Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
i even threw up some of my lunch. what am i becoming?
oh well, i have some movies and some vodka and mommy is coming to pick me up in the morning to take me back to la-la-land for the weekend.
Girl, Interrupted. Black Swan. Hannibal.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
BUT! i didn't purge.
except then mom wanted to take me to dairy queen before she dropped me off at my dorm, since we didn't really do anything for my birthday, and i already had like 3000 calories today so i was like meh wwutevaa and i got this huuuge ice cream thing that was a little over 1000 calories and when i realized i had eaten over 4000 calories and not purged, i tried to as soon as i got here, and i got like maybe half a cup full of vomit -______________- i was like.. seriously.. seriously... ugh
i promised myself this morning when i woke up i would go to the campus gym today.
AND I DID
and i lifted heavy weights, heavier than i ever have and that made me proud. and also because i’m the only girl in there ever who actually lifts weights… and there definitely were people there bigger than me, and this one girl reminded me of my former self from like 3 years ago (i was 215) and she was GETTING IT on the elliptical and i wanted to get some pompoms and cheer her on!!!!! lol..
i didn’t burn as many calories as i planned to, but i did more today than i usually do when i go to the gym. i lifted weights for 40 minutes and then 45 minutes on the crosstrainer thing and burned like 1000 calories total, so i am pretty proud of myself :)
im seriously the only girl in the gym who looks like a drowning rat from sweat who lifts 50lb weights and all the other girls are running on the treadmill with their skinny-fat flapping in the wind. like… seriously? i could kick you guys’s asses >:)
i do miss doing the crosstrainer for hours though, cardio is nice. i don't think my heart would have been able to handle it after this weekend though, but i do want to work myself up to more cardio so my heart will be ok maybe....
ok so goals for the week:
- lift weights at least 3 times (full body, 3 sets of 15 reps).
- burn at least 3500 calories in cardio (700calories/day, 5 days).
- have protein after every. single. workout.
ha.. anyway.. imma drink my bedtime tea and watch war of the worlds, and try to sleep eventually :) <3
I AM FUCKING BACK MOTHERFUCKERS! (oh and i will be posting some of my collages on here sometime this week)
i found all my old journals from when i first started really losing weight. i fasted for 6 whole days once and lost like 30 pounds in a month. i used to do "liquids only" for days and days and every wednesday was "zero calories wednesday"
what in the actual fuck happened to me? it was SO easy then, like i literally was a fucking PRO at dis shiiit.
so............what's stopping me from doing all that now?
oh, yeah... nothing!
i will be fucking skinny. i used to make collages, i have over 300 of them in a folder with my journals. and i will be making a lot more of them.
today i have had about 750 calories today, it is 2:15pm, and i am green tea fasting for the rest of the day. i will be fasting this week sometime. wednesday will be no calories.
im gonna fucking do this. im tired of not actually working for it like i used to.
i will be working out some this week, mostly just weights so i don't lose muscle. the only food i have in my dorm is frozen veggies, eggs, and a pound of dry black beans, so i can have protein after i work out but basically that will be it. fuck all this being fat shit.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
my mom and i are drunk
my little brother is all like "lets play a board game!!!!"
so we play aggravattion
he kicks our ass
and all my mom and i can do
is laugfh our asses off xD
times like this man, times like htis. <3
if i could stay here forever i would be ok.
but then, life has to happen sometimes,.
sorry for getting all philosophical while drunk lol
imma finish this green tea, go shower, maybe drink another cup of green tea or possibly just go straight for the vodka, cuz we is drankin tonight!
True Life: I have an eating disorder
i just cried for 42 minutes straight. i basically am all three of these people put together. and the guy’s mom basically did what my mom did “im glad were gonna get that taken care of” …yeah… right….. :( “it’s what i do when i’m lonely” “i’m just so uncomfortable in my skin today… i get so disgusted with my body that i don’t wanna do anything” :’(…… the sad part is i really just wanna go nomvom all over my kitchen now :”(
Friday, September 23, 2011
im debating on just lying here and not purging because purging will fuck up my heart more but i cannot lie down because my stomach hurts so bad wahhh
times like this, i would give anything and everything to be able to control this.
im gonna go purge now, so at least my stomach will stop hurting. my heart won’t ever stop hurting anyway.
i literally b/p’d on enough food for like two weeks, didn’t get everything up, drank a two liter of water, purged that (with more food), drank another two liter of water and purged (food), and was going to do the water thing again because i KNOW there’s still food in me but i had been doing this for three hours and all the purging was making my heart feel reeeeeeeeally weird and my eyes got bloodshot and i got dizzy when i stood up the last time :( so i took a shower. and now my nails are breaking off.
my stomach looks like a bag that has been emptied, you know how bags get like wrinkles and folds when they’re empty? that’s kinda what my stomach looks like. it feels like i put it through the rinse cycle.
green tea, cigarette, and then the drinking shall commence unless i’m too tired.
home with lost of food and lots of vodka sounds like a better birthday weekend anyway.
it occurred to me, being this antisocial is a lot more expensive...
food and vodka, for one night for me, is like..... anywhere from $20 to $60.... to be able to binge, purge, and then drink "properly" anyway...
lol what even is "proper" when it comes to b/p lololol no such thing.
i am in a fairly odd mood..........
imma go bake me a cake now, for mah birfday. imma bake mah cake and eat it too! maybe even eat it twice if i'm lucky tonight, because my first b/p of the day i didn't get any food up, just water :| and solution was to eat more food what i can't even what sense does that make?!??!?!?!?!
it will still taste the same. i cant even fucking ice a cake right. fuck everything.
oh yay i get to eat more fucking food! sparkle hearts stars sparkle sparkle :DD <33 ~*~*~*~*~*~
im definitely throwing up in HER toilet tonight and NOT mine.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
so ya know what? fuck all of everyone. no, you can’t drink with me because i paid for this with my own fucking food money and no i will not smoke weed from you because i cat smoke after im drinking i have to smoke before i drink or i go crazy. nobody ever wants to do anything during the day, and im not the type of person to love being high at night because when im high is the only time i think sunshine is pretty so just fuck everyone.
happy fucking birthday. im gonna watch 101 dalmations again and chug my handle of vodka all by myself until i fucking die.
i dont even want to fucking drink anymore i want to spend my very last 20 bucks, that i was gonna spend on weed, and just binge. i want to spend all of my money thats supposed to last me the next 3 months on food and binge and purge until my heart explodes. i cant fucking do this.
why does everybody fucking hate me? like really wtf did i do to the world to make everyone act such shit to me?!
...the lonliest kind of lonely is when you search your whole entire life for that one special person who understands, one person who will just exist with you when the world turns its back on you, one person to make you feel not left out and alone and sad, and then you finally find that one single person in the whole wide world, and then they die. because then you're even more alone in the world than you already were before.
i never ever thought i would live this long, nor did i ever want to, tbh.
i'm fasting today. coffee, water, tea, and then tonight if i can find someone old enough to buy vodka then i will celebrate my birthday.
i drank like 4 bottles of gatorade last night because i panicked from my heart feeling so weird after i purged. so i feel better ish now, i guess. except i also ate more food, so blehhh
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
ten minutes before the end of class: no, i won’t b/p today, i’m too tired
class gets out: orders pizza, ziti, ice cream, breadsticks, cookies, poptarts….
i think i got everything out though, and i only had about 350 calories earlier. if i didn't get everything out, i got most of it out, and the first thing i ate would have only made my calories go to like 600 ish. bleh. im so tired now :(
i ate like 50 bucks worth of food :( i dont fucking have this kind of money that was supposed to be for vodka for my birthday but i cant stop eating and my heart feels really weird it keeps skipping and like halfway beating but i cant stop and my throat hurts and i just hate everything and i want my heart to fucking explode already so i can just die :'(
plan for today:
b- had 2 eggs, oatmeal, plum (245)
l- celery, carrots, broccoli (85)
d- veggies, beans (200)
maybe i'll go to the gym today? i need to at least do weights.
i feel weird today. like im sitting in the library and im hiding in this chair in a corner at the top floor and there are like no people at all except sometimes a person will walk by and im like terrified its an alien or something or that they see me and think im hiding up here cuz im looking at porn or something... and then there are all these bookshelves and they look like they're dancing or something... idk
im so fucking hungry. i wanna lay in bed all day and binge and not go to class but im already on campus, no sense in going back to my dorm, and also i have to turn in a paper blehhh but i just wanna wear sweats and watch disney movies and eat pizza and smoke weed
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
i am definitely restricting today holy crap i ate a shit ton of food last night and then just went to bed.....
so i woke up more bloated than ive been in fucking forever and i have a food hangover-not even a drinking hangover -___-
if i had laxatives i would be so happy right now :( yesterday the most embarrassing thing happened. i was at wal-mart and i ran in, grabbed a box of laxatives, went to the self-checkout line, and when i went to put my money into the machine it wouldn't take my last dollar... so i had three people in line behind me like "whats taking you so long wtf" and i didn't know what to do so i cancelled the payment which made the machine give me my money back and i just like ran out the store...
which means the people behind me were left with a machine that had a box of laxatives sitting on it...
i wonder what they were thinking about me?
i couldn't stop thinking about that last night lol it shouldn't bother me, i don't know them and they don't know me and i'll probably never see those people ever again but still....
definitely not going to weigh myself today.... i need a scale for my dorm.
OMFG i just realized i only have 3 days until my birthday :( i failed my birthday challenge. maybe i will just fast until my birthday once i get to my dorm. i mean it's not like i have money for food anyway. the money i have is for drugs lol
Saturday, September 17, 2011
ive never ever throen up from drinking thouhgh so theres no chance tha will happen
i have so much orange juice in my tummy xD
shre bought me a handle of vodka for m birthday and we finished the whole thing tonight in like 3 horurs :) i love my mommy lolol
Friday, September 16, 2011
goal for today: liquids only. under 500 calories.
i want to have abs by halloween so i can wear sexy costumes instead of regular ones. just cuz i've never been able to before.
also, i made a mini calendar for this 100 day thing. a notecard for each day saying how many days left and every like ten days or so imma write my weight/measurements :) i only have to lose 16 pounds by christmas, so i have plenty of time, but i mainly want to perfect my restricting and get to a point where drinking a bathtub full of water doesn't make me gain like 6 pounds of water weight. and also, i need to stop binging everytime i come home. my family has like no food in the house now, after 6 binges in 2.5 days, and my mom is working two jobs and still doesn't have money for enough food, so i feel really bad now. i mean, all the things i binged on i made sure there was a lot of it, or that it was food that my mom and brother don't eat a lot of, like pasta and oatmeal. so i didn't eat any of the "good" food. and also because it doesn't really matter what you binge on if you're just gonna throw it up, so i didn't binge on anything like really delicious. except cookies, but they were really old and hard so i figured it was ok lol
today will consist of coffee water tea juice and gatorade to get my electrolytes back in order (so peri doesn't shoot me through the computer). i have to help my om move furniture and stuff all day, so i can't just like pass out in front of her, she would flip shit and i don't want to scare her any more than i already do.
i will catch up you guys's blogses laters when i'm not trying not to die in front of my mom. <3
Thursday, September 15, 2011
thirty minutes to wait for them to leave aaaaaaagggghhhh
calories numbers i binged on four pounds of food get the fuck out leave now calories mom leave hunter has practice numbers ok you’ll be numbers late you should calories really just leave now calories leave now gtfo calories
drink water keep trying throw up until waters clear dont freak no panic aaaaaaaaaa
i just want jake back :'(
i feel a little better now, it is 7:30 am, my mom just left for work and i will be home alone until like 4 ish. i have a plan!
plan A: weigh-in, coffee (with milk for calcium= 65), breakfast (eggs & banana or oatmeal? ~200), toning exercises for 30 min(-270), DDR for two hours (-1000), lunch (vegetables. 100), finish wintergirls, drink a bathtub full of water, dinner (salad. 100) TOTAL=500 max.
i have to be good today. if not, then i have a plan b for if i binge. i planned out plan b before i came up with plan a….
plan b: weigh-in, coffee (milk= 65), binge/purge, breakfast (eggs, banana. ~200), toning exercises (-270), DDR (-1000), drink bathtub, lunch (vegetables. 100), wintergirls, toning exercises, binge/purge, dinner (salad. 100). TOTAL=500 max.
((plan c: fast.)) ((plan d: b/p all day, no other food.))
i weigh 144 :'( so i only lost 3 pounds in two weeks, except i know i was less than that yesterday morning. but considering i did binge last night and might not have gotten all of the first binge out, i am ok with this. my upper limit used to be 155, so now i think i am lowering that to 150. as long as i am under 150 no matter what, then i won't die. but i hope tomorrow i am 144 or less.
i havent had milk in my coffee in so long 0__0 this is fucking delicious!
part of me wants to tell somebody and part of me is like FUCK YEAH BITCHES I HAD 32378 CALORIES TODAY AND IM STILL 144!!!!!!!!!
i need inpatient. bleh :))
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
i also discovered that it is possible for me to throw up in a toilet, which i have never been able to do. but i didn't get everything up, maybe like 1/5th. then, mom wanted to make dinner calories
so i ate like 4 bowls of pasta and threw that up until i tasted the other stuff i had eaten earlier.
i feel like shit, and my tummy hurts, and my teeth feel nonexistent.
i want to try and fast tomorrow.
god my stomach hurts so bad. i wish i had laxatives :(
(also, vintage model spam on my tumblr. it's da bomb: http://heather-hunger.tumblr.com/)
((also also, I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID REFUND! its only a hundred bucks though, so ill probably spend most of it on weed, vodka, and laxatives :p))
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
this excerpt from wintergirls makes me want to fast tomorrow. i have seriously cried multiple times reading this book already. this part right here, though, is what i aim for, the numbness that starving brings. i did it once, i can do it again. i do not want to feel this shit anymore, and honestly i'm so lonely that if my tummy growled, i would probably talk back to it. also, i would love to be a cute little hamster.
i was planning on having some soup (30) with vegetables (50) and some more beans (140), which would bring my total to 520… i might just have the soup… or just the beans, for protein… or just coffee… :/ now i’m all sad again.
also, this looks exactly like my old friend and i, she always had crazy air, and i always tried to dress like her but looked weird standing next to her, but we were bffles and i miss her to death :'(
she used to have a blog on here, but she deleted it when we stopped talking :''(
i broke my fast with peanut butter, my roommate's, because i have no food except dried beans, and while i was waiting for them to cook i had a spoon of peanut butter :)
i have literally nothing after those beans and the one bag of popcorn are gone. i'm trying to stretch it out until thursday night, when i go home. i am so excited to go home because there will be food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaa :D
um... today i feel rested. a little dizzy from the fasting and because i probably didn't drink enough water, and also because cigarettes make me dizzy sometimes. anybody else get dizzy while smoking, or is it just me?
so now i'm just chillin in the library, sippin on some water.
i'm reading wintergirls. part of me wants to fast until i'm done with this book. i think that is a genius idea. but then i will be more likely to binge when i go home... so idk.
maybe i'll do that with the next book i read.
lol when i'm at the library, and i have to use the restroom, i turn on my webcam and put this up on my laptop cuz im too lazy to pack all my stuff up especially if i'm just gonna come back to this same spot :p hehehe
Monday, September 12, 2011
the hunger high is kicking in. maybe i'll get re-addicted this time, and then the binge addiction will go the fuck away?
i am distracting myself with homework >:D skinny and smart what what
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i want to fast today. i want to workout today. should i save my workout for a day when i eat, or should i save my fast for another day?technically i could do both but i dont want to work out hardcore and not replenish my muscles and such. i worked too hard to gain the muscle mass back that i lost when i got really unwell last time.
but i really want to fast and lay around on my fat lazy ass all day because i walked for two hours yesterday for cigarettes AND went to a rave party didnt get home until 4am, on top of a hardcore workout i did yesterday morning............ needless to say i am tired, and i should probably take a "rest day" and eat tons of protein.
problem is, i dont have any protein at all, unless popcorn has protein... so i might just fast and let my muscles rest. i might go for a walk later or something, walk to the library and hang out in there for a bit. i love the library. except i know for a fact i will be in there all day everyday this week, mon-thurs. and i dont have any homework really. i could go work on my novel?
sorry if it seems like i am ranting, i feel kind of on a cloud right now and i am trying to organize my thoughts. lol i smoked a lot of weed at the rave last night. my friend johnny was one of the DJs, and there were a lot of drugs at that place, like omg. this guy i knew there gave me x. it was ok, but i didnt get to take enough for the full effects, but i guess that is a good thing. dont wanna have a bad first trip :p he was on a lot of shrooms, as well... the whole thing was just funny because i was the most sober person there, and i was high and on ecstasy, holding a beer, bobbing my head to some of dj johnny's dubstep :)
OH and i didnt feel very fat last night but its probably because i walked and exercised so much and i wore a huge tee shirt. i had the munchies like a mofo though haha
anyways, i think i have decided to just fast today and take a nice shower and paint my nails and do girly-myself-time stuff today. and i downloaded wintergirls on .pdf so i want to read that as well. (i might take a trip to the library to read, and then i'll get like 30 min. total of walking exercise, which is ok for fasting)
ok so i hope everyone is doing ok, i know some of you are struggling at the moment, and i just want to say i love you :)
last time i ate was around 4:30-5:00 am, so i’m on hour 8. no solids until 7am on tuesday. i will drink water, coffee, tea, clear broth, etc. if i work out monday i will have a protein shake.
i’m gonna be doing the whole tally mark thing on my arm too, to keep me motivated. i’ll take a picture when i’m done. anyone wants to join, let me know :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
bleh. i really should have gone home this weekend but i dont want to binge again (even though i had like 1600 calories today) and the guy i got high with last night (my bf's friend) is dj-ing tomorrow night and i wanna go. the only bad thing is i don't want to go alone, but i have no one to go with me............................
what i need to do tonight:
- shower (and shave my legs :p)
- paint toenails
- print my poem for class
what i wanted to do tonight:
- smoke weed
- drink lots of vodka
- talk to people
what im currently doing:
- eating beans
- watching inception
- chipping the polish off my nails
so i walked all over campus with jake's old friend jonny and he got me high and i ate popcorn and watched inception.
and the rest of the weekend i will be in the library. or the gym.
plan for today: already had breakfast (140) might possibly fast the rest of the day or have a protein shake or something. after my binge yesterday i seriously have only dried beans, some quinoa, and frozen veggies, and one packet of popcorn left...
oh! i have a starbucks giftcard...... idk what the hell i would get there, everything is loaded with sugar... maybe a green tea. i haven't had green tea in a long time.
okay time to go to the library and read for my classes and work on my novel and look up thinspo and basically be a hobo :) i love the library #thisiswhyihavenofriendslol
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I AM GOING TO FUCKING BREAK THINGS.
i dont want new friends, my old friends were perfect, i dont understand why they're being so mean to me all of a sudden.
so now im sitting here crying with makeup all over my face, i have to wash my face fucking AGAIN and put pajamas back on, i wasted makeup and lotion for nothing :’( i just want more food.
NO I WILL NOT BUM YOU A CIGARETTE FUCK OFF
i really just wanna go home this weekend. i do not want to deal with these immature ridiculous people. i don't have any money for drugs, so there is no point in starving alone in my dorm all weekend when i can be bingeing and purging at home with my family.
my logic makes sense okay fuck off okay
:/ i dont really know what else to post about.
i hate everything. i just wish it would all end. im tired of people being all like, "oh it could be worse, you could be dead" or "at least you're still breathing"
like, HELLO NEWSFLASH the fact that i AM still breathing is THE WHOLE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
i fucking hate people. seriously. nobody understands.
i dont want you to cheer me up, i dont want your fucking advice. i dont want you to talk me into or out of anything.
all i want is someone to listen, to actually for real hear me, and at least try to understand. i want to be able to talk without having to get bullshit feedback.
i just want to not be alive anymore. this isn't worth it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
but maybe this will help me bust through this rough spot i've been at for like a year. i need to be in the 30s soon. i felt probably 147 ish this morning, but i don't have a scale in my dorm so :(
i have classes today, then workout tonight. i have all my food already laid out and sorted and ready to go that way when i go to eat i don't have to think about "hmm what should i eat oh this looks good but it has calories nvm i wont eat" planning ahead is really helping me this time. i ended yesterday right at about 600 calories, and today will be about the same depending on if i eat all the popcorn i packed for myself while i'm on campus today.
i need some money :( being a broke college kid sucks, all i have really is vegetables and popcorn and cereal. i need protein. i have beans but that's about it. i will be out of protein shakes by the end of this week :( hopefully i can talk my grandma into getting me some. or at least giving me some money for like eggs and soymilk and stuffs.
i'm kind of apathetically hopeful today. i know that sounds like a weird combination, trust me, it feels just as weird as it sounds lol
i have philosophy class in 20 minutes, i will update you guys later tonight on how i did today :)
btw, how is everyone else doing? i'm trying really hard to keep up with your blogs. there are so many! i love this community, i really do :) <3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
ok so my friend D was like a bunch of us are going to applebees at 9:30 we would love it if you came, i'll buy you dessert!! :DDD
I SERIOUSLY WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM IN THE THROAT I AM SO PISSED HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DID HE FORGET THE LAST TIME I WAS IN APPLEBEES AND HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?!?!?!?!
i fucking hate people. also, he knows i have NO money and its fucking 9:30, im deff going to sleep soon wtfff AND WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EAT SO LATE AT NIGHT?!!??!
i hate them. they are the nicest people ever but their niceness is what kept me from losing more weight over summer >:( fucking fatass american bitches.
i need skinny friends.
other news :D good day so far, let's hope i can get to sleep soon though so i don't binge. late nights are the worst :p
BUT i hardcore worked out today for the first time since like the middle of july :D and my muscles hurt. i am going to post my dailyplate thingy on here every single day until my birthday.
my plan is to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weights a day at the very least, and if i feel up to it, burn at least 500 calories during cardio. if not, then 30 minutes will do (~350 calories, usually once i get to that point i HAVE to make it a more even number though lol)
i am back! how is everyone? :D
i got high last night and had munchies like i haven't had in a loooooooooooong time :(
so i ate a bag of popcorn, a can of mixed nuts, and like 3 servings of cookie crisp cereal, and a protein shake haha
bleh... diet time!
max 700 calories a day.
i'm going to start drinking water again, like 10 cups a day at least.
at least 2 vegetables a day.
i need to stop eating so many nuts (no really salted mixed nuts, trail mix, etc... it's horrible it's like my tongue has a fetish for them lol)
and i need to exercise. i'm gonna try for 1 hour a day. 30 min. weights, 30 min. cardio.
i always do better the first few days if i say i'm on a "diet" i know dieting is bad, and usually people gain weight after they quit their diets, but this is't really a diet in the first place.
if i could continue this for the rest of the year............. :0
i wish i knew how much i weigh right now :( im so bloated aaaaaaaaaa fuck salt
also, after my birthday i'm doing abc again.
i'll update later, i have class in an hour, then i'm spending the rest of the day in the library
(or at least until like 6, then i'll go to they gym) :p
Monday, September 5, 2011
im never buying food again. after i get my tattoo, my money will be spent on cigarettes first, alcohol second, and weed third.
and whatever other drugs i feel like doing :p
(disclaimer: i am not a druggie, i don't do drugs every day, i don't even smoke cigarettes everyday. i'm generally a good student when i'm not in depressed-agoraphobic-bingepurgeinmydormallday mode, and i usually hide in the library doing homework. i don't thin kthere is anything wrong with getting fucked up on the weekends after my homework is done)
((and it beats the shit out of spending money on shit food. happy times :D))
also, i weighed 151 saturday morning, 149 yesterday morning, and 149 this morning. bleh. it could have been worse.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
ugh and i was supposed to fast today because i have to go to a baseball game tonight and i wanted to wear cute clothes but nothing fits me anyway except metal band shirts and loose jeans bleh
meh. i feel so like apathetic. i need a cigarette <3
Saturday, September 3, 2011
im not eating until after my birthday.
i am an emotional wreck i went to my little brothers football game and cried because he plays with so much heart..
wtf is wrong with me?
i had an amazing day!
i feel manic :D
and i have been purging all day but that is besides the point because today was awesome and i love my little brother <333
i purged like 5 gallons of water today... like, not food, like i binged on water??? wtf???
all these came from today btw, in order.... im a bipolar mess :p
Friday, September 2, 2011
but for the life of me, i cannot ever seem to purge small quantities >:( if i have like a piece of cake i cant just go throw it up and it pisses me off more than ever.
in other news, i atually had a great day? like wtf??
i picked up my guitar for the first time in months and played a simple G chord and i felt like sweeney todd "at last! my arm is complete again!"
i feel almost complete. still suicidal, just more at peace with it.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
*anger/leave me alone!*
*remember how amazing being high is right after you throw everything up*
*spend half an hour purging, drinking water, re-purging, etc*
*needs excuses as to why it took me half an hour to walk downstairs*
since i woke up, i cannot stop thinking about candy and i fucking WANT IT so bad :( but i have no money for candy. and no cigarettes left. so if i did have money i would spend it on cigarettes instead of candy anyways :(
my plan from now on is to only spend money on drugs and alcohol. and juice. i love juice.
no more food for meeee
especially not candy ugh :(
oh, also, i turn 20 in 20 days :'( i never wanted to live this long. fml.
but suicide never works for me.... i fail at life, and death, so wtf am i supposed to do now?!
also also, my legs have been numb, like all day... like im scared to try and walk cuz everytime i get up i fall lol im like those toys that stand straight and when you push the button they like crumble... oh shit, that was an amazing metaphor for my life............ i just mindfucked myself wtf mindmasturbation whattt