Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
so i got to the court house after arguing with my mom for like ever ugh shes always so negative and it pisses me off ughhh
anyways and then i walk in and sign in or whatever for my court date and then they go oh well you needa call dis number and just do this program thing and you wont have drug charges on your record anymor...............
SO YOU COULDNT JUST LIKE CALL OR EMAIL ME?!?!?! i had the worst morning ever with my mom and we had to drive all the way out here for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
the good thing is i havent eaten anything today at all, just my coffee :]
and at least i wont have charges on my record :]
Sunday, November 28, 2010
i want to lose ten pounds by christmas.
i made a thinspo video :D
it's on my thinspo site
who's with me on losing ten pounds by christmas???
we got dis :D
i did 30 minutes of tae bo, and took a shower, and i still feel blah :/ idk why
today i have eaten about 6 almonds. im eating them right now, and counting, but i will probably only eat like twelve.
and then i won't eat anything except the the rest of my soup, around 250 calories, which i burned off doing tae bo.
i started a vlog, thanks to much inspiration from peridot. she is amazing!!!
(i wish i had some vodka right now :/)
so yeah here's my vlog.
guys, idk what to talk about to the world, give me some ideas?
Friday, November 26, 2010
fuckfuckfuck and im running out of laxatives and i have no money to buy them waaaaaa
i had a fortune cookie that told me that being loyal and friendly would make me popular...................
ive always been loyal, and i have never ever been popular wtffff
im gonna force myself to drink 18 cups of coffee tonight. i took some lexies. im prolly gonna take some more in a few hours.
i fucking hate everything :/ today started out so amazing :///
i hate being home. if it's ever anything over two nights i binge.
i cannot keep doing this :(
realization: i ate more calories today than i did yesterday, on fucking THANKSGIVING
i really wanna just take a bunch of sleeping pills, more laxatives, and just sleep all this shit off
after i drink some more coffee
i had too much coffee.
no sleep, must exercise all night long.
i found my moms free weights.
she was hiding them from me
i'll show her.
i'll fucking show everybody.
yes, i want to binge, no i don't want to but i think i will end up doing it anyways and then it will start the cycle all over and i havent thrown up in forever it would be too weird so im trying not to but shes making it really difficult i really wanna eat all of her fucking kitchen and throw it in her fucking face like really im only here on the weekends that does NOT give you room to fucking be all up in my shit gtfo bitch
Thursday, November 25, 2010
repair: -800 calories, 3 laxatives, 3 more laxatives, and fasting tomorrow, and hopefully more working out tomorrow if i can do it in secrecy.
definitely not my worst day.
not my best, but not my worst.
average calories consumed on thanksgiving day: 3000-4500 calories
im at half of the lowest number, so i feel ok with this i think.
how was your thanksgiving? :]
and im also thankful that the number on the scale today was lower than yesterday :D
im even more thankful for all of you guys (yes, you) and the support that you never fail to give when things get rough. i love you guys so much!!! i wish i could know all you ladies (and men?) in person, im almost positive i would find you all extremely beautiful.
i hope everyone has a great not-feast!
i will update later with the happenings concerning food for me, even though i really wish today wasnt thanksgiving so i could fast, because thats how cheerful i am today.
here is me spreading all my cheer to you!!!!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
but thats not the topic im getting at.
we were having amazing shower sex, and i got really dizzy right after. we were still in the shower and everything went white and i couldnt hear anything or see and the water hurt my skin and i was swaying so he like sat me down in the shower and turned the water off and was like talking to me i guess trying to make sure i was ok. he asked if i was epileptic....
i was like no im just dehydrated so he made me drink water. i was still dizzy for like half an hour. it was really scary...
it was like when you pass out after not eating for a few days, but the exact opposite. like when i passed out last school year everything went black and sounds got louder but this time everything went white and i felt like i was dying.
or at least the closest i have ever been to dying.
if only :/
but anyways he wrapped me in a towel and made sure i was ok and it made me smile that he actually cared so much :]
and then we played golden axe on my sega and i beat his ass cuz im awesome like that :]
so overall good day right? when you get dizzy it means you're doing it right.
fasting today until thanksgiving, gotta clean my dorm fast before have to leave :D stay strong my lovelies!!!! <333
Monday, November 22, 2010
i ended up eating yesterday, but i worked most of it off, so imma keep it small today and then tomorrow i will spend at least 2 hours at the gym and no food!
im trying to be really strong this week before thanksgiving.
and i have a paper due wednesday to keep me busy so that should help.
i dont feel as strong as i did yesterday morning :/
i hate that i get random spurts of inspiration and determination, they only last for like an hour.
i need to make collages like i used to, they kept me busy, and it was all thinspo so it helped.
maybe that's it, i dont use thinspo anymore like i used to :/
how is everyone else doing??? i feel like i've been out of touch lately with the whole world. i want to get back into the blogger world!!!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
and im going to start using mydailyplate again.
i reread the first few months of my blog, back when i actually fasted and lost lots of weight, and i noticed that i do better when i update everyday, and when im completely honest and tell you guys exactly what i ate, and when i make small weekly goals for myself as opposed to just 'winging' it.
thats what im gonna do.
im GOING to reach my goal of 140 by new years.
since i was 152 today, im going to try and get to 149 by next saturday when i am home for the weekend. that's only 3 pounds.
that's a piece of sugar free low fat no icing cake :]
who's with me? let's do this.
i want to go back to no-calorie wednesdays and fasting on sundays. i need to drink water again. i need to do two-day fasts every now and then like i used to.
and i need to keep updating my thinspo blog, which i did today, so you should go check it out :]
so, today i ate 1040 cals, but burned probably around 400 cleaning and doing homework and such. mydailyplate says i should stick to around 750 calories per day to lose 3 pounds a week. i can do that. i can do better than that.
:] here we go ladies, let's get teensy!!
*gets off scale, gets back on*
stupid dial needle thing scale.
i';; go with 152, just to be safe.
so ive miraculously lost 9 pounds since my first day of college.
and i honestly do not know how, because i was a pig last week.
thank you laxatives.
i can be bulimic in more secrecy this way. its not the same as purging, but it will work for now.
i just havent felt like throwing up lately. i havent done it in months.
i havent even really binged in months, just some days i eat way too much.
i need to get more diet pills.
i feel very odd today.
not happy by any means, but not totally hopeless i guess.
its fucking hilarious how the scale can change my whole fucking outlook on life and the world.
plan for next week: avoid food at all costs, try to sleep some (since i was awake for almost 4 days straight), and go to the gym like im supposed to instead of getting there and being a pussy bitch about it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
im so lonely.
if theres beauty after the breakdown, and what doesnt kill you now makes you stronger in the end, then i better have muscles like the hulk and a face like a covergirl model when all this shit is over with.
im not eating anything ever again until someone cares.
or at least until someone notices me.
im so tired of being invisible that the the only thing that makes sense is to just give in and disappear completely.
Friday, November 5, 2010
the main character's name is hannah, she has nightmares, this is one of them:I am standing in my bathroom in front of the mirror, brushing my hair before my shower. My long red curly hair always gets even frizzier when I brush it. I hate my hair. I look into the mirror. My cheek bones look more defined. I lift my shirt to count my ribs: one, two, three, almost four. There is a gap forming between my legs. I look down to verify, to make sure the mirror isn’t tricking me. I see no gap between my thighs when I look down.
I look once again into the mirror. I see an 11 year old girl, short, chubby, reminiscent of those little toys that babies play with, the ones where the people are made out of balls and they roll around and look like fat people and they slide down the slides. Weeble-wobbles, I think they are called. I look like that. Like every other obesity-ridden American. I poke my stomach. It is squishy and soft and jiggles and I don’t want to touch my skin anymore because it is getting bigger and squishier in front of my eyes. The little girl is crying now. She is shoving Swiss Rolls and brownies into her mouth and chugging soda and crying. When she is finished she throws up all over me, like the scene in The Exorcist. She vomits her sins onto me through the mirror. I am covered in bile and digested sweets.
I look again; she is gone. There is a skeleton in her place now. A lifeless corpse of a person, like a holocaust survivor. I reach up to touch the mirror and the skeleton does the same. Our hands touch and she grabs me and I am inside of the mirror and she shows me her bones and they are horrifically lovely.
“You are worthless.” She slaps me in the face and throws me back through the mirror. I crumble to the floor and my tears flood the bathroom and I look down and there is red curly hair on the floor. My hair mixes with my tears around my ankles on the floor and I cannot stop crying and I look into the mirror and my hair is falling out before my very eyes. I reach up to touch my head and pull handfuls of hair out until I have just a few patches left and I can’t stop crying.
I open my mouth to scream and notice something about my mouth in the mirror. I lean forward, open my mouth wider. My teeth are decaying. They are rotting in my mouth. They are falling apart in crumbles that I can feel and taste on my tongue. Behind me the skeleton girl is standing with her arms crossed laughing at me. I fall to the floor, surrounded by my hair and tears and rotting teeth, I close my eyes, and I scream.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
i havent weighed myself
but i havent eaten like anything this week really
ive been writing a novel for NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing Month. I have until midnight on nov. 30 to write 50,000 words.
any other NaNos out there? i would like some ana writing buddies, that would be cool.
im gonna tell you guys about my novel, because i cant tell anyone else
its about my first semester in college
and it covers a lot of issues im dealing with right now like ed, paranoia, isolation, no friends, feeling lost, etc...
eventuall im gonna make a blog for my novel and put it on there.
when im done :]
im hoping this will keep me too busy to eat.