Monday, November 30, 2009

thanks for the lovely comment,

but i think i'll just ignore it and move on with life. except for to say that if your taking the time to tell me how insecure i am, probably means you have insecurities yourself, eh?
but then, who in today's world doesn't have insecurities, unless your amazingly gorgeous and famous or something.
but then, even meagan fox has insecurities, which leads me to believe that yes, everyone is insecure about something.
so i won't judge you, even though you're taking the time to judge me.

bitch :p

yes, diet mt dew is sex for my taste buds... like oral sex??? hahahahaha

veggies and hummus- 100 calories

excellent so far! off to watch the tyra show :]

day 4 (400)

plan: survive on diet mt dew until dinner, then have a can of green beans maybe if i'm good if i deserve it but probably not, so just some soup or something.

didn't go to school today, fixing to go grocery shopping w/ mom (gag, literally), and then exercise all day, including mowing the lawn.

hope everyone's abc's are easy as 123's :]

Sunday, November 29, 2009


got one:

idk why though, ill probably just copy/paste entries from here to there... lol
mostly cuz xanga girls have amazing thinspo, something i'm in desperate need of if i'm going to finish abc.

and i AM going to finish abc.
no matter what.

nighty nighty lovelies <33


my computer is being stupid, but i really super want to tell you this in response to the comment and your latest post. lol.

"i hate how that logic makes perfect sense.
like, if im ugly then at least i can try to not be fat. because if im not fat, then i can say that im doing better than a lot of people out there, even if my face does look fucked up.
sometimes i get scared that maybe im just ugly too.
but it would be better to be skinny and ugly than fat and ugly i guess...
even though if i were skinny then there is a huge possibility i would still be depressed and fail at life and hate everything.....
but its worth a try??

idk sorry for rambling i just really like this post it made me feel not so alone :]"



will be exercising until she dies for the rest of the day.
and the oreos.

but no, im not counting this as fail, there are no failures.
i'll start over right now and work to make today a better day.

i dont want to be sad anymore, so im going to focus on fixing things instead of worrying about them.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

day 1 (500)

yesterday was amazing.

diet mt dew (x3) - 0
tea - 0
cereal w/ soymilk - 150
green beans - 70
popcorn - 200
sip of mexican liwour :] - rounds up to 500

exercise burned 1000 cals, rmr= 1600
total for yesterday: -2100 calories
weight today: 151!
yay :]

goals for today:
drink at least 4 water bottles
install new hard drive on computer
clean floors in house
finish abc calendar
exercises as usual tonight

Thursday, November 26, 2009


starts tomorrow, many of us are doing it, you should too :{D
the more, the merrier. the more people involved, the more support we will all have, the more pounds we will all lose.
there's even a forum:
oh yeah, today i weighed 152 :] im getting there again :]

except, thanksgiving was a fail, but i worked my ass off last night, and plan on doing the same tonight, and hopefully didnt gain weight from today, plus i took some laxatives, so all should be well :]]

i am so excited to do abc again.
i will do it, the whole thing, not just the first week.

we will all do this, and at the finish line, we will hold hands and take a skinny bow, and the world will see us for the beautiful goddesses we all are.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


to green beans and diet mountain dew.

ive probably posted this before

but i thought it was kind of inspirational, since i have come so far.
still not good enough.
must work harder.
my story:

mucho exercise-o!

i need to move.
i don't even remember how it felt when i used to exercise constantly.
i just remember feeling better, more confident, if thats possible, since i have no confidence like ever...
anyways, prettywreck has inspired me, and now i will lay down the laws:
1. I will perform at least 1 hour of some form of exercise every single night until December 1st.
2. The exercises will be mostly toning exercises, including 200 crunches, and weight lifting.
3. Within this hour, I will burn at least 200 calories on the exercise bike, and try to do this in less time than the previous night.
4. Should I do less than 1 hour, or skip a night, I must fast the next day no matter what and make up this lost time the next night.
5. I must do 100 crunches and 100 squats as soon as I wake up every morning until December 1st.
I have to start exercising. It will make me feel better, I will lose weight, and I will be well on my way to becoming more toned. If I complete this regime until dec. 1, I will continue on until Christmas.
hopefully i will be out of the 150s finally, and maybe reach my goal of gettign to 140 by the end of the year :]
yay for determination!


i have no intestines.
yup. they are gone.

i feel today like... blah, but in a good way?
im having a pretty good day i guess, just lazy and empty and bored
but i did really well yesterday, and today is going excellent :)

omg i just randomly got the hiccups

not really anything to update really...

except turkey day tomorrow! thank god im vegan, and i might not even be going with my family this year, because it would cause too much drama and because i will have to eat and because i get no cell phone signal out there in the boonies with the hicks...

yeah, definitely staying home.
to exercise all day :)
if im good i'll let myself eat tomorrow, but only if my fast today goes ok and if i feel in control enough to not binge.
and even then, i'll keep it under 500 calories max.

i just realized, that i have not brushed my teeth today yet, and i have horrible dragon breath, so im going to go brush my teeth and floss and obsess over making sure every surface inside of my mouth is totally clean :)
then i'm going to go work on my thinspo book :)

weight today: 153
goal by end of year: 140

let's go :D

Friday, November 20, 2009

yay day

skipped school again, but walked around alot with my bestie at the town center, and the beach, and target, and we even got to look at apartments and talk about how little food were gonna buy when we get one :]]]]

and, my mom doesnt know i skipped.
and, we didnt really eat alot.

we split a luna bar and then for lunch we both got burritos :]

except when i got home i ate a little, but not a binge :]

food: 800 ish calories
burned: ~1500 calolries (rmr)

now, off to exercise! then to watch tv!

i hope everyone else had an amazing day

Thursday, November 19, 2009

d'aaawwwww :D (plus survey)

you guysssss!!!!!
i love getting you guyses comments :DDDD
they made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :]]]

funny story:
last night my best freind and i binged like mad, and she threw up in my sink, and it got clogged.
we tried digging the vomit out with spoons, and poking it through with a skewer, but nothing worked.
it was so disgusting omg
and it took us three hours to realize, oh hey maybe we should try the plunger...
and it worked like magic.
best invention ever :]

another story:
tonight was the last slow pitch softball game i will ever play in high school.
i do not want to graduate.
but at least we won :D 12 to 8 oh yeahhh
and i got 4 hits :]
and the pictures my mom took turned out really great
i actually looked almost normal sized instead of the fat tub of lardy fatness :]

will update more later, busy with homework and stuff.. yah.

oh, my friend and i are gonna renew our eating contract :]
hopefully it will begin again on december 1st, and then maybe we will fine-tune it for the new year :]

and even though i did eat today, at least it was veggies, and 4 bites of an apple, and i feel pretty ok :]

omg and also walmart sells akavar for $10 now yaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
****************************surveyyy :D************************************
Size: 9 (US)
Age: 18
Highest Weight: 215lbs
Lowest Weight: 149lbs
Goal Weight: 111lbs
Favorite Diet Food?Diet coke, soup, popcorn, tea, steamed veggies like broccoli
Favorite Binge Food?everything. peanut butter, ramen, burritos, cereal, hummus
Favorite Exercise?anything with weights, yoga, dancing
Thinspo?Before and after shots, real girl, vlada <3
What Makes You Slip Up?being alone, being in social settings, feeling sad, feeling really happy
What Makes You Strong?Seeing the scale go down, exercise
When Did It Start?psh. 9/21/91 (i wouldnt let my mom beast feed me... clue?)
Does Anyone Know?People who read this, my best friend, my ex bf
Do You Want Help?No. I don't think I need it.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? never more than 600 on a good day, preferably less than 500
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? flabby loose skin on my stomach and chest from letting it get that bad, thunder thighs, stretch marks, flabby arms, no definition, blobs of cottage cheese :P
Are You In A Relationship? yes.
Is It For Attention? no, i love him with every ounce of the pretty girl inside of me who is trying to get out.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?the fat one. i always have been, and even when i reach 111, i will still be the fat one. its in my personality now.
Are You Depressed?not really, i just dont care about anything.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? no. i dont want to die, i just dont want to be alive sometimes.
Ever Been To A Psychologist?duh.
Are You On Any Medication? no because i disagree with meds for problems this small. i can deal with it.
[xnotquitex] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[x] vegan
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[ ] fat people
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[x] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[x] to lose 30 lbs
[ ] to lose 10 lbs

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

i remember

when i used to write on here everyday.
when i used to write in my thinspo journal everyday.
when i used to look at thinspo everyday.
when i used to exercise every night, even if it was just a little bit.
i remember no calorie wednesdays, and fasting on sundays.
when i used to tell myself everyday that today is a new day, and i will do my best for today and not dwell on what happened yesterday, and not worry what will happen tomorrow.

when i used to focus on making today the best possible day.
when i used to lose weight...

i miss it.
and i think im coming home now.

because today is a new day, and its the perfect day to start over.
every minute is the perfect minute to try and make today a better day.

Monday, November 16, 2009


needless to say, the candy diet did not work at all..
so i threw out the rest of it and traded for almost every kind of carb there ever was.

today, my best friend and i skipped school to hang out at the town center.

but only because we both binged really horribly last night.

and thought it was a good idea to take fucking 50 laxatives each...
actually, she only took 45, but still...
we had to be close to bathrooms all day.

the whole time, i was praying i wouldnt see my intestines smiling up at me from the toilet bowl.

i really do hope i never take those fucking little blue pills ever the fuck again.

my bf broke up with me.
technically, were "taking a break", but still, it hurts.
he's bipolar, so im hoping this is just a depressive state, and that his "time to get his life back together" won't take forever.
im willing to ride the rollercoaster with him, because i love him, and when you love someone, you fight to stay with them.
and by taking this ride, and being there for him, that shows that im worth it... right?

i wish i felt worth it.

i wish i felt anything at all really.

i shit out 5 pounds of food today, and with that went all my emotions, every feeling ive ever felt before in my life, every ounce of happiness, sadness, anger, everything.
but empty is a better feeling than having the weight of the world in my stomach, and much better than being depressed.
im not depressed.
there aren't words for this. its so much worse.
its nothing and everything at the same time.

ana is eating my soul, and im serving it to her on a silver platter.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

yay for halloween!

mega binge last night, but im not 160 so its ok!
and today im starting my new diet:

one piece of candy a day.

and thats it :)