Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
i am a big jiggly pathetically sad human being right now.
i wish my mom would go to sleep so i could do it all over again without having to dodge her trips to the kitchen.
Weight: 147 lbs
Dress Size: 8
Highest Weight: 215
Lowest Weight (at height): 145
Goal Weight: 111
Favorite Diet Food: broccoli. lettuce. pineapples.
Favorite Binge Food: ice cream. pizza. mashed potatoes.
Favorite Exercise: dance dance revolution. crosstrainer.
Favorite Thinspo: tiny arms and tummys.
Where Do You Slip Up: anytime i'm home for more than 2 days. i live in a dorm, where everything is perfect.
When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: 2nd grade. age 8
Restricting/counting: 7th grade. age 13 (off and on)
Does Anyone Know: my mom and a lot of people i do not talk to anymore.
You Want Help: i do not need it.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : good day= less than 500. average= 1200-4000
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: jello. i jiggle everywhere. thighs stomach arms chin....
Are You In A Relationship: yes
Are You Depressed: not really i just hate everything.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: no
Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes
I AM -
[x] living off diet pills
[x] drinking something
 Under 100lbs
 starving yourself
 participating in a fast
 ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
 I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
 I could stop being ana/mia
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
 I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
 I have/had braces.
 I wear glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[x] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
 My biological parents are together.
 I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
 I’ve had children.
 I’ve lost a child.
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
 I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
 I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
 I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
 I’m engaged.
 I’m married.
 I’ve gone on a blind date.
 I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
 I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
 I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[x] I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
 I regularly drink.
 I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
 I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
 I’m at my thinnest
 I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
 I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
 I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
 I’ve fainted from exhaustion
I’VE DONE -
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[x] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong
my throat hurts really bad from last night :(
forgive me body, for i have sinned. it has been three months since my last confession.
i have binged and purged for the first time in three months and i cannot even remember the last time i did so.
and since i went so long without it, the high has been magnified tenfold.
and i love it even more this time than the last.
and i hate it even more this time than the last.
and i do not want to stop.
but i do not want to re-become myself again.
i shall do three gags and 6 laxatives to repent myself of these sins.
all has been forgiven.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
and way more than two cookies..
not like a binge, i had less than almost everyone there, just way too much for me...
and now im home...
and im taking laxatives.
and im making myself not eat until new years day.
i hate this part :/
and im sooooo hungryyyy right now i could eat like everything :(
BUT i did have a TON of fun, and being away from home made me feel better.
and i stayed for two nights instead of just one which was awesome.
and we went shopping.
and i totally missed my friends more than i thought i did.
and i don't really know what to do now that im home.
and my mom is like watching me like a hawk, and idk why.
and i really need to buy more laxatives. i have to before school starts. but idk how to get any because i dont have a ride and if i ask someone for a ride theyll probably ask what for.. ugh
i wish i could make lasagna.
i just got home and there is already too much tension in my house. tension makes me nervous. im one of those people that eat food when i get nervous :/
i hate my mother.
i absolutely loathe her.
it has been like 3 months since ive thrown up.
welcome back, lover <3
Monday, December 27, 2010
im going to a friend's house for her bday slumber party :D
normally i wouldnt even go, and i know my anxiety is gonna be through the roof, and im probably gonna be huddling in a corner not talking and being really quiet, but at least i wont be at home!
in preparation for this, i took 5 laxatives last night to clean me out, and i played ddr today for 2 hours, burned 500 calories, and i haven't eaten at all today.
why? because she always has lots of food at her house. and she alread told everyone there will be pizza and cookies :(
im going to make it a goal to have no more than 2 slices of pizza and no more than 2 cookies. i think thats safe enough for a sleepover. ill sneak into the bathroom to do some crunches or something.
and definitely taking laxies when i get home :p
im so excited though because theres like gonna be 6 girls total and i havent seen most of them since graduation so it will be nice to see some old friends and not feel so lonely :]
even though i didnt have money for christmas presents for anyone, so i will feel really awful when everyone else is exchanging gifts :( damn being poor ugh
but anyways ill let you know how it goes! i need to shower cuz i just got done DDR-ing
i love DDR its my hero <333
i hope everyone starts off their week this week in the best way possible!!!
i love you guys <333
Sunday, December 26, 2010
my hair is frizzy
i have cottonmouth
my nails have become brittle
even the insides of my ears are like dry and itchy and flakey
what the hellll
i put on like half a bottle of lotion.
and i exfoliated everything so it wouldnt look so gross.
i deep conditioned my hair in the shower
and i drank some more coffee
and painted my nails so you cant see how blue they are
and put warm olive oil in my ear to make it not so dry
im still overweight, but everything else looks dull and dry.
mostly because i dont drink enough water :p bleh
oh, and my hair falls out ALL the time :/ like everywhere :/ so i take hair skin and nail vitamins.
im hoping that this routine of vitamins and lotions and deep conditioning my hair will hekp these signs become less visible.
im high as fuckkkk ahahaha
i just spent an hour smoking and looking at my body in my mirrors.
and picking at my skin lol but yeah an hour in front of a mirror
i so wanted to grab my notebook and make a list of every single flaw so that i can check each one off as i perfect those flaws.
i think i might do that one day. it would give me a visible goal to be working towards, and would most likely get me to my goal weight :] win win? yes yes.
im listening to video killed the radiostar lol wtfffff
omg skype date with the new bf in a little bit :D yay
i miss him. 8 more days til im back on campus and out of this hell hole!!!
today was ok ish i think i had like 700 calories but burned off 500 of them on ddr yayness
goin to friends house tomorrow night its her bday :D
then someone i used to be good friends with is comin over and imma smoke her out cuz shes not a pothead yet hehehe
this week should go by fast, i hope, then i can be back on campus and back to bettering myself. i was gonna fast this week but like idk yet i think ill just restrict alot and exercise more too. i have to look good when i go back to school :] <3
Ive been like this so long I don’t know what normal is
I brainwashed myself and now I cant get it out of me
I thought this was what I wanted but no one really knows what they want anymore
I just know it wants me
She lives in the corners of my imagination
And my daily routines are part of her equation
I thought beauty was in the eyes of the beholder
She lies to me she hurts me but I still just want to hold her
Saturday, December 25, 2010
i dont know any of them, because ive only ever met him like 5 times.
hes quiet just like me. like shy and stuff. i think we probably have a lot in common, but idk. his family is really nice and sweet and they totally made my christmas a good one :]
PLUS i got to smoke with my older brother haha he smokes good shit :] merry christmas to meeeeee!!!!!!!! haha except i ate way too much today but its christmas. im fasting starting tomorrow. until my friends sleepover monday night.
my mom bought a shit ton of diet sodas. i havent had soda in forever but i drank a diet dr pepper today 0.0 nom nom nom i miss it alot lol so i have calories free things to fill up on until monday night and its gonna be like an all girls sleepover party with pajamas so i dont have to look extra special or anything so if the soda makes me all bloated its ok i guess.
then im gonna try to do 500 calories or less until school starts. im probably not gonna make it to 140 by new years, but if i dont go out trying my damndest then its not worth it right? no calories christmas eve, until night time hahahaha i wish alcohol was calorie free :p
then new years day im starting the abc diet. idk how long imma go for but im going to try really really hard this time. maybe i will make my goal 135 by valentines day :]
that sounds amazing, AND realistic, because it gives me like a month and a half to lose ten pounds, which is totally doable if i dont come home over weekends lol
im so totally excited for next semester to begin i only have ten days until classes start and only eight days and 9 hours until i can go back to my dorm to my safe zone and to my cutieface boyfriend :]]] yayyy!
i totally forgot that soda has caffeine lol its 1 am im on my 6th today xD
no more soda for heather lol
i usually dont drink it anyways, but right now the bubbles feel amazing inside my numb tummy with a little candy and my brain is numbed too and i feel like the bubbles are making me float into the air <3
if i wasnt so fat then this combo of highness and bubbly tummy probably would be enough to lift me off my bed <33
i got a new ddr game. i plan on playing it all day tomorrow.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
i cant take this shit anymore
im going to be all alone on christmas eve and probably on christmas too
and nobody fucking cares.
nobody ever notices me, or sees me, or hears me,
or even cares enough to check on me every once in a while
not even if i were to take a handful of sleeping pills
after eating a whole cake and some ice cream
to celebrate the birthday of a jesus i dont even believe in
followed by 8 fucking laxatives.
so why bother?
i hope i wake up feeling better.
in an empty home.
scratch that, an empty house. it takes a family to make a home. but me, i have no one.
i found some dxm in the bathroom cabinet.
i guess we all know what heather's doing tomorrow, haha, anyone else just wanna get fucked up for christmas???
dxm, weed, sleeping pills, laxatives, food, i got it all.
im so fucked up right now.
i think this is the most fucked up ive ever been while sober.
i hallucinated that the oven was on. it kept beeping at me and the lights were on and it smelled like something burning but when i opened the oven it was stone cold and i looked again and there were no lights.
what has become of me?
sometimes i wish i could sleep forever, like rip van winkle.
i hate this show and this episode especially :( it just reminds me how little ive done lately to lose weight. these people are on the ranch for just a few months and some lose 100 lbs and ive been doing this for 2 years and still only halfway there and ive lost alot and mostly have just been maintaining weight for like a year but still. these people put everything into this and they reach their goals and they work so hard, much much harder than i work and i hate it because i wish i could just be awesome and inspiring like they are. i wish my weight loss journey had changed me as a person for the better instead of for the worse. i hate the person i have become because of this and even though i would never ever wish to be as huge as i used to be, i still am not satisfied with my life or myself right now.
i want to grow as a person while working for the goals i want to reach, not shrivel up and waste away while crying over every misstep.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
i have been eating all day.
i havent exercised at all.\
and part of me doesnt even care because its not worth it to care this much about what i look like, especially while im home. nobody here cares about me, or how i look. the only time my mom talks to me is to bitch about how her life is so hard or to ask/make me do shit for her or fix this or do that, or to tell me i look too skinny and i should stop losing weight. even though technically im still overweight. im invisible here. i dont exist.
if i dont exist then i can be fat.
but i cant just let myself go because i have a future waiting for me in two weeks back at school.
but there is nothing i want more right now than to eat all the food in my house and throw up. i havent thrown up in so long :( i dont want to start again, but i feel like there isnt anything else to do. i dont have any friends to hang out with and the only thing i have been doing all break is facebook and lying in bed doing nothing. perfecting the art of not existing, if you will. i watch movies when i get high. and i cook elaborate meals and desserts. and i eat them. and i take laxatives and i cry and i hate every square inch of my soul for it but i cant stop and i feel like there is no hope for me at all as long as i am at home because home means chaos and no routine and a big black hole of nothingness. there is nothing for me here.
next year i refuse to stay home for christmas. i'll go somewhere else, i dont care where, anywhere but here.
i wish i could just smoke cigarettes all day but then my mom would know that i smoke her cigarettes and she would freak.
and if she ever found out i still smoke pot she would kick me out.
and i have nowhere else to go. like literally nowhere else.
the people i do still talk to arent close enough friends for me to just go hang out with them for a few days. i would feel way too awkward.
i dont have any close friends anymore.
they all turned their backs on me when i needed them the most. just like everyone else, you think you know someone and can rely on them and they fuck you in the ass til puss comes out and you cant sit down without being reminded of how much those experiences have scarred you in every way possible, for life.
i cant trust anyone enough to let them get that close to me ever again. to keep with the metaphor, i gotta keep my ass covered at all times, just in case. nobody is ever gonna get that close to me.
except im too open of a person to not spill my guts whenever someone asks me to :/ and then, if they haven't known me long enough, they get freaked out and think im some crazy insane freak.
the truth is, i am a crazy insane freak, and the whole world is to blame for it because nobody takes the time to actually listen to me or try to understand what im thinking.
hell, i cant understand myself right now.
i dont know how to process most of my emotions because ive been scared of them for so long, so now all i do is eat. and eat and eat and eat. and take laxatives to keep from getting as big as a house.
and i dont care.
i dont want to live like this but for the time being there isnt really another option, so im gonna have to just deal with it for 2 more weeks until i get back to school.
i would do anything at all to be able to go back to school tomorrow. for break to be over with. for my life to be halfway ok again.
home is too overwhelming for me. at school i can try to be the person i have always wanted to be: thin, pretty, and sweet, with friends and a life and a beautiful significant other who likes me for me.
what even is me? i dont even know anymore. i have no me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
and now, i am for real going to fast, with sofia because she is fasting too, until tuesday morning at 8:30.
i havent eaten since 11:00 pm last night, so my fast will be shorter than hers but i havent fasted in so long that it will be an accomplishment nonetheless :]
OH! and i think i may have decided to fast on new years eve (besides the enormous amounts of alcohol i will be drinking), and start abc on january first :] but idk yet. i tried that last year and got like a week in :p
one year my old best friend and i were like competing on new years to see who could go the longest with no calories. it was like a new years resolution to not eat like ever and we survived for like 3 days on coffee diet mountain dew and water. it was awesome :( i really miss those days. that was before we met mia and she fucked us up for life. and before i lost the worst best friend i have ever had :'(
but no matter because i am hoping that fasting today will awaken ana's voices that i haven't heard in so long. and she's going to make me exercise today too because i haven't been doing that as much as i should. i need to tone up before i go back to school so mr. adorable will think i'm adorable <3
its so amazing what photo editing can do. i only wish i really looked like this like for real :/
Sunday, December 19, 2010
you know what this means
everytime he sees me naked i have to look better than i looked the last time he saw me naked.......
i have to lose more weight like NOW
like fucking ASAP
:( i cannot go back to school looking the way i did when i left. i need to be under 145 and like 3 days empty when i go back and i HAVE TO START STRENGTH TRAINING AGAIN TO GET RID OF THIS FAT THAT IS DEVOURING MY BODY!!!
im in like panic mode now
i wish i could snap my fingers and it all be gone
i just want it all gone i want to be skinny but not too skinny and not skinny-fat
i need to be more toned so i dont jiggle when i walk
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im not fucking good enough i fucking hate this part
ive been eating everyday
but not bingeing
trying to stay sane
my diet pills came in yesterday
we meet again!
and so the eating less and less shall commence and hence my weight shall drop below 145 finally!
last time i checked, i was at 148 after the one binge i had a few days ago
i played ddr for like 3 hours yesterday
and shall do the same today
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
im trying to stay sane
ive eaten salads every day since ive been home, so hopefully it balances out all the other stuff :/ yesterday and today weren't SO bad, 1000 calories give or take :/ but nowhere near where i should be :(
tomorrow will be better. and i hopefully will be going to walmart tomorrow so im gonna buy laxatives. i still haven't taken my last two yet, but i think today could be the day :/ blehhhhh
but like today and yesterday i ate a LOT but it was all relatively low cal foods like lots of salads and vegetables but still :/
lots of fiber though, so i guess its not all bad, and mostly 'negative' cal foods
and now im just making excuses for my horrible self control. :/
admit it heather: i have no self control when i am at home.
i will fix this. starting tomorrow.
Monday, December 13, 2010
i missed ddr so much lol
i played for an hour and a half and burned a little over 500 calories, and i only ate some yogurt (100) and a fruit cup (60) today so far. i still feel huge and gross but better and im not going to eat anything other than like vegetables tonight for dinner so hopefully tomorrow i will feel back to normal ish. this weekend sucked :p im debating on taking my last two laxatives but i think ill save them for a real emergency. and plus i've been taking chitosan daily for about a month so most of the fatty foods i ate will come out eventually anyways.
idk what else to talk about lol
i need to find something to do. i need to shower and call the state attorney's office about my drug classes but i don't want to :p blehh
btw: my mom really did eat like somewhere between 8 and 20 brownies with whipped cream and almonds and chocolate syrup for lunch yesterday.... i could understand maybe 5 at most but like those brownies were really rich and wayyyy chocolatey and my mom is nowhere near as much of a chocoholic as me so i was just like omg... o.o
but ive totally done that before :/ so i cant say much.
i threw out the rest of the sweets :]
and the bread because bread is another weakness. i told my mom it was moldy.
how is everyone on this fine monday? its chilly out <3
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
spaghetti and brownies today
BUT i will fast tomorrow. i have two laxatives left. i don't think i am going to take them because idk when i will be able to get more because i am home for christmas and idk when mom is gonna be going to walmart :/
but when she does all this junk will be out of me.
in the meantime all i can really do is fast tomorrow. i'm thinking i'll just do a liquids only fast.
stick to my 700 calories a day, liquids only, including juice, coffee, tea, clear soup, diet soda (but probably not because i haven't had soda in a while) and that's about all we have to drink here other than of course water. i need to drink water more, i haven't done that in a loooooong time :/ but oh wells.
we decorated the tree today :] and i made way too many brownies and cupcakes and cookies :p ughhh but it's all in christmas spirit, and with my family here, they are already halfway gone, and by tomorrow evening, if they aren't gone, i'll just flush them down the toilet.
i haven't had to flush food down the toilet in so long that the idea of that seems downright retarded.
but then, i also miss the stealth of it and the feeling of pulling the wool over my mom's eyes.
hence therefore, i shall be flushing alot of food over the next few weeks.
and i will NOT be a binge monster. no no no! i refuse.
i must get to 140 by new year's.
i realize i have been rambling.
i do not care lol
umm... what else....
i had to take christmas pictures with my mom and my brother today at the beach with santa hats. it was freezing. i was made to wear white, and therefore looked fat. but only in my stomach. the rest of me looked pretty damn good if i do say so myself. especially my face. i can't believe how much weight i have lost in my face its so amazing.
except i can almost guarantee that tomorrow i will feel all bloaty and gross.
but that is ok because i have my DDR and also tae bo and i will be rocking the fuck out of DDR tomorrow. i really wanted to do some today but i was gone all day with pictures and then the tree and now i just feel like blahhhh and i want to sleep :/ sleeping is the last thing you're supposed to do after eating alot of sweets :'( and i read somewhere that sugar before bed gives you crazy dreams and nightmares.
which is like exactly what i need right more reasons to have nightmares :p ugh
so, tomorrow will include at least 2 hours of DDR and lots of coffee/tea and maybe some soup and some juice for energy and then i will read a book and i also brought my paint so i could also create a masterpiece tomorrow if i wish but in no way shape or form will tomorrow include solid foods.
how will you make your sunday a good day?
thanks to felicia, dylphe, the other heather, adrienne, morgan, impractical shopper, lilah lee, charlie, scarlett, and miana for comments on my love life :D and you guys are awesome!!!!!!!!
mom is making us take christmas pictures today :p mehhh
at least im sexy :D
(go check out my thinspo site: starvingthinspo.blogspot.com)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
xDDD isn't he fucking adorable?!?!?! XDive eaten too much this week, still alot less than 'normal' whatever the hell that is, but too much for me but actually right now i do not even care because im wearing his huge hoodie and he thinks i look adorable in it and i CAN NOT STOP SMILING LIKE THIS:
did i mention he's an animal? tehehe rawrrrr xD i gots bruises and hickeys everywheres:
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
mr. adorable- "what is it? :)"
me- "i sorta kinda maybe likes you :D tehe"
mr. adorable- "tehe i sorta kinda maybe likes you too :D"
annnd that pretty much describes how my whole day/night/next day went :]
so my fasting all week has paid off maybe? finally??
thanks everyone for comments i loves you all!!!