This picture pretty much encompasses everything my eating disorder entails. Every emotion is right there: sadness, insanity, depression, helplessness...
I had my first panic attack in a really long time today. Right in the middle of first period, I ran to the bathroom, crying my fucking eyes out, because life smacked me right in the chest and took my breath away, and it hurt really really bad. These things occurred to me: It's October 30, and the application for the only 3 colleges I have any chance of getting into are November 1st, November 13th, and some other time in november. And I havent even applied to any colleges yet. And i havent applied to scholarships yet. And so i called my mom, she came to my school to pick me up, and i cried like a fucking 3 month old baby all the way home poor me why didnt i do these things earlier. Then, when i got home, i ate. and ate. and ate. and applied to all three colleges, and ate some more.
And then i felt a little better knowing at least the applications were finished, now i just have to get my transcripts and stuff in order.
normally, being dirt poor doesnt bother me. i actually enjoy it most of the time, because its less of a hassle when i dont have to worry about wearing expensive clothes, or looking perfect all the time, or whatever. material things dont matter.
but now, i realize, i cant even apply to college, because im too poor to pay the fucking application fee????? like seriously this is fucking ridiculous college tuitions are expensive enough as it is, and even though yes its only 30 dollars an app thats a whole almost hundred dollars for all three applications, and even if i apply i might not get in, so thats like wasting 30 dollars right into thin air.
i might as well be a drug addict, and waste money that way.
not like i would get into university of florida anyways, theres nothing special about me.
oh, except for that my admissions essay was based on fucking childhood obesity and the things that being fat have taught me.
tahts pretty fucking pathetic when the most important thing in my miserable fucking life is this goddamned monster thats consuming me and hes the only thing i really feel passion enough to write about.
i cant even fathom making true love to my boyfriend anymore becuase the whole time im constantly thinking to myself oh god im fat please dont let him be looking at my stomach or my thighs no just look into my eyes and stay there so i know your not looking ugh it fucking sucks.
binge. i feel it coming. and sine i know its coming, im going straight to my room to exercise.
but that will only relieve this insanity until i wake up tomorrow, sore and tired from the exercise, and from passing out from too much exercise. then ill have a whole day of trying to avoid eating as much as possible, which will be harder than usual because fucking tomorrow is fucking halloween and there will be fucking candy every fucking where.
and i just know my costume will look motherfucking horrible on me now because i ate so much today when i got home.
i hate that food is a fucking comfort, but that the comfort of biscuits and noodles and chocolate only lasts until i realize that all the food is fucking bad for me.
and that just makes me want fucking more food.
i want this to end. i want to eb happy one day. i want to be skinny and be able to eat normally like everybody else one day. i want to graduate college and have a job and marry the love of my life and be able to make sweet passionate love to him, real love, and have babies with him and not be consumed by this monster all the time.
the first step of this is applying to college, and i cant even do that. god must have thought he was a real fucking joker when he put all this on me. wanna good laugh? lets tune into the heather channel today, see how shes holding up.