Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
good morning… i was high last night, i binged on 1400 calories, but it was all like… quinoa… and oatmeal… and soup…. so i got like 62g fiber yesterday… so today should be a shitty day lol
anyway, i was gonna fast today, but i want to exercise a lot today, but then my friend that i got high with last night was like come over when you wake up…so what do i do?
do i eat a small breakfast, workout, shower, then go hang out? or do i eat nothing and go hang out? or do i eat nothing, workout, feel like shit and lay around all day lol
i kinda wanna just chug coffee (with no splenda cuz im out D:) and go see my friend. if i hang out with him all day i wont have to eat really cuz he knows about my issues somewhat…
Friday, October 21, 2011
lots of drugs
my anxiety is through the fucking roof...
i cant eat the whole time but then theyll notice and im just like aaauguhghguhzlvfb\hbdchJAV
and i legit cannot do fast food, no way no how... i feel like even the water at mcdonalds has grease in it :(
also, im kind of pissed at these "friends" because yesterday was supposed to be me cody and emily in the nature trails and weed and yeah and now its me cody and his two guy friends and weed and lsd and ecstasy in a car for 24 hours... ugh
so yeah :(
nothing ever goes as planned, and when i try to make plans people are all like "oh your idea sucks mine is better lets do this instead" like oh fuck you heather
yes, fuck me, fuck every fucking thing
Thursday, October 20, 2011
monday =2932 calories
tuesday= 2072 calories
wednesday= 955 calories
i did so good yesterday until i got back to my dorm :c
today though, i am gonna do lots of drugs. and fast. if i eat anything it will be oatmeal or soup or beans.
omg i had 99g of fiber yesterday :x lol like seriously wtf why do i love black beans so much?!?!
they dont give me gas like everyone else, that is a plus lol
anyways umm... i had to withdraw from one of my classes, my poetry class, because i never go and i cannot afford to fail, and all my other classes are great so yeah thats what i did. also, i need to go to the gym like asap because i havent been in weeks :'c
uhh... thats about it. if i dont update over the weekend im either way stoned, tripping, or (hopefully) at the gym. im not going home for two weekends. im forcing myself to stay at school because i need to stop all this bingeing crap. and if i run out of food ill just starve then. i have enough beans and soup and coffee to last me two weeks lol xD
Monday, October 17, 2011
i've gained so much weight :''( i can't stop eating and i have 2 exams today and i cant go to class because im fat and im freaking out but at the same time i dont care because nothing fucking matters anyways :(
ive gone through like 5 bazillion emotions today, every shade of emotion from mania to extreme anger to anxiety and then crying all over the place like a baby :(
Sunday, October 16, 2011
im finna do it.
i ate shit today. i want to start over. i need to buy laxatives again.
they didn't help me lose weight but they sure helped my "starting over" mindset.
and right now i wish i could take about 15 of them.
and then start over monday morning.
im so tired of being a failure. i just want to feel pretty :(
(except we dont have anymore epsom salts cuz mom had to use them for her feet wtf)
so im staying up all night, flushing everything out with water and coffee and tea. no sleep. as punishment.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
1090 calories total today
haven't eaten in 3 hours
now it wants vodka
oh and also, the way i was standing in that picture made me look smaller, btw, i was bending over, which naturally makes anyone who has their legs far enough apart look like they have smaller legs, theyre actually just fat and flabby
i might put a real picture up tomorrow
or i might not
because well im gross duh
total is 2050 :(
minus the vodka
shoulda went straight for the vodka, i never eat when i'm drinking :(((
i stopped myself though cuz my teeth hurt really bad so that's why it was only a mini binge, and i keep having this image of purging and my teeth floating around in the toilet, so when they started hurting i just stopped everything and chugged like a gallon of water....
im gonna go pee a river now and go sleep :(
what the fuck heather stop being so irrational...
btw here's what i am wearing. i think i look like shit. the outfit would be so much cuter if i hadn't binged the past three days :(
anyways this is acceptable for a job interview at a department store right???
Thursday, October 13, 2011
i was watching halloweentown and about to eat some lima beans for lunch, and i remembered when i was little i used to want to be a cromwell witch sooooo bad like in the movie and i even had a group of girls a grade younger than me believing that i was a witch and they would get mad at me if i made the wind blow too hard and stuff (i think i was like 7 at the time lol) bu tyeah remembering how halloween and autumn was when i was little just made me sad. and then i was watching wish upon a star and i remembered how i used to want so badly to be alexis and i would like play dress up to look like her and stuff :(
i just wanna be a kid again. i want to waste away into nothing. i’ve had 550 calories today and i just want to die. it’s too much. i should have fasted since i binged so horribly last night. i need to go work out but im too sad and i dont care.
im having one of those days where you just wanna whine and cry and lay under blankets and watch old movies that make you sad. and drink lots of coffee because for some reason i think it will help me be skinnier tomorrow like the caffeine or something.
i have no rational thoughts. fuck everything.i'm so sad :'(
i don’t do all this shit for attention, it’s way deeper than that, but i sure as hell don’t do it for nothing. it always seems like when i’m eating the least or when i’m throwing up the most, nobody cares, unless i’m losing weight. nobody ever even notices. when i first started losing weight people noticed, because i lost the first 20-50 pounds in about 4 months, and my mom noticed how sick i looked. i would give anything to just look sick again. i want to throw out every piece of food in my dorm and just lay in my bed until i’m skin and bones. this is not about wanting to be thin and pretty and skinny and beautiful “so chad can throw me in the pool in the summahh” and “so i can lyke totes wear all da kewt klothezz”……….i really just want to die. i know i’m ugly and no amount of weight lost will change that, but malnutrition looks on the outside how it looks on the inside, and THAT is my goal.
i literally took the whole food bin, and dumped it in the dumpster outside my building.
the only thing i have now is sugar free chai latte drink mix, 3 packets of hot chocolate, coffee, and clear soups. i used to go weeks on liquid fasts, and there’s fucking nothing stopping me from doing it again. idk why i’ve been so stupid lately.
also, my job interview is tomorrow. i NEED this job. for money, yes, but also so i will be fucking out of my dorm more often and away from food.
i got high and binged on pumpkin flavored shit
pictures of nature trails coming soon, i'm going back today to take more pictures cuz the ones i took yesterday while i was high are very blurry lol
seriously eating less today though, and i'm off to the gym before i go walking. fasting tomorrow because of the job interview and i have to go to my little brother's homecoming dance for football tomorrow night which means i have to dress up :p
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
just to clear that up...
anyways, i need advice.
it's only been 5 months since jake died. he was my SOULMATE. not soulmate in the 6th grade kind of way "omg hes so cute i luuuuuuv himmm :D <333" kind of way, but in the "we have the best conversations and you hold me and keep me safe and tell me life is amazing and we do lots of awesome shit together and we both suck at life but we suck together so its ok and you make me smile when all i want to do is kill myself" kind of way.
but, there's this guy, who i've known for 5 years named cody (the same guy that i blogged about the other day with the whole we got drunk and had sex but its ok because its not the first time it happened and i was drunk and dont remember so it didnt happen thing). i most likely have talked about him here before, but anyways, hes like my brother kind of. hes younger than me but like super tall and hes really protective over me. we tried dating a lot of times but it never works out because were like brother and sister so it just ends up us dating for a week and holding hands and having sex and then it gets awkward like "holy shit i just had sex with my brother!!" either that or he ends up wanting to fuck every other girl so we break up. but we've been best friends for 5 years.
anyway, last night we got high and talked for like 6 hours and he told me im the only girl hes ever loved and he wishes it would have worked out before and all this stuff, like he was coming on to me, and im just laying there like "oh god not this again..." and i didnt know how to respond so i was just like "oh.. uhh.. okk..." he never actually said he wanted to try it again but he pretty much was implying it...
and part of me is like, well, he has money and drugs, and we could just be together and get fucked up together and it would be awesome, but he like super loves me and i am completely void of emotion so i cant reciprocate that, and also, im still way too in love with jake and too depressed about what happened, and also, im in a relationship with food that i REFUSE TO GIVE UP because FUCK YOU I WILL BE SKINNY ONE DAY
but,,,,,, if he has money and drugs, i could just spend all my time with him and do drugs (no food) and we would (obviously) have lots of sex (exercise) so maybe being i na relationship would help me get skinny?
but then, hes my friend and i dont want to hurt him in that way so idk
and also, if we were dating again, and me being emotionally unresponsive, and if he found another girl he liked more, i would probably die because i do love him just not like that and i get too jealous even if i dont really like the person ya know?
sorry if this doesnt make sense...
idk i just dont want to be in a relationship really. like i do, but i dont, and i dont want to hurt anyone because jake will always have my heart so i cant just give it to someone else
and i dont see the point in being with someone if you're not in love, because im hopelessly romantic and bullshitty...
sigh :/ i just want to waste away and cease to exist.
sometimes i don’t think i have an eating disorder. i can eat 1500 calories for days straight and not lose or gain and be somewhat content with that, although i would rather lose, but i dont have the will to starve anymore. maybe it’s wearing off?
but then some days i eat maybe 600 calories all day and then come home and binge on 40000 and purge and go to the gym and burn like 2000… i just don’t know anymore
I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW AT ROSS!!!!! :D:D:D
Monday, October 10, 2011
i skipped my first class and i just wanna skip my other two today and watch halloweentown and casper and b/p all day.
i have no friends. i guess they figured i'm ok now since it's jake's bday and all and he's been dead for five months and five months is enough time to get over the death of your soulmate right yeah so sure heather's just fucking fine and back to fucking normal...
i have to lose weight. i have to be a skeleton so they can actually physically SEE the fucking pain i am in :( fucking ignorant bitches.
yeah, 14 hours :p ugh
i had a veggie burger and some crackers.
i stopped myself before i binged, though, and im currently making a pot of beans for dinner if i'm hungry then (i probably will be) but i most likely am going to put them fridge for tomorrow or the next day or the next day because i need to stop being so greedy because im a failure and a weak greedy american pig and if i dont stop ill be just like every other fucking american pig.
oh hell naw, i refuse.
also, if i live long enough to be old. i'm moving to russia in the mountains in a log cabin in the middle of the woods miles and miles away from society, and ill have 42 cats and a stockpile of liquor. and internet. and tea.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
i was gonna fast today but i ate my brother's leftover pancakes ( i made them, they were smores pancakes and theyre sofuckingdelicious omg) but yeah. and we dont have splenda so i used hot chocolate in my coffee. and i made it all special, with a huge marshmallow and stuffs. only cuz we didn't have mini marshmallows. i only ate half the marshmallow though cuz i was expecting it to melt and it didnt......
idk how many calories it was, i didnt count on purpose because it's fucking autumn and i want to fucking be motherfucking festive. lol.
i was sad yesterday, because it's fall now. and i want to throw orange and yellow leaves around the yard. i want to go bobbing for apples and drink spiced hot chocolate. i want to carve a pumpkin, and go on a hayride and take a walk through the woods in a big sweater and boots. i want to do all these “autumn festivities” because i never ever have done them before, but i have no one to do them with, because i have no friends. and i live in florida so all we do is go to the beach =’(
anyway.... here's some fall spam :/
and the best for last, this picture makes me so unbearably sad. i just want to cry forever. it's my favorite season and the only person i imagined spending autumn with is gone...
there is no god because if there was one he would not have taken away the only person who ever made me feel normal. thsi picture would have been exactly me and jake, the style, the tattoos, everything :(
Thursday, October 6, 2011
what i’ve eaten today (trying so hard not to binge)
B: coffee X4 (125), 3 egg whites (48), cheese (80), imitation bacon bits (15), apple (50) = 318
L: green tea (0), chick peas (110), green beans (45), sweet peas (60), pear (60) = 275
total= 593 calories, 14g. fat, 18g. fiber, 38g. protein
i have no idea what i am having for dinner. we literally have no salad vegetables :( and the only protein i can get is from beans (calories) or cheese (fat) because we’re almost out of eggs… i might skip dinner and just chug water.
OH that reminds me, i’ve had 6 glasses of water today… i usually have 6 glasses of water over a period of a week, so i’ll probably be heavier in the morning because i retain water like crazy. but that’s ok because i need to drink loads more water anyway. i don’t feel like working out really at all, so i’m distracting myself with schoolwork and stuffs.
we’re also out of splenda, so my green tea tastes like shit but i need to get used to not using splenda because it is expensive and unnecessary.
i really don’t want to binge but i know later on today i’m going to be really hungry and i’m terrified of what could happen. i feel so bad for eating tons of food at home because my mom just lost her food stamps so she has no money for food so like the food that is here has to last them for like an unknown length of time, and my bingeing on it definitely makes things worse. i always try to binge on the cheaper food like pasta and oatmeal and stuff because it’s not as expensive and they don’t really ever eat that kind of thing, so idk. bleh.
my throat hurts from last night. i threw up three bowls of ramen and two bags of popcorn :p
achievement unlocked: public bathrooms.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
“i am tired, i am weary, i could sleep for a thousand years…”
i’m going home. i failed my plan, and idgaf, tbqh. i’m going to try my hardest not to binge so much when i get home, and i am going to make some amazing coffee. i don’t have money for starbucks so i’ll make it at home, i’m going to treat myself for no reason, and i don’t care. i’m gonna try to take it easy, and figure things out. i’m gonna catch up on all my homework, and next week i will not miss any classes. i just want to be perfect, but this whole thing is turning me into the opposite. i wish i could die, but obviously (after 3 overdoses and 2 car accidents and going 2 weeks with no solid food- multiple suicide attempts) my body is immortal, and i am a god. so whatever. this weekend will be full of gourmet shit and schoolwork. and hopefully i’ll get the courage to go to my brother’s football game.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
i haven't ever really had any of the special drinks from starbucks :X
so0o0o0o0o i told myself, if i follow my plan for this week, i'll try the pumpkin spice latte :)
pretty much no food all week. i'm only allowing like black beans right after my workouts. i have to lift weights 10x before i go home next thursday/friday, and i have to lift weights at least 4 times before i get pumpkin spice latte. i’ll get the latte on friday on my way to the library. i can make it that long, right? i looked it up, if i get nonfat milk and no whip, it’s only 260 calories and has 14g protein, so it’s totally ok to get one right after i workout (yay protein).
i plan on lifting weights today (done!) tuesday, thursday, and then friday right before i go get it :)
idk why i'm so excited about this latte..... i seriously have only ever had like the light sugar free caramel frappuccino with soy not milk, and like... black coffee... and tea lol
anyways, i think it's a good goal to work for.
also, i'm going to fast this weekend. 50 hours, starting as soon as i finish my latte (i think, it depends on what plans i make this weekend)
so yeah.... two weeks til i go home. oh and if i feel like i'm dying i'll make popcorn :p
k im going to nutrition class now where she'll teach about why your body needs certain nutrients (that come from things other than beans and popcorn.... :P) in order to survive.
i already know like everything she is teaching us.... basically off to class to zone out :p
then imma watch for the love of nancy :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
i am so angry all the fucking time lately and i do not fucking know why
yes, i do know why, its because i fucking hate everything and i can't starve myself and i can't binge when mom is home and i can't kill myself and i hate every single thing right now
Saturday, October 1, 2011
good thing im not jewish xD
well i pre-partied for next saturday then, cuz i had a nomvom fest today while mom and little brother were gone sooooo
i feel so loopy xD
except my eyes hurt from straining, and my cheeks are getting puffy
im downloading hannibal rising!
omfg mom has vodka in the freezer :D
i got everything out when i purged i think im pretty sure i did so ill just fast for the rest of the day or have a small salad for dinner and then imma get my drank on and watch hannibal rising :)
oh, bad news: im 150 again *stabbity rip stab stab* fuck my LIFE!
but its ok cuz its october now and im not coming home next weekend and i have no money and no food in my dorm so i will just fast like for the next two weeks or something yay so ill be skinny on halloween.... maybe
i wanna lose 10 pounds by then, totally doable as long as i dont binge. :)