Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
and now i just woke up and i put a shot of rum in my coffee (it is spiced rum) and the combination is soooooooooo beautiful.
i dont think i would ever do it again though, usually when i drink i drink to get drunk, not for taste, and i cannot see myself drinking coffee with rum all night lol
finishing my coffee and then like 3 more cups without the rum and then im going to burn off the shit i ate last night :( fasting the rest of the day hopefully and then party tonight!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
either way, ive gone 7 days with no food and only water and juice before, and i was totally fine. so im going to try for 7 days of just coffee. maybe a protein shake if i cant take it. and of course, alcohol will be consumed because alcohol does not count and probably would speed up the process anyways. if anyone offers food i will say no. im so fucking tired of this shit.
so i need to finish my novel asap.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
and honestly, i feel soooo happy right now because i reconnected with my old friends and i feel right back where i belong, and it feels amazing.
i mean like we do drugs and stuff but thats not important..............
i feel like fasting alot will be happening.
i didnt make it to the gym yesterday because i was too busy falling off of cars lol but im going right NOW i will be back in 2 hours :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
anyone reading this who feels like they are not worthy or are not beautiful should know that they are the most beautiful creature in the entire universe, there is nobody like you
there is someone for everyone
mine died in a car crash
and im going to hopefully join him in a few hoursand i am ok for the first time in a long time :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
how can i wish for death when my little brother needs me so much?
that much selfishness shouldn't exist.
my little brother is the only thing keeping me from killing myself. i know he would still be fine, he is young enough that it might not fuck his brain up for life, but his existence, when he was born he lit up my life.
i cant just let that spark die.
but knowing im this fucking selfish just makes me want to die so much more :( he deserves a better sister :(
idk what to fucking do :(
i want to binge, i want to cut... i think if i do one then i wont do the other
and well lets face it, cutting burns more calories than bingeing does so...
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
but it looks sp retty, my oldest friend before ana
nd he is back now
with his blade and his dick and his fucking vodka
im never eating again
i found the right way
all i need is a razor and some vodka and ill be good to go
to go until im completely gone
gone from this whole fucking world
oi fucking hate it here
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
i was going to just be like “i am not in the best mental state right now and would like to make up the assignment somehow, i apologize sincerely but they fucking switched my meds again…”
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
this body, face, and hair,that is mine,
but it is also not mine at all.
i have gone away, vacation to nowhere,
someone else is filling in while i am out,
feeding my pets for me so they don’t go hungry.
she forgets to feed them.
i don’t know where i am, i dont know who this ‘me’ is.
her lips say my words
or rather, my lips speak her words.
and she drinks all my fucking vodka.
half an hour later it was still there so i took four more
that didnt work either
so i took some shots
i had ten shots total over this hour, 7 ibuprofen, definitely not enough to make me drunk/high/whatever
but it was really doing nothing at all, i still felt exactly the same
and i was pissed off so i told my friend and she flipped shit and thought i had tried to like kill myself or something so she came to my dorm and wouldn't go the fuck away which made me even more pissed off because all i fucking wanted was to go to sleep and i cant sleep with someone fucking watching me......
she left eventually, but i didnt sleep like at all
i hate everything
in other news, im doing this thing today with a girl on tumblr
b- 2 eggs
l- salad, carrots
d- salad, protein shake
for a total of around 500 calories. im going to try and keep it under 500.
i think im going to do this until saturday, when my cousin graduates. i wanna look good. i will be working out a fuckton too.
so 500 or less, 4 days, at least 2 sets of 15 reps on weights everyday (i work out every part of my body when i do weights), and if i don't feel like doing cardio i should at least burn 300 a day from walking. but i will try to do cardio at least 3/4 days.
ok. i have a plan. planning is good.
no more drinking this week, i don't need the extra calories.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
fuck being at home on the weekends.
fuck the whole "don't fast the next day" bullshit.
i'm never eating again :'(
i ate again.
my stomach went from 28 inches to 33 inches since ive been home :'''(