the longer i stay at home the more i hate everything and hate myself and the more i want to eat :'( i feel so broken. like when the semester ended i had turned myself into a pretty little doll and nw i feel like the little girl carrying the doll has thrown her against the wall and shattered me into a million pieces.
i have been eating all day.
i havent exercised at all.\
and part of me doesnt even care because its not worth it to care this much about what i look like, especially while im home. nobody here cares about me, or how i look. the only time my mom talks to me is to bitch about how her life is so hard or to ask/make me do shit for her or fix this or do that, or to tell me i look too skinny and i should stop losing weight. even though technically im still overweight. im invisible here. i dont exist.
if i dont exist then i can be fat.
but i cant just let myself go because i have a future waiting for me in two weeks back at school.
but there is nothing i want more right now than to eat all the food in my house and throw up. i havent thrown up in so long :( i dont want to start again, but i feel like there isnt anything else to do. i dont have any friends to hang out with and the only thing i have been doing all break is facebook and lying in bed doing nothing. perfecting the art of not existing, if you will. i watch movies when i get high. and i cook elaborate meals and desserts. and i eat them. and i take laxatives and i cry and i hate every square inch of my soul for it but i cant stop and i feel like there is no hope for me at all as long as i am at home because home means chaos and no routine and a big black hole of nothingness. there is nothing for me here.
next year i refuse to stay home for christmas. i'll go somewhere else, i dont care where, anywhere but here.
i wish i could just smoke cigarettes all day but then my mom would know that i smoke her cigarettes and she would freak.
and if she ever found out i still smoke pot she would kick me out.
and i have nowhere else to go. like literally nowhere else.
the people i do still talk to arent close enough friends for me to just go hang out with them for a few days. i would feel way too awkward.
i dont have any close friends anymore.
they all turned their backs on me when i needed them the most. just like everyone else, you think you know someone and can rely on them and they fuck you in the ass til puss comes out and you cant sit down without being reminded of how much those experiences have scarred you in every way possible, for life.
i cant trust anyone enough to let them get that close to me ever again. to keep with the metaphor, i gotta keep my ass covered at all times, just in case. nobody is ever gonna get that close to me.
except im too open of a person to not spill my guts whenever someone asks me to :/ and then, if they haven't known me long enough, they get freaked out and think im some crazy insane freak.
the truth is, i am a crazy insane freak, and the whole world is to blame for it because nobody takes the time to actually listen to me or try to understand what im thinking.
hell, i cant understand myself right now.
i dont know how to process most of my emotions because ive been scared of them for so long, so now all i do is eat. and eat and eat and eat. and take laxatives to keep from getting as big as a house.
and i dont care.
i dont want to live like this but for the time being there isnt really another option, so im gonna have to just deal with it for 2 more weeks until i get back to school.
i would do anything at all to be able to go back to school tomorrow. for break to be over with. for my life to be halfway ok again.
home is too overwhelming for me. at school i can try to be the person i have always wanted to be: thin, pretty, and sweet, with friends and a life and a beautiful significant other who likes me for me.
what even is me? i dont even know anymore. i have no me.