Sunday, May 31, 2009

I hate doing shows. People are so nice and offer to buy you food for dinner because "You haven't eaten all day, I know you're starved!!" If they only knew. However, until yesterday, I had fasted for five days. Again. It's so weird, sometimes I can go five days, no problem, and other times it's like I can't even do one. But anywho, I'm starting over again, after I go burn like 2000 calories. I ate so much yesterday. I just know I gained weight back. I got down to 174. Now I'm probably 180 again :( But I won't get on the scale untill after I burn 2000 calories. That is my goal today. If i jump rope for an hour, I can burn up to a thousand. Then I'll have to do something else.. like... idk yet.
I just learned that if I run 7 miles an hour for 229 minutes, I can lose a pound. If I do an elliptical machine, or a stationary bicycle for 232 minutes, I can lose a pound. If I jump rope for 4 hours, I will lose a pound. If I run 5mph, for 312 minutes, I will lose a pound. If I jog for 377 minutes, I can lose a pound. If I rearrange furniture all day, for seven hours, I will lose a little over a pound. And if I walk 4mph for 512 minutes, I can lose a pound.
Omg. Really??? This is amazing. If I do all this exercise over a week, like fit in all of the above, spread out over a week, I can lose 8 pounds..... AMAZING. And probably more if I don't eat!
Holy shit.
So, I'm going to jump rope twice today, for thirty minutes each time. I"m going to do this every day for the next week, and see what happens. And I'm going to continue to do calisthenics, because these exercises (situps/crunches, squats, lunges, pushups) tone muscles. Which is what I'm looking for. Because there is no way I'm ever going to be a body builder.
Oh, I also found out that I have a medium sized frame. Which sucks. But oh well, I can't help the size of my bones, just the amount of shit I put on them. And for the next week, this amount will be nothing. I have to get down to 170 by Friday. I absolutely have to. It was my first goal. I have to do it. I must. If I don't, I am a failure at life. But I can't think about the what-if's. I WILL do it. I will. as far as I know, it's only about five pounds which is nothing if I'm exercising everyday. I'll come back later and let you know what happens.
I love you. Well, to the only person who reads this anyways...
But hey, as long as someone cares, right?
OH! and before I forget, here is where I get all my info:

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Yesterday, I ate a small bite out of a muffin. I feel so bad. :( But today was really good. I had my 50 calories of v8 juice this morning, 70 calories of soymilk, and I just finished my favorite new treat, a popsicle, sugar free, with only 10 calories! That's only 130 calories! And I had weight training class, and I had to walk for 45 minutes from my bus stop, which burned anywhere from 170 to 300 calories!!! Yay :DDD So now I'm at a deficit. It's always good to end the day on a deficit. That means I get to work less hard tomorrow. Except, if I work really hard tomorrow, I get an even bigger deficit. When there's 3500 calories of deficit, I lose a pound of fat :DDD Go me :D
Except, I almost passed out today in weight training class. I got really dizzy again. But oh well. I think I'm going to do squats today too. I want to tone my body as well, not just let it eat itself away. Well.. maybe eventually, when I lose enough to be really skinny, so I can see my beautiful bones, but that won't be for a while because I'm so overweight. I hope it doesn't take too long though. Maybe by the end of summer I can be my goal at a size 5!! And hopefully be down to like 150 pounds at the most. I just have to keep exercising, and keep starving. Liek the title says, I'm starving myself pretty, and I won't stop untill I get there. I don't know how long that will be. I do know that I'm telling all my friends that my goals are 150 lbs/size 5, but honestly, I want to be like 140 or less, maybe even a size zero one day. I've never been a size zero in my life... I wonder what it feels like... I really hope one day I will find out because right now my body sucks and its fat and gross and it jiggles when I walk and my stomach is so huge and round and chubby and jello-y and it jiggles like santa clause only worse ughhhhhhh
No, I won't think of that. Only the beauty that lies beneath all that. I can hear her in there screaming to break herself free from this horrid lard that engulfs her. She's suffocating, and it's my job to dig her out. I will carve away all of this disgusting flab and let her be free, and show the world her beauty. Right now this flab is squishing her, drowning her in its squishy juices. Nobody can see her beautiful body, her clean and pure and little bones, because she is stuck beneath all of this nastiness that has become me. Don't worry , I know you're in there. I'll set you free.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Soooo, today is no-calorie Wednesday! And I'm well on my way to finishing this day off with at least a 1,000 calorie deficit. Go me! I faked eating all day by throwing food away, and by leaving dishes in the sink. And mom still doesn't suspect a thing.
And up untill probably sunday I won't be too pressured to eat anything :D And now I have to go exercise. Here's the plan:
stretch 10 minutes - 50 cals
jumping jacks 20 minutes - 120 cals
jumprope 30 minutes - 400 cals
weight lifts 10 miuntes - 80 cals
crunches 10 minutes - 100 cals
pushups 10 minutes - 100 cals
other calisthenic stuff 10 minutes - 60 cals

Acording to this calorie counter ( I burn between 2190 and 2470 calories a day, just with my body's normal processes and going to school and stuff. Since it takes 3500 calories burned to lose one pound of body fat, this information means that I have to burn an extra 1310 to 1030 calories a day. I was thinking, since I learned that with my weight, sleeping for eight hours burns about 600 calories, that if I burn at least 1000 calories a day, then I should be able to lose a pound a day or more. If I exercise like this everyday, then I will burn 900 calories a day, in only 100 minutes, which is only like an hour and a half! The other hundred could be burnt off just by showering and like brushing my teeth and stuff. Isn't that neat? I can plan out my whole day and tell approximately how many calories I will burn. I love that!
Oh my gosh my stomach just growled. I heard that when your stomach growls, its burning calories. There's another few burned off! Yaaayyyyy!!
I'm so high on empty right now. It fels so exhilerating that I haven't had a single calorie all day, and even though I'm already at a deficit, I'm about to go burn off more.
I wish everyone strength, peace, and happiness!!!
Good night :D

Saturday, May 23, 2009

poems i found online somewheres..

Ana's Weight Loss Program
Somebody save me from this voice
It makes me diet, I have no choice
Every calorie I dare to consume
Must be tallied, or I am doomed
Consuming more than the voice allows
Means I will be forced to get rid of them NOW
The voice is called Ana, and she is my guide
For better or worse, she remains by my side
When I was fat she took me in
During that time she was my only friend
She gave me the strength to lose the pounds
Through my worst moments, in her solace was found
I pray to her when I am weak in will
Take daily communion of water and diet pills
Pennence means exercising until I drop
And above all else, I must not stop
She may be harsh, always demanding perfection
As a teacher, she points me toward the right direction
The lessons are strict, the punishment unforgiving
But when I graduate I will finally begin living
The diploma is thinness, and beauty to match
But in order to graduate there is just one catch
A well kept secret that all Ana students hide
you will not graduate until after you have died
Because the spirit is as thin as you can be
And our weight must be at it's lowest, you see.
So when you are gone, and your spirit can soar
You will literally have a body that is to die for

My Quest To Be Thin
I get home from school
I feel high from hunger
I've only had water today
I've been doing so well
I put down my bag
And walk down the hall
The kitchen is calling my name
I feel my self-control waver
I can't ignore itI open the cupboard
And reach for the cookies
I freeze with the bag in my hand
Ana is screaming at me
I continue to open the bag
And pull out the thing I really want
I take a nervous bite
It just tastes so good
Ana is furious
I know I should stop
But it's harder than it sounds
I was strong yesterday
But I was weak today
I know I'm fat
And that cookie was a mistake
I run to the bathroom
Lock the door
Turn on the taps
And drop to my knees
I don't want to do this
But I don't have a choice
I put my finger down my throat
Once I start I know I can't stop
Today is the dayAna and Mia met
They will become close friends
In my quest to be thin

You are to me.
You are my seduction, my temptation
My every waking moment
And the temptress of my dreams
You give me life and weigh me down
And you taste so bittersweet
You're my addiction, that I can't live without
You're my love, my Master
I'm chained to you, awaiting your torture
You tease me and taint me
And I keep coming back for more.
You're my only satisfaction
But every silver lining has a cloud
You are the reason I hate myself
The reason I tear at my flesh
And wish for my skeleton
You are the reason I am not perfect
I crave you every second
But I must have the strength to abstain
And success is acid on the tongue
Why does failure taste so sweet?
Why is love so cloying, so heavy
Why do you do this to me.
You are the blood in my veins
The breath in my lungs
The hole in my heart
You are food
And that's the saddest part.

feel better

I let my body die
My eyes don't need to cry
Look at me and ask "Why?"
I need to live this life
I like to feel empty
With nothing inside of me
Anything for beauty
To set the girl inside me free
I'll starve my life away
Because it makes me feel better,
And I want to feel beautiful
I'll make it there one day
Because one day I'll feel better
When I feel beautiful
Each day's a harder fight
I need more than sleep at night
Even with all my might
I must resist the first bite
I need to take control
It eats away my soul
This hunger takes it's toll
Please hold me, I'm getting cold
I'll starve my life away
Because I want to feel better,
I need to feel beautiful
I know I'll get there one day
One day, I'll look better,
And I will be beautiful.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Fuck my life. This weekend sucked soooo bad.
First, this morning, my baby goes "you didnt eat anything last night, I know you're starving, let's go eat breakfast!" So we went to this really cool diner type place and the food was good I guess.. I ate this omelet thing with a lot of veggies in it and whole-weat pancakes and some grapes.. it was actually pretty good, just like oily as fuck and waaayyy too eggy and too cheesy but then, what is an omelett but oil eggs and cheese... I tried to go to the bathroom and throw it up but I couldn't do it. I tried, but it took forever because I don't really have gag reflexes, so I was just like fuck it :(
Then later on today his family had this little get-together, and he was like "ooh try some of this it's really good" and he made me "try" like everything at least one and a half times, and I didn't have time to try to throw up because we had to go to his show. :(
ugh so I'm definitely going to consume NO calories at all untill wednesday, when my babe is taking me to a dinner theater to see "Footloose". Why does he eat so much? How does he eat so much?!?!?! I wish my body was a vacuum :((
I'm going to go do some double-entendre exercise now.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


So I haven't posted in a while, and I'm really sorry, but nobody reads this anyways, so whatever. Anyways, today will be the seventh day that I haven't eaten any food. I've been liquid fasting for the whole week, and guess what?!?!?! I'm down to 170!!!! I really haven't been this little since sixth grade, and I'm a junior now. Go me :D
the only problem is, today I'm going out with my boyfriend, and he ALWAYS wants to get food, but it won't be untill after 5 ish so I'll just tell him I ate dinner already. I'm going to the mall with my best friend ever and I'll just say I got something from the food court :D
I think my family has noticed that I haven't been eating right, even though I'm hiding food in the trash can, and down the toilet, and all that stuff... But oh well because I don't care :D
I feel so empty. I love this. I remember in like freshman year I used to feel empty, but for other reasons, and I hated it. I hated being fat and gross and weird and my grandpa dieing, and not having any real friends and it just sucked.
But this empty, I could get used to this. I fucking love it. It's like if I really wanted to, I maybe could walk on water.
No, not quite. I'm still fat. But not for long!
Hey, best friend, after we each lose ten pounds, we should go to dairy queen, order one small bilzzard and one small fry, and split it. Just for celebration :)
fasting has helped me realize that no, I don't need to be fat. I don't need food. I don't always have to be gross. I can see a new self. Last night I dreamed I was on the runway, with perfect bones and I was so beautiful. At first, I could never imagine myself skinny, because I've never been there, but gradually the peices of my new body are taking shape in my mind. I cannot wait to be beautiful.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


fuck my life!
so, i got down 20 pounds and i am totally plateauing, which may be a good thing since i know i can maintain my current weight, but for a month i have done zero fasting :(
so i started again today and im gonna go untill tomorrow.
because my boyfriend likes to eat :/
so i know we'll go out...
but i'll get a salad. nd eat like half. and then fast untill monday.
im starting a new plan:
2-day fast, 2 days of eating
3-day fast, 2 days of eating
4-day fast, 2 days of eating
5-day fast, 2 days of eating
4-day fast, 2 days of eating
3-day fast, 2 days of eating
then repeat.
this is going to be my new regime.
and on days when i must go out with my boyfriend, i will eat very very very little, or very very healthy, or a combo of both.
life sucks.
i need to lose ten pounds by summer.