Thursday, January 27, 2011
she isnt gonna make me eat over 800 calories a day if i dont want to but she is gonna help me get the most out of these calories and figure out how to add more protein to my diet.
i wouldnt necessarily label myself "in recovery", but i am going to try and eat more healthily. she said that because of eating next to nothing my brain could be functioning less than normal which explains my total lack of concentration and focus.
but yeah so im working on improving myself in a better way than just not eating.
hence therefore, i will be living off of cliff bars and odwalla shakes.
idk where i'm going with this...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
i am so broke right now its not even funny :/ i hate credit cards
they kicked in in the middle of a movie with my bf my roomie and her bf in the room next to the bathroom and it was dead silence when i came out of the bathroom.............
but nobody said anything about it sooo idk :( waaaaa
Monday, January 17, 2011
good ish news is i feel lighter and theres no food or money anywhere so even if i wanted to eat i couldnt :/ which sucks because im so fucking hungry
like in the bad way that if i had the opportunity to eat something other than frozen veggies i would totally cave and just eat everything :( i hate knowing that i wouldnt be able to control that.
ive been drinking alot lately though with my bf :] so my social life is kickass right now.
and im no longer bloated from winter break.
i think im getting too used to my body the way it is right now though its starting to scare me. like i dont want to look like this forever but sometimes i feel like it doesnt really matter anyways because at least im not 215 pounds again...
i dont want to maintain. maintenance is very very monotonous and i wanna be as tiny as my roommate.
i think basically mostly what i need now is exercise. lots and lots of it. but i dont have like any time for it because when im not in class im sleeping or partying i miss having the dorm to myself but i dont have that anymore which sucks because that means i cant exercise because i cant do that in front of my roomie it would be too awkward :/
i dont care that im rambling i need to vent stuff. get my thoughts out there i guess. ive been having so many thoughts so fast lately and no time to write them down. im going to start writing in my paper journal more because it was one of my new years resolutions and i have neglected that. basically all it is is a food journal though :/
why is every aspect of my life controlled by food?
sometimes i just want out.
sometimes i just want to drink the thoughts away.
last night my bf sang me a song he wrote and one of the lines in it was:
"i know things aren't always as they seem but i feel like everyone around me is living my dream"
like for real my roomie has the perfect life perfect body im so jealous of her. i mean she has alot of like family issues and stuff but still... i mean my life doesnt suck right now its actually pretty awesome im just not losing weight ugh see everything is controlled by food and weight and numbers ugh
imma go heat up some clear soup now. its the only thing i have in my dorm. which is good. but also bad because i know its not the healthy way to be
what the fuck even is healthy?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
needless to say i have not even thought about counting calories or anything and i havent exercised except for the walking i do everyday back and forth to classes but i havent been eating alot really like at all and i look smaller already so imma just assume that its ok for now and keep on starving :]
i hope everyone is doing ok i miss you guys!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
i wish i could just live on this shit
but then i wouldnt be a very good vegetarian/halfway vegan...
lol it would be awesome if all i had in my dorm was eggs and broccoli though :] i think i will try that one of these days.
omg my intestines feel really weird i purged with miralax the other day at my grandmas and like ever since then my intestines have been making the weirdest noises... anyone else ever used miralax???
gosh i am so addicted to tumblr now i love it. it is constantly updated and the more thinspo sites i follow the more time i get to spend on it and the more time i spend on it the less i think about eating!!! this semester is going to be amazing. i cannot wait. imma get to 140 by the end of this month and i will come home on my brothers bday in february and my whole family will be like ...the fuckkkk?!!??!?!!? and ill be like yeah bitches you said i couldnt get any skinnier if i tried well try this!
i hate them. they have no faith in me.
the truth is, i would probably be ok with myself at this weight if it werent for me being so flabby. i need to tone up.
guess the fuck what
they tore down the gym on campus. theyre rebuilding it. it wont be done until fucking next year.
sooooo i will have to rely on ddr and tae bo and possibly running through the nature trails on campus :/ fml
so i have no access to weight machines :/ must do calisthenics!
but anyways i was gonna talk about my family for a sec
my mom told me not to lose any more weight and just to tone up
my grandma actually asked me when im going to GAIN some weight...
i was like...
the day you stop being a bitch how bout that
ill gain some weight when a doctor fully diagnoses me as anorexic. try like 40 pounds from now, k?
one of my cousins told me i couldnt lose any more weight if i starved myself....
i was like...
140 by feb 1st.
thats all that matters right now.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
there are girls way bigger than me
who look ten times better :(
WHAT THE FUCK
I HAVE TO LOSE 20 POUNDS
egg whites + 57
1/4 cup cheese +80
1/4 cup rice + 55
1/4 cup black eyed peas +98
diet coke/water/tea/coffee +0
DDR (90 minutes) -500
note the negative sign on my net cals for the day :] guess who is insanely happy????? this is the first good day i have had since my last day of fall semester. start the year off right! but im still very very bloated and disgusting from the whole its-new-years-eve-so-lets-eat-all-the-food-now thing...
but no matter :]
i need to stay positive and focused. my goal is 140 by the end of the month.
total so far: 136 calories (of pure protein)
im starting a paper journal again. i need it. i'm going to start writing in it like all throughout the day and then i'll type up the day's journalling on here.
my grandma just asked me if i wanted cinnamon rolls.
do i look like i wanna look like you when i'm old?!
(don't answer that...)
i hear it in my mind
but for some reason i just really want to eat
and usually when this happens
way too much
but im trying to start the year off good but idk if i will
i know i can
i just dont know if i will :/
not knowing is always the worst.
trying to stay strong <3
might start abc today, idk yet