Thursday, December 31, 2009
2. I will reach 123 pounds by graduation.
3. I will get a job, car and apartment.
4. I will reach my ultimate goal weight of 111 pounds.
5. I will exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. I will never EVER go over 800 calories a day, unless forced.
7. I will attempt abc at least 3 times.
8. I will eat more fruits and vegetables that are good for me.
9. I will take my vitamin everyday, no matter what.
10. I will not binge.
I'm fasting on new years day, and january 2nd, I'm starting ABC again.
Lets do this :]
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
fyi, i did spend today doing what I wanted to do, with peace and quiet, and it was a very good day :]
i looked at lots of thinspo, and sang karaoke lol
cuz karaoke is best when nobody is watching :]]]]] hehe
AND AND AND...
i fasted :] all day :]
which is significant b/c usually home alone means peace and quiet time to eat whatever i want, however i want with nobody watching...
but not today!
maybe santa will be good to me this year... i've been better this year than most years... know why?!?!?! cuz i lost 65 pounds this year.
isn't that amazing? i cant really believe it myself, but the scale tells me otherwise :] yay
i hope everyone has the best christmas ever, i may or may not post tomorrow, depends on if i have time, lots to do :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
i love you guys so much!!!!
stay strong and merry christmas!
or, if you don't celebrate christmas, then have a happy (insert winter holiday name here)!
she didnt tell me she was leaving, just got in the truck and left, and didnt say goodbye...
she doesnt care about me at all.. this documents proof of that fact. i dont exist to her.
just wait, cuz one day shell wish she had paid attention. one day i'll be something amazing. something worthy of attention and love. one day shell be like damn i wonder what has happened to my daughter... but by then, ill be in california, far away from her, and after i leave, im not coming back, or writing, or calling, for at least a very very very long time.
i wish someone cared. i wish brandon would come back. i wish i was good enough for somebody, anybody, to just care about me. i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to be alone :(
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
i had JUST enough money to get akavar AND laxatives YAY!
i might end up going to see family tomorrow, if i'm less than 155, but only if, which i should be, cuz today wasnt a horrible day, and cuz i took.. ehem... 30 laxatives... um... yeah...
yay for shitting :S
my tummy hurts really bad this time... does that mean its working?
if it doesnt work today, im just gonna ride my bike to cvs and buy some laxatives.
i wish walmart was rigth next door... its way too far for me to ride my bike to it would probably take 20 minutes to get there, and twenty to get back...
hey wait, i need exercise anyways... and that would burn off like 400 ish calories... not to mention the laxatives are cheaper there, and i have a gift card... and i could get my diet pills too...
but im scared someone would steal my bike... and people would think im some weird homeless girl on a bike... damn the neighborhood...
i wish i lived on the better side of town...
when i get an apartment, its definitely gonna be in arlington or at the beach, most deff, cuz the northside sucks ass..
note to anyone ever thinking about visiting florida: the northside of jacksonville SuCkS! don't come here!
actually, the whole city is kind of boring and lame anyways, so dont come here at all.
go to orlando, or just stay out of florida.
there really is nothing in florida unless you go to orlando.
which is why when i get a hair license im getting OUT and going to either new york or california.
i hate it this time though cuz i know its from all ther SHIT ive been eating ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
i neeeeeeeeeed my control back :[
i thougth it was coming back, but then...... it was just wishful thinking.
i hate losing control :(((
i hate that all my new clothes my mom is giving me for christmas are a size too small, even though i did that on purpose so i would have incentive to lose more weight... but now, i wont be able to wer new clothes on christmas...
ill just wear pajamas all day, like ive been doing the past 6 days, because im too fat to even THINK about wearing anything else.
I will not wear cute clothes until I'm back to 150.
thats a good goal, right?
It might work... im definitely not going to eat anymore today... i feel sick... too much sugar, too much salt from yesterdays salt water flush gone wrong... and im mega bloated today because of it... so todays flush better fuckign work, if not, then im going to water fast for the next 2 weeks.
omg i used to be able to fast for like 6 days where did that go???
what have i done to myself....
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
it tastes like... salty boiled eggs... and chicken broth... eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww two of the worst things ever omg ack i think im gonna vomit
no i wont it takes a lot to make me throw up which sucks but whatevs
only like 3 big gulps left....
aaaaaaaaannnnddddddddd were done
im off to massage my tummy and wait for the big bang....
i never want to go to the ocean again. ever.
i want to do it starting january 1st for 10 days, and transition from that into an abc based diet with 99% fruits and vegetables
just a thought.
sorry i keep posting lol
im just boreddddddddddd
and too lazy to exercise.
also, im going to try a salt water flush.
ive tried it twice before, the first time i barely got 3 gulps of that stuff down, it was soooooooo gross...
the second time i got half of it.
maybe this time it will work?
my tummy feels empty, all i've had today is water and coffee, and i feel so much better than i did around this time yesterday.
i love fasting. so clean...
off to flush out my intestines! wish me luck!
hopefully it works this time, and i'll wake up tomorrow like 10 pounds lighter o.o
jk, i know thats impossible, but still, i can dream :]
oh yeah, and im almost finished creating my thinspo site ill hopefully be done by like tomorrow ish with lots of christmas thinspo!!!!
but no more!
because today is a new day, and things are moving, and im only having water and coffee today, at least like 5 24-ounce bottles of water, and my usual 4 cupz of coffee, and maybe some slimming tea later on today.
oh yeah, haha my brother and i haha we made a gingerbread house yesterday hahahahahaha and my mom was pissed because before she even got home to see it half of the roof was gone hahahahaha
it was soooooooooooooo yummy.
but that was the fat me taking over yesterday, and i can feel the skinny girl in there, shes right there, she wants to be able to breathe again, so im gonna stop smothering her with all my gross food and fatness and grossness....
yay for water :D
Monday, December 21, 2009
and i should probably drink like fifty gallons of water tomorrow.
because i have gained more water weight the past 4 days than i ever have in my entire life.
i'll start right now: 1 gallon down, one to go before bed...
i should also probably exercise tonight, cuz i haven't done that since...thursday :///
you know what i will most likely do after i hit "publish post"?
go find something to eat.
yeah, thats right, eat some more you fatass bitch...
at least its broccoli, and not like.. cake..
holy shit did someone say cake aaaaaaaaaa
nom nom nom
no! hah! i didnt eat cake.
i wonder what will happen if i drink 5 gallons of water and eat a whoooooooole lot of fiber tomorrow....
recommended intake for average adult is 25-30 grams, im shooting for 50.
here's to nothing left to lose, except the 10 pounds i gained the past 4 days.....
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
this is probably one of my favorite pictures ever. three reasons why: i'm going to be tiny like her one day, instead of this hideous monstrosity of a person that i am today. i want to get my bangs cut again one day, like this, because it always looks adorable on me. there's this cat that has been hanging around my grammas house for like 2 months now, but i cant bring him home b/c my mom and brother are allergic to cats, but when i get an apartment, i can finally have him :] his name is mr tuna :]]
i got some of this tea stuff by Good Earth, it's slimming tea, i hope it works. it tastes amazing.
i wish i had more to update... nothing really speacial is going on... i slept last night for like 15 hours woooo :]]]]]]]
love and firce to all my skinnies <3
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
when i look at the world, when i look in the mirror, i choose to see rainbows and butterflies and smiling faces and bones and llamas and happiness.
but when i wake up i see terror and destruction, most of which came from me.
when i open my eyes and truly see myself, i am a monster.
a huge disgusting slimey godzilla monster who hates everything and hates herself and cant control herself and loves nothing except making things and everyone around her suffer.
there was a good girl, but the monster ate her, just as she was beginning to know what it feels like to feel normal. just as she was beginning to see that some things can be perfect.
but what if there is no perfection?
there's no point to anything because im only going to let myself down in the end, so why bother making myself try at something that might not even be real.
my best friend told me that reality is what i make it, but what if the only reality i can make is based on lies? what if the whole world is built upon lies and hate and greed and nothingness, the kind of nothingness and emptiness that cant be filled by anything at all.
because nothing can fill the hole inside of me. it's a bottomless pit.
and when i choose not to see it, i almost feel better. when i starve that hole, it almost disappears. it's my own alternate reality. complete with llamas and smiles and bones and rainbows.
but then i open my eyes and remember that there is a hole inside of me and the monster will do anything to dig that hole deeper, and hurt me more and more and more.
i keep hurting myself over and over again because i don't know how to stop lying to myself.
my whole life is based on lies.
and then i don't even care. i don't care that i'm a monster, because the monster's brain only wants to eat everything up, and destroy everything.
i don't want to be a monster. i promise i'm a good person. i know i am.
i know the good person is somewhere in there, but its really hard to dig her out of these horrible layers of disgusting emptiness and nothingness and this apathetic monster keeps swallowing her back in when she almost reaches the surface.
i know there's a good person somewhere inside of me, but i don't want anyone to hang around and wait for her to come out because she will never come out, and i only hurt the people who wait around on me.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
lol yay for awesome tyra :]
NEW LOW WEIGHT :]
officially in the 40s, at 148, hellz yeah
day 10 is going splendidly, thanks to not having enough time to come on blogger to update so now i have lots and lots to catch up on, lots of blogs to read, because yes, i do read all you guys's blogs, but my computer won't let me comment most of them for some reason...
omfg funny story: my best friend spent the night on friday night and she was like heatehr please lets binge i want to so bad waaaahhhhhh
so we went to almart and got this huge ass cheesecake the variety kind with like 12 slices or whatever... even though were both vegan...
and she ate most of it, but i did have like 3 slices and it was amazing and almost totally worth it.
but alas, we didnt finish the whole thing because it was so rich, so as she was driving 45 mph down the road back to my house, i threw the rest of the cheesecake out the window.
xD yay for getting rid of evidence!
and i hated myself for eating it, but the next morning i was 149!
and this morning i woke up after sleeping for 12 hours and im 148!
and today is day 10 of abc, so im fasting, and will hopefully lose another pound by tomorrow to get to 147 which has been a goal i've been aiming for for a while now :]
also, i hope everyone is having a great holiday season.
the best thing ever to make you in a better mood: youtube search for christmas karaoke :] i love singing christmas songs :]
i will be 140 by christmas!
i must i must i must!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
story time yay
i made a huge bowl of cake batter.
and ate 3 tiny bites.
and flushed the rest down the toilet!
:]]]]]]]]] thats always been one of my big weaknesses..... but i said no, i had control aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
AND, i stayed under the 200 limit :]
300 tomorrow, should be easy as cake :]]]