Saturday, April 30, 2011

low weight, except....

yeah home for 2 weeks.............
1567 cals so far today :/ i should go play ddr :/ or something, anything except eat more :(
i really haven't 'binged' though. but i'll definitely be bloated tomorrow :'(
someone save me? from myself...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

picture update :D


b- jellybeans (90)
l- smoothie (free) w/ protein boost (35)
d- steamed veggies (free)
black beans (140)
d2- pizza and chips (635)
total= 900
running (-780)
walking (-385)
swimming (-397)
net calories= -662

i know i burned off all the calories but STILL.. at least it was thin crust pizza :/ today will be better.
plan time :D

b- banana
s- protein bar
l- smoothie
d- salad w/ black beans

how is everyone else's week going so far?

Monday, April 25, 2011

new plan :D

i probably gained alot over the weekend at home, but i didnt weigh before i left so i really dont know for sure, but in any case, i need a new plan.
this week is finals week, which means more than enough time to work out, but i also have to move out by friday. so, i'm thinking that i can do mon-thurs like this:
400 calories a day (for protein)
fruits and vegetables free (i must eat at least one of each every day)
run every day, twice if i have time, tues and thurs do toning exercises.
and i MUST write down everything i eat, no excuses.
if i go over by more than 100 calories, i will go for a walk until i have burned all the calories.
i already had some jellybeans today, lol cuz i woke up and they were RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and i was like OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lol
but i only had like 10 so no big deal. like 100 calories. i'll just run it off later.
i think i like thinking this way instead of the usual "BITCH WHY DID YOU EAT THAT GO TAKE AT LEAST 2 LAXATIVES YOU STUPID HOE!"
i feel like all this running and eating more fruits and veggies is doing great things to my body <3
i will update more later, i have to go take my biology final :p urgh

Saturday, April 23, 2011

final weigh in!

after my 8 days, i am 146 :]
sooooooooooooooo i fully surpassed my goal of being under 150 :]
i ate too much yesterday, but im home for the weekend, i will excuse up to 1000 calories a day while i am here cuz the bf id with me and if i just dont eat it could look suspicious.
however, i am really really satisfied with myself :]
even my mom asked if i had been working out cuz im getting my toned booty back :D hehehe

Thursday, April 21, 2011

day 7 :/

fail. 1192 calories. laxatives? yes, please... even though i burned 1257 calories, but still.
all i can do is drink coffee and water to flush it out and run today before my mom comes to get me and the bf for the weekend. (im taking him home to meet my family, in case i didnt say that before)
blehhhh lol fuck getting the munchies lol but i love weed sooo much :]]]
this weekend i really will have to resist the munchies cuz there is SO MUCH FOOD AT MY HOUSE!
i'm kinda feeling a fast today. or like a 200 calorie day. and then fast tomorrow too at the beach. and then weigh myself saturday, as the official end of my 8 day plan.
omg! publix has a scale right next to the bathroom... :D so i dont need my own now, if i need to weigh myself ill just run or bike up to publix :D
im all like absent minded right now im gonna go run to clear my thoughts and do some yoga :p
byezzz <33

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

bf update and day 6

bf is fine, they didnt run as many tests as they should have which really pissed me off but his vitals were fine and they discharged him today. he says he feels fine. it's really a mystery, b/c he left my room at like 10 sunday night an i didnt hear from him until monday at 2 ish, but he seems ok now, he just has to go see a neurologist sometime soon to get more tests done on his brain. just in case he's epileptic.
in other news, he FINALLY said the 'L' word :] <3
horrible timing jake, horrible timing lol

so today wasn't the best of days, but definitely an overall good day i guess. i went over my 500 limit, but only because i was in the hospital all night and the only food we had was pizza and starburst jellybeans haha

b- starburst jellybeans (113)
l- pizza (i only had the 2 smallest slices!!!!! GO ME!!!!!) (273)
s- smoothie (125)
s- protein bar (210)
and for dinner, if i have any, i will have only vegetables, which are free :]
total= 721
running (-780)
walking (-412)
net cals= -471

i guess i won't beat myself up too much. after all, i have stuck to my plan pretty much except not running for 2 days this weekend, but i ran twice on one day last week, and if i run twice tomorrow or thursday before i go home then i think i should still be on track to be under 150 by saturday. we're going to the beach friday, so it will most likely be either a fasting or very very restricting day because i HATE eating before i go to the beach and i usually don't eat while i'm ath the beach cuz it makes me feel gross.
speaking of beach holy shit i need to do some toning exercises o.o
ttyl, gotta body to go build <3

Monday, April 18, 2011

day 5

b- smoothie (113)
l- black beans (140)
steamed veggies (free)
d- salad (free)
dressing (10)
total= 263
running (-796)
walking (-412)
net total= -945

bf in hospital he had a seizure update later

days 3/4 :/

i did ok on saturday, didn't eat alot, but i didn't go running, but i walked a shit ton so it's ok.
then yesterday, bf ordered pizza :p i only had 5 slices, which is about half what vi usually would have eaten, but i didn't go running yesterday either cuz i was high all day lol
basically, this weekend was a bump in the road, but all in all it wasn't too bad, and i'm going to go running twice everyday this week if i can to make up for it. i gotta get below 150 by saturday.
i knpw i can do it without exercise if i fast for 4 days, but i want to have muscles, and i have worked really hard to get the little bit of muscle mass i have now back from where i used to be after 3 years of starving and purging. true, i still am not doing this quite 'the healthy way', but i'm trying to take baby steps to get back up to close to normal?
either that or i just think what i'm doing is normal when really my perception of normal is way too screwed up to even know what 'normal' is....
the above statement is probably true.
but anyways so i'm gonna go finish my coffee and go run now, i'll update again later with how i did for today, and tell you guys what i ate, because that's important too and cuz i told myself i would lol
i hope everyone is staying strong and reaching their goals, and if you're not, then i want you to know that it will be ok, do not get discouraged just because you ate x slices of pizza or had x calories one day, because one day isn't that important in a lifetime of days, and as long as you stop yourself right now and focus on TODAY and making TODAY a good day, then tomorrow it will be easier to make it a good day as well. stay optimistic, and never give up <3

Saturday, April 16, 2011

8DAYS DAY 2/3 :D

odwalla super protein bar (210)
steamed broccoli and carrots (free)
black beans (70)
salad (free)
dressing (10)
ice cream (280)
running (-796)
walking to/from class (-206)
net total=-432 calories :D

yesterday was awesome, minus the ice cream, but i'm currently the only one awake at my friends house, and right before she went to bed my friend just like grabbed me and goes "you're eating this ice cream with me"
fuck off ugh
i hate being surrounded by a society obsessed with food in the opposite way i am obsessed with it :/ but at least i had salad instead of pizza like she did :] i did not touch any pizza at all :] thats deff a first for me :D
but i still ate way too much ice cream, and i didnt have to put chocolate syrup on top :/ oh well.
i'll go running as soon as i get back to my dorm.
my plan for the rest of the day.... idk :/ im still at my friends house because were having a yard sale so hopefully ill be too busy to eat anything really and i already planned on making me and her eggs for breakfast because i wanna be nice and get some protein in cuz i havent had much protein lately :/ fuck not having money ugh lol
but anyways, i'm going to try my hardest to stay under 500 cals. she has lots of veggies here, so ill just nibble on that if she says anything about me not eating.
if i go over 500 im doing my run route twice. no more fucking excuses.
i'm so fucking wired on coffee omg i havent slept at all tonight ive been awake for 18 hours, and i wont be able to sleep until like wayyyyy later cuz of the yard sale and then im going running and then hanging out with the bf tonight ;D if ya know what im sayin tehehe (exercise is implied ;)

to end on a really really good note, i havent weighed myself in almost 2 months, and my friend has a scale..........and im only 153 :D i thought for sure i would be like 160 cuz i was binging alot, but i was also exercising alot too so i guess it worked itself out. this also means im down 3 pounds since i got my birth control shot sometime in march :{D not alot of weight loss, but still a loss, so its still awesome and im still awesome and im even more motivated now!!!
OH AND I CAN SEE DIMPLES ON MY BACK you know like the really adorable ones that some girls have on their lower backs??? theyre what i wanted almost the most and now i have them :D barely, but theyre starting to show :] and i am very very happy about that.

my next goal is to be under 150 when i get home next saturday, because i know the scale there will tell me exactly how much weight i have lost, because its the one i used to use all the time, so its the one i generally go by. thats only 4 pounds in a week (psssshhhhhhh i got dis lol)

wish me luck!!!!!
i love all of you! <333

Thursday, April 14, 2011

8days day 1

black beans (140)
fruit smoothie (125)-- would be free but it has protein and juice added into it
salad- free
dressing (10)
protein bar (210)
total= 485
output: -2006
net calories= -1521
i was a beast today :] i went running twice.
i won't usually do that, unless i'm up to it, or if i'm awake early enough to go before AND after class lol but still :] good day.
now i just gotta fight off the munchies @.@


new plan for next 8 days

i'm giving up abc because i don't want to eat next to nothing and run everyday at the same time. so here is my new plan:

i have 8 days until i get to go home, which means 8 days until i get to weigh myself for the first time in months. starting today, i will go on my run every single day, no exceptions. it's about 5 miles and i can do it in an hour so i definitely have TIME to do it every day until i go home. also, i want to eat 500 calories a day, give or take a few, but fresh fruits and vegetables are free foods, so i can eat as much of that as possible. my 500 calories should come from proteins, because i definitely need more of that to build my muscles that i lost when i used to starve myself. so yeah.
500 calories a day until next saturday.
run everyday.
eat as many fruits and veggies as possible, because those are ok.
off to shower and tan now :]

day 11

run (-796)
smoothie? (125)
run (-796)
small salad (25~)

i didnt realize that today was 150 after a fasting day :/ i feel doomed today, but i know i wont binge, i just will be really hungry, and i hate that feeling, but there really is no food in my dorm (none of my food at least) that i could binge on... i have a bad habit of sneaking my roommate's food sometimes :/
wish me luck!!!
oh! and to my newest follower, ILY <3 but it won't let me get to your blog... :/

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

day 10 :D

fasting day :] i prolly got dis. it's 6pm, i haven't eaten anything all day, AND i went running for an hour ish this morning and so far today with walking back and forth to class and my run i burned off 1208 calories, so i'm way negative right now. all should be fine unless bf wants to get food.
i dont know what ill tell him, but i dont wanna be anywhere near food today. theres hardly anything in my dorm, so if i just stay here and dont get high then ill fall asleep eventually and it will be ok. the only problem is i cant fall asleep without smoking recently, so idk how imma fall asleep, but if i dont, then ill just pretend to be asleep lol

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

day 9 :]

i think i'm back on track for this week. i had 465 calories so far today from a luna bar a smoothie and some pretzels and i might let myself have a salad for dinner while i watch biggest loser, and then i'm going to bed so i don't binge.
yesterday i worked out like beast mode :D
and today i went running/walking and i can finally go 5 miles in an hour so i'm happy about that.
i love the nature trails on campus they are perfect for running.
tomorrow is a fasting day, so my plan is to either sleep in and not let myself have enough time for breakfast or to wake up 2 hours before class so i can go running before my first class, or i can sleep in, go to class, and go running after my first class before my second one because there's a 2 hour gap between them...
ok sorry i had to type all that out lol im trying to sort my thouhghts...
here's my plan:
tonight- shower, biggest loser/ salad, sleep
tomorrow- class, run, class, tanning until bf gets out of class, refuse food bf gives me, sleep
i miss you guys i need to catch up on all your blogs :/
ily <333

Monday, April 11, 2011

what day is today????

i lost count because I CAN'T FUCKING STOP BINGEING
good news is i have been working out like a boss i'm not even kidding. so i burned off all extra calories consumed. but still not good enough because i want to do abc and finish it :/
but today is already a fail because i ate a poptart before i worked out.
that makes no fucking sense at all... ugh fuck junk food!
so i'm already at 400 for today, i just burned 1000 so as long as i don't go over like 700 ish i should still be fine for the day. i'm planning on having a sald for lunch and a salad for dinner and i need to find some protein.
other than that, nothing's really new :/
i need to lose some fucking weight!!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

day 4 edits :/

i binged last night but i didnt go over 1000 for the day yesterday so i'm gonna stay positive and get the fuck off the internet so i can exercise.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

abc day 4

b- smoothie (125)
l- egg, egg white, black beans (156)
d- steamed veggies (40)
snack- greek yogurt (70)
total= 391
walking (206)
sex :D (56)
net calories= 131

almost went over, but caught myself. obviously i didn't fast as planned but that is ok because i didnt go to the foam party anyways.
i need friends.
nobody in my immediate circle is anything like me, and none of them like anything i like, so i never get to do things that i want to do because i don't have anybody to do those things with. all the people near me wanna do is study and go shopping and go get food and fucking why not go clubbing every now and again?
the people around me are so fucking boring. lame. i hate them almost.
but i don't have any friends, so it's not like i can really complain.
whatever goodnight

abc day 3

i fasted all day and then drank with my bf :] alcohol doesnt count (in my opinion).
i plan on fasting today as well :]
therefore, i am switching days 3 and 4 with one of the fasting days.
idk how im so good at this right now, i guess my body just needed it's old friend back <3

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

abc day 2

b- egg, egg white, black beans (156)
l- strawberry smoothie- (125)
d- veggies and hummus (121)
s- 1/2 luna bar (90)
total= 492
walking (-412)
net calories: 80

must do better today! i WILL go running tonight. 400 calories only. i can do this.

tomorrow night there will be a foam party at my university. i'm seriously thinking about switching days 4-5 with two of the fast days. i need to look my best for that o.o

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

abc day 1 and thanks :]

first off, i wanna thank all of you who commented. (Emuhlee, LakiSwirl, Kat, Peridot, ImpracticalShopper, and of course, Charlie <3) you guys are amazing!
secondly, here's how i did yesterday:
b- egg, 2 egg whites, coffee (102)
l- strawberry smoothie with protein booster (125)
d- cheese doodles (112)
snack- luna bar (180)
total= 519
walking (-618)
sex :D (-112)
net total= -211i went over but only by about 20 calories and i more than burned those off so i won't beat myself up. as long as i never go over by more than like 50 calories, i will be satisfied.
so last night my bf and i were right in the middle of having sex, and at one point we were staring into eachother's eyes and i knew what he wanted to say, because i've been wanting to say it for a long time, but he didn't so i asked him what he was thinking and he was like idk and i was like tell me and he goes "wow" so i say "wow what?" and he goes "wow you are so beautiful and amazing and just everything" and then we continued our 'exercising' teeheehee
this was me on day 1 of abc, first thing in the morning. lots of improvement needed. i shall do it!

today will be a good day :]
i love you guys <333

Monday, April 4, 2011


gotta get back to losing. im tired of this maintenance crap, but at least now i know i can do it :]]
abc day one- 500 calories
here we go!!!
who wants to join me??? any and all support will be greatly appreciated :D
this time, im gonna take it day by day and stick to the calories 100%. and as long as i get up and move at least a little everyday, i won't strain myself to do exercise, but i will do lifting at least twice a week to keep my muscles and tone them.
im also focusing my calories around protein, and the fasting days are 0 calorie, which means diet coke black coffee and tea are ok.
after abc im jumping into the skinny girl diet again too. which i think is awesome because the calories are slightly higher than abc so i can work on increasing my intake at a gradual speed instead of binging.
april will be binge free!
feelin very excited
and determined
and so ready to jump headfirst into this
i know im going to kick ass this time :D

Friday, April 1, 2011


so im watching the biggest loser on hulu, and the contestants are reflecting on their journeys so far and one guy was talking about how he is becoming the person he always wanted to be.
i feel like these people work so hard and put in so much effort to be healthy and lose weight, and yet i pretty much lost 70 pounds by not doing anything. sure, i went through periods where i would work out for hours but it was never consistent.
not eating is doing it the easy way, and throwing up is like cheating. i feel like i cheated my body of the opportunity to know true health :/
part of me wishes i could gain it all back and just start over and do it the right way so i can become the person i always wanted to be.
the only thing stopping me from gaining the weight back is the uncertainty of what happens when i gain it back. i don't want to be that fat again, and if i ever did, there's no guarantee that i would be able to lose it all again the right way.