Wednesday, December 9, 2009

i'm a monster.

i keep letting people down. i keep letting myself down. i keep hurting things, and people, and myself.
when i look at the world, when i look in the mirror, i choose to see rainbows and butterflies and smiling faces and bones and llamas and happiness.
but when i wake up i see terror and destruction, most of which came from me.
when i open my eyes and truly see myself, i am a monster.
a huge disgusting slimey godzilla monster who hates everything and hates herself and cant control herself and loves nothing except making things and everyone around her suffer.
there was a good girl, but the monster ate her, just as she was beginning to know what it feels like to feel normal. just as she was beginning to see that some things can be perfect.

but what if there is no perfection?
there's no point to anything because im only going to let myself down in the end, so why bother making myself try at something that might not even be real.

my best friend told me that reality is what i make it, but what if the only reality i can make is based on lies? what if the whole world is built upon lies and hate and greed and nothingness, the kind of nothingness and emptiness that cant be filled by anything at all.

because nothing can fill the hole inside of me. it's a bottomless pit.
and when i choose not to see it, i almost feel better. when i starve that hole, it almost disappears. it's my own alternate reality. complete with llamas and smiles and bones and rainbows.

but then i open my eyes and remember that there is a hole inside of me and the monster will do anything to dig that hole deeper, and hurt me more and more and more.
i keep hurting myself over and over again because i don't know how to stop lying to myself.
my whole life is based on lies.

and then i don't even care. i don't care that i'm a monster, because the monster's brain only wants to eat everything up, and destroy everything.

i don't want to be a monster. i promise i'm a good person. i know i am.
i know the good person is somewhere in there, but its really hard to dig her out of these horrible layers of disgusting emptiness and nothingness and this apathetic monster keeps swallowing her back in when she almost reaches the surface.

i know there's a good person somewhere inside of me, but i don't want anyone to hang around and wait for her to come out because she will never come out, and i only hurt the people who wait around on me.


  1. Ditto.
    I feel exactly the same.

    Stay strong and push through this girl.
    Its so cliche, but nothing tastes as good as thin.
    I always forget until I force myself to remember by fasting.

    I would love to be your Ana buddy if you need one!
    Shoot me an e-mail at

    Stay strong

  2. thats some deep shit your in there... Im not you but I understand how you feel... I like the way you write hang in there ok... ana will always be there for you, lol you can trust her, sorta..
    hangin out for your next post :)