Friday, July 31, 2009


the title says it all :)
156, much? Oh hellz yeah. I feel so much better. I think it's because I drank double my weight in water yesterday. Fuck yes.
"I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find is the love that I've found ever since you've been around, your love's put me on the top of the world" Love the carpenters. Such awesome thinspo, she was gorgeous.
And soon, I will be too :] Excpet that's kind of a bad picture of her, but oh well. LOVE!
So my mom is home now, and she's actually in the room with me, but she's on the other computer doing like photo editing or something (she wants to be a photographer). Idk. But yep this is my 3rd cup of coffee, and I'm finally caught up on everyone's blogs, and today is 500 calories max, and so far I am at zero! I found that if I don't eat as long as possible, it's easier to stay under the limit for the day. Which is good :] Yesterday I only had 385 :D yay for soup! And tofu shirataki noodles! lol.
omg this girl right here is so freaking amazingly stunning. I want her. I want to look like her :/
or this one :Dor her:

ok im getting carried away with thinspo :] i have my own collection on a flash drive :]]]

Omg my aunt came to see us. She moved to Puerto Rico for 4 years, and lost 143 pounds, and oh my god she looks so amazing I barely recognized her. Definiteyl just what I needed to see first thing in the morning. It's gonna keep me going today :]]]

stay strong lovelies :D


Thursday, July 30, 2009


Ok, so I've been really busy with real life this week, and I haven't had enough time to escape to blogger or to really anything non-food-related/ana-related/anything i wanted at the time...
And yes, I went over my limits for Tuesday. But like most of it was because we were watching movies and my mom practically shoved bread down my throat.. even after I made the most amazing sooy-milkshake ever :/// And then yesterday I was supposed to fast and I was doing really well, but I made the mistakeof going bowling with my bf and he was like you need to eat something and he kept trying to get me to eat french fries so I ate one and was like nyeh happy now? :// no, not quite happy now. I was good for the rest of the day, lots of water and coffee and diet mountain dew but then when I got home I don't even know what happened I had upwards of about 2000 calories in like 10 minutes... fucking cheerios.. ugh. I had 3 bowls... and then 15 oreos... and peanut butter... But then I stopped myself, and went to bed before I opened the other box of cereal.
And today my mom had to go have surgery. She's having all her girl-junk removed :/ So her hormones will finally be in check and she's gonna lose like 15 pounds the doctor told her... So she's probably gonna start dieting again which means good competition :D Even though it's weird because I'm totally already winning..
But like last night I didn't sleep worth shit b/c I guess maybe I was worried that perhaps let's say something goes wrong in the operation room and my mom never came home o.o
I would have to fight my brother's ass of a father for custody as soon as I turned 18. He's never even been around why would he even be able to get custody in the first place??? Because the good ole sunshine state of Florida doesn't have grandparent rights, that's why.
So my grandma would get custody of me for the next 3 months, and my brother would be shipped off to god only knows where.
I don't fucking think so. I'll die before I see that mother fucker even touch my brother ever again.
I don't think I've ever hated anyone, or anything as much as I truly madly deeply hate that sorry excuse for a man. Why do I hate him? I would really rather not get into that, maybe a different post, but he's horrible.
He's part of the reason my mom had to get her junk lasered off.
But she's home now, so I get to take care of her yay that means she won't be focusing on what I'm eating (or not eating).
*chugs 6th cup of coffee*
I'm hoping my bff wakes up soon so we can go exercise though. I have 15 oreos to work off.
Oh yeah, and I kind of sort of took a few laxatives. Definitely not anywhere near 15 like last time, but I still took them, which wasn't good, but because of how many I had been taking, the few that I did take aren't working fast enough and I really just want it to be out so I can move on ughhh
And the good news about my life right now is that I haven't eaten yet today, I won't get to see my bf for almost a week(no social eating hellz yeah), and I'm 158 so I'm still under 160 and I figured that as long as I stay under 160 I should be fine. And I still have over a week to lose 8 pounds, and probably 3 of those are water weight, and hopefully it will all be ok.
One day.
Stay strong ladies (and gents ;])

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

fail. :]]

That's me, a big huge chunk of failure.
Who is also weighing in at an amazing 157 this morning :]
But who is failing because of the not liquid that she consumed yesterday, but who is no longer mad at herself about it because she is almost at her next gw, and because she definitely did not binge yesterday despite eating a controllable amount of potatoe, and even oreos.
Yeah, I know they don't really do anything good for my body, but my mom went grocery shopping and I was like gah I just HAVE to have oreos, so I ate only 2 :]]] I don't think I've ever ate just 2 oreos in one day before.
Needless to say, I went over my 500 calorie limit yesterday, but only by like 200 calories, which is still really good considering I almost always eat either 200 or 20000...
But I'm in a big hurry today, just wanted to update and say thank you guys for all your comments :]]] I've decided about diet coke that I might can have 4 a week max. Plus, I would rather have coffee anyways :]
And I'm liquid-fasting today, then no calories tomorrow, then starting like a 400-600 calories a day thing (because I changed my mind about the 1 cup fruit/1 cup veggies thing idk why Ii just did). My mom is having surgery on Thursday. She's getting all her girly junk removed. Lucky. She's gonna lose like 20 pounds. But hey, then again, so am I ;] But this means I get to cook cuz she won't be able to move around much for at least a week.
omg before I forget my pictures are going to be next Friday at 3:30... August 7th... so I have 11 days to lose 7 pounds.
I can totally do this.
yay :]]
This might sound weird, but I love you guys! <333

Saturday, July 25, 2009

answers to comments and stuffs :]

first off, im in a big hurry.

second, answers to comments:
pokerface- i have an outfit that i have picked out for the first day of school... and its teeny, especially compared to what i used to look like, and i think you should totally buy that exact same outfit as the guy in the picture because its awesome motivation, and cuz when you do get teeny it will really easy to wear it and make it look awesome even though its simple :)))
sadhana- my highest was almost a us size 18. i know, i know. :P when i got down to 190 i was around a 14/16, and from 180-165 ish i was a size 12. i can wear the size 10s i have now, but one of them is made really small and the other is made really big, and i can barely fit into the size 8 but im almost positive that when i reach 150 ill be able to wear them no problem :) my ultimate goal is to be down to like size 4, hopefully by the time school ends next year. and yes, exercise helps like tremendously, and without it i think i would still be huge because honestly when i dont go to the track i sit around my house aaallll day long and like read or play sudoku or waste time on the computer :] im a lazybones too :]] hehe
thinforever- yes, my mom is kind of dumb sometimes lol. she noticed last year when i stopped eating though, but i didnt lose near as much weight as i have this year, and i never tried to hide it from her last year either, but this year like i figured it was just better to make her think i do eat alot instead of having her confront me about not eating or whatever.. and like when school is in, its sooo much easier because i usually take like a bagel or cereal with me and i tell her i eat on the bus or when i get to school, and i pack a lunch, and theres a bathroom that no one ever goes in in the mornings and when i get there i just trash all the food before anyone even sees em at school. yepyep :]

third, i just got back from the track, but i didnt do enough today, but im going to my friends house and were gonna ride bikes and walk around her neighborhood three times which should take like 2 hours ish and then tomorrow were riding bikes like all day because were both gonna fast tomorrow i so cannot wait
and if i dont post tomorrow its because im not at home or near a computer/dont have time etc
and i need help like, ok i was debating over if i should have a diet coke like i havent had anything soda related at all since like 2 months ago and i pretty much gave up sodas at the beginning of this year but like i dont want coffee or tea right now but i want that caffeine kick before i go volunteer but whenever i do drink sodas they make me all bloaty and gross like a puffer fish and i know its just water weight but im so scared that im gonna blow up like a balloon if i drink soda...
but if i have one before i go volunteer ill probably sweat most of it out anyways.. so i think i will.. lol my mind is running so fast right now omggggggg
:]]]] stay strong lovelies :]]]

high quality h2o :]

I want to be 150 so bad I can taste it. It tastes like nothing. No, it's more than nothing. It's a pure taste, like air, or high quality h2o :] I cannot wait to get there. The day my scale blesses me with that number, I will fall over laughing and screaming with joy and tears and it will probably be the happiest day of my life thus far.
I still haven't made my appointment for my senior pictures :// I really need to, that way I know exactly how many days I'm going to liquid fast for. I know I said untill next Wednesday, but honestly I wanna go for longer than that if I can, at least until my photos are fully complete. I have to look good for this. On the other hand, I'm glad I haven't made the appointment yet, because this gives me more time to lose as much as possible, and I have even more motivation to liquify my diet and exercise bunches and plus, I really need to do something with my hair. I've neglected it for way too long and it looks really shitty. My curls seem to have fallen :// I'm going to cut it like.. maybe tomorrow. Or Wednesday. One of my zero-calorie days.
I'm waiting for my friend to wake up so we can go exercise. We didn't go to the track yesterday :/ But when I woke up this morning I did 100 crunches, and a few other simple exercises like that to get me motivated for the day.
OMG! I have a story to tell!!!!!
Ok, so my mom wakes me up this morning, and she was really nice for some reason, and she made my coffee for me. She says "I watched how you made it yesterday, and I made it for you because I noticed you've been drinking alot of coffee every morning, and I figured if I did it for you then you would have time to eat breakfast too"... weird! So I made some oatmeal, a cup of coffee, and slipped into my bedroom. My mom smokes, so it was just a matter of maybe 10 minutes before she went outside for a smoke, and then I flushed the oatmeal, and left the bowl in the sink. And she totally bought it. Yay! And then, she was eating fig newtons (:P), which she knows are vegan, and she left one in the package and was like "Eat this before I do I don't need anymore" as if testing me or something.. (remember how I said we were always competing to see who could lose the most weight? HA!) So I took it, and threw it in the trash can in my room so she wouldn't know I didn't really eat it. I told her that fig newtons tasted really really good with my coffee :] I feel so good when I trick her like that. Like last night she asked what I ate for dinner and I said ramen noodles. When really all I had was this soup brothy stuff but there was a pot in the sink, so it looked like I really did eat ramen :]] yay! hehehe
I'm really giggly right now. I think I'm antsy because I'm really anxious to go workout. I'm gonna walk 2 laps, run stairs, run 2 laps, run stairs again, and walk two more laps. And I have to ride my bike all the way there and back. So if we leave at like 1 ish, I won't get back untill like 3:30 ish, and then I'll have to get ready to go volunteer at this animal rescue place.
Oh, before I forget, my friend and I (the same one who I exercise with that also has an
ED) went yesterday to the horse place for the volunteering thingy, and it seems like it's going to be really cool. All we did was like meet the animals, and we got to feed them. It was really fun :] And I looked up how many calories one burns in one hour of doing farm-work type stuff, and it's approximately 200 calories an hour, and we were there for like 2 hours yesterday! And with my soup, oj, and v8, I only even consumed like 300 max yesterday, so I'm really looking forward to getting on the scale on Monday, after my fast tomorrow.
I got on today, but it still says 160, so w/e. No gain is a good thing :]]
I hope everyone is doing well. You guys are so awesome. <333

Friday, July 24, 2009

soup :)

Yesterday went so much better than any of the days last week went.

I feel so much better. All I had was some orange juice, coffee, tea, soup, and lots of water. 250 calories max. Way under my limit of 500 :) go me!

I found this stuff called yogi tea, freakin amazing it tastes so gooooooooood. I got the Himalayan Apple Spice. Yummmm. It tastes like autumn-time, when the leaves get all orangey and like.. halloween comes. Idk. It was a good feeling. I love hot tea before bed. It's so relaxing :)

I'm a dork :]]

Anyways, so today I think my crazy friend and I are going to the track again (YAY) and then there's this lady at this horse place who wants to start a therapy system for mentally handicapped children like an equestrian therapy thing and she wants volunteers :] and I love horses :]] and my friend and I are going this afternoon at six ish. I'm excited. I might finally be able to do something all day instead of sit home and eat!

Except, I'm not really going to eat any real food untill next Thursday.

Oh and get this: for senior pictures, the last day in July to get them done is next Thursday. By then, if I keep exercising, hopefully I can fit into my cute new jeans that are a size 8! Yay!

Unless somehow I can talk my mom into letting me go in August, then I'll definitely be able to wear my jeans.

And, all my binge weight is off. I think it was mostly water weight, but who cares, because I'm back to 160 as of this morning.

Like magic :)

I'm so happy.

I've never been this small before


Good things are yet to come. Stay strong lovelies <333

Thursday, July 23, 2009


I am so so so so happy to be back. I feel really great today, and I'm going to the track with my friend, because she said she feels good to be back as well (we both hella binged last week, and she's back from her vacation now, so i got my buddy back yay!!) and Idk I just generally feel very inspired and uplifted today and I think this coffe is kicking in and I'm on top of the world and I conjured up a new plan!!
(liquids include water, tea, coffee, 100% juice, and soup that doesn't have large chunks of anything in it)
  • today, friday, and saturday: liquids only, 500 calories max
  • sunday: water/tea only, must meditate for 1/2 hour at least
  • monday, tuesday: liquids only, 400 calories max
  • no calorie wednesday (same as sunday)

that's my seven day fasting plan. I know I can do this :) After that I'm thinking of a new plan, somewhere along the lines of 2 cups of food per day, 1 of fruits and 1 of veggies, for 7 days, with the last 3 days including like a small bowl of oatmeal or a slice of toast.

**Must get to 150s must get to 150s must get to 150s**

And as far as exercise goes, I'm gonna try and get to the track as often as possible, like every spare minute I have will be devoted to running/walking/riding my bike. And if it rains or if I can't make it out there for some reason, I'm going to do either tae-bo or pilates (on vhs :]) and/or 30 minutes of calisthenics. And yop. That is beez tha plan, yo.

I feel so giggly :) I think my brother spiked my coffee :))) hehehe. This is my second cup. xD

I cannot wait for my stomach to rumble. I miss the feeling of hunger so much. It feels like there is a knot in my stomach, like i ate a bunch of rocks or something and they're just sitting in my stomach like no you won't feel hungry, never ever again. But I love feeling hungry, because then I know I'm doing it right. And especially because the last time I was hungry (about a week ago, pre-binge mode), I got on the scale and it said 159 and I screamed. Like literally, my mom came and was like wtf and I was like "Oh, just nothing" *insert huge cheesy grin here*.

I miss the feeling of severe anxiety around food. Like right before the first time I binged last week, I would purposely stay out of the kitchen so as not to see anything that would make me freak out, which was just about everything.

I also miss my room being spotless. And everything else being spotless. When I fast, or restrict, for long periods of time, my OCD gets really really severe, and I love the feelings of anxiety when my room is messy because it distracts me from eating because I feel like if there's dust on the window sill I HAVE to clean it before I do anything else. And idk I just feel cleaner when my OCD gets that bad. Like one day, I washed my hands 17 times. 17! Why did I need to wash my hands that much? Why did I count how many times I washed my hands??? I honestly don't know. But I like feeling like that. On the edge all the time. I think I burn more calories when I get like that because I get all jittery and stuff and I'm like hyper all the time. It's like... when I used to go see a shrink, they gave me Anafranil to help suppress my OCD symptoms, but I didn't like taking them because when I took them, I felt dead inside like something was missing, and when I would quit taking them I felt even more unclean than before I began the treatment and it was a really weird feeling and so I only took them for a little while before telling my shrink that they were not working and before she had a chance to prescribe something else, the insurance ran out and I quit seeing therapists.

Idk what I'm getting at. I just felt like rambling :)

I guess like.. they say that people who starve or restirct alot have symptoms of ocd, so maybe they run hand-in-hand... Idk but they both make me feel complete. Like I have a purpose. If I'm not aiming to better myself, then what am I for, right? And what better way to better yourself than to make yourself and your surroundings more clean? :)

Anywho... I hope everyone is doing ok on their diets/plans/fasts/whatever. You girls are so amazing in so many different ways. I'm so glad to be back to this. I feel at home again.

Ana's girls, I missed you. How are you?

Ana, I missed you. Thank you for forgiving me and coming back to whip me into shape :)

stay strong loves <333

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

thanks you guys

i feel so bad for not being on here but like twice in a week. there's really no excuse other than i've been shoving food down my throat for the past week and i feel disgusting.
im done with abc, i cant do it, i give it up.
its just not for me.
im going back to fasting for the rest of the week, and maybe by sunday i'll have my deal figured out.
all your comments made me cry, and i felt so bad for having been so weak these last few days, but i havent thought about eating for at least a few hours now and considering the past few days, that is definitely a good thing. you guys are so freaking awesome you know that??? ;)
i took laxatives the whole week, so i havent gained that much weight, but im really scared now because in this book im reading it lists all the horrible things that laxatives do to your body, so after today im not going to use them. i only have like 9 left anyways, so thats my reason for not ever bingeing ever ever again. even though theres no food in my house now, so i dont think i could really binge on anything other than salad and fruit..
so yup, this means im back, and hopefully stronger than before, and im going to be harder on myself about exercising, because no fitness regime is complete without appropriate exercise, and i haven't moved in almost two weeks.
and i have to get senior pictures done soon and im freaking out because i have to look really good because this picture will be the one that people remember me by for the rest of my life...
omg maybe i won't go get them done waaaaa
i look so horrible. my stomach is all poked out like im pregnant or something.
i took 15 laxatives today, which was stupid, because that means in a few more hours im going to die...
but at least that will be out of my system, and then i'll feel lighter and im going to drink a lot of water to make up for my not drinking enough water the past few days and then ill be back on track.
and hopefully back down to 160. by sunday. must must must get back down to there, asap.
i hate food hangovers. i feel so gross and sluggish :P
im going to go learn how to use a sewing machine now.
stay strong everyone. thank you so much for your comments <333

Monday, July 20, 2009


i hate myself
there goes 160

like four days of non-stop eating/laxatives/diet pills/fuck my life

there goes size 8
there goes abc...
i think ill just start over.
or maybe a new diet.
as soon as i finish off this box of pasta. and maybe another one. and maybe some cereal...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

you know something's up when...

...someone goes missing for a day or two. Whenever someone doesn't post regularly like they usually do, something had to have happened right?
My friend came back from her trip!!!!! But then we decided hey let's throw a party and eat a whole month's worth of food (probably totaling $30-$40) in like 3 hours!!!
Not fun. Especially not when, after three binges in one day, I decide that it's ok to take a total of 15 laxatives in one day....
Don't ever do it. Ever.
My stomach is a black hole. And that black hole leads to a fucking volcanoe.
And there has been an endless flow of fucking lava for the past 12 hours.
Do not ever take that many in one day fucking ever.
But anyways, I'm trying not to think about it, because today is a new day and after all the volcanic explosions I only gained like one pound maybe, so I'm still continuing ABC. 400 today, so far so good.
coffee, oatmeal, veggie burger stir fry.. yep.
I'm going to try and do less than 400 though, because if I still have an extra like 50 or 100 calories, I'm treating myself to hot chocolate, even though I don't deserve it after yesterday, but that was yesterday, and I can't change that, so I'm focusing on just today.
And today is a new day.
And tomorrow will be a new day.
And I will be 150 by August 24th. I fucking will.
Know why???
Because yesterday before mine and my friend's foodfest, I got new clothes. Some size 8 jeans. Fucking size 8. They are so cute. And they almost fit me perfectly, they're just too tight. And I wanna wear them the first day of school. So I can tell everyone that I'm a size 8. :)))
Actually, I also have a pair of size 9s that I would like to wear to orientation, because people will be there too... :DDDD
I'm excited.
I can't wait to be skinny.

Now I must catch up on everyone else's blogs!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

so i decided...

that today would be a great day for a liquid day, because I fasted yesterday and the scale didn't budge at all. I'm on day 9 of my ABC plan, and it's 200 calories, so it shouldn't be too hard, especially because I'm going off with my mom today to run errands, and she never stops for lunch ever, and I'll have like coffee, soup, and v8 juice for my "meals" and water for the rest of the day :) I'm excited. It's been way too long since I've done a liquid fast. I remember when I first started losing weight I went a whole 6 days without any solid food. I drank soymilk for breakfast (in front of my mom) and when I got home I would drink v8 juice or soup. And I could lose like 8 pounds in a week doing that. :/ I miss it. As soon as ABC is over, I'm jumping back on that plan.
But as of today and maybe even tomorrow, it's liquids only for me :D
stay strong my pretties <333

Sunday, July 12, 2009


blogger keeps messing up and im tired of reposting the same post this is try number three ughhh
and im frustrated now bc of it
but my weekend was good, my bf was really sweet and special ordered me something vegan from the caterers to his familys reunion :)
and i did great yesterday :))))
and im down to 159 now!!!
and thats all im going to say because if blogger messes up one more time im just not going to post today
how is everyone?

Friday, July 10, 2009

oh. my. god.

That speechless feeling? That I got after I re-measured everything?
It came back today at Walmart :)
I got on the scale in the middle of the aisle... with street clothes on, and my purse still on my shoulder...
it said...
FUCKING 165!!!
All the hard work finally paid off :DDD
However, the best part is, I talked my mom into buying the scale.
Cheap walmart scale, $7.88.
When I got home, I took every particle of anything that isn't naturally attached to a human body off of me, took a shower, dried off.. got on the scale...
and... it said...
FUCKING 160!!!
I'm so speechless.
I'm like..
oh my god. The lowest weight I have ever been since I don't even know when.
And so close to the 50s.
I have ten pounds to lose by september 1st. I can fucking do this :D

Ana, I love you, you're my hero <333

And I really do want to say thank you to everyone who reads my blog. You guys are truly amazing people, and the nicest people I have ever talked to in my life, and you make this process easier than it would be otherwise.



ok seriously why are there 10 calories in a calcium1200 tablet????
and why did i just drink 25 calories of fibersure in my tea without even knowing until i looked it up online ???
why do vitamins and supplements have calories omg this is so freakin dumb..
so much for a no-calorie fasting day...
at least its only like 35 calories.. which is burnt off simply by living and breathing and blinking and probabyl this post is burning it off...
but still.
oh well. i was already screwed from yesterday. and i'll be screwed from tomorrow. sunday will be a new start. back on abc, and hopefully no detours this time.

im off to walmart for more exlax and maybe some vitamins and akavar, because that stuff really works (supposively), and maybe a swimsuit because it doesnt look like im gonna be getting my cute one back.. i hope i can find one ://

i hope everyone is doing ok. sorry for blogging like 4 times today lol


omg i just flushed so much food down the toilet :////
i feel so bad.
but i dont care. i want to throw everything that IS vegan in the toilet and watch it swirl away.
because all that would be left would be stuff that takes forever to cook, and stuff that i cant eat b/c im vegan.
i do love being vegan :)
so the damage on our drains was:
5 slices of bread, 1 bagel, the other half of the box of triscuits, can of mandarin oranges, can of beans, some cereal, hot dog bun, and the rest of the blueberries we had. i think im going to flush the grapes too, but then... idk gtg moms home byezzzzz
stay strong lovelies <333

just realized...

neck: 14"
bust: 42"
just under bust: 35"
waist: 32"
hips: 41"
butt: 45"
thighs: l= 25" r=25"
calves: l= 16" r=16"
upper arms: l=13" r= 13"
forearm: l= 9.5" r= 9.5"
total inches: 336 inches of me, on June 15th, 2009

neck: 13.5"
bust: 40"
just under bust: 34"
waist: 31"
hips: 40"
butt: 40"
thighs: l= 23" r= 23"
calves: l= 15" r= 15"
upper arms: l= 12" r= 12"
forearms: l= 9.5" r= 9.5"
total inches: 317.5 inches of me, today, just now...

oh my god.
ive lost 18.5 inches. off of my body. MY body.
even after my binge yesterday. even after all my other binges since that monday.
thats like.... wow.
i want to cry right now.
i am so speechless. i am so in shock.

bloggering mood

So I'm in this mood where I really want to just type a lot... Idk but I can't do it now, I've planned a 3-hour workout for today, and I'm all hyped up on coffee so I better take advantage of this energy while I still can. I'm not eating today. And I'm going to do an hour each of tae-bo, pilates, and step aerobics, and if I can make it to the track sometime this afternoon, I'm definitely going to go. I also want to do as many crunches as I can before tomorrow, so I'm setting my goal at 500. I should burn about 2000 calories today, on just coffee and mindpower alone, and that's not even including the amount that my body burns in a day. On average, according to, my body burns 1977 calories in a day, if I do absolutely nothing. I think that this is bull shit, because I know that if I ate 2000 calories everyday, and layed on my fat lazy ass, I would be an even fatter, lazier ass........... But that's science for you: irrational. Just like animal testing..
Getting off topic lalalalala... lol ok I'm going to stop being my fat lazy self and go exercise, but I have a lot of things on my mind, sparked by a new book I'm reading "The Hungry Years". But I'll talk about it later I really need to go exercise before the desire escapes me.


I definitely went over my limit yesterday. And even though I said I was going to bed, I actually turned off the computer, put all the rest of the brownies in a huge bowl, covered it with milk and peanut butter, and ate like half of it before I felt sick from all the sweetness...
So then I drank a huge bottle of water, and told myself that I fucked up big time, but it's ok because tomorrow I'll fast. And then I ate like half a box of triscuits. They really are my weakness :/ But at least I didn't eat a whole box like I normally do.
Geez, my stomach is a black hole.
Then I took the rest of my laxatives, which was only four, and because I've been taking them in large doses when I do take them, it hasn't kicked in yet ://///
But today, I'm staying busy. After my brother eats breakfast we're watching movies all day, bt I'm bringing along my hand weights, and I'm definitely going to do Tae-BO later on, and some more stuff, and I'm basically going to stay moving all day on just water and coffee (with splenda)
I hate the feeling after a binge. Like... my stomach feels like when you poke a water balloon, all hard and bloated and gross... But after today it should wear off at least a little, and I'm hoping that these laxatives will kick in (I'll go buy some more later) and by tomorrow I will at least feel better. At least enough to wear shorts to the family reunion.
And I told myself if I did a whole week of ABC I would do something good for myself like cut my hair or dye it a cool color or paint my nails weird or something...
IDK anymore.
I don't think the ABC is right for me. But I'm going to start again next week where I left off, and no matter what, I will finish this. Even if I have fuck-up days. I'm going to finish this because nobody ever finishes ABC, and mine won't be perfect, but I'll get as close as I can to sticking to it.
And I'm also thinking like the week before my senior pictures I'm going to do all of my ABC calories as liquid calories. Like a liquid fast ABC. Just the week before. And the week before school starts. So I can lose the extra pounds before school starts :D
I can do this.
We can all do it.
Everyone makes mistakes.
I'm not perfect because I'm human and humans make mistakes.
All humans make mistakes, so nobody is perfect, no matter how beautiful they are.
I'm sure Lindsay Lohan has binged a few times in her life.
But she always recovers.
And so will I.
And so will everyone else.
It's ok.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


I fucking told myself: if I only eat half of the veggie burger, then I can treat myself to a small bite of the vegan brownies I made and call it a day.
Simple, right?
i ate the whole goddamn veggie burger, with lettuce tomatoe mustard...
then went back for fuckign triscuits, and its so hard to deny myself even one bite of brownies...
and mom wants to watch a movie and thats always a biggggggg trigger cuz i love eating junk food while watching a movie omgomgomgomg
i definitely went over 300. but not really by a whole lot. maybe im at like 350 ish? or 400 ish?
and if i go back for brownie it will shoot up to at least 500...
which is still ok ish..
and i worked out a little today..
and i could just water fast tomorrow...
or i could skip the brownie and do more exercise and water fast tomorrow to make up for saturday...
this is so fucking stupid i couldn't even go a whole mother fucking week on abc fuck my life.
its ok, im ok, i havent eaten the brownie yet, there's still some hope.
i can do this.
i can do this.
i have to do this.
im too fat not to do this.
im going to bed.

for when it's raining...
love. love. love.
thank god for youtube.

Finally getting somewhere

My jeans were like falling off of me yesterday, and I had to make my belt smaller AGAIN!
I'm really nervous about saturday.. I'm scared to eat in front of him...and his family... omgomgomg
I'm going to switch the calories for friday and saturday, so I can alot 400 on saturday and try not to feel too bad.. And I'm going to do the 100 on friday- liquids only.
Just in case.
And even if I go a little over 400 on saturday, I'm fasting on sunday, so I think I should be ok.
As long as I don't lose control.
Which I won't. I can't. There's no way. I almost finished my first week of ABC, and so it's too late to lose control now. I can do this. I'm going to be so hot by the time school starts. All of my fat friends are gonna be like damn where did Heather go? And I'll say oh, it's just your basic exercise and proper diet :)
I feel so damn good.
Must have more coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah, if anyone is following , she's doing ABC with me. With the fasting on sundays and wednesdays too. She went on a mega-awesome road trip with her mom and sister and is doing remarkably well. I miss her so much I can't wait to see her when she gets back.
I miss my workout buddy :(
Yay for coffee!
Stay strong lovelies!!!!! <333

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I Feel Good *dunna dunna dunna dun*

I knew that I would *dunna dunna dunna dun*
Sorry, umm.. lol There's cheesy uplifting music coming from my mom's room, I think she's having a bad day :/
But I'm not! My two 500 calorie days almost couldn't have been more perfect :) And I ate like sooo much yesterday too, and still stayed under my limit. Pretty cool. And I'm fasting today, for no-cal wednesday. And I really want to switch day 6 and day seven, because of my boyfriend's family reunion... I know there's almost no way I can go without eating all day long, since he's picking me up around like 8 in the morning, and I won't be home until at least after 10 pm... :// I almost want to cry just thinking about it. But then, I kind of had this idea, where if I switch days 6 and seven, letting me eat 400 calories on saturday instead of 100, then maybe it would be ok? And I also thought about fasting Friday and adding the extra 100 calories of that day to saturday, so that I'm allowed 500 calories on saturday, but I'm not sure. Part of me wants to not even include Saturday in my ABC, and just continue on Sunday with my water fast and pick up where I left off on Monday.
I think that one would give me less headache.
But I feel so good for sticking to this. I think this is the plan that might actually work. I cannot wait to get to Walmart, and get on the scale there lol I hate being so broke. Broke as a friggin joke. Lol.
But I'm in a good mood today :) And I feel like a fish, cuz I've been drinking water non-stop for three days lol
Omg but I haven't been able to go exercise or do like anything at all because of the rain so I'm kind of upset about that :'( But yesterday my brother and my friend that spent he night and I danced in the rain. It was actually like a lot of fun.
Except she asked to wear one of my swimsuits, cuz I have a lot ofthem, so I said yeah sure ok. Normally, she's a lot smaller than me, but now we're the same size, except the swimsuit she asked to wear was my new one and she like had it on before I could even say no and I mean don't get me wrong, we're the same size but her ass is definitely twice the size of mine, and I just know she stretched out my brand new bathing suit, the one I was saving specifically for Saturday. I'm so pissed. I know that sounds mean or whatever like bitch done went and stretched out my bikini but damn she didn't have to be so rude like that and then like.. now I have to wear my old bikini which is almost too big to even wear ugh.
She was a very boring hostee too. She got here, ate all my food, watched all my movies, hogged the blanket, and then slept aaaaalllllll day long yesterday in my bed, except to get up and say "Heather can I get some food?"
Yeah bitch. Eat it all. Get fucking fat and stretch out my favorite bikini and sleep in my bed all fucking day and be the boringest person I've ever met. Like seriously ever since high school when she got new friends she acts just like them: petty, stuck up, selfish, and lazy. Ugh. She's one of those girls who are like really annoyingly girly and complains about everything. She used to not be that way. It's like she's hiding her true self. I miss her. She was a tomboy, not afraid to say she was bisexual, and didn't talk in that annoying dumb-girl voice.
Anyways sorry about the rant, I had to let that out.
I'm definitely going to do like some kick-ass exercise in my room today. Crunches, squats, wieghtlifting, the works. Gotta lose weight by Saturday. I mean, his WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY is going to be there. I want to make him feel special by looking my best.
Shit I don't even know what to wear. Like no clue. Shorts and a cute shirt? Jeans and a band shirt? mini-skirt with black leather boots? jk.. anyone got ideas?
omg my best friend si coming home from her trip I'm so excited yay I get my ana buddy back!!!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

fuck this show
Everyone knows Allison was supposed to win. She is so fucking gorgeous.
I want to look like her.


Omg last night was so great! I ate half of my tv dinner (Amy's Tamale Verde, 100 % Vegan ;D) right in front of my bf and my friend, and my friend was like "Ooooh I wanna try!!" And she ate like 1/4 of it, and I told myself I would only eat half of it, but because she ate some, it was more like 40%!!!!!!!
Yaaaaaaayyyyyy for having fat friends who love food!!
So my total for yesterday was 486 calories!
And thank god today is a 500 calorie day, but thanks even more that my friend isn't awake yet. I can eat my oats in my soymilk and not feel weird :) Because I really have developed this really weird way of eaating like insanely small bites and idk I think it just looks weird when I eat because I eat so little and I try to make every bite count so it takes me a loooooong time to eat... Then I can always just be like oh I already ate, but I'll cook you something :) I love that line. It works on my mom all the time. It kinda side-tracks her from what I didn't eat to what she possibly could eat :))
I really hope nobody suspects anything. Because as far as I can tell, they're all pretty damn clueless :)
Even though when my friend got to my house she was like who the fuck are you and where's the other half of Heatehr?!!?!?!?!
I smiled the biggest smile I've ever smiled in my life. I couldn't help it. Yes, I have reached a plateau, but I've lost 50 pounds, and I'm at the lowest weight/size of my life, and I feel so much better about myself than I ever have.
There's a long way to go, but I've come so far, but knowing that I've made it this much is my thinspiration for the day <333

Monday, July 6, 2009

i love you guys :')

I love feeling like I finally found a group of girls, of all ages, body types, backgrounds, etc, that are nice and not all judgemental and stuff. You guys are awesome, and keep me strong.
Today's realy great so far. I'm surprised by how much I can actually eat and stay under 500 calories.
b- oatmeal w/ soymilk and like 5 blueberries (163)
l- veggie burger w/ lots of mustard and lettuce/tomatoe (160)
snack (hehe)- steamed broccoli and carrots (23 calories)
And hopefully I'm having half of this tv dinner thing.. but I have a friend coming over, so I may not eat at all depending on how much she remembers my eating habits... I haven't really hung out with her in a while. I just won't mention food, and maybe she won't either :D
Unless she notices that I've lost weight and is all like freaked out because I'm not the fat girl anymore... even though I am, but I'm not quite as large as I was last time she saw me... hmm...
Hopefully she won't get here untill after my family eats and then I can just be like oh I'll cook you something if you're hungry but I already ate ;D
Man but I didn't go to the track AGAIN today because it rained :((((
Stupid stupid rain :((
Oh well :D My mom said she would come with me tomorrow! I think I'm finally rubbing off on my family!!!
Wait that could be a bad thing...
lol idk
stay strong girls! <333

so far so good :)

My yesterday went ok-ish, even though I practically didn't move all day. I just had like no energy. I read some of this really good book called "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters". It's really good, but sometimes the author says things that make me want to punch her. Like she totally bashes ED, trying to convince people that being skinny isn't attractive... hahaha. As if.
It's a good read though, a lot of what she says makes me wonder about other people's ED, like about their family issues or boy issues or girl issues.. And there's a whole chapter on how the dad plays into the situation instead of the mom..
I never had a dad. He told my mom to her face the day after I was born (after the blood test) that she was a whore, and that I definitely was not his daughter. So naturally, when the results said that he definitely IS my father, he ran. I have only met him once in my life, when I was 11 in 6th grade, and even though I was at his house all day long the only thing he said to me was "Hey". Fucking asshole. But yeah the author kept going on and on about how the Dad usually plays this big part in why a girl gets an eating disorder, or why she gets low self esteem and stuff and the whole time I'm thinking yeah but what happens if the Dad never WAS there??
But then the chapter about moms pretty much explained that. My mom tries to be superwoman. And as far as I can tell, she's doing a DAMN good job at it. Single mother, two kids, living in a house the state pays rent for, living off of food stamps, with absolutely no health insurance for her or her kids even though my mom has had cancer before and won the battle and even though my brother is always getting some kind of illness... Yeah, she's my mother, so I have to hate her sometimes for being a bitch. But when I stop and think of how much she does for me, and for how hard she tries to take on the world and be supermom, it just makes me want to cry. Adn I know that she does the best she can, and yeah she makes me feel like crap sometimes about myself because she says things like "you shouldn't wear that it makes you look bigger" or when she's trying to compete with me over stupid things, but just her act of trying to be perfect, and keep a few odd jobs for pocket money and fighting for child support money to help raise my brother and I and all the things she does just so we can stay alive, while still showing a smile to the world, telling them hey I can handle this, we're doin alright..
IDK where I was going with that. I think that seeing my mother hide her troubles all these years has led me to do the same. But I would much rather do that than throw things in people's faces.. You know the girls I'm talkign about
"Look at me I'm so sick I have an ED and you should all feel sorry for me nyeh nyeh nyeh.."
Lol. Idk. I just felt like venting I guess.
Anyways, today is going good, so far I had some oatmeal with some soy milk and a few blueberries (150 cals) and some coffee. And I found the most amazing thing ever: Splenda with fiber. And Splenda flavors for coffee. OMG. No, like seriously OH EHM GEEEE! Amazing. Purely amazing.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

wtf man

i just looked at my progress charty thingy on the side thing and wtf i got to 170 in may.. fucking MAY dammit when am i gonna get to 160 i fucking will get there if its the last thing i do.
hopefully it wont be the last thing i do, cuz that would suck big time, but ugh geez man ive been doing this since december and im still not halfway there yet i was planning on being 150 on the first day back at school i mother fucking WILL be 150 on august 24th.
No matter what.
Nothing is gonna stop me.
sorry, im feeling very erratic right now.. thre days on a "normal" caloric intake has totally screwed my brain, and now im water fasting oh boy.. so my mind and body are shot to hell now..
oh well :D
i love being hyper on emptiness :DDDDD
im gonna go read now byez <333


Normally, I hate systems, and structures, and anything with rules. But I think maybe if I force myself to abide by a few, good things will come. I'm starting the ABC diet, with a few of my own quirks to it. Instead of fasting every ten days, I'm going to stick with fasting on Wednesdays and Sundays, and that means today is day 1 for me. Water only. Nothing more, nothing less.
I so need this. After three days straight of over 2000 calories, I really would love to fast for 5 days, but that will just lead to another binge, so if I stick to this, hopefully I can conquer my binge-fests. Hopefully, I can conquer my weight.
I can do this. If I can water fast for 3 days straight, and then juice fast for three days directly after that, then this will be easy.
Here's my plan:
1: Fast
2: 500 calories
3: 500 calories
4: Fast
5:300 calories
6: 400 calories
7: 100 calories (bf's family reunion..god help me..)
8: Fast
9: 200 calories
10: 300 calories
11: Fast
12: 400 calories
13: 500 calories
14: 150 calories
16: 200 calories
17: 400 calories
19: 350 calories
20: 250 calories
21: 200 calories
22: fast
23: 200 calories
24: 100 calories
25: fast
26: 300 calories
27: 250 calories
28: 200 calories
29: Fast
30: 150 calories
31: 100 calories
32: Fast
33: 50 calories
34: 100 calories
35: 200 calories
36: Fast
37: 200 calories
38: 300 calories
40: 800 calories
41: 250 calories
42: 350 calories
43: Fast
44: 450 calories
45: 500 calories
47: 450 calories
48: 400 calories
49: 350 calories
50: Fast
51: 300 calories
52: 250 calories
53: Fast
54: 200 calories
55: 200 calories
56: 250 calories
57: Fast
58: 200 calories
59: 300 calories
60: Fast

In my thinspo journal, I even made a cute little calendar, so I can cross off days :) And at the end of every week, there's an extra box for me to record my weight and jeans size. Hopefully I can get a scale, so my results will be more accurate. I'm also going to be taking pictures today, but I'm not posting them untill I am at least 150 pounds and can show off some kind of progress.
Good luck to all of you who are also doing abc. We can do this!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

maybe i dont like the daily plate

Reality sucks. Now that I see everything like ll laid ot in fron of me...
I hate Fruity Pebbles, and Frosted Flakes, and I'm never letting my mom buy them ever again. This was her waking me up this morning: "Heather, why are there two empty cereal boxes in the trash?"
me: "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............................idk"
Shit. And without even thinking about it, I ate two whole boxes of cereal. Damnit.
I didn't even get to the track yesterday :/ And even though it's the 4th of July, I'm going today dammit. Right now. As soon as I'm done with these fucking pancakes. Ughhhh. So much for 400 calories today. At least I know that exercising will make me feel better, and it will make me not likely to binge this afternoon when I go to my bf's family cookout thingy.
Oh yeah, one more thing: I'm sooooooooo glad my mom doesn't buy Oreo's. I bought them myself yesterday, and they were gone in like 10 minutes, only because I ate them with peanut butter.
Fml. Fml. Fml.
I hope you girls are having wonderful fourths of julys.
stay strong. <33

Friday, July 3, 2009

<3 my three months

My three months was really great. I didn't eat as much as I thought I was going to, at first, and even though I ate two plates of spaghetti, and twice as many cookies as I planned, and yes, I lost control, it's ok. I'm ok.
Wait, I'm ok now, but after my bf left my house last night, I freaked, and ate a whole tablespoon of peanut butter. Even on a normal day I only use half a tablespoon. And then I remembered how I ate way too much, and I took some laxatives. And I felt bad about taking them, but when I woke up this mornign at six with the worst stomach ache ever, I knew it would be ok. But the truth is, that's not ok. I honestly cannot wait untill I run out of laxatives, bacause that means I can't use them anymore, which means no more bingeing. I hate using them, but it feels so much better having at least half of all that gross food out of me.
So now, I'm waiting. For the other like half-ish, and for my brother to leave. I'm supposed to be babysitting (well like 9-year old sitting, he's no way a baby anymore), but he's leaving around noon to go to the movies with his friends. And guess what that means?! I don't have too *really* cook lunch. I'm going to the track to kill myself. I'm beast-mode-ing my workout today.
However, I do hve a really good success story. I'm trying really hard to break the binge/fast/binge/fast/etc cycle, so I decided that this morning I would have breakfast. I made pancakes for me and my brother, and he actually liked it, and then we had smoothies. I'm guessing around like 500 total, definitely no more than that. Which is good for today I guess. Hopefully I can get away with a salad for dinner, and then maybe lower my intake to 400 calories tomorrow. Then I'm definitely fasting on Sunday. If I tell my mom it's for religious purposes, and that I'm trying to find my inner self, it will be easy. Alls I gots ta do is say that, and ride my bike to "the park" (the track to workout), and say I'm meditating or something. Works everytime.
I wish I looked like the girl in that picture. Her hair is so awesome. And she's really cute. That's a future picture of myself :D I hope...... ://
So... this post had like no direction at all lol I just re-read it it's very random. But oh well. People read it, so it must be somewhat decent I guess.
Now I'm off to mydailyplate so I can get a reality check on just how much I ate last night.....
*dun dun dun*

Thursday, July 2, 2009


my legs and arms and especially my feet get numb really easily when i dont eat "normal"
it tingles :)))


should i eat a humongous bowl of lettuce/celery with mustard first? like, maybe if im too full from lettuce i wont eat as much? and lettuce has not that many calories??
im just upset at myself because i let myself eat 4 grapes today and a cup of soymilk and a cup of orange juice and thats like almost 200 calories i wanna cry.
*deep breath*
ok, you know what? yeah, this to me will count as a binge, and how have i handled my binges before? they eventually go away, most of it will be water weight mainly because ive been drinking water constantly today and i did an hour of calisthenics and if i limit myself to *crosses fingers* less than 1000 calories tonight it will be fine just give it a few days and ill water fast on sunday and then next wednesday as well and then it will be ok right?
even though my last binge was incredibly horrible, i still think i lost the weight from it.
even though there's no way to eb sure, since i dont have a scale.
fuck i need a scale. im tempted to hold up walmart and demand one.
haha. that would be funny.
omg. i hate panicking.
but he's so sweet though he's going to bring his laptop and record me playing my guitar just a few songs, and he wants to make me a cd <333 god i think i really do love him. like i literally was thinking about this situation today, and i love him so much, that i would eat any amount of food to keep this a secret from him, no matter how much weight i gained from it. i would hate myself so much if he found out. see, he has a lot of mental issues, and he takes meds for them, and i know he would maybe understand, because isn't anorexia a physical, emotional and mental condition? but then, i would hate for him to find out and be like i cant be with you cuz your crazy and too obsessed with food and calories and shit... i kind of wish i could make him vegan :/ thats the only thing that gets in the way of things. like where to eat dinner etc..
i feel better. sorry for the rant. sorry its not punctuated right, im trying to hurry before my mom gets home. she yells at me about running up the light bill from being online constantly:) i cant help it. im addicted to you guys :))

omg i dont know what happened

like all of a sudden all the blogs ive been following are gone waaaaaaaaaa now i have nothing to do..
i know i have no life ok geez... :(((
this sucks.
now i get to go find people all over again :/


So yesterday went very well. Yay for water-fast Wednesdays! And I did go to the track, but I only ended up biking for 40 minutes, and walking for 40 minutes. Which is still good, considering the no-calories. Then when I got home I baked vegan cookies, but didn't eat them, because I'm saving them for later today. I cleaned out my mom's car, and then I did a whole hour of crunches, lunges, squats, pushups, and lifting weights. That should have put me at a hefty deficit for later today. -1712 calories, to be exact. Which is good, but not enough, because I drank some soymilk this morning to keep me from falling over because I was reeeeeally dizzy. I think I'm going to go do at least half of what I did last night, and ride the stationary bike for as long as I can stand it. I have to burn more calories before later today.
What exactly is later today? Well, today is my three months with my boyfriend, and I think in an earlier blog I mentioned that I have this elaborate plan to surprise him with a picnic tonight at the lake :) However, only until yesterday did I even realize how many calories I would be consuming... The meal ticket includes salad for starts, steamed veggies, garlic bread, spaghetti, and vegan cookies. And this really yummy strawberry diaquiri flavored SoBe drink. I totaled this up last night, and if I ate on serving of everything, that would be like 1000 calories or more. Totally UNacceptable. That's crazy. I cannot do that to myself, because I know it would lead to a binge. So, I'm thinking that if I only make a little bit of the pasta, and give him most of it, it should save me. And I was thinking, he doesn't even eat salad, or the veggies I was planning on making, so why bother with those?? But if I do make them, then I'll eat those first and be too full to eat a lot of pasta/bread/cookies. And maybe I'll just take water, because he actually does drink a lot of water, so that could work maybe. I really am not looking forward to the eating part of my plan. However, if mother nature decides to leave me the fuck alone, I will be able to burn off some of those calories :))) And then I'll do the other half of my exercises that I did last night tonight to burn off some more calories, and hopefully I will be able to keep myself sane. It crossed my mind, why not just take like 4 laxatives when I get home? I might do that too... depending on how much I eat tonight. I was going to try to not eat anything until tonight, but if I eat a little today I may not be as hungry tonight?
Help. What should I do?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

good morning :)

Omg thanks or all the comments :DDD They keep me goin strong. Even though I feel really weak today for some reason. Like when I woke up, I stood up and felt really dizzy.
That means I'm getting somewhere at least :)
Except I'm going back to the track today, but definitely not like I did yesterday, even though I felt amazing when I got home. No I think I'll do my usual routine of two hours instead of my hardcore threehours :)
But all in all, I'm feeling really good. I just got done looking at some really great thinspo on friendlythinspo at It kept me from eating all morning. I love how I'm miraculously able to stick to my water-fast wednesdays. It keeps me going. Even if I binge like crazy all weekend, I always manage to pick myself up on my no-cal wednesday.
And guess what?! Last night, while I was drifting off to sleep, I ran my hands over my tummy, and I can actually feel my hip bones starting to show. Like, I've always known they were there, but this time it was like... wow. Idk. Maybe one day I will be able to see them as well :)
My mom just left, and that means I'm free to exercise as I please. I love my routine. Bike to track, walk, stairs, run, stairs, walk, bike home. If you cut it directly in half, it's even on both sides :) I like even-ness. Today, I'm only going to walk one mile, and only run one lap, but I'm still gonna do the stairs twice, because I like feeling the burn in my leg muscles. Then tonight, I'm going to do crunches untill my stomach goes numb, because if it's numb, then it's not hungry :)
Stay strong girls, and thanks sooooo much for all your support.
Thinness is so much better when you know your not alone.