Tuesday, February 17, 2009

this weekend sucked harder than my vacuum cleaner
i gained three.
but today was good. 2 spoonfulls of green beans, and one of corn lol
just to say i had dinner

tomorrow i start my tues-fri fast, then back off on the weekend to keep suspition low
man, i need some willpowerrrrrr

Thursday, February 12, 2009

my three day fast went amazingly well, and one of my friends saw me today and asked me if i had lost weight :D
im so happy hehehehehehehhehe

so then today i limited myself to 1/4 cup of oatmeal, 1 cup of soymilk, 1/2 a banana, 3 cups of coffee, 1/2 a pack of barbie fruit snacks (lol), 2 cups of homemade blackbean soup, and some crackers.

calorie count is approximately 1500 calories......
which is still way over my limit but hey, i did good for the last three days.
i'll pay myself back tomorrow.

heres the plan, 3 days on fasting, 1 day off, two days on, 1 day off, and then next week im gonna do like monday off, tues. wed. thurs. fri on, and weekend off.

i can do it right?

man this week was a rollercoaster for me, sometimes it was as easy as making up excuses like i already ate, or feeding my veggie burger to my dog, or flushing ramen down the toilet, but sometimes this week i felt so drained and fat and gross and hungry.

i wish i could control my hunger, thats the problem, thats why i binge. i get fed up with everything and i eat and it makes me feel better, but then when i dont eat for like three days, i feel so amazing. like a high. like the best fucking drug ever.

my coffee this morning was so gross. idk i guess it was too sweet.....

Monday, February 9, 2009

yay so far so good today :DDDDD
i drank so much water today, and i had a small sip of grape juice, and i just finished a frappuccino to reward myself, and after my homework, im going to bed!
and i think im going to like, make some ramen noodles, and flush them down the toilet so when mom gets home it looks like i ate something.
yeah :D
go me!
i'm so happy that today was a good one. i needed this real bad after all that happened last week.
this is my vow: i will never let it get that bad again.
from now on, no more bingeing. i can't do that to myself anymore.
on days that i'm not fasting, ill just eat really really little stuff.
but no more full out box-of-pizza binges.
besides, i always feel gross after i get done anyways, and i love the feeling i have when my stomach growls so its better to just not eat.
i'm excited for tomorrow!
peace, love, and high quality h2o!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

so, since ive created this site i lost three pounds, but im pretty sure i gained them back because i ate so much pizza the other day omg. i felt so gross afterwards it was horrible.
then yesterday, i did really really good untill i got to my friend's house and she was like "EAT SOMETHING!!!!!" so i ate a salad and then her mom made soup and they all ate at the table and i had no excuse for not eating some so i ate a little. it was actually really good though and i watched her make it im pretty sure it was healthy it was even vegan.
but then today got here and there was a choir recital thing and after we left my family was like eat cake so i ate cake.
starting tomorrow, no food for three days.
liquids only.
no cheating, no excuses this time.
i have to get this under control its like my body has a mind of its own. its so hard to resist that first bite and after that its like i go insane with this crazed eating frenzy of doom and i dont stop untill i feel like im going to puke everything inside of me onto my feet.
but unfortunately, ive never been able to make myself puke.
my boyfriend told me i have no gag reflexes. he said it was a good thing.
fuck that.
i wish i could eat and throw it all up after.
but thats disgusting and its easier to just resist the first bite.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Hey all you bloggers! Well, nobody will read this, but in the event that someone does:
my name is heather. i have an eating disorder and have for a while, and don't intend to stop. i don't exactly love it, but i do embrace it as if it were a best friend, a lover, a soulmate. and i love her more than my own life. it has taught me many things, how to control myself, how to stick to something instead of giving up. i have a long journey to go, and this blog is in hopes that maybe i can reach my ultimate goal: to be beautiful. i want more than anything in the world to be thin and fit and pretty and for someone to look at me and say "wow, she's really beautiful". at my highest my weight has been at like 215. i know, *puke* i was gross. i'm not telling where i'm at now, or what my ultimate goal weight is, because this blog is going to be anonymous. i don't have anyone i can talk to about ana, nobody who even would understand, so i hope this can be a way to vent everyday things and maybe inspire myself to do better, to try harder.

so without further ado..............

i went all day, no food... i'm waiting on my mom to ask me the questions "what have you eaten today? what did you have for dinner?" yeah she goes on and on sometimes, and sometimes she doesn't even notice. i gave up caring more than to make up excuses. or if she's really bugging me, i'll grab something, a bagel, or pizza, take a huge bite out of it and stomp away...then spit t out in the trash when she isn't looking.
but today was very successful and all i had to drink was water and a homemade frappuccino made with ice soymilk and cappuccino powder(fat free, sugar free, only 45 calories per serving). and after yeaterday, man did i need today to be a good one. i ate like a fucking pregnant cow. a fat gross cow who ate fucking pizza, trail mix, chips, and later, a veggie burger.... ughhhhhh it was horrible. i felt so bad.
i think i have a combination of anorexia (minus the underweight part) and bed. which is super weird. but i'm getting so much better at the bingeing part yesterday was the first time in a long time. i feel like after today, tomorrow will be easy. no binges, no weight :DD happy heather! yay.