Tuesday, October 11, 2011

i totally did NOT mean i was getting away from ED, hell to the naw omg i just meant that i dont care about anything anymore. i still get angry at myself and cut myself when i eat too much so its definitely not just like "oh hey im happy being a whale" no no no...
just to clear that up...

anyways, i need advice.
it's only been 5 months since jake died. he was my SOULMATE. not soulmate in the 6th grade kind of way "omg hes so cute i luuuuuuv himmm :D <333" kind of way, but in the "we have the best conversations and you hold me and keep me safe and tell me life is amazing and we do lots of awesome shit together and we both suck at life but we suck together so its ok and you make me smile when all i want to do is kill myself" kind of way.
but, there's this guy, who i've known for 5 years named cody (the same guy that i blogged about the other day with the whole we got drunk and had sex but its ok because its not the first time it happened and i was drunk and dont remember so it didnt happen thing). i most likely have talked about him here before, but anyways, hes like my brother kind of. hes younger than me but like super tall and hes really protective over me. we tried dating a lot of times but it never works out because were like brother and sister so it just ends up us dating for a week and holding hands and having sex and then it gets awkward like "holy shit i just had sex with my brother!!" either that or he ends up wanting to fuck every other girl so we break up. but we've been best friends for 5 years.
anyway, last night we got high and talked for like 6 hours and he told me im the only girl hes ever loved and he wishes it would have worked out before and all this stuff, like he was coming on to me, and im just laying there like "oh god not this again..." and i didnt know how to respond so i was just like "oh.. uhh.. okk..." he never actually said he wanted to try it again but he pretty much was implying it...
and part of me is like, well, he has money and drugs, and we could just be together and get fucked up together and it would be awesome, but he like super loves me and i am completely void of emotion so i cant reciprocate that, and also, im still way too in love with jake and too depressed about what happened, and also, im in a relationship with food that i REFUSE TO GIVE UP because FUCK YOU I WILL BE SKINNY ONE DAY
but,,,,,, if he has money and drugs, i could just spend all my time with him and do drugs (no food) and we would (obviously) have lots of sex (exercise) so maybe being i na relationship would help me get skinny?
but then, hes my friend and i dont want to hurt him in that way so idk
and also, if we were dating again, and me being emotionally unresponsive, and if he found another girl he liked more, i would probably die because i do love him just not like that and i get too jealous even if i dont really like the person ya know?
sorry if this doesnt make sense...
idk i just dont want to be in a relationship really. like i do, but i dont, and i dont want to hurt anyone because jake will always have my heart so i cant just give it to someone else
and i dont see the point in being with someone if you're not in love, because im hopelessly romantic and bullshitty...
sigh :/ i just want to waste away and cease to exist.

1 comment:

  1. Heather, I would never tell you to get over it. There is no, "over" it. My son died last year at 4 months old. Several people did different things and tried different ways to help me get over it. The only thing it did successfully, was cause me to push them all away from me.

    You will NEVER get over it. It will NEVER get easier. This is coming from both a friend to you and experience. There is no worst hurt than losing someone that you love.

    You should get out and do things with other people. Jake would want that for you. You don't HAVE to have a relationship, just have fun. You are only young once in your life.

    I'm here for you, regardless of what you do. But don't go putting your heart out there if you are afraid it will just get broken. with all that said, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes..

    "I am older today than I have ever been in my life."

    pretty much what that says to me is, every day life is different, we get a new chance. You get older as the days go by and even if you look into the past, you will never get those days back.

    Memories keep us going, sometimes they are all that we have. But if you have ever reached rock bottom.. it is exactly that. Rock. Bottom. You can not go any further than that, but you have to keep going so, the only way to go is up.

    and I didn't notice that I was writing that much, HAHAHA!

    Stay strong, beautiful. Always keep your head up.

    <3 xoxo