Sunday, July 31, 2011

so despite bingeing (ugh) i did burn 800 calories yesterday.
today i weighed 151, so i'm hoping most of the 17 pounds i had gained is just water/food weight, and i'll be smaller tomorrow?
i don't feel like bingeing today... FINALLY!!!!!!!
i had 600 calories from breakfast and lunch, i'm going to play some DDR today and burn 1000 calories, and do some crunches and pushups and stuff, cuz i actually feel like it :)
hopefully i'll lose more water weight and be like 149 tomorrow i will be soooooooooo happy
i don't think i'll eat over 1000 calories for today. that is my plan. i'll have like a salad or something for dinner, some kind of veggies and a protein shake after i workout, and if i have extra calories left over, i'll have another protein shake before bed. gotta build me some muscles.
i cried with my mom a lot last night, we talked for hours. i love my mom, i really do. she is the best, despite everything we've both been through. we're a lot alike.
i cried out of nowhere this morning, just listening to music and playing spider solitaire... totally random :/
im so fat :(

i hope everyone is doing ok, im sorry i haven't been here for you guys really.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

i burned 263 calories playing ddr can i stop now wahhhhh
"no, you have to get to 1000, so suck it up and keep going you lazy fatass bitchcunt!"

weighed 154 this morning :'( wtf i haven't seen that number since like last year sometime :''(

i miss the old days when i could fast for 5 days and lose 5 pounds

Friday, July 29, 2011

since tuesday, i have gained 3 inches in my tummy.
my favorite pair of jeans that are usually loose on me are tight and my stomach is spilling over the top :( it hasn't been this bad in a while.
it is the start of the weekend.
haha get it? weak-end???
sorry, bad joke
anywho, today all i had was like...
oatmeal, strawberries, hot chocolate, broccoli, protein shakes...
1000 calories exactly.
burned some running and stuffs earlier, and i cleaned for a good 2.5 hours at least, and now i have to lug all my shit home, which means boxes and bags and tv and mini-fridge which i will count as working my arms and back :p lazy ass motha....
ate a shit ton yesterday.
worked out (sort of)
didnt sleep
ate breakfast
ran a mile in 12 minutes for the first time
i feel like shit :(
time to go home for three weeks
*sweatpants time*

Thursday, July 28, 2011

i fail.
i am an oreo cookie addict.
i worked out today, but only for 25 minutes, so i only burned 300 of the 1700 calories i ate :(
better than sleeping for 25 minutes......
oh, wait, i can do that now :)

*btw, i feel really weird bthe past few days, i just dont give a shit, i cant control what im eating, but oddly it isnt bothering me... i think its cuz the ladybitch upped my doses :/

i fucking want bread! lots and lots of bread!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


i need to get the sugar out of me.
fruits veggies protein shakes and eggs for the rest of the week.
fitness goal is to just workout everyday, no matter what that means.
i could do just weights, or just cardio, or just ten minutes of both, as long as i do SOMETHING!
i cant live with myself like this :(
im massive, and i jiggle more than i have in a long time...
i cant kill myself yet because i refuse to die fat.
i need to be in the 130s by the time fall starts.
so, im back on the pro-ana wagon, and im going to start abc august 1st.
until then, i have to shrink my stomach as much as possible, so abc will be easier.

i have six days, here are my rules:
1- no more than 300 calories per sitting
2- no more than 900 calories a day
3- 1 fruit and 1 veggie at least a day
4- alcohol does not count, mixers/chasers do count
5- do some form of exercise everyday

freebies: water, black coffee, tea, diet soda, liquor (lol), gum

i feel cracked out, i had like 6 cups of coffee :D
time to go work off yesterday's sugar binge >:D

btw, i love peri <3

Monday, July 25, 2011

i gained ten pounds this summer.... after losing ten right before summer -______-
this was after a three-day binge-a-thon at home, however, so it is possibly just water weight, but STILL
ugh :(

Thursday, July 21, 2011

im fucking starving. i'm going home for the weekend, and i am going to binge my life away, and i don't give a fuck. i haven't had any food in like 2 days because i have no money.
i fail at life, and apparently i fail at death too :(
i appreciate the support from you guys, but most of your comments just piss me off. god cant help me, if he exists, he put me in this shit so stfu and keep jesus out of my blog.
if you dont like what i say, then dont read it
this blog is for ME to vent and get things out because it is all i have left to work with so i dont care what you people think of me anymore.

(sidenote: zoloft didnt work for me at all, it made things worse. i like prozac better so far but i havent been able to have a followup appointment to raise the dose so its not really working per say but it could potentially help.)

and yes, in case anyone is wondering, i do want to give up. im so emotionally stressed and drained and i have no strength at all and you know what i dont care because i have been dealt the worst fucking hand of life cards that could possibly have been dealt to me and ive been through so many things and gotten through so many hard times that im just done so yes i give up i cant take this shit anymore.
i just have to find a better way out because taking 60 ibuprofen just made me really sick the ext day and im perfectly fine 3 days later :| and i do not understand why it didnt work but oh well ill just try something different next time.

having no fucking money for food doesnt help! aaaaaaa brain crazy from starving :(

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

oh and just for the record, i AM getting "help" im seeing a therapist, im on medications but its not fucking working.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

life is not a gift. this is not a fucking gift, it is hell.

Monday, July 18, 2011

in ten hours im going to be fucking shitfaced

i decided that today is the day. and therefore, i have a list of things i need to do before i go out:

get as much done in my novel as i can, clean my dorm, read the goddess book my friend gave me and give it back to her, shower, shave legs, straighten hair, put on lotion, take extra time to do perfect makeup…

get the stuff ready on my desk before i leave so when i come back ill be good to go

write a letter to mom asking her to sell my stuff so she will have money to pay the bills

write a letter of apology to my little brother, my superman <3

i can do this in ten hours, right?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

i burned 900 calories before 10am :D
later im going to start working on a new goal: to run a 5k in 30 minutes?
ive never kept track before, but i can do 5miles in about 45 minutes.
what's a good time to do a 5k?

Friday, July 15, 2011

burned 800 calories in 75 minutes.
whos da biiitch noooooooooooooooow?! :D
so i pretty much ate all the food in my dorm instead of throwing it out -___-
like 6 bowls of oatmeal
now i feel like oatmeal...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

i need to fast the day i decide to kill myself.

if they looked into my stomach and saw shit food i would literally come back to life and die again. that would be horrifically embarrassing.

i have 2 cents in my bank account, no food in my fridge, and no job. i need a cigarette, but i dont like bumming because i feel guilty, and i need to get wasted but i dont have money for alcohol and i already owe people money for beers and vodka so i cant borrow more money.
no job, no future, and debt, also, i have pretty much failed my summer classes.
im fat and ugly but i dont have food so at least i can starve.

actually, i can list the food i have in my dorm right now:
frozen strawberries.
protein shakes.
frozen broccoli.
a tomato.
dry rice.
dry beans.
and one packet of ramen noodles. that i will probably throw away because noodles are easily thrown up anyways so it's too tempting to have them in the first place.
i probably never will get around to the rice and beans because they take FOREVER to cook.
so yeah, living on protein shakes and oatmeal -___-

*adds to list of reasons i need to kill myself*

i just have to read wasted again, finish my novel before i kill myself. I WILL FINISH IT. if i decide to leave a suicide note it will be to my mom, for her to get my novel published, and for people everywhere to read it.


im throwing out the ramen and the rice and the almonds because they are too fatty and the sugary oatmeal, keeping the plain oatmeal.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

after-binge plan:

today: hour of cardio before bed (~700 cal).

30 min. weights (~250) + hour of cardio first thing in the am (~700 cal)

b- fruit, protein shake

l- lettuce, tomato, protein shake

d- steamed veggies, protein shake

30 min. cardio before bed (~350)

repeat for three days.

binge on college food.
fuck me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

i am dying without him

Saturday, July 9, 2011

no gym in 2 days, today will be day 3, no food yesterday except a cookie and a protein shake
no food today.....
i dont wanna be lazy :(
im sad and feel sick still and do NOT wanna move but i wont let myself drink tonight unless i do something but i dont wanna leave my room so im doing calisthenics on the floor even though its dirty.

Friday, July 8, 2011

im sick :( fml
someone send me a puppy and some sudafed?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

i've been working out for an hour every single day since sunday, i will not let this streak end until this sunday. 7 days in a row, an hour everyday!

30 min weights, 30 min cardio

but i just dont feel like it today :( i woke up sad.

im trying to talk myself into taking a rest day, but i ate ramen again last night and it so wasn't in my plan so i need to burn it off but rest days are, like, crucial or something...right?

it’s really just me being lazy, i need to go workout :x

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

i ate pasta last night cuz i was drunk :(
guess who gets to workout twice today?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

anyone who thinks god or alah or jesus or greaterpowers is gonna save me, should read this, now.
ive trusted god before. i gave him everything. he pretty much spit in my face.
i dont want to be happy, i dont want to live a full long and beautiful life.
i know what i am doing is wrong, and I KNOW THAT IT IS KILLING ME.
i know all of the health issues i will have if i continue this life.
that is kind of the point.
i would love to die.
gtfo my blog, go to church, and live your happy life.
im glad you found that for yourself, but i do not want it.
so fuck off.
when i started this, i wanted to be able to say ive lost 100 pounds.
i started at 215, ive lose about 75 pounds, if i can do that, then another 25 pounds will be a piece of cake.
wait not cake....
a cup of tea :) yes

Sunday, July 3, 2011

meal plan for the week

breakfast- 1 egg, 1/2 cup frozen strawberries, 6 almonds (140)
after workout snack- protein shake, peaches (145)
lunch- protein shake, salad (160)
dinner- protein shake, steamed veggies (160)
total= 605
*options can vary, e.i. salad for dinner and veggies for lunch, peaches for breakfast, etc
*meals can be skipped
*never go over 700
*must do some form of cardio, at least 30 minutes everyday
*must lift weights everyday (2 sets, 15 reps)
*NO SNACKING gum is permitted
*drinks shall include tea, coffee, water, diet soda

i have a plan, i will stick to it. i am going to eat breakfast and then i am going to the gym. my gym plan for today is to work all muscle groups and then reach 700cals on the elliptical.
i need to get this binge weight off. idk how much i gained, i didn't get on the scale, but i can FEEL it and it is disgusting.
it is sunday, first day of the week, and i'm going to make this week the best one.
oh, AND, i will go to my classes this week. no excuses.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Friday, July 1, 2011

isn't prozac supposed to help with bulimia? therapist said it would, said it would lower my appetite... nonstop b/p since i started taking it -__- why am i so fucked up?
and fucking FAT!