the new year, bring it!

edit: also, on my thinspo site, i want to know what themes you guys would like to see. any ideas?
im already thinking about doing a whole post devoted to thigh gaps. i want thigh gap sooo badly lol im going to do that, and one with pictures of flat stomachs and such, but other than that, what do you guys want to see most?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

abc day 1!

i know, i know, been there, doen that, but its a new year, and my best friend ever is doing it with me, and i got my pretties on my side, so im all set!

start weight for 2010: 150
goal: 123 by june

i totally got this :]