Friday, August 28, 2009


i think ive had a normal day.
800 calories.

toast with peanut butter for breakfast, an orange/apple/grapes for lunch, and when i got home i ate broccoli/carrots/baked potato...

i feel so weird right now.

and really really blah. and bloated as hell. and im still sick, but i think its going away, but im on my period now...
which explains why i gained 4 pounds between yesterday mornign and just now.. but oh well.
i dont really care today, because i am sick, and i feel blah and sad kinda but i dont feel like bingeing..

mostly because i had diet soda so my tummy is really full...

but yeah so normal ish day.. i dont think i ever want to try that again i feel gross and heavy i hate this :/

but yeah congrats to morg-ana she finally got to 140! yay!!
im hoping to be 150 by monday :/ i know i keep saying that, but i havent had any energy to exercise this week... and i think tomorrow i will be more strict. and then fast on sunday like always.

its possible. i can do it :)

im sorry ive been like way too busy to read through blogs im dying to though hopefully i can get to that like before sunday im so far behind on everyone :/

Thursday, August 27, 2009

holy jesus

i have 69 followers :) hehe
im all giddy :)) im down to like almost 151 now woooooo!
and ive had 1200 calories, this week, total.. i know, it is quite awesome :D
except i got really sick yesterday and now my throat is all sore and stuff so i decided it would be ok to break my limit of 500 calories for the day, so i am currently at 550, and when i get off the computer, if it is 9 oclock at that time, i will make popcorn, and eat like 50 calories worth.
then tomorrow i will have like 400 or less. unless i weigh 150 in the morning :) then ill stick with 500 :) yay!
and school is going like waaayyy better than i thought it would... aside from our school is getting like super mega poor o.o so we dont have agendas, so im having to write all of my assignments on my arm lol
and my printer is effed up grrrrr
but im gettin skinnier! i would have been able to wear my smallest size pants that i own today, if i really wanted to, but i decided that those were achievement pants, a reward for when i get below 150 :) yay!
im so happy right now, even though i feel horrible because im sick. maybe its because im all doped up on sudafed and ibuprofen hehe
but oh well anyways... in one of my classes im supposed to make a project like of anything at all there are no guidelines... so im doing a vegan college student's cookbook, like super cheap easy food for vegans lol im excited :D
i have to do one of these types of projects every nine weeks, and i want at least one of them to be about either eating disorders or obesity... idk yet it depends on where i am at that point in my weight loss... if i ever get small enough to actually look anorexic, im definitely not going to do a project about anorexia lol i could do one on like the health problems tied to being at extremes, and use anorexia as the low extreme, and obesity as the high extreme. that would be interesting. like trying to figure out which one would be better to lean towards (duh...).. but the other two projects im still like whaaaa???? idk what to do any ideas?? im thinking one of them might just be like filling out college applications hahaaa im lazy like that :) i might do something having to do with music. like write a song about the teacher :D lol no, i do not suck up to teachers. i hate that so much lol haha i could make a poster on the benefits of sucking up to teachers hahaha
idk buuutttt anyways, im done rambling.. i gotta go check myspace/facebook/email and then help mi madre move furniture and hope i dont pass out or die from lack of energy/nutrients
i really do need to catch up on everyone's blogs, but theres like no time at all now to do like anything :( i miss you guys i hope everyone is doing ok.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

okkk welll

i tlked to guidance, but they couldnt put me in weight training cuz of my schedule...
so i took study hall instead :D
that way, i can do all my homework at school and have more time for exercise when i get home!

intake yesterday: 200 calories
intake so far today: 200 calories
total intake for today: hopefully 300, no more than 500

fasting tomorrowwwww
and bowling starts on thursday yayyyyyy

im tryin to catch up but my school already has me doin so much work that i have very limited time to blog :/
but do know that i love you all!!!

oh hey wait today i weighed 155 :)

Monday, August 24, 2009

1st day of school :)

you guys, really, are so... so amazing. idk what to say like.. every one of you :)
my first day was better than i expected, even though they fucked up my schedule and took out the one class i wanted more than anything...
they replaced my weight training with team sports...
and the coach is a really scary big lady...

and im going to talk to my guidance councelor tomorrow asap because i NEED weight training class because it motivates me to do exercises i know i would never be able to do at home because i dont have all the machines and i dont have a gym membership and cant afford one :/

but other than that, i got a few compliments today..
i was both sad that not that many people noticed, and happy because by the time im at my gw they will pretty much have to notice and that will be awesome, so it ws a very motivating day :)

im debating on if i want to eat or not tonight idk yet... mybe if i do it will stay less than 100 calories though fer sure..

omg i have to tell you ok so in 6th grade this girl stole my bf and ever since then i kind of have hated her guts and she hated me too... and today she stopped me in the hallway and says "heather wow you look really good!"
i was like "aww thanks :D" to be nice, but in my head i was like yeah bitch one day ill look better than you and then youll be so jealous :D hahahahahhaa
idk i really thought it was funny that she like talked to me in the first place cuz she knows i hate her lol

but anywaysss... ummmm
tomorrow should be an easy day, 2 chorus classes and english yay

i hope everyone elses days are going amazing :D
i love you guys you rock!

first day of school

ok, here i go.. got my cup of coffee, and im out the door

i can do this

i can do this

i can do this...

i really want to cry, but i can do this.

i think.

ill come on tonight to let you know how it went.
i feel so sad right now, but giddy and hyper becuase i woke up so early and cuz ive already had a pot of coffee :DDDDD

and my makeup looks fucking amazing

and because im down to 158 now!
i love you, ana.
you fucking cunt :)

Sunday, August 23, 2009


ok, so... i figured.. if i drink like 137897934758 gallons of water today, and like 3 pots of coffee, maybe ill lose the water weight part quicker...
so yeah i fasted today pretty much it went well so far and i got my project done finally i feel a little better but im so fucking scared about tomorrow i dont want to go to school i dont want to be a senior i dont want to grow up this is freaking me out idk why this is such a big deal everyone grows up sometime why is this so hard for me i cant do it i cant grow up its like.. idk i never really got to be a child .. this sucks so fucking much omg
and im gonna look so horrible tomorrow :/
all my friends are gonna be like omg youve lost weight!
but thats cuz they didnt see me on thursday, so thy wont know that ive actually gained weight :/
im the same weight now that i was 2 months ago :/
and that sucks.

but oh well. pick myself up and deal with it i guess.
go with the flow, and take whatever life decides to throw at me, even if that means becomming a senior :(

you guys are so nice and encouraging. thats what i really need right now, a positive approach to things i guess. thank you <3

im not ready for the life thats being thrown at me right now.
i dont know how to handle it.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

my weekend

weight on thursday morning: 151 (yayyy)
calorie intake thursday: no idea, guessin 694857635465876? (...)
calories burned: 900
weight thursday evening: 160 (!!!wtf)

weight friday morning: 156 (waaaaah)
calorie intake friday: infinite
*endless taking of laxatives/diet pills* (ehh..)
*endless drinking of coffee* (yumm)
weight friday evening: 159
*box of rice crispies at midnight* (sleep-eating????)
weight at midnight: 162

weight saturday morning: 162 D;
calorie intake saturday: dont even wanna know... (booooo)
*endless taking of laxatives*
weight right now: 168

*shoots self in stomach*

*goes to buy more laxatives*

holy shit.
like super-epic-food-athon o doom...
is that a record? i gained almost 20 pounds in 3 days? maybe something cool can come from this???
*calls guinness*

i always fast on sundays. i hope i can continue that tradition.
im so not ready for school.

im still not done with my project. if i wouldnt have binged, i would have been clean and pure and it would have been so easy to just whip right through all the questions.
but im not.
i feel like ive eaten 80 pounds of rocks for three days.
my intestines are like wtffffffffff
my brain is likewise..

no, im not balanced. i need to find balance.

ugh, food hangover. gross :/

im 168 :(
im 13 pounds overweight now.
so i can rightfully say now that i am fat. gross. disgusting. ugh.

haha but i made a new brand of milkshake: ritz-oreo milkshake :D best fucking thing everrrr

goodnight. i hope i lose 4 pounds overnight again :/

i cant take this.

i need to get my head out of the clouds, out of the refridgerator, out of the pantry, and into the fact that school starts monday, and i have been too obsessed with food and weight matters to do my summer reading project that is DUE IN 2 DAYS!
ive been thinking alot today, reflecting... im kind of numb right now. and after eating nonstop for 3 hours, i feel apathetic really. im not mad at myself and i dont feel guilty. i probably will tomorrow though. and you know what else? i dont regret pigging my face the past 3 days.
yeah, i weigh more right now than i have almost all month long, but who cares. im tired of being obsessed with something that hurts me so much.

hopefully by monday ill feel back to normal.
i dont like not feeling.
its worse than feeling sad.

i dont like bingeing for absolutely no reason either.

i have a project to do. i have a whole book to read. and ten essay questions to do. before monday. i had all summer long to do it.
that pisses me off more than reading the scale right now.
i hate that this is consuming my entire life.

i need time to get myself together. i dont know whats going on with me right now.

but i love you guys, and i will come back eventually, i just dont know when.
stay strong, and i hope everyone gets what theyre looking for.

ps. ill probably get on here like tomorrow, and delete this post, and replace it with one that begins "WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!....."


maybe im bipolar.

3 things:

1. no, im not almost down to 150, i gained 10 pounds, and now i am 160. and yes, my stomach looks eight months pregnant, still, because i have been mindlessly self-indulging in every peice of food in my house.

2. i dont feel sad because i binged, or because i gained all that weight. (ok well yeah i feel like it sucks but im not really sad today i guess idk.. im not gonna punish myself for it or anything)

3. i realised last night, for the first time, how much i think i might really feel for this guy. it's not like teenager "omg" puppy love or whatever
its like...
he records music, like local bands and stuff, in a studio, and i was just.. watching him i guess last night like in his zone that he goes into. its like his true state of being. and i almost cried because he was so beautiful, and because i was so filled with all kinds of emotions.
no, he's not prince charnming.
yes, he has pimples, and a potbelly, and a happy trail, but he also has strong arms that hold me tight and the warmest brown eyes that i could just melt into.
he's such a.. real person. there is nothing fake about him. he is his own person, he doesnt follow the rules of society. when he wants to be immature, he is. he's quirky, and caring, and adorable, and gentle, and strong, and silly, and dumb sometimes, but also one of the smartest people i know.
he's not smotheringly romantic, but he isn't cold and shut off either.
he is so perfectly imperfect, and my favorite things about him are things everyone else would find weird about him, or unnattractive.
he always understands what im talking about when i ramble aimlessly about random things that make no sense even to me. but they make sense to him.
we can go on dates, and not speak any words almost the whole time, but so many things are said just by looking into his eyes, like i can read his thoughts without him speaking.
and when he looks into my eyes i feel like he sees who i really am.
not the me i show to everyone else, but the me that truly is.
when were together, we dont have to be doing anything, we just exist, and its perfect.
last night, while i was watching him work, i realised just how special he is to me.
yes, we say the "l" word, but last night when i got out of his car, and he kissed me and said i love you, and i said i love you too, i felt like i really meant it. for the first time, i think i actually experienced the most amazing feeling i ever have in my life.
we've known eachother for 3 years, and the past 5 months since we've been dating, i feel myself falling more and more into love with him.
he gets even more special, even more beautiful, even more perfect, everytime i see him.
sometimes i feel like, even though to most people he is an average joe type of guy, he is far too perfect for me. he's too sweet, too beautiful.

and then i get sad because i wish i were better for him.
maybe he thinks im perfect too, but even if he does, i wish i felt better about myself for him.
i dont want to be the sad girl with the lowest self esteem ever possible and the worst body image always putting myself down for failing, but i dont know how to not be sad about myself.
ive always been the fat girl and deep inside i think i will always feel too fat because ive always been too fat and my brain doesnt understand that im losing weight so im not morbidly obese anymore.

and i can see myself heading down this path of destruction.

and he's too good for that. i dont want to let him down like that.
i need to fix myself.
and i promise to him that i will one day.

i'm just not ready yet.

Friday, August 21, 2009


to everyone, to ana, and to myself.
but, this time around, i refuse to be utterly pissed off at myself over this.
btw, has anyone ever used mag citrate as a laxative?
how was your.. um... experience??
im going to get some. this guy on amazon said it was cheap, but he got the volcanic ass-ruptions that will relieve me of my food-athon.
my whole blog is like a goddamned roller coaster from hell.
but then, those are the best ones right? and once you get off, you almost always want to get back on... even if you throw up on the kid next to you.
i wish i could throw up...
im going to ignore my 8 months pregnant stomach,
and pretend like none of this ever happened
and pray that my boyfriend doesn't notice how disgustingly huge it is..
its probably bigger than his...
(he has a potbelly)
((but its cute on him lol))
maybe if i close my eyes and wish hard enough, everything will disappear...
maybe if i fast from now until forever
the voices in my head will shut up
and forgive me
and leave me alone...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

im vegan haha

which means like almost the only thing ill be able to eat is salad haha yay
ive had about 150 calories so far today, and i only had 100 on tuesday, and zero yesterday, and im planning on not eating any tomorrow until the mega group dinner of death and destruction..
hey wait, when people starve themselves, doesn't that destruct their body? and eventually if they dont eat SOMthing they die?
hehe ironic lalala
im so high on empty
and giddy as hell omg..
but noooooooooo energy whatsoever.
oh my god my mom bought alot of vegan food from publix yesterday like vegan waffles and tofurky and fucking soy ice cream its staring at meeeeee
but i can win any staring contest :) ive always been good at that.
and plus, i want to look really really good tomorrow night. that way even if i do go a little overboard at olive garden i wont let myself feel bad.

no, i dont have car insurance, shut up
yay <33
i love you ana. your rewards are the best.

i went shopping yesterday at a thrift store and bought a really cute jacket and two shirt-jacket type things and some bright yellow shoes and a really awesome lime green skirt and guess what it only cost me 10 dollars o.o
i am awesome :)

so for the rest of the day i might drink some tea, and maybe soup for lunch and dinner, but i dont really want to go over 200 calories even though i said my limit was 500 i figured since i havent gone over 150 for six days then getting to 200 today wouldnt be bad...
my metabolism is fucked.
oh well. one day they will have cosmetic surgery for metabolisms, and hopefully ill be a rich runway hairdresses by then and will be able to afford it :)
either that or ill just be really thin and beautiful and cute and tiny :)

my bf calls me cute all the time but when i was fat i always wanted to be cute but what fat person is cute exactly none of them i always wanted to be really little and tiny and cutesy like a little kid...

my stomach growls constantly and i really want food but i am NOT giving up this lquid fast until monday night (tomorrow night does not count)

oh more good news my friend and i decided that for the month of october we are going to liquid fast for 30 days, from october 1st until october 30th, and then on halloween we will only eat the candy/goodies that we get when we go trick or treating :)
yes, i still go door to door with a bag and beg for candy :) i love it its so much fun
the trick is: were both vegan and most candies are not vegan haha
so im probably gonna give most of it to my brother...
and her bday is in october, so on that day were allowing food, but only small amounts. because she loves pumpkin pie and i told her i would make her one for her bday.
yesyesyes this is going to be a good thing :)
i really hope all this doesnt make me too weak for softball though that would suck really bad :/

but oh well im going to go drink a gallon of water and then look up restaurant menus!
i do read you guys's blogs i swear but my mom doesnt want me on the computer so i have to be like realyl quick :P i love you all and hope all is well

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

disney movies

i want to be a kid again. i want to watch disney movies and cuddle with my blanket and teddy bear and eat mini-pizzas and kid cuisines and drink my grandma's sweet tea :/
but instead im losing weight and drinking green tea w/ splenda, AND i get to keep my movies :)
one day when im skinny enough i'll have a kiddie day where i just laze around all day with the lion king and beauty and the beast and the little mermaid and my teddy bear and maybe pizza but hopefully by then i wont remember what that tastes like so i wont want it.
today i've had 1 1/2 cups light plain soymilk+1/2 tray of ice+1 teaspoon of instant coffee+ 2 teaspoons zero calorie chocolate syrup blended until creamy :)
i do love love love my blender idea. i feel amazing.
oh and i just finished drinking my green tea.
the rest of the day will be water and some vegetable soup mix (35 calories)
total for today: 135 calories.
weight: 153
go me :)
and tomorrow is no-calorie wednesday, and im going shopping with my friend all day and were gonna help each other not eat.
i have to be 150 by friday, because my bf invited me to olive garden :/ ive never been, and i really want to go, but i dont want to eat :/
but if im 150 by then, i'll let myself go, and then im fasting all weekend to get ready for school. no solids until monday night! i can do this!
i just wanted to say (yes, im gonna get mushy) as ive said before, i freaking love you uys. i have 61 followers now. o.o like, wow. its incredible that i went from having a secret place where i vented everything out and tracked my goals and stuff and i thought nobody would ever find it and after like a month of having a blog it was still unseen by the world and now im talking to people from different countries who share the same goals as i do and we all get along and help eachother through the tough times and we all congratulate people on reaching goals and this whole community is so uplifting and i feel surrounded by the most amazing people in the world, and it is an amazing feeling.

k im gonna go watch lady and the tramp now :)
bye loves <3

Monday, August 17, 2009


and that explains how my morning has gone since like 7am.. lol im such a dork (: I've "recycled" about 3 old tshirts, and I have about 4 more to do somethign with, and 2 pairs of jeans to alter, and an old yellow dress that I cannot get rid of even though it is huge.
to first off answer some questions:
When I go on liquid fasts I pretty much drink whatever I want but I keep it 500 calories or less. I usually stick with soymilk, v8 juice, and soup/broth but like not chunky soups with stuff in them more of the lquid kinds. Like the v8 tomatoe juice stuff I usually heat that up in the microwave lol cuz it's better that way. And I drink as much water as possible. I'm going to try this time to limit my caffeine to 1-2 cups of coffee per day and 1-2 cups of tea. Also this time I have realized that ice is my new God, because 1/2 of a 12 ounce bottle of v8 Fusion (75 calories) blended in a blender with ice is more filling, and less calories than just drinking all 12 ounces. And later I'm going to try that with soymilk and zero-calorie chocolate syrup. And then I'm probably going to have soup for dinner with some hot green tea. And I have not had my coffee this morning :o I know, I know, it's so weird for me, but I'm trying hard not to be come truly addicted just yet.
Today I feel like reflecting. Yes, I remember when I got to 160, and it was the best day of my life so far. And I have lost weight since then. And I feel like being even more motivational, and since it's Monday, I'm doing measurements again :D Yay!
I'm fucking ecstatic. So happy that I'm speechless.
I think I'm going to say that this morning I'm back down to 154, and leave this post at that :]

Sunday, August 16, 2009


ok, so the last few days..
actually ever since my last post, has sucked big fat hairy balls..
but i told myself i would not blog until i got down to 150 something...
im 156, my highest this week was 161, so im still ok..
and i started my liquid fast today instead of tomorrow, and im not going to eat until next monday.
i gtg in a biggg hurry sorryi loveu guys

Thursday, August 13, 2009

no-cal weds=successness oh yeah!

and im back to 154
yes, i did in fact just type out boo-yah :)
and yes, i have been bad today, but its ok, because today is an eating day, and as long as im under 500 calories total for today, i will be alive in the morning hopefully *knock on wood* weighing in at 153 pounds.
i had pancake flavored muffins. with syrup.
light syrup, but still syrup nonetheless.
250 calories max.
and im having miso-tofu soup tonight for dindin.
and water for lunch.
so, effin, excited.
however, my fast yesterday went amazing :) yay!!!
and i am racing with this awesome chica right here to see who reaches their sunday goal.
i wanna be 150 on sunday morning, she wants to be 140, think we can do it?
you betchya :D
i love you guys, but i gotta fly todayyyy
goin to the track later to burn off all this muffin energay (so i can lose this nasty muffin top!)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


ok so despite my huge attempt at not bingeing, i did anyways.
but thats ok because i am in a super good mood today and this equation right here is why:

1 pot of coffee+ 1 cup of splenda+ 2 tbs of zero-calorie chocolate syrup+ 2 trays of ice+ 1 blender= zero calories of guilt-free homemade starbucks!

holy shit.
i have stumbled upon a goldmine.

like it filled the whole entire blender all the way up, and i drank every last little bit of it, and it made me full. too full to even think about eating today :)

im going to market this idea, and set up my own shop, and call it like moonbucks or something :)
fat people would love me, and so would all the lovely anas out there :)
it would be a zero-calorie version of starbucks.
gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh im so hyper heheheheehheehheheheheeeee!

so anyways update real quick: i gained 7 pounds in like 30 minutes the other day, i got up to 161, now im back down to 156, which is ok ish, and today i have had (oh yeah!!!!! :D) zero calories (of awesomeness), and tomorrow i will keep it under 500 again, and the same for friday and saturday, and then fast sunday(like always) and then next week is the week before school starts (holy hell where did the summer go??????) and i will be hardcore bootcamp liquid fasting for that week and then over the weekend i will fast untill monday night after school.
i will be 150 or less i will i promise this to you to every single one of you i am so fucking determined i will do anything (...almost) to get there it will motherfucking happen.

oh yeah to those of you who read my last post, your amazing :) i love you :))

thought i would throw that in there.
i gotsta rekonize my peoples! lol

sorry that this post is all over everywhere, but im super mega hyperrrrrrrr

omg i have to tell you about what happened last night LOL!
ok, so my bf took me out to applebees for dinner (so sweet :)) and after a long day of fasting completely i figured it would be ok to eat a salad. and he made me feel really bad because he got cheesesticks, and he goes "you used to eat cheesesticks all the time and i feel bad because im eating them all and your not eating anything" and i was like yeah cuz my food isnt here yet.. and he was like.. idk trying to like guilt me into eating cheese i was like omg im vegan stop it thats so mean and then he tried to do the same thing with this dessert thingy and i was like no i dont eat anything with dairy im sorry and idk i just felt bad he was like oh come on you can not be vegan for one night...
wtf... like im sorry if youre not used to someone who doesnt like the idea of exploiting animals for cruel purposes and all the evil things humans do to them just makes me so upset and like if you can respect my choices then why the fuck are we together in the first place?!
but i felt really bad because it made him feel bad and i dont want him to feel like my choices are a burden on him or anything because they shouldnt be...
but anyways yeah i was definitely NOT going to eat anything other than my salad anyways because it came with like nuts on it and that alone pissed me off because it added so many extra calories to what could have been an amazing salad...
and then we were gonna go "hang out in a park" and "watch the sun go down" (aka have sex) but there were other people in both parks we went to, so we both ended up going home hornier than i have ever been in my entire life.
like wtf we could have done what we usually do and just did it in the car i mean jesus if your gonna make me eat a calorific salad the least you can do is give me a chance to burn some of those calories :/
but i didnt say anything about it, other than i had a really good time because well i did and i hadnt seen him in almost 2 weeks so i missed my baby sooo much and being with him always makes me happy no matter what and i really did have a good ime because weve never had like a for real dinner date thing before...
but yeah..

omg i have to catch up on everyone's posts ill blog more later lol

Monday, August 10, 2009

waiting for my mom to leave...

so i can try not to binge miserably omg i want food so bad but im a lot clmer now because ive been on here for about an hour reading and commenting and reading comments lol aww you guys are so awesome and im so glad to have this support system because seriously if i was still bloging to myself on here i probably would have stopped by now lol but yeah im 154 now cuz the other night i ate 2 bowls of cereal not really a binge but definitely ate more that day than i was supposed to but i only gained a pound from it so not really a huge deal i guess i just haven't lost it yet.. or at least i dont think so.
when my mo leaves im stripping and checking it to make sure.
and then hopefully im going to lay out and tan a little for maybe 2 hours or so idk yet
omg xthinforever there is definitely something in my sheets now thanks for sending me your spiders i woke up covered in red welps on my legs and feet and omg its so itchyyyyyy!!!

when i get a camera lol i will definitely post pictures! i really want to cuz if i see myself in pictures maybe i will be inspired.. by myself lol idk
im kind of out of it today

omg good news im going to have weight trainign all year this year so more exercise and pretty muscles :]
and i got all the classes i wanted :]]

but im so not ready to be a senior :(
i dont want to turn 18, or graduate, or go off to college :(
i want to go back to first grade. with peanut butter sandwiches and ice cream and flowers and finger paint :(

but its life i guess, i must learn how to deal. i got so overwhelmed at orientation today thats why i wanted to binge but i think im ok now ill just go with the flow as always..
my mom is on my ass about applying for scholarships idk where to even styart i know i can apply for loads of them i just dont know where to freaking begin :/
and then im gonna have to start applying for actual colleges.. liek where grown-ups go..
god i am so freaking scared iidek what i want to do with my life ughhh

if i get skinny i can just model for suicide girls or hot topic or something that would be pretty sweet.
and i dont have to go to college for that :D
jk, ill still go to college.
i want to be a runway hairdressers. but thats just a dream.

my life has too many dreams.
like this one.
when the fuck am i going to wake up one morning and finally be able to look in the mirror and see myself and not this fat ugly cow of a fuckign bitch ughhh
i want food
i want hummus
with spinach

or pancakes
or fucking tacos

i sound like a stoner.
*dude man lets fucking get some mother fucking tacos bro yeah*
flashback to better days :/

i think in some ways, we all want to be fat. we always talk about how gross fat people are and how much we hate them and how we do everything possible to not end up like 500 pounds...
but at least they know what people think of them.
and they are very strong people, because they take all kinds of shit from everybody about how big they are, and they still eat.
and if we were all fat, we could all eat whatever the fuck we wanted and know that tomorrow, we will still be fat, so why bother trying to be skinny?
besides, everyone else would be fat, so skinny would be "out".
and seriously, even when i binge, its only realy what like a normal fat person eats in one meal, so its not technically that big of a deal, and i think in some ways we all want to be fat that was my point idk i kind of rambled...

if youre still reading this i love you

im just going to keep on typing until something comes up because i really dont want to get out of this chair because i am surrounded by food all kinds of food
im in food-horny mode: i want to ravage my kitchen and make love to it in greedy hunger...

omg this girl is so motherfucking pretty and has a gorgeous voice:

and pokerface: i want to hear you sing!

one day i will be skinny enought to have the confidence to sing on camera, for all of youtube to see :)

i had coffee this mornign and like totally peed for like 22 seconds im not even kidding yay new record!!!
sorry anyways lalala

ok im not going to tan today im going to go to the track with my bestie yay for exercise!
but i really wanna just stay home and sleeeeeppp

yesterday was so good omg 0 calories yay
i accidentally ate some of my brother's pancakes this morning cuz i made everyone else some but not me cuz i didnt wanna eat yet..
thats why i wanna binge right now probably... but they were so good i ate them at like 8 oclock or something so im trying to fast until 8 oclock tonight i think thats a good idea.
then tomorrow me and my bestie are gonna make tiny vegan milkshakes. yay!
maybe.. idk... i might not go.. i dont want a milkshake though im scared idk i dont want to binge but i cant help it sometimes you know

wow this post is kinda long
omg my mom just left please let me be 154 or less


fuck im still 154 ughhhhh ive peed so goddmn much this morning that i know its definitely not water weight... ugh

omg its just one pound holy shit why am i so freaked out???? what is wrong with me?
im so scared omg i dont want to be fat again omg omg omg

NO! i cannot binge no binges nooooo
i wont let myself do it. i cant.

i think im ok now. i calmed down a little.

no food until after 8:00 tonight
except by then, ill be asleep :)

see my logic?


Saturday, August 8, 2009


b+ coffee (0 calories)
l+ 1/2 peanut butter sandwich (100 calories)
+ chocolate (95 calories)
+ soymilk (50 calories)
s+ mixed veggies (100 calories)
d+ 1 macadamia nut, 2 almonds, and 5 peanuts (50 calories)

total=395 calories

and i might have some tofu noodles with tomatoe sauce later, but i might not. idk yet. if i do my total will be like maybe 475 at most. yay!
and im going to drink like 3 more bottles of water because i havent met my quota of 5 bottles a day :/ ive only had 3, so im going to drink one extra one before bed, and i might have some tea :)
walking 1 hr minutes -325 calories
shopping 1 hr -150 calories
calisthenics 20 minutes -100
being alive 1 day -1875 calories

total output= -2450 calories

total calories for the day= -2055 calories

haha i love doing that :)
so yeah today was a good day i bought a really cute dress that fits really well and ill probably have to get it altered by the time i plan to wear it cuz ill be like ten pounds lighter hopefully by that time but yeah its so cute it looks kinda like this:
i soooo love rockabilly clothing its so amazing and the pinup style is definitely my favorite :)

and omg guess what my bmi is 24.7 so im not clinically overweight anymore!!!!!!!!! this is so awesome i could cry! just 8 months ago i was on the verge of morbidly obese o.o my bmi has gone down exactly ten points since then, and i look and feel so much better :)

and my jeans are half the size they used to be :)))




thank you guys sooo much for the comments i came on here cuz i seriously felt a mega binge coming on, but now its completely and totally gone!
you guys are so amazing and nice and you actually care and make me feel like i might actually be special to someone one day and i just feel really like mushy and feelings and stuff right now idk
im definitely posting my senior pics when i get them
ive never posted pics on here before...
im going to volunteer, and ill post when i get back cuz im late lolz
sorry ive been so bsy and havent been commenting you guys like usual and holy hell i have frikkin 54 followers wooooooooooo!

but before i go i leave exciting news: i can possibly make it to 150 by monday mrning.
cuz im 153 now!

so happy
so in love
with a perfect girl
her name is ana.

Friday, August 7, 2009

senior pitcherrrssss

my mom even commented on how much smaller i look :)
except when i was done i was like ohmygah fooooood
and i ate like 20 triscuits.. and some vegan chocolate..
but didnt go over 500 calories, and im going to the track right now!

oh, but before i go, you guys are awesome, and after the triscuits i was still 154, so i decided that the chocolate would be ok since i did so well this week :)

500 or less tomorrow?
water only on sunday :)
orientation monday, and i get to see all my friends that i havent seen in forever and show off myself for the first time :)

unless i get there waaay early before anyone else does..
i may just do that.
then come home and sleep :)

i love you guys <3

Thursday, August 6, 2009

woot ^___^

I am letting myself be pampered by... myself :)
For my senior pictures, tomorrow.. oh god..
But I'm doing so good I haven't eaten anything in 2 days and my tummy is getting flatter and flatter and it makes me soooooooooo happy :)
So to celebrate, I'm going to color my hair again, blonde on bottom, dark brown on top, and maybe mix it together in the middle? To add a new dimension to it :) I love doing hair I live for it it's my dream: to be a runway hairdresser. AAAAHHH I cannot wait to get my beauty license when I'm older and move to California.
And to be skinny. Lol.
Anyways so yeah those are the colors and I think I'm going to trim it up some cuz it's lookin a little old now.
Then I'm going to paint my nails, but I might do that tomorrow, and even though I'm reallt tan now cuz of it being summertime, I'm going to use some sunless tanner lotion to blend everything in better.
I finally pulled together some outfits for my pictures, there's three main sets outside of the yearbook pose. In one I'm totally doing like all the random things I love in my wardrobe: johnny cash tank top, my grandpa's hat, flannel shirt, blue converses, and skinny jeans, with my huge bright green earrings lol. Then I'm doing black and white rocker-ish stuff with a red background (my fave, since I get to wear my ramen shirt) ((I do love me some ramen mmmmmmm)). Then the last one is supposed to be formal ish but fuck that I'm not formal and all of my prom type dresses are way too huge now so I'm waering jeans and a tank top :)
I feel so good.
Omg I went through all the stuff in my closet today and I'm donating everything bigger than a size 12 b/c they don't fit. Yay! That was some great thinspo right there lemme tell ya.
I'm really hyper btw cantchya tell?
I'm waiting for my hair to dry so I can start coloring it :D
I think I might be 154 tomorrow 0.0 Cuz this morning the scale was like 154.5 ish but I do not trust my scale so I stuck with 155, which is plenty good enough for me anyways :)
I'm so happy omg I haven't had any calories for 2 whole days this is so awesome I feel so empty and free and light and happpppyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my phone charger broke :/

Oh well :D I got a new one :D
Stay strong peoples! We iz be awesome!!!
whoa.. 52 followers omg...
thank you so much :)
im happy :)

haha yay

So my friend and I have crawlde out of our rocks, and we looked around the mall, and here's what we have found:
-grunge is apparently "in" now, even though she and i used to have "nirvana love" days where we ripped our pants and wore flannel to school in like 7th grade... we were "in" before "in" was in :)
-cute is in: like bows and flowers and mixing girly-ness with the grungeiness (me likey)
-goth is apparently out now: fml, now i cant wear my tripps lol as if i still would wear them :) except they draw waaayy too much attention to myself and ive really only worn them twice :/
-music: yeah still dont know lol
although i loooove metro station. idk why i usually hate that type of music, but i really like them lol
guess the fuck what :DDD
Heather is in heaven right now, because 1)she feels soooooooooo empty :) and 2)because she weighs........... *insert dramatic drum roll here*

155 pounds!

I'm so happy.

oh and go here:
i wanna be like this girl :/ she's so cute and gorgeous and has an amazing voice and i really really want to make music soooo bad and be on youtube but i am void of video camera that works and a good enough voice...
my bf thinks im amazing, but hes supposed to cuz hes my bf... i disagree, i think i suck

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

malltime :)

My friend and I went to the track walked four laps and ran up one flight of stairs and decided that going to the mall to walk around for 4 hours was more fun and exciting :)
Plus, neither one of us has done anything at all all summer long :/
like seriously ive been living under the ana rock of food and i have no idea what there is to do anymore.
i dont know what music is good anymore.
i dont know what fashions are "in" or what bands are "in" or anything.
You guys should help me out with this. I don't want to scare everyone at school away with my endless rambling about food/diet/fasting and such...

So what's cool?

I kind of lost myself this summer. I'm living in a fantasy land.
I need to get out more :/


Someone told me I was their thinspo..
wow. Everytime I think about it, like.. yeah I have come pretty far I guess.
But something tells me I'm still not good enough for that. I'm not worthy of all you guys's praise and stuff.
I'm still fat and lazy and gross and horrible and really really ugly and idk maybe in a few months I will feel differently but right now I just feel like.. unworthy I guess.
Plus, I'm sooooooooooo hungry.
I like it. It feels nice. I love the contrast of bingeing and fasting like one minute I'm so full I could throw up without even trying and the next minute I'm so empty I could float away :) I love it.
Today is No-Calorie-Wednesday, and for the first time in almost a month, I'm actually going to do it. I feel so great about not having eaten today that I might just never eat again.
Who needs food anyways right? Eating is so overrated.
Nothing tastes this good.
I'm 157 again. Going to the track today, and hopefully I'll be at 155 tomorrow, but that's just wishful thinking. Just a mere prediction.
Even if it's only 156 then at least I'm back where I started.
But I'm going to work my ass of today and tomorrow at the track. I have to.
I ate yesterday. No more than 200 calories, but still food nonetheless. Soup, crackers, bread w/ peanut butter on it... yah, I suck.
But I figured since I fasted really well monday, and I'm going to do well today and tomorrow, if I don't eat anything by Friday after my photos then I'll eat some Ramen noodles.
They're the only thing I truly miss about eating normal.

But even still, they don't taste this good.

When I woke up this morning, I almost fell over because I got dizzy :) I love this feeling.
So storng, but so light and airy :)
I'm so glad I'm finally back to this.
Thank you thank you thank you, whoever you are.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


none of the people who are supposed to be my "bestest friends eveerrrrrr" ever talk to me during the summer.
nobody says hi on myspace.
nobody comments my pictures.
nobody cares about my facebook.

oh well. ill show them. im gonna be so fucking sexy when school starts, theyll wish they still knew me.


eee :)

im back down to 159. not good, but better than 163... which means now i only have to lose 9 pounds in 4 days...
chyeah right :/
ill be lucky if i get to 155. thats where i wanna be right now :/
i was so tiny and i felt so good at 156. just imagine me at 155. or 150.
like a hyper chiuhauha on crack, thats what. oh hllz yeah. :D
i decided to extend my fast to 12:00 pm, only cuz im not really hungry yet. i wanna wait untill im ravenous, and then tell my stomach to go fuck itself.
and maybe drink some soup.
onion soup mix- 20 calories per tbs
and you can add crushed red pepper for zero cals, and as much salt as you want tho i dont recommend doing that.
tastes so good on an empty tummy :)
maybe ill just wait untill tonight to eat/drink it. then tomorrow is no calorie wednesday again!
and absolutely no sodas this week. none at all.
and i still havent had any caffeine! this is amazing! i usually go through 2 pots a day! and ive been drinking water only for almost 2 days :) go me.
i might have coffee later though.
no, ill wait untill tomorrow.

prettywreck--- i wanna hug your head too!!!! that sounds like fun!!! lol

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i feel high right now. :)
i woke up frozen. i love that about water fasts :) and i put on sweat pants.
in florida. in the middle of sumer.
no, no, im not really on crack. im just loving feeling cold :)
oooo i might have some tea at 12 that sounds good :)
white tea with splenda. yummmm

i want to go to walmart and get some more akavar. i miss it. it helped with cravings. and i wanna get some niacin. and this stuff called chitosan. and some metamucil.
i need some money.
i need a job :/
when i get skinny i can just be a model :)
yay for water :)))
stay strong all you peoples <333

Monday, August 3, 2009

awww :)

All you people are so freaking amazing :)
How is everyone doing on their fasts? In Florida, it is approx 8:45 right now, and I've been drinking water constantly all day to help flush all the gross stuff I ate yesterday, and I feel so much better now because I haven't eaten in over 24 hours and gah I just feel so much better idk...
I so hope I've lost some weight by the morning though. I managed to be only 160 this morning, so I guess the water weight stuff wasn't so bad from yesterday, but then I drank four bottles of water, wore my heaviest jeans, and 3 shirts to the doctor's today, and he believes the scale when it says 170 :) So now my family has nothing to worry about until I go for my sports physical in November, and hopefully by then I'll be at 140 or less.
I took laxatives yesterday, even though I said I wouldn't, but I only took half and then I took half of the remaining half earlier today because seriously I just want it out like I can still feel stuff in there like settling and I need that shit to understand that it so cannot settle in my stomach or on my body at all, and it has to move out.
I want to feel empty again. I miss it so much.
I have to be 155 on Friday for my senior pictures. Why did I binge when I was soooo close????
But it's going to be ok, because if I liquid fast I can totally at least get to the point I was Sunday morning, when I felt so great after not having binged the night before.
I just like went through and read everyone's blogs and stuff and I feel alot more calm and relaxed now and I'm going to finish this bottle of water, then drink two more before I go to sleep, and do some exercises.
OH! I almost forgot: I started reading Animal Liberation today, by Peter Singer. AMAZING.
I've fallen in love with an Australian philosopher.
Stay strong everyone!! Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
Not even the pie in the fridge calling my name :)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

40 hours

Ok I've had enough I feel so fucking disgusting right now like I can feel the fat sliding down my esophagus and into my stomach and making me cringe because my tummy hurts so bad right now and now it's sliding right onto my tummy and my thighs and my already large enough ass and aaaaahhhh!!!!
I'm scared now.
What have I done?
I'm starting a 40 hour fast as of 4:00 pm today. No food untill at least 8:00 am on Tuesday morning. Then on to my liquid fast for the rest of the week.
I can do this.
If I can go six days without touching solid food, as I have many times before, I can surely do anything.
40 hours should be like nothing.
Some good news from today: I don't think I'm truly addicted to caffeine yet. I didn't have coffee/tea/diet soda at all today, and I didn't have a headache untill just now.
But that's because my brain is getting signals from all over my body telling me "WHAT THE FUCKKKK"
anyone wanna do a 40 hour fast with me?

:/ sorry if this triggers you

Oh well.
At least i won't be "too skinny", or have lost "a dramatic amount of weight" at the doctors. So my mom shouldn't be all suspicious or anything.
I'm out of laxatives finally.
kind of a good thing i guess.
Sad thing is, I'm not done yet, and I have senior pictures this Friday, so I'm going to do a liquid fast all week. Hopefully I won't gain too much weight.

love sleepovers

Yeah... it's Sunday... I'm supposed to fast today.. which means I'm not supposed to eat a huge fucking bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter and soymilk and fucking candy sprinkles on top wtf what kind of fucking fat kid puts rainbow candy sprinkles on oatmeal?????????
Idk even know how it happened, but I'm sure I stayed under or right around 500 so I'm still good for my limit now I just gotta watch my back (and my mouth) for the rest of today.
But yesterday was sooooo good and my friend and I spent like 3 hours looking at my collection of thinspo because we both wanted to binge so badly and I was like no, I'm not going to let you binge, because we don't deserve that yet and we didn't eat anything at all and when I woke up I was still 156 even though I ate so much yesterday and we didn't binge and it was so great and we were both so freaking happy and now I totally blew my fast today but that is ok because I haven't eaten since around 10 so I'll just fast for 30 hours like I was going to do for today...
Except I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for a check-up and my mom always goes into the room with me for some reason so she always sees when they weigh me and I really don't want her to know that I weigh 156 I want her to keep thinking it's more like 166 that way she doesn't get suspicious so I think I'm going to drink like a gallon of water before I go... and wear lots of layers.
Ok, it's going to be ok, I'm going to the track today, hopefully all day, and it will be fine, like the oatmeal never happened...
To all my new followers, HEYYY!!
Seriously, when I started this thing, I never thought anyone would read it. Ever. I have 44 followers! That is so cool. You guys are all so awesome and amazing and it's so great to know that
I'm not the only one.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

i haven't gone over 500 yuet.
i said i was going to do a liquid day but idk what came over me i had oatmeal this morning and that set me up for disaster..
then i was doing ok until mom wanted to watch movies and make popcorn..
and i said i wouldnt eat anymore untill tonight but i did i had a baked potatoe, veggie burger, broccoli..
so im at like 480 calories i canNOT go over today.
tomorrow is my 4 months anniversary. wow its kind of amazing i actually didnt get bored with him yet :] and he still likes me or he wouldnt be with me so maybe theres something here?
idk but i hope he has to work tomorrow b/c tomorrow is no calories, and i have to stick to it b/c i haven't lost any weight.
which is good b/c it means im still 156, lower than i've ever been in my ENTIRE life! which is amazing for me :]
and i just read everyones updates and tried my bestest to comment most of them and it is really a great distraction b/c ive found so many new people on here that will listen and at least try to understand.
thank you.
and now i have to go volunteer, and when i get home at 6:30 im hoping to go to my friend's house maybe and spend the night b/c i know if i go over there, or if she comes over here, that she wont make me eat food, and it will be easier to resist food knowing that she is doing the same and we can help each other resist.
god i love her. she sees me for me.
i love my crazy clown :]
anywho, im hoping maybe when i get home ill have tea and a shower and more tea and just go to bed yes thats the plan im so full of anxiety right now about not eating im going to stay on here as long as possible before i go get ready to leave that way i dont have time to eat
my stomach hurts from eating but i want more :'(