Wednesday, March 31, 2010


d. when one partakes in binge eating for any of the following reasons:
1) to put off doing something important
2) to have something to do other than something important
3) to make time go by until right before you absolutely must do something important

ok, so... i have 3 essays to write and submit via internet... by midnight... it's 11:20...

whatever you do, no matter what eating disorder you choose, NEVER procrastinate important things (like writing essays for scholarships for college) by bingeing. It is the worst kind of binge ever, and it did the opposite of helping me write these freakin essays :/

wish me luck, and thank god i can type fast!

i will return to emptiness, i have to. liquids only during spring break!
stay strong <333

Friday, March 26, 2010


yeah we didnt go to oa... we sat in the fucking parking lot for like 20 minutes debating on if we were gonna get out and walk in, or be little bitchy wimps and go home

and of course, food is so much more comforting than new situations :/

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

oa meeting

my best friend and i, who also struggles with b/p addiction and stuff, have decided to go to an overeaters anonymous meeting tonight at six.

one last binge before the big change.
update: i've finally gotten the hang of vomiting :/ fml


if i lose only 3 pounds a week, i can still meet my graduation goal weight of 123.
3 pounds, seriously???? thats so easy to do, i've lost up to 10 pounds in a week before, so 3 should be easy as pie. easy as low cal, sugar free, mini pie.
i will get there. i know i will.
i have to.
i'll show those bitches.
i'll be one of those sexy bitches.
just you wait.

(if anyone wants to bet on it, i'll be collecting money starting tomorrow :] hehe)

Monday, March 22, 2010


non-ed related post, fucking bitch i want to kill her so badly ughhh

here's why

theres a girl, who has ben in love with my bf for almost eternity, and she cant get over the fact that he LOVES me and HATES her, so she makes up all kinds of stories about how she had sex with him and he cheated on me with her and all kinds of shit

meanwhile, i, not even thinking about her at all, become a fan of "there are plenty of fish in the sea, so could you please stop flirting with my fish?"'s page.

she takes this to mean that i am attacking her, and then goes off about how she tried to warn me he was trouble blah blah blah

look bitch, i don't even know you, so stop tagging me in stupid pictures on facebook, stop being a drama queen, stop dragging me into all your fucking petty teenage drama bullshit.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Quick upd8: Havent binged since monday! finally got prom dress and its perfect and inma look amazing because im only eatin fruits/veggies til prom <3 u guys!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tip: drink a big bottle of water right before a long shower, that way your full and you relax, so you wont want to binge when you get out of the shower.

Monday, March 15, 2010


i smoked my first cigarette today...
and still i am eating cereal

Friday, March 12, 2010


...being fat, i have had the best day ever.

I love my boyfriend. We have the best sex ever. And this is my blog so im going to say whatever the hell i want to about how amazing he is, and about how awesome our sex ALWAYS is. I have never had bad sex with him. and i always get hot and sweaty, mostly i do that on purpose, because it burns more calories. :/ yeah, i think about food even when im fucking my boyfriend :// its so sad.
anywho, today was so great because i made him breakfast in bed :]]] it was adorable. even if i did eat two bowls of grits. and then later we went to the mall and picked out his tux for prom. he looks so fineeee omggggg

we had a talk last night. about the future.
b- "how long do you think we'll be together?"
me- "forever, duh :p hehe"
b- "for real? like for real for real?"
me- "yeah :DD"
b- "yay :DD"
me- "what about you how long do you think?"
b- "forever and ever and ever :D"
me- "awww yayyyyy :]"
b- "so... hypothetically speaking.......if like... in a few years.... i happened to ask you to marry me.... what would you say?"
me- "0.0 i would say yes :DD"
b- "really?"
me- "yeah really really"
b- "i love you heather"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D yaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!! and we pretty much talked like all night.
le sighhhh :] hehehehehehehehe so im all giddy now :D

and still fat because for some reason happiness is a binge trigger? how that happens, i will never know... grrrrrrrr

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

does this ever happen to you?

is anyone else scared to death to drink water because you honestlycant remember how long its been since the last time you actually had your 8 cups of water in one day so you pretty much know your dehydrated as all get out and your scared to drink like a gallon of water because your scared you'll gain like tons of water weight before you start to lose the water weight??
i used to drink 5 24-ounce bottles of water every day. now i barely get in a cup. its been way too long. and ive been saying that im going to start drinking water like i used to, back when i actually lost weight because i never ate anything, but i dont want to have to face the world with a fat puffy face like the one i already have right now :/
i binged last night, but threw up some of it which never happens so i was pretty happy because of that, however not all of it came up so i took laxatives so i know i should drink even more water because of that but im so scared to...
i should just get over it :/ i dont want to die of dehydration. that would behorrible.
headline: fat wannabe dies trying to dehydrate herself to lose water weight... nuh-uh.. not gonna happen.
no day better than today to start over right?
i just wish every day wasnt a start over day :/

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The only thing walmart is good for is their cheap laxatives and their 58 cent donuts. Love.

Friday, March 5, 2010


my stomach is in knots
ive been sick for like 3 days ish i think
on tuesday i threw up all over the place which was ok cuz i had just binged so at least i got rid of that food cuz god knows i couldnt have done it without being sick...
except then i binged on wednesday :/
i did really reall well yesterday until my mom left to take my brother to baseball practice.
then i had 2 slices of pizza, the hugest burrito ever, a cinnamon roll and 2 donuts washed down with this starbucks mocha coffee thingy and a snickers bar :/
so in all actuality, it wasnt a fail day but it definitely was the opposite of good. anything less than perfect is failure :/ i hate it
but anyways now i have the worst gas ever it hurts to move its so gross and horrible i have never ever in my life had this problem but i feel like this huge inflated balloon i can feel the air moving through my intestines its really really weird
im just hoping it goes away

the worst part is i totally forgot all about the cookies i bought, so now theyre in my closet waiting for me :/
but im supposed to be doing this thing with my friend were going to be like breatharians kinda like gandhi he fasted on liquids for 68 days isnt that awesome im so jealous urghhhh

i wish my tummy would just go away
why do we even need stomachs ugh
*will post thinspo soon, promise*

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

growing down?

I just wanna say that everyone shoud go support these people because they are amazing :]
charlie whisper vinushka snowwhite lillie flower
pokerface dot ana_bella

Ok, so earlier today I was thinking: most people are expected to "grow up" during life. Like, mature and grow from a child to an adult, and make a life for themselves. However, I feel as though most of my life, I was expected to be the good little girl, and I was always seen as a grown up by the adults because I was shy and quiet, and everyone assumed that meant I was mature. So everyone always expected me to be the grown up little girl. With that expectation shoved down my throat all the time, I never got a chance to play with the othe kids, or make bad grades, or have birthday parties, or play dress up. I never got to run around crazy in public, because I felt like that's not what "good little girls" were expected to do, and my mom wouldn't love me if I did what other kids did.
Also, I was obese as a child, we're talking 190 pounds at age 12 obese, so I never had many friends anyways, so there was no point in acting like a child. I was expected to sit back, be quiet, and know what I wanted from life. Everyone thought I wasn't interested in boys because I never had a boyfriend, but really boys were so uninterested in me because I was fat and ugly that they made fun of me and I would cry when nobody was watching. So instead of dealing with this, I focused myself on school, and shut myself out from the world of people my own age.
When my little brother was born, I was expected to help take care of him. I always felt that I had a certain responsibility over him, not only as a sister, but that because I was so "intelligent" and "mature" that I was supposed to teach him everything. This made me even more shut off from the world.
All my friends my entire life have been younger than me. I never had anyone to help me "grow up" because I never had older friends to teach me stuff or older girlfriends to have "girl talk" with or anything like that. I always had to make myself seem cool so that at least the younger kids would like me and be my friend.
Now, however, I feel as if my whole life, especially this last year in high school, has been spent growing down instead of up. For example, I am smaller now than I ever have been in my whole life. I spend more time watching disney movies now than I did when I was 6. I eat more kid food, like go-gurt, and juice boxes, and cookies and milk, than I ever used to. When I binge, usually its on foods that take me back to faint childhood memories, times when I actually felt like a little kid. Like bingeing on Taco Bell food, because every saturday my grandma would take me to yard sales all morning and we always went to Taco Bell for lunch. Or the whole cookie thing I have, because my grandma always had cookies in her cookie jar. Or bingeing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because when I was really little, my mom and I would sit on the beach and eat our sandwiches and build sand castles.
I am so scared of what is going to happen once I graduate. There is no life before birth, and if I keep growing down, I have no idea where I will be, but I am too scared to grow up because I'm not ready for the responsibilities of college life, or adult life, or life in general.
I haven't been to school since last Thursday, partly because Ive been sick, but mostly because I am so scared to face high school. I'm just now settling in to what my interpretation of high school is, and it's almost over. I am so scared to graduate. I don't even want it to happen. I keep bingeing to procrastinate, to put off graduation one more day, to shut it out like it's not even going to happen. It's almost like I'm living in another dimension: I'm here, but I'm really not here because I'm not anywhere except at home stuffing my face. I haven't talked to ayone from school. I don't really want to. I don't want to face it. I don't want to grow up.
How can you grow up when you haven't even had a childhood yet?

On another note, I've fasted for almsot two days again, yay!
I hope everyone is doing well <333

Monday, March 1, 2010

fail, but something to encourage everyone-must read

what else is new.
start over tomorrow.
first day of march, last day of bingeing.
this months plan:
-plan at least 4 fast days a week and stick to it
-on eating days, i will not go over 500 calories
-exercise at least 3 days a week, preferably on eating days
-must burn every calorie consumed and then some
-start drinking water again, because dehydration sucks ass
-reintroduce myself to moisturizing skin lotion
doesnt seem too bad. its not how i used to do, but its closer than my life right now seems to be. hmmm... idk how much i weigh. i weighed myself like 2 weeks ago and cried and havent checked it since. im not going to look until i fast for 2 days at least.

ive been watching lots of ed-related shows/movies on youtube lately. they are helping me stay distracted. i think thats what i will do from now on.
yay for online tv, especially since i have no cable or on demand tv.
oh, the wonders of the world wide web. where would i be without you?

i want to say this really quick before i go run with my ana buddy.
to all you girls and/or guys who read my blog and find some sort of inspiration, here's the deal: no matter how much you have fucked up in the past, no matter how much ice cream you have binged on, or how many times you've thrown up, or how many times you've taken more than 30 laxatives at a time, there will be a brighter day. we can do this. every single one of you has had at least one good day in the past. keep that day in your memory. dont let it slip away. if you've had at least one good day before, then there's no doubt that you can have many more days in the future. everyone fucks up, were all human beings wuith raging hormones and exuberant desires, and especially if you have this type of relationship with food, youre almost guaranteed to have days where you vacuum every morsel of any type of food in sight, but know his: if you havent failed yet, then you are not trying hard enough. if you have failed multiple times, that only means that your one of the strongest persons out there, that means that at least you are still trying and you havent given up yet.
to anyone working towards a goal of any type, whether it be weight loss, or trying to find yourself, or even eating disorder recovery, know that no matter what happens, if you have slipped up a few times, it is going to be ok. the road will be long and it will be bumpy, but we can all make it through this.
for all the girls who want to be perfect, we will get there. i believe in us. i believe that we can all be whoever we want to be, and if you want to be skinny, thin, delicate, beautiful, perfectly dainty and tiny and shrink your body into a waif, then let's go. there is no better time to start over than right now. lets throw our binge stash in the garbage right now, and vow as of right now to be stronger. we can use our past mistakes to teach us how to be stronger in the future.

sorry for the rant, i just thought we all might need to be encouraged and i know some of you are struggling, i do read your blogs, i just dont always know what to say, but ive been thinking about you guys alot and i really wish everyone the best. i know we can do this. no day but today.
stay strong lovelies <333

ps, my bestie and i are going to start going to oa meetings starting wednesday. no more bingeing!