Thursday, March 24, 2011


idk why, just cuz i guess. i look slightly different than the last photos i updated, but i can't tell how, because i haven't lost or gained weight and i dont know if ive gained muscle or lost muscle so idk but theres me now lol
arms, legs ugh...
i have a pudge on my stomach. actually, you cant see it because im wearing clothes, but my stomach is the worst part, because i have loose skin and stretch marks from losing so much weight and not working out enough to have abs :/
but one day!!! i shall be sexy :D

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

im just gonna let some things out.

i can't sleep. i went running today. i burned all 700 calories that i ate. i can't sleep. and i'm watching reruns of the show heavy on a&e. and there's a woman on right now who was molested as a child and she got up to over 400 pounds. and they were doing this exercise where they were burying all the foods they used to be addicted to in a huge pile of dirt and she kept saying how she wasted 20 years of her life because of the trauma she went through as a child and how she doesn't want to waste her life anymore.
and all my life, that's what i was doing to myself.
when i was 215 pounds, when i started starving myself, i thought that would make me ok, and that losing weight would make everything better because all i wanted was to be skinny.
i went from one fucking extreme to the next and neither are good and idk how to get to that happy medium because i don't even know what happy is.
i remember when i was really little, sitting on the beach just me and my mom playing with barbie dolls. i would give anything to get back to there because that's what i think happiness is. and then she met my brother's dad and everything between then and now used to be a huge black void of my life that i tried so hard not to remember and lately it's been all i think about. how much pain he caused me, and all the shit he did to me, and all the shit he did to my mom.
the lady on tv said she always felt damaged because of what happened, but that the food she was eating was her fault.
i can't change what happened but i can change how i've been treating myself lately. starving doesn't work in the long run. unless you die. eating doesn't work in the long run, because you die. throwing up doesn't work because in the long run you die.
i don't want to die. i've been a living dead girl for 10 years of my life and i don't want to be that person who tortures herself anymore. i starve because it makes me feel like i'm good at something. i cook food because i'm amazing at it but then i eat it and feel like a failure. and when i do choose to throw up i feel like it's ok because at least i'm good at throwing up but then i still have failed my body because i'm tearing the linings of my organs to pieces but i can't stop. i don't know how to eat food or live like a normal person.
and sometimes i really want to get better but the therapists and the nutritionists and the counselors are all so unrealistic. nothing is going to make me better. i feel hopeless. i feel like nothing i do is going to get me to where i want to be because i don't know anything about myself at all because i've been a zombie for so long that i don't have dreams or goals or things to look forward to. most of me just wants to graduate and have a family.
but to start a family, i need a husband, and to find a man willing to marry my horrible self i need to be attractive.
but i've never felt attractive, so how can i even fathom what that means?
another lady on the show said that on her wedding day she weighed 88 pounds.
what the fuck.
i've been crying for the past like 3 hours over nothing. everything, and nothing at the same time.
i really want to eat right now but i'm not going to because i'm going to eat less calories tomorrow than i did today. that will be my ultimate goal, to eat at least one calorie less than i did the day before. i need to lose the fat that is gripping my body. it's holding onto my bones so tight but when i look in the mirror everything looks so fucking loose and saggy and fat and it jiggles when i walk it even jiggles when i cry because i've been crying so hard.
i wonder how many calories crying burns?
i haven't been to my chorale class in 2 weeks, and i don't think i'm going this week either, because i've been swamped with so much homework, and i don't have a ride to the after school rehearsals. i probably will fail the only class that i'm good at. i am such a failure.
i had one good day today, and i'm still a failure. that means the food isn't the variable that i need to be changing. but i still don't know what that is yet, so i will make the food the constant in this equation.
i need more toning exercises. anybody know any good ones?
i love you guys, i miss you, and as soon as i have more time i will catch up on your blogs. i hope nobody has forgotten about me <3

Sunday, March 13, 2011

take that

i walked 5 miles today.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

just when i think there is no hope in the world you guys change my mind <3
none of you know me. i dont know any of you. but i feel like if we met in person it would be the happiest day of my life. like finally someone understands :/
i never meant to say that any of you wanted me to be sick, btw, i just meant that i always come on here all determined and shit like im going to actually do something productive but then i fail and i end up right where i started and its always this endless cycle of madness

today sucked really bad
not on the outside, just on the inside i guess
im taking this philosophy class that is literally driving me insane. it's called "philosophy of existentialism". basically its all about what it means to be alive and to exist and does god exist and what 'being' means and all kinds of stuff that i dont feel ready to think about...
and like taking the class is forcing me to think about it and all its doing is making me sadder because my whole life never really existed until i found ana but in retrospect ana wont fulfill my life but its still the only thing that makes me feel alive. like before ana i dont even have any real memories because i basically made myself a zombie after what happened and i was perfectly fine but then i realized i wasnt fine and so i lost 70 pounds and now im still overweight still unhappy and still nonexistant. how the fuck does someone lose 70 pounds and still be medically considered overwiehgt like wtf all my efforts mean nothing anymore.
and then the whole question of existance like who the fuck am i i dont even have a 'self' because my whole life has been either me trying to hid a deep dark secret, or me trying to hide myself from the world, or me trying to lose weight and sure losing the weight was an accomplishment but now i feel like it wouldnt matter what size i am because im still never going to knwo who i am because all i have ever been is lies and secrets and hiding and i dont want to hide anymore but going out seems way to scary right now and then once i get out there what am i going to show people?
a hollow empty shell of an existence. i feel like i am nothing. i dont have any real talents or abilities, and i dont have any interest in anything except food and weed and starving. which is the wierdest combo ever, moght i add, because starving all day long and then getting high and bingeing makes me so unhappy and happy at the same time.
ill finish this later bf is here :/