3 things:

1. no, im not almost down to 150, i gained 10 pounds, and now i am 160. and yes, my stomach looks eight months pregnant, still, because i have been mindlessly self-indulging in every peice of food in my house.

2. i dont feel sad because i binged, or because i gained all that weight. (ok well yeah i feel like it sucks but im not really sad today i guess idk.. im not gonna punish myself for it or anything)

3. i realised last night, for the first time, how much i think i might really feel for this guy. it's not like teenager "omg" puppy love or whatever
its like...
he records music, like local bands and stuff, in a studio, and i was just.. watching him i guess last night like in his zone that he goes into. its like his true state of being. and i almost cried because he was so beautiful, and because i was so filled with all kinds of emotions.
no, he's not prince charnming.
yes, he has pimples, and a potbelly, and a happy trail, but he also has strong arms that hold me tight and the warmest brown eyes that i could just melt into.
he's such a.. real person. there is nothing fake about him. he is his own person, he doesnt follow the rules of society. when he wants to be immature, he is. he's quirky, and caring, and adorable, and gentle, and strong, and silly, and dumb sometimes, but also one of the smartest people i know.
he's not smotheringly romantic, but he isn't cold and shut off either.
he is so perfectly imperfect, and my favorite things about him are things everyone else would find weird about him, or unnattractive.
he always understands what im talking about when i ramble aimlessly about random things that make no sense even to me. but they make sense to him.
we can go on dates, and not speak any words almost the whole time, but so many things are said just by looking into his eyes, like i can read his thoughts without him speaking.
and when he looks into my eyes i feel like he sees who i really am.
not the me i show to everyone else, but the me that truly is.
when were together, we dont have to be doing anything, we just exist, and its perfect.
last night, while i was watching him work, i realised just how special he is to me.
yes, we say the "l" word, but last night when i got out of his car, and he kissed me and said i love you, and i said i love you too, i felt like i really meant it. for the first time, i think i actually experienced the most amazing feeling i ever have in my life.
we've known eachother for 3 years, and the past 5 months since we've been dating, i feel myself falling more and more into love with him.
he gets even more special, even more beautiful, even more perfect, everytime i see him.
sometimes i feel like, even though to most people he is an average joe type of guy, he is far too perfect for me. he's too sweet, too beautiful.

and then i get sad because i wish i were better for him.
maybe he thinks im perfect too, but even if he does, i wish i felt better about myself for him.
i dont want to be the sad girl with the lowest self esteem ever possible and the worst body image always putting myself down for failing, but i dont know how to not be sad about myself.
ive always been the fat girl and deep inside i think i will always feel too fat because ive always been too fat and my brain doesnt understand that im losing weight so im not morbidly obese anymore.

and i can see myself heading down this path of destruction.

and he's too good for that. i dont want to let him down like that.
i need to fix myself.
and i promise to him that i will one day.

i'm just not ready yet.