debate.

should i eat a humongous bowl of lettuce/celery with mustard first? like, maybe if im too full from lettuce i wont eat as much? and lettuce has not that many calories??
im just upset at myself because i let myself eat 4 grapes today and a cup of soymilk and a cup of orange juice and thats like almost 200 calories i wanna cry.
*deep breath*
ok, you know what? yeah, this to me will count as a binge, and how have i handled my binges before? they eventually go away, most of it will be water weight mainly because ive been drinking water constantly today and i did an hour of calisthenics and if i limit myself to *crosses fingers* less than 1000 calories tonight it will be fine just give it a few days and ill water fast on sunday and then next wednesday as well and then it will be ok right?
even though my last binge was incredibly horrible, i still think i lost the weight from it.
even though there's no way to eb sure, since i dont have a scale.
fuck i need a scale. im tempted to hold up walmart and demand one.
haha. that would be funny.
omg. i hate panicking.
but he's so sweet though he's going to bring his laptop and record me playing my guitar just a few songs, and he wants to make me a cd <333 god i think i really do love him. like i literally was thinking about this situation today, and i love him so much, that i would eat any amount of food to keep this a secret from him, no matter how much weight i gained from it. i would hate myself so much if he found out. see, he has a lot of mental issues, and he takes meds for them, and i know he would maybe understand, because isn't anorexia a physical, emotional and mental condition? but then, i would hate for him to find out and be like i cant be with you cuz your crazy and too obsessed with food and calories and shit... i kind of wish i could make him vegan :/ thats the only thing that gets in the way of things. like where to eat dinner etc..
i feel better. sorry for the rant. sorry its not punctuated right, im trying to hurry before my mom gets home. she yells at me about running up the light bill from being online constantly:) i cant help it. im addicted to you guys :))
<3