Wednesday, June 29, 2011

obsessed with food porn *points to self*
i will become everyone's jillian michaels :)))
does anyone want to educate me on how prozac affects eating disorders?

Monday, June 27, 2011

solution for super-hyperness=drink coffee >:D
and then bake cupcakes while watching two and a half men and drinking rum and coke!!!!!

fuck. yes.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

lol im obsessed with oatmeal..........
2 bowls today
also a bowl of ramen.......
imma try fasting all next week, gotta find my motivation i had last week
what is food?!
a 45 minute workout is better than no workout, right? i'm used to going hard for 2 hours :/ cardio didn't like me today.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

broke my fast with oatmeal, not too bad, then my friend was all cook me dinner and he wanted mashed potatoes and barbeque chicken -_- so i ate steamed veggies and mashed potatoes and then lots of rum. there was lots and lots of rum.
and now i just woke up and i put a shot of rum in my coffee (it is spiced rum) and the combination is soooooooooo beautiful.
i dont think i would ever do it again though, usually when i drink i drink to get drunk, not for taste, and i cannot see myself drinking coffee with rum all night lol
finishing my coffee and then like 3 more cups without the rum and then im going to burn off the shit i ate last night :( fasting the rest of the day hopefully and then party tonight!

Friday, June 24, 2011

what is this i dont even!

i haven't fasted in a very long time. like years.
it's 4:21pm, i haven't consumed any calories since about midnight on wednesday night o.o
how is this happening?
why am i suddenly being so awesome?!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

i just wanna sleep foreverrr :( i take sleeping pills sleep for 3-5 hours wake up take more sleep again ughhh
good news: i had 2 cups of coffee today, and 2 cups of tea.
gym tomorrow, just weight, then a protein shake. zero calories other than that.

just spent 3 holurs researching starvation, dehydration, hunger strikes, etc...

my new goal: go as long as i can with no food and no water. im going to live off of coffee. it supposedly takes 3 days to die without water. i imagine that coffee does not equal water, so it might take maybe a week? it takes a few weeks to die with no food if you’re still taking in liquids.

either way, ive gone 7 days with no food and only water and juice before, and i was totally fine. so im going to try for 7 days of just coffee. maybe a protein shake if i cant take it. and of course, alcohol will be consumed because alcohol does not count and probably would speed up the process anyways. if anyone offers food i will say no. im so fucking tired of this shit.

so i need to finish my novel asap.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

i just had the best night of my life!

and i wasn’t even that drunk or high lol but i did ride on the hood of a speeding car, i got thrown off like i flew ten feet and skid across the road lol yay for battle scars and my best friend was on the hood with me and he flew off forwards and they ran over him but he is ok and the whole night was just a hilarious disaster :) i missed my old crowd so much, i’m so glad they finally graduated :)
and honestly, i feel soooo happy right now because i reconnected with my old friends and i feel right back where i belong, and it feels amazing.
i mean like we do drugs and stuff but thats not important..............
i feel like fasting alot will be happening.
i didnt make it to the gym yesterday because i was too busy falling off of cars lol but im going right NOW i will be back in 2 hours :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

if someone can give me 3 good reasons to go workout, i will do it!
i just dont wanna :/ so somebody beat me into it
dont worry, i woke up today :/
i need to get high

Monday, June 20, 2011

if i dont wake up in the morning, i need you guys to know that i love you

anyone reading this who feels like they are not worthy or are not beautiful should know that they are the most beautiful creature in the entire universe, there is nobody like you

there is someone for everyone

mine died in a car crash

and im going to hopefully join him in a few hours

and i am ok for the first time in a long time :)
if you ever have the opportunity to dance in the shower to 80s music while on shrooms, FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like a little kid with a big lollipop :D
i thought that what i have been mixing my gin with was loaded with calories- it's sparkling lemonade- but actually...
IT HAS NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

no laxatives+ no purging= cardio for an hour?
if i could workout everyday like i did today i would be so sexy :/

Saturday, June 18, 2011


Friday, June 17, 2011

i feel so fucking selfish.
how can i wish for death when my little brother needs me so much?
that much selfishness shouldn't exist.
my little brother is the only thing keeping me from killing myself. i know he would still be fine, he is young enough that it might not fuck his brain up for life, but his existence, when he was born he lit up my life.
i cant just let that spark die.
but knowing im this fucking selfish just makes me want to die so much more :( he deserves a better sister :(
idk what to fucking do :(
i want to binge, i want to cut... i think if i do one then i wont do the other
and well lets face it, cutting burns more calories than bingeing does so...
home for the weekend. i feel crazy. let the bingeing begin!
ps: i love you guys, especially peri, and i deeply apologize for my absence and lack of commenting, im kind of away right now :/

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

good day

haven't cut since my last post, just that one time, i promise, i hope :(
509 calories today, and 80g protein! best day ever!!!
worked out, now time for shower and gin and juice :)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

i just cut myself for the first time in 5 years. one slit for every day since jake died. im pathetic. i just want out. i need to be with him,i cant fucking do this shit anymore, just poretend to be ok while im drunk all the time because if im sober then im hiding in my room, starving and gulping fucking offee, idk what to do
but it looks sp retty, my oldest friend before ana
nd he is back now
with his blade and his dick and his fucking vodka
im never eating again
i found the right way
all i need is a razor and some vodka and ill be good to go
go forever
to go until im completely gone
gone from this whole fucking world
oi fucking hate it here

Friday, June 10, 2011

i is a fat baby piggy oink oink

but at least dey iz cuuuute

Thursday, June 9, 2011


equal parts vodka, v8 tropical punch, 7up. 4 ice cubes. red cup, straw.
grandma is asleep. i raided her pantry hard. and her meds cabinet, lots of old lady laxatives :)
drunk fat kid ftwwww!!!!!!!!

ive been eating all day and i still have no fucking energy


so i'm supposed to give a presentation in my english class today, there is absolutely no way i can go to any classes i'm way too depressed and angry and i literally cannot move. what do i email my professor to let him know that i won't be coming to class?

i was going to just be like “i am not in the best mental state right now and would like to make up the assignment somehow, i apologize sincerely but they fucking switched my meds again…”

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

i think i might have a dissociative disorder comin along...

i am not myself, i am not this person.
this body, face, and hair,that is mine,
but it is also not mine at all.
i have gone away, vacation to nowhere,
someone else is filling in while i am out,
feeding my pets for me so they don’t go hungry.
she forgets to feed them.
i don’t know where i am, i dont know who this ‘me’ is.
her lips say my words
or rather, my lips speak her words.
and she drinks all my fucking vodka.

i do not need a fucking babysitter

i had a headache so i took some ibuprofen (3 pills)
half an hour later it was still there so i took four more
that didnt work either
so i took some shots
i had ten shots total over this hour, 7 ibuprofen, definitely not enough to make me drunk/high/whatever
but it was really doing nothing at all, i still felt exactly the same
and i was pissed off so i told my friend and she flipped shit and thought i had tried to like kill myself or something so she came to my dorm and wouldn't go the fuck away which made me even more pissed off because all i fucking wanted was to go to sleep and i cant sleep with someone fucking watching me......
she left eventually, but i didnt sleep like at all
fuck me
i hate everything

in other news, im doing this thing today with a girl on tumblr
b- 2 eggs
s- cofffee
l- salad, carrots
d- salad, protein shake
for a total of around 500 calories. im going to try and keep it under 500.
i think im going to do this until saturday, when my cousin graduates. i wanna look good. i will be working out a fuckton too.
so 500 or less, 4 days, at least 2 sets of 15 reps on weights everyday (i work out every part of my body when i do weights), and if i don't feel like doing cardio i should at least burn 300 a day from walking. but i will try to do cardio at least 3/4 days.

ok. i have a plan. planning is good.
no more drinking this week, i don't need the extra calories.

Monday, June 6, 2011


my stomach just GROWLED for the first time in WEEKS
happy happy heather
lets go drink on an empty stomach and hope half a handle is enough to die of alcohol poisoning :]]]]]
if i manage 12 shots in half an hour, i could do it.

therapist today

im going to beg her to let me see the psychiatrist, i cant take this shit anymore

Friday, June 3, 2011

the next worst thing about binging?

when you wake up the morning after, with a food hangover because you were too lazy to purge, and repeat the cycle again. all. day. long.
fuck being at home on the weekends.
fuck the whole "don't fast the next day" bullshit.
i'm never eating again :'(

i ate again.
my stomach went from 28 inches to 33 inches since ive been home :'''(

Thursday, June 2, 2011

the worst part about binging

is not realizing it until after you ate all the food in the house :/
2702 calories :"(


i got my friend drunk
she threw up on my floor
life. holy shit.