Monday, January 17, 2011

been too long

i apologize :/ ive been really busy trying to keep up with my classes i dont think im failing anything yet but i feel like im way behind :/ ugh
good ish news is i feel lighter and theres no food or money anywhere so even if i wanted to eat i couldnt :/ which sucks because im so fucking hungry
like in the bad way that if i had the opportunity to eat something other than frozen veggies i would totally cave and just eat everything :( i hate knowing that i wouldnt be able to control that.

ive been drinking alot lately though with my bf :] so my social life is kickass right now.
and im no longer bloated from winter break.

i think im getting too used to my body the way it is right now though its starting to scare me. like i dont want to look like this forever but sometimes i feel like it doesnt really matter anyways because at least im not 215 pounds again...
i dont want to maintain. maintenance is very very monotonous and i wanna be as tiny as my roommate.
i think basically mostly what i need now is exercise. lots and lots of it. but i dont have like any time for it because when im not in class im sleeping or partying i miss having the dorm to myself but i dont have that anymore which sucks because that means i cant exercise because i cant do that in front of my roomie it would be too awkward :/

i dont care that im rambling i need to vent stuff. get my thoughts out there i guess. ive been having so many thoughts so fast lately and no time to write them down. im going to start writing in my paper journal more because it was one of my new years resolutions and i have neglected that. basically all it is is a food journal though :/
why is every aspect of my life controlled by food?
sometimes i just want out.
sometimes i just want to drink the thoughts away.

last night my bf sang me a song he wrote and one of the lines in it was:
"i know things aren't always as they seem but i feel like everyone around me is living my dream"
like for real my roomie has the perfect life perfect body im so jealous of her. i mean she has alot of like family issues and stuff but still... i mean my life doesnt suck right now its actually pretty awesome im just not losing weight ugh see everything is controlled by food and weight and numbers ugh

imma go heat up some clear soup now. its the only thing i have in my dorm. which is good. but also bad because i know its not the healthy way to be
what the fuck even is healthy?


  1. Just think when you get that body you'll have more than her!

  2. food is my constant thought too. i drink to chase the shadows out of my mind...but they are relentless and come back stronger.