Saturday, September 26, 2009

doin sooo good right now

coffee with non-dairy creamer: 70 calories
banana: 110 calories
salad: 80 calories
pita bread with hummus: 250 calories
total: 510 calories

cereal with soymilk: 150 calories
coffee with creamer: 50 calories
apple: 100 calories
salad with veggie burger: 150 calories
total: 450 calories

today's weight: 151 pounds
I might have a cookie later, after I volunteer, just to treat myself :]

I'm going to be 145 on the day of my party.
I feel so strong.
Like this chick :D

Friday, September 25, 2009

i have the best friends in the world.

no lie. I don't care who you are, or how great you think your friends are, because mine are 100% better :] every single one of them.

I went to school on my birthday. And my best friend ever gave me an awesome cd, and we listened to it and danced the whole way to school. And her card was amazing. It had an old guy dancing on a table, and it said "You're only as old as you feel" And it took everything inside of my to not cry. I was laughing so hard, because the guy looked really funny, but the thought made me want to bawl my eyes out.

Also, my ana buddy is amazing. She has helped me through so much. And I can only hope I've been just as helpful to her as well.
And of course, to everyone who has ever commented my blog, you guys are awesome too.

So what if I was 160 for most of this week. So what if I felt horrible at times.
Cuz right now, I'm back to 153, with 147 just around the corner.
And 145 after that :]
Cuz I'm having a birthday party next friday, and I have to look my best for it because it's a rave/pool party :]]]]] I'm so excited.

And today was a good day.
And no, being 18 does not feel any different than being 6. Except for I have boobs now... and I can sign myself out of school early :{D
AND, I can buy porn if I want. And cigarettes. And diet pills. And condoms. And anything I want, including a house. But only if I want to. And most of those things I don't want or need right now.
I've been thinking alot lately, and had I used laxatives this weekend, I would still only be 153 today. Which makes me glad I didn't use them, especially because I know that I'm not dependant on them yet, and I never will be because I'm going to stop using them.

my boyfriend took me out to dinner for my birthday. And he bought me the prettiest white gold heart necklace with diamonds in it. And it's real o.o and I wear it every day :] And he is amazing.

And yes, birthday sex is definitely the best kind in my experience thus far. And he told me I was sexy even though my stomach was all full of grossness from bingeing. Even though I was 160.

And this post has no real direction, just random things to keep me online until I decide to go exercise. And then I'm off to volunteer at the pet rescue shelter. And when I get home I'm going to have the most amazing salad ever. Because I have only had coffee and a banana and a spoon of peanut butter today.

And I'm reading Twilight... to keep me I will NOT binge this weekend, like I have been seeming to do every single weekend since school has started.
This weekend will be different, because it's Friday, and usually I'm all sad on Fridays, but today I am really happy :]

And I am going to read you guys's blogs soon I promise. Sorry it's been a week. I've been thinking and adjusting things alot lately.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

tomorrow i turn 18

and my life will be so over.

i've been really sad lately, because i don't want tomorrow to happen. ever. i want to be small and childish and naive and ignorant of everything in the world.

and i dont want to go to school tomorrow. i want to stay home and eat poptarts and watch the little mermaid and blow bubbles.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

vicious cycle

*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*open fridge, close fridge*
*open freezer, close freezer*
*open pantry, close pantry*
*wake up, repeat*
*12 stool softeners*

gained: 6 pounds.

birthday goal: to not kill myself.
this week's goal: find 149 again, if possible.

goodbye, low numbers.

"hello, mr. heartache, i've been expecting you.
come in, and wear your welcome out, the way you always do.
you never say if you're here to stay, or only passing through,
so hello, mr. heartache, i've been expecting you."

wait a minute, at the start of this week, i was 157 ish. now i'm 155.. so technically, i lost 2 pounds, right?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i'm so weak right now

like you don't even know. But in a god way? Like... I slept for 12 hours last night, and still felt really titred. Then I literally chugged 2 pots of coffee. TWO POTS! I've never had that much coffee before. Needless to say, people thought I had taken speed before school Lol. But yeah then a few hours later I stood up and it was like everything from my old routine came right back to me: I stand up when the class bell rings, almost faint but don't, then walk to my next class out of pure memory because I can't really see anything because I'm convinced I'm half-unconscious from being so light-headed.
I love this part. It's my favorite part of all. Like I'm a fairie, or a ghost, something from some otherworld unknown to mortal humans.
Yes, immortal describes it perfectly :] I could do this forever.
152 pounds today. I'm right on track to being 147 if I keep losing a pound a day until Monday. I honestly have no clue what I will do if I see any number below 150. I'll be so happy. I've never weighed that in my whole entire life. This is probably the best thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.

We had to write a college admissions essay for english class, and I worte about being determined and strong-willed due to the effects of mean nasty children in elementary school.
I wrote about how I was swinging on the playground one day in 3rd grade, and the chains from the swing dug into my stomach because I was so big, and my favorite new shirt was already too tight, and so the chains made nasty stains on my new shirt and I was sad. And then, I tried to get out of the swing but I was stuck. And nobody ever swung next to me because I was fat, and so nobody was there to help me. I struggled to get out of the swing for like ten whole minutes and then I looked up and saw three of the pretty popular girls laughing their fucking asses off at me becaue "The fat girl got stuck in the swing again!!!"
I remember that night like it was fucking last night. It stuck with me all this time.
I went home, skipped dinner, and cried myself to sleep.
I was only like 10 years old, I didn't know that the food my family bought was the reason I was fat. But then, growing up with an entire family full of southern-conservative-baptists, who would know right from wrong? I had been brainwashed to think that greasy bacon and huge burgers with waaaaayyyyy too much extra cheese, and eating half of a whole fucking cake was normal, but it's not normal. It's not healthy. And realising that is the reason why I'm vegan now, and partly why I starve myself.
The other part has to do with control/trust/other issues I have with food, people, the world, my mom, etc...
I won't get into details about that, but yeah that's what I worte my essay on. And how it impacted me to lose 60 pounds and how that has made me a stronger person.
My teacher really liked it alot. I got an A on it :]

Good news! I'm 152, and I got my senior pictures back! I'll post those as soon as I get them uploaded!
Good luck to all my pretty girls and boys <333

Monday, September 14, 2009


back down to 154 :)

and being inspired by this:

and i havent had any calories at all since i ate 5 poptarts on saturday :)


I want to be 147 on my birthday, in 7 days. 7 days, 7 pounds.
I got this :)

I burned 500 calories the other day on my bike btw.
I'm off to do that again right now :]]]

I love you all!!!!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

ok, you know what?!

fuck life. fuck people caring. fuck trying to hide this.
all that matters right now is me. my life, my body, my feelings, my goals.

nothing is going to stop me.

im going to be fucking skinny, no matter what it takes. i will weigh 123 pounds, and eventually 111 pounds, because that's my goal, and so far in my life i have half-assed everything. and im not going to be just half-ass in my personal goals, and im definitely not going to half-ass myself.

after a horrible last few day (as you may have guessed), and after some kickass thinspo from my amazing ana buddy, i am more determined now than ever.

as soon as my mom leaves, im going to ride the exercise bike for as long as i can stand. it's in front of the tv, so i'll just put in a movie and not let myself get off untill the movie's over. that should set me straight for a while.

im fasting starting right now. for as long as i can fucking take it. and im going to post blogs every single day until my birthday. i'm going to go brush my teeth, drink a gallon of water, and burn at least 300 calories on the bike thing.

mom just left.
here i go.

i am a magician: now you see me, now you don't.
my disappearing act begins now.


can i not stop eating omg i feel like a garbage disposal.. grosssss

tomorrow is sunday. fasting on sunday. yes. then liquid fasting this week.

no more food ever. until my birthday. thats only 9 days. if i have done six before, i can do 9 right?

water. coffee. water. juice. water. coffee.

must. fast. must. be. clean.

must. stop. taking. laxatives!

must. fast. so. i. wont. need. them. ever. again.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

awh :]

I get a lot of really great comments from like a bazillion amazing people on here. Like fer real. But certain people just make me literally tear up and go "AAAAAAAWWWWWHHH!!!!!" I love you PrettyWreck! It's great to know nobody is judging me here, even though I live in constant fear of that anyways. But someone saying that means sooo much like you have no idea. Like.. This is my safe little haven where I can say whatever the fuck I want, and if nobody likes it, then oh well, because this blog started as a release of everything inside of me, and that's what it should be: Me. No matter what mood I'm in. It just so happens I'm in sort of a good mood today, despite having a sprained hip :/
Yesterday I went hiking through the woods with my best guy friend ever from kindergarten. He was my very first boyfriend, but now he's gay (haha go figure we used to play barbies and watch the spice girls movie), but anyways he wants to be a photographer after college, and he loves photographing girls with long hair, so he asked me to come exploring with him in the woods near our houses. So I get there and he's all like "omg you've lost alot of weight you look so great omg" and I'm all *blushblushblush* "yeah i guess?" lol So we're pretty much hiking through this really tall grass and I started noticing my hip was sore a little bit, but I figured it was just because I'm not used to hiking in Florida heat for 4 hours, and that probably I should do this more often so I won't be so fucking lazy, so I ignored the pain like anyone with an ED naturally would.
But when I got home holy mother of sweet baby Jesus Christ on a cross... I wanted to scream. It hurt so bad by then. And when I woke up this morning, it was even worse. So I'm not going to school today, but to the doctor instead. Which is scary since last time I got officially weighed I was 170... So I'm currently chugging a gallon of water to make up for lost weight, haha yay!
But other than that, I feel really good today. I got a pep talk last night from one of my bestest friends ever, morg-ana, and I feel strong now :] Last night I ate some broccoli/carrots/edamame (150 calories), and this morning I can finally say I'm safely nestled back into the 150s at 155. Not too bad really, considering I lost and gained a total of 10 pounds over the weekend, but not good enough. I had half of a poptart today (100 calories) and hopefully tonight I will have like soup or something really low cal.
Then tomorrow is the famous No-calorie wednesday, and I'll eat on Thursday.
I really want Friday to be a liquids-only day. I really want to make that a trend. Fasting on Sundays and Wednesdays, and liquids only on Fridays. Until October, when me and my best friend ever are going to do liquids-only for 30 days!! I'm so excited for that.
OMG!!! I just realized that in 13 days, I will finally be legal! Then I can buy ciggarettes, porn, diet pills... AND stay out late at night :D AND go clubbing! Wooooo!!! LoL!
I can't wait for my birthday. I can't wait to see the number on my scale on my birthday. LOWLOWLOWLOW like apple bottom jeans :]
*drinks coffee*
Much love to my pretty tiny little angels out there!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


When I quit drinking, I realised that the answers to all of my problems could never be found at the bottom of a bottle. I've been sober for almost 2 years now.
If I ever quit eating, I'll realise that the answers to my problems are definitely not at the bottom of a bowl or a plate. Then I'll be able to say, "I've been skinny almost 2 years now."

I wish I could control this, but like so many of us, I can't. We think we have control, we're on top of the world with control, but just when we think nothing can go wrong, our survival instincts take over, and we lose all control. Don't deny it, you know it happens.

Yes, I can admit I do not have control over my ED. My ED controls me, in almost every way.
I just choose to let it have me, because I don't feel like there's anything left of myself to worry about. And until I feel satisfied, I'm not going to try to stand up to it. It's my way of dealing with all the shit thats happening right now.

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not going to lie and say that I've lost sooo much weight and I feel sooooo good.. Because thats exactly what it would be: a lie. I'm not going to post my weight until I get it back down to normal. Maybe by the end of this week, if I find the strength to fast again.

It always seems that after the 3rd day of fasting, everything gets easier. Three days. I usually lose all my water weight after the third day, and I generally lose a pound a day after that for like 4 days. Just three days, that's all I need.

No, I'm not making any promises, or setting new rules, or whatever. That never works for me.

I need to find my old routine.
I miss it so much.