Tuesday, March 1, 2011

just when i think there is no hope in the world you guys change my mind <3
none of you know me. i dont know any of you. but i feel like if we met in person it would be the happiest day of my life. like finally someone understands :/
i never meant to say that any of you wanted me to be sick, btw, i just meant that i always come on here all determined and shit like im going to actually do something productive but then i fail and i end up right where i started and its always this endless cycle of madness

today sucked really bad
not on the outside, just on the inside i guess
im taking this philosophy class that is literally driving me insane. it's called "philosophy of existentialism". basically its all about what it means to be alive and to exist and does god exist and what 'being' means and all kinds of stuff that i dont feel ready to think about...
and like taking the class is forcing me to think about it and all its doing is making me sadder because my whole life never really existed until i found ana but in retrospect ana wont fulfill my life but its still the only thing that makes me feel alive. like before ana i dont even have any real memories because i basically made myself a zombie after what happened and i was perfectly fine but then i realized i wasnt fine and so i lost 70 pounds and now im still overweight still unhappy and still nonexistant. how the fuck does someone lose 70 pounds and still be medically considered overwiehgt like wtf all my efforts mean nothing anymore.
and then the whole question of existance like who the fuck am i i dont even have a 'self' because my whole life has been either me trying to hid a deep dark secret, or me trying to hide myself from the world, or me trying to lose weight and sure losing the weight was an accomplishment but now i feel like it wouldnt matter what size i am because im still never going to knwo who i am because all i have ever been is lies and secrets and hiding and i dont want to hide anymore but going out seems way to scary right now and then once i get out there what am i going to show people?
a hollow empty shell of an existence. i feel like i am nothing. i dont have any real talents or abilities, and i dont have any interest in anything except food and weed and starving. which is the wierdest combo ever, moght i add, because starving all day long and then getting high and bingeing makes me so unhappy and happy at the same time.
ill finish this later bf is here :/


  1. That sounds like a really interesting class. I really enjoy Emerson and he was big into existentialism. But I feel like the exact same meaning nothing sometimes, like insignificant and what are all my efforts for? So crazy. You're awesome though.

  2. That class sounds epic! It also sound like a total ass-raping BITCH! D:

    You like food, right? I bet you're a kick-ass cook when you feel like cooking ^.^ I read somewhere once that people who are obsess with food become chefs or ED patients. Go figure! o.O

    It sounds like you're nearing an 'AHA!' moment. Best of luck to you in getting to it and flashburning your phoenix self into a new phase of life.

    I've missed you, love. I don't want you to be sick but I still wanna hear from you <3