Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
milk in my coffee, sliced soy "turkey", quinoa with broccoli and cheese, mixed nuts, cake, rice crispy treat, black beans, green beans, cereal, cranberries... 1500 calories
what i purged today:
ice cream, waffles, cereal, cake, milk, pbj sammich, bagels, grilled cheese, poptart
i need weed. now.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
i'm hoping to be like 137 by new years. 137 at the most. idk what i weigh now, last time i checked i was 143, so i have 6 pounds to lose.
with how little i've been eating, and how may days a week i walk to work, and how much i plan on lifting weights, i think i can do it.
i need to buy a scale for my dorm.
i miss you guys. i've been so busy with work and school and drugs :/ ugh lol
Thursday, December 8, 2011
but i'm too much of a pussy to kill myself.
like where the fuck did all this come from? it was so random, but so true :(
Sunday, December 4, 2011
and now cody is upset
i mean, i feel horrible about it because i love cody
but were not in a relationship, and he told me he wouldn't care if i had sex with other people
but then he said "well if i was drunk with a girl i couldn't sleep with her because she's not you"
and im just like
well fuck everything then, you should have told me that before i slept with another guy
like, as if i didnt feel bad enough already...
and cody has been really depressed lately so like he stopped being all cute and sweet with me and stuff so i was just like wtf like i felt like he was ignoring me
and i tried to give him space, and i tried to smother him with love, and neither of those worked
so now i dont know what to do
except cry, and be sad
except big girls dont cry
so i binge and purge instead
why is that the fucking answer to fucking everything?!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
reality: get off work, binge, purge, play sims, no sleep, work...
im too mentally exhausted to be alive :( i had 500 calories yesterday and like 600 the day before that and i only have one of my papers done and i have like $120 worth of ecstasy to sell by monday. i haven't been to the gym, i have a $150 late fee to pay for my school, and i have to talk to my therapist on campus to see why there is still a medical withdrawal hold on my registration account :( i cant even register for next semester yet because of it and registration started 11 days ago so all the classes i need to take are full now :'(
what the fuck am i going to do?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
i mean, we're best friends, it's not like we haven't had sex before, and it kind of just makes more sense than just being friends and the both of us being all sad and lonely. and i like the cuddles :)
and even though we are best friends, and we've tried the whole dating thing before and we both know that it never has worked before because we're such good friends, it kind of is like this: we're both lonely, and we've known each other for like 5 years, and no matter what happens whenever we're both single we always come back to each other. like, we tried to be bf/gf the first time, but he met this other girl and fell madly in love with her and i stepped back because i guessed he just wanted to be friends and then we hid under this cover of "oh he's just like a brother to me we're just best friends" for a long time.
yeah i still think about jake a lot though, i miss him, and i would give anything to have him back. no one is ever going to take his place.
i just wish i had told him i loved him more often.
anyways, so basically my life right now= no food, lots of sex, lots of work, and lots of weed. no time to exercise, but sex with me is pretty much exercise (lol) and i'm on my feet all day long at work so i'm ok with this.
i need to get my school caught up.
and now i feel like i'm just rambling..... the actual point of this post is just that i feel a lot better right now than i did a few weeks ago (minus the tired all the time thing) and also that im gettin my dick wet :D tehehe
Saturday, November 5, 2011
drugs aren't free. lol
my schoolwork is gonna go right down the drain now too though, i have three exams this week, i had to drop one of my classes, and i have like no time to do homework like ever...
oh and i have two papers due this month :(
working is keeping me from eating as much, so at least i'll be a rich skinny bitch :D
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
cuz i didn't really eat at all for like 6 days
except i just did.
and i purged
and it all came out in like 5 minutes...
cuz my friend wanted to drink
so now im basically drinking on an empty stomach :)
my weekend was fucking amazing.
i did acid. it was fucking awesome.
i feel like i lost ten pounds.
my first day of work was yesterday. i have to work morning shifts from 9am-5pm... fuck my life.
i work thursday friday and saturday
so no more drugs for me this weekend
OH and i have 2 papers due by next week
no food for me this week
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
good morning… i was high last night, i binged on 1400 calories, but it was all like… quinoa… and oatmeal… and soup…. so i got like 62g fiber yesterday… so today should be a shitty day lol
anyway, i was gonna fast today, but i want to exercise a lot today, but then my friend that i got high with last night was like come over when you wake up…so what do i do?
do i eat a small breakfast, workout, shower, then go hang out? or do i eat nothing and go hang out? or do i eat nothing, workout, feel like shit and lay around all day lol
i kinda wanna just chug coffee (with no splenda cuz im out D:) and go see my friend. if i hang out with him all day i wont have to eat really cuz he knows about my issues somewhat…
Friday, October 21, 2011
lots of drugs
my anxiety is through the fucking roof...
i cant eat the whole time but then theyll notice and im just like aaauguhghguhzlvfb\hbdchJAV
and i legit cannot do fast food, no way no how... i feel like even the water at mcdonalds has grease in it :(
also, im kind of pissed at these "friends" because yesterday was supposed to be me cody and emily in the nature trails and weed and yeah and now its me cody and his two guy friends and weed and lsd and ecstasy in a car for 24 hours... ugh
so yeah :(
nothing ever goes as planned, and when i try to make plans people are all like "oh your idea sucks mine is better lets do this instead" like oh fuck you heather
yes, fuck me, fuck every fucking thing
Thursday, October 20, 2011
monday =2932 calories
tuesday= 2072 calories
wednesday= 955 calories
i did so good yesterday until i got back to my dorm :c
today though, i am gonna do lots of drugs. and fast. if i eat anything it will be oatmeal or soup or beans.
omg i had 99g of fiber yesterday :x lol like seriously wtf why do i love black beans so much?!?!
they dont give me gas like everyone else, that is a plus lol
anyways umm... i had to withdraw from one of my classes, my poetry class, because i never go and i cannot afford to fail, and all my other classes are great so yeah thats what i did. also, i need to go to the gym like asap because i havent been in weeks :'c
uhh... thats about it. if i dont update over the weekend im either way stoned, tripping, or (hopefully) at the gym. im not going home for two weekends. im forcing myself to stay at school because i need to stop all this bingeing crap. and if i run out of food ill just starve then. i have enough beans and soup and coffee to last me two weeks lol xD
Monday, October 17, 2011
i've gained so much weight :''( i can't stop eating and i have 2 exams today and i cant go to class because im fat and im freaking out but at the same time i dont care because nothing fucking matters anyways :(
ive gone through like 5 bazillion emotions today, every shade of emotion from mania to extreme anger to anxiety and then crying all over the place like a baby :(
Sunday, October 16, 2011
im finna do it.
i ate shit today. i want to start over. i need to buy laxatives again.
they didn't help me lose weight but they sure helped my "starting over" mindset.
and right now i wish i could take about 15 of them.
and then start over monday morning.
im so tired of being a failure. i just want to feel pretty :(
(except we dont have anymore epsom salts cuz mom had to use them for her feet wtf)
so im staying up all night, flushing everything out with water and coffee and tea. no sleep. as punishment.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
1090 calories total today
haven't eaten in 3 hours
now it wants vodka
oh and also, the way i was standing in that picture made me look smaller, btw, i was bending over, which naturally makes anyone who has their legs far enough apart look like they have smaller legs, theyre actually just fat and flabby
i might put a real picture up tomorrow
or i might not
because well im gross duh
total is 2050 :(
minus the vodka
shoulda went straight for the vodka, i never eat when i'm drinking :(((
i stopped myself though cuz my teeth hurt really bad so that's why it was only a mini binge, and i keep having this image of purging and my teeth floating around in the toilet, so when they started hurting i just stopped everything and chugged like a gallon of water....
im gonna go pee a river now and go sleep :(
what the fuck heather stop being so irrational...
btw here's what i am wearing. i think i look like shit. the outfit would be so much cuter if i hadn't binged the past three days :(
anyways this is acceptable for a job interview at a department store right???
Thursday, October 13, 2011
i was watching halloweentown and about to eat some lima beans for lunch, and i remembered when i was little i used to want to be a cromwell witch sooooo bad like in the movie and i even had a group of girls a grade younger than me believing that i was a witch and they would get mad at me if i made the wind blow too hard and stuff (i think i was like 7 at the time lol) bu tyeah remembering how halloween and autumn was when i was little just made me sad. and then i was watching wish upon a star and i remembered how i used to want so badly to be alexis and i would like play dress up to look like her and stuff :(
i just wanna be a kid again. i want to waste away into nothing. i’ve had 550 calories today and i just want to die. it’s too much. i should have fasted since i binged so horribly last night. i need to go work out but im too sad and i dont care.
im having one of those days where you just wanna whine and cry and lay under blankets and watch old movies that make you sad. and drink lots of coffee because for some reason i think it will help me be skinnier tomorrow like the caffeine or something.
i have no rational thoughts. fuck everything.i'm so sad :'(
i don’t do all this shit for attention, it’s way deeper than that, but i sure as hell don’t do it for nothing. it always seems like when i’m eating the least or when i’m throwing up the most, nobody cares, unless i’m losing weight. nobody ever even notices. when i first started losing weight people noticed, because i lost the first 20-50 pounds in about 4 months, and my mom noticed how sick i looked. i would give anything to just look sick again. i want to throw out every piece of food in my dorm and just lay in my bed until i’m skin and bones. this is not about wanting to be thin and pretty and skinny and beautiful “so chad can throw me in the pool in the summahh” and “so i can lyke totes wear all da kewt klothezz”……….i really just want to die. i know i’m ugly and no amount of weight lost will change that, but malnutrition looks on the outside how it looks on the inside, and THAT is my goal.
i literally took the whole food bin, and dumped it in the dumpster outside my building.
the only thing i have now is sugar free chai latte drink mix, 3 packets of hot chocolate, coffee, and clear soups. i used to go weeks on liquid fasts, and there’s fucking nothing stopping me from doing it again. idk why i’ve been so stupid lately.
also, my job interview is tomorrow. i NEED this job. for money, yes, but also so i will be fucking out of my dorm more often and away from food.
i got high and binged on pumpkin flavored shit
pictures of nature trails coming soon, i'm going back today to take more pictures cuz the ones i took yesterday while i was high are very blurry lol
seriously eating less today though, and i'm off to the gym before i go walking. fasting tomorrow because of the job interview and i have to go to my little brother's homecoming dance for football tomorrow night which means i have to dress up :p
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
just to clear that up...
anyways, i need advice.
it's only been 5 months since jake died. he was my SOULMATE. not soulmate in the 6th grade kind of way "omg hes so cute i luuuuuuv himmm :D <333" kind of way, but in the "we have the best conversations and you hold me and keep me safe and tell me life is amazing and we do lots of awesome shit together and we both suck at life but we suck together so its ok and you make me smile when all i want to do is kill myself" kind of way.
but, there's this guy, who i've known for 5 years named cody (the same guy that i blogged about the other day with the whole we got drunk and had sex but its ok because its not the first time it happened and i was drunk and dont remember so it didnt happen thing). i most likely have talked about him here before, but anyways, hes like my brother kind of. hes younger than me but like super tall and hes really protective over me. we tried dating a lot of times but it never works out because were like brother and sister so it just ends up us dating for a week and holding hands and having sex and then it gets awkward like "holy shit i just had sex with my brother!!" either that or he ends up wanting to fuck every other girl so we break up. but we've been best friends for 5 years.
anyway, last night we got high and talked for like 6 hours and he told me im the only girl hes ever loved and he wishes it would have worked out before and all this stuff, like he was coming on to me, and im just laying there like "oh god not this again..." and i didnt know how to respond so i was just like "oh.. uhh.. okk..." he never actually said he wanted to try it again but he pretty much was implying it...
and part of me is like, well, he has money and drugs, and we could just be together and get fucked up together and it would be awesome, but he like super loves me and i am completely void of emotion so i cant reciprocate that, and also, im still way too in love with jake and too depressed about what happened, and also, im in a relationship with food that i REFUSE TO GIVE UP because FUCK YOU I WILL BE SKINNY ONE DAY
but,,,,,, if he has money and drugs, i could just spend all my time with him and do drugs (no food) and we would (obviously) have lots of sex (exercise) so maybe being i na relationship would help me get skinny?
but then, hes my friend and i dont want to hurt him in that way so idk
and also, if we were dating again, and me being emotionally unresponsive, and if he found another girl he liked more, i would probably die because i do love him just not like that and i get too jealous even if i dont really like the person ya know?
sorry if this doesnt make sense...
idk i just dont want to be in a relationship really. like i do, but i dont, and i dont want to hurt anyone because jake will always have my heart so i cant just give it to someone else
and i dont see the point in being with someone if you're not in love, because im hopelessly romantic and bullshitty...
sigh :/ i just want to waste away and cease to exist.
sometimes i don’t think i have an eating disorder. i can eat 1500 calories for days straight and not lose or gain and be somewhat content with that, although i would rather lose, but i dont have the will to starve anymore. maybe it’s wearing off?
but then some days i eat maybe 600 calories all day and then come home and binge on 40000 and purge and go to the gym and burn like 2000… i just don’t know anymore
I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW AT ROSS!!!!! :D:D:D
Monday, October 10, 2011
i skipped my first class and i just wanna skip my other two today and watch halloweentown and casper and b/p all day.
i have no friends. i guess they figured i'm ok now since it's jake's bday and all and he's been dead for five months and five months is enough time to get over the death of your soulmate right yeah so sure heather's just fucking fine and back to fucking normal...
i have to lose weight. i have to be a skeleton so they can actually physically SEE the fucking pain i am in :( fucking ignorant bitches.
yeah, 14 hours :p ugh
i had a veggie burger and some crackers.
i stopped myself before i binged, though, and im currently making a pot of beans for dinner if i'm hungry then (i probably will be) but i most likely am going to put them fridge for tomorrow or the next day or the next day because i need to stop being so greedy because im a failure and a weak greedy american pig and if i dont stop ill be just like every other fucking american pig.
oh hell naw, i refuse.
also, if i live long enough to be old. i'm moving to russia in the mountains in a log cabin in the middle of the woods miles and miles away from society, and ill have 42 cats and a stockpile of liquor. and internet. and tea.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
i was gonna fast today but i ate my brother's leftover pancakes ( i made them, they were smores pancakes and theyre sofuckingdelicious omg) but yeah. and we dont have splenda so i used hot chocolate in my coffee. and i made it all special, with a huge marshmallow and stuffs. only cuz we didn't have mini marshmallows. i only ate half the marshmallow though cuz i was expecting it to melt and it didnt......
idk how many calories it was, i didnt count on purpose because it's fucking autumn and i want to fucking be motherfucking festive. lol.
i was sad yesterday, because it's fall now. and i want to throw orange and yellow leaves around the yard. i want to go bobbing for apples and drink spiced hot chocolate. i want to carve a pumpkin, and go on a hayride and take a walk through the woods in a big sweater and boots. i want to do all these “autumn festivities” because i never ever have done them before, but i have no one to do them with, because i have no friends. and i live in florida so all we do is go to the beach =’(
anyway.... here's some fall spam :/
and the best for last, this picture makes me so unbearably sad. i just want to cry forever. it's my favorite season and the only person i imagined spending autumn with is gone...
there is no god because if there was one he would not have taken away the only person who ever made me feel normal. thsi picture would have been exactly me and jake, the style, the tattoos, everything :(
Thursday, October 6, 2011
what i’ve eaten today (trying so hard not to binge)
B: coffee X4 (125), 3 egg whites (48), cheese (80), imitation bacon bits (15), apple (50) = 318
L: green tea (0), chick peas (110), green beans (45), sweet peas (60), pear (60) = 275
total= 593 calories, 14g. fat, 18g. fiber, 38g. protein
i have no idea what i am having for dinner. we literally have no salad vegetables :( and the only protein i can get is from beans (calories) or cheese (fat) because we’re almost out of eggs… i might skip dinner and just chug water.
OH that reminds me, i’ve had 6 glasses of water today… i usually have 6 glasses of water over a period of a week, so i’ll probably be heavier in the morning because i retain water like crazy. but that’s ok because i need to drink loads more water anyway. i don’t feel like working out really at all, so i’m distracting myself with schoolwork and stuffs.
we’re also out of splenda, so my green tea tastes like shit but i need to get used to not using splenda because it is expensive and unnecessary.
i really don’t want to binge but i know later on today i’m going to be really hungry and i’m terrified of what could happen. i feel so bad for eating tons of food at home because my mom just lost her food stamps so she has no money for food so like the food that is here has to last them for like an unknown length of time, and my bingeing on it definitely makes things worse. i always try to binge on the cheaper food like pasta and oatmeal and stuff because it’s not as expensive and they don’t really ever eat that kind of thing, so idk. bleh.
my throat hurts from last night. i threw up three bowls of ramen and two bags of popcorn :p
achievement unlocked: public bathrooms.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
“i am tired, i am weary, i could sleep for a thousand years…”
i’m going home. i failed my plan, and idgaf, tbqh. i’m going to try my hardest not to binge so much when i get home, and i am going to make some amazing coffee. i don’t have money for starbucks so i’ll make it at home, i’m going to treat myself for no reason, and i don’t care. i’m gonna try to take it easy, and figure things out. i’m gonna catch up on all my homework, and next week i will not miss any classes. i just want to be perfect, but this whole thing is turning me into the opposite. i wish i could die, but obviously (after 3 overdoses and 2 car accidents and going 2 weeks with no solid food- multiple suicide attempts) my body is immortal, and i am a god. so whatever. this weekend will be full of gourmet shit and schoolwork. and hopefully i’ll get the courage to go to my brother’s football game.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
i haven't ever really had any of the special drinks from starbucks :X
so0o0o0o0o i told myself, if i follow my plan for this week, i'll try the pumpkin spice latte :)
pretty much no food all week. i'm only allowing like black beans right after my workouts. i have to lift weights 10x before i go home next thursday/friday, and i have to lift weights at least 4 times before i get pumpkin spice latte. i’ll get the latte on friday on my way to the library. i can make it that long, right? i looked it up, if i get nonfat milk and no whip, it’s only 260 calories and has 14g protein, so it’s totally ok to get one right after i workout (yay protein).
i plan on lifting weights today (done!) tuesday, thursday, and then friday right before i go get it :)
idk why i'm so excited about this latte..... i seriously have only ever had like the light sugar free caramel frappuccino with soy not milk, and like... black coffee... and tea lol
anyways, i think it's a good goal to work for.
also, i'm going to fast this weekend. 50 hours, starting as soon as i finish my latte (i think, it depends on what plans i make this weekend)
so yeah.... two weeks til i go home. oh and if i feel like i'm dying i'll make popcorn :p
k im going to nutrition class now where she'll teach about why your body needs certain nutrients (that come from things other than beans and popcorn.... :P) in order to survive.
i already know like everything she is teaching us.... basically off to class to zone out :p
then imma watch for the love of nancy :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
i am so angry all the fucking time lately and i do not fucking know why
yes, i do know why, its because i fucking hate everything and i can't starve myself and i can't binge when mom is home and i can't kill myself and i hate every single thing right now
Saturday, October 1, 2011
good thing im not jewish xD
well i pre-partied for next saturday then, cuz i had a nomvom fest today while mom and little brother were gone sooooo
i feel so loopy xD
except my eyes hurt from straining, and my cheeks are getting puffy
im downloading hannibal rising!
omfg mom has vodka in the freezer :D
i got everything out when i purged i think im pretty sure i did so ill just fast for the rest of the day or have a small salad for dinner and then imma get my drank on and watch hannibal rising :)
oh, bad news: im 150 again *stabbity rip stab stab* fuck my LIFE!
but its ok cuz its october now and im not coming home next weekend and i have no money and no food in my dorm so i will just fast like for the next two weeks or something yay so ill be skinny on halloween.... maybe
i wanna lose 10 pounds by then, totally doable as long as i dont binge. :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
i even threw up some of my lunch. what am i becoming?
oh well, i have some movies and some vodka and mommy is coming to pick me up in the morning to take me back to la-la-land for the weekend.
Girl, Interrupted. Black Swan. Hannibal.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
BUT! i didn't purge.
except then mom wanted to take me to dairy queen before she dropped me off at my dorm, since we didn't really do anything for my birthday, and i already had like 3000 calories today so i was like meh wwutevaa and i got this huuuge ice cream thing that was a little over 1000 calories and when i realized i had eaten over 4000 calories and not purged, i tried to as soon as i got here, and i got like maybe half a cup full of vomit -______________- i was like.. seriously.. seriously... ugh
i promised myself this morning when i woke up i would go to the campus gym today.
AND I DID
and i lifted heavy weights, heavier than i ever have and that made me proud. and also because i’m the only girl in there ever who actually lifts weights… and there definitely were people there bigger than me, and this one girl reminded me of my former self from like 3 years ago (i was 215) and she was GETTING IT on the elliptical and i wanted to get some pompoms and cheer her on!!!!! lol..
i didn’t burn as many calories as i planned to, but i did more today than i usually do when i go to the gym. i lifted weights for 40 minutes and then 45 minutes on the crosstrainer thing and burned like 1000 calories total, so i am pretty proud of myself :)
im seriously the only girl in the gym who looks like a drowning rat from sweat who lifts 50lb weights and all the other girls are running on the treadmill with their skinny-fat flapping in the wind. like… seriously? i could kick you guys’s asses >:)
i do miss doing the crosstrainer for hours though, cardio is nice. i don't think my heart would have been able to handle it after this weekend though, but i do want to work myself up to more cardio so my heart will be ok maybe....
ok so goals for the week:
- lift weights at least 3 times (full body, 3 sets of 15 reps).
- burn at least 3500 calories in cardio (700calories/day, 5 days).
- have protein after every. single. workout.
ha.. anyway.. imma drink my bedtime tea and watch war of the worlds, and try to sleep eventually :) <3
I AM FUCKING BACK MOTHERFUCKERS! (oh and i will be posting some of my collages on here sometime this week)
i found all my old journals from when i first started really losing weight. i fasted for 6 whole days once and lost like 30 pounds in a month. i used to do "liquids only" for days and days and every wednesday was "zero calories wednesday"
what in the actual fuck happened to me? it was SO easy then, like i literally was a fucking PRO at dis shiiit.
so............what's stopping me from doing all that now?
oh, yeah... nothing!
i will be fucking skinny. i used to make collages, i have over 300 of them in a folder with my journals. and i will be making a lot more of them.
today i have had about 750 calories today, it is 2:15pm, and i am green tea fasting for the rest of the day. i will be fasting this week sometime. wednesday will be no calories.
im gonna fucking do this. im tired of not actually working for it like i used to.
i will be working out some this week, mostly just weights so i don't lose muscle. the only food i have in my dorm is frozen veggies, eggs, and a pound of dry black beans, so i can have protein after i work out but basically that will be it. fuck all this being fat shit.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
my mom and i are drunk
my little brother is all like "lets play a board game!!!!"
so we play aggravattion
he kicks our ass
and all my mom and i can do
is laugfh our asses off xD
times like this man, times like htis. <3
if i could stay here forever i would be ok.
but then, life has to happen sometimes,.
sorry for getting all philosophical while drunk lol
imma finish this green tea, go shower, maybe drink another cup of green tea or possibly just go straight for the vodka, cuz we is drankin tonight!
True Life: I have an eating disorder
i just cried for 42 minutes straight. i basically am all three of these people put together. and the guy’s mom basically did what my mom did “im glad were gonna get that taken care of” …yeah… right….. :( “it’s what i do when i’m lonely” “i’m just so uncomfortable in my skin today… i get so disgusted with my body that i don’t wanna do anything” :’(…… the sad part is i really just wanna go nomvom all over my kitchen now :”(
Friday, September 23, 2011
im debating on just lying here and not purging because purging will fuck up my heart more but i cannot lie down because my stomach hurts so bad wahhh
times like this, i would give anything and everything to be able to control this.
im gonna go purge now, so at least my stomach will stop hurting. my heart won’t ever stop hurting anyway.
i literally b/p’d on enough food for like two weeks, didn’t get everything up, drank a two liter of water, purged that (with more food), drank another two liter of water and purged (food), and was going to do the water thing again because i KNOW there’s still food in me but i had been doing this for three hours and all the purging was making my heart feel reeeeeeeeally weird and my eyes got bloodshot and i got dizzy when i stood up the last time :( so i took a shower. and now my nails are breaking off.
my stomach looks like a bag that has been emptied, you know how bags get like wrinkles and folds when they’re empty? that’s kinda what my stomach looks like. it feels like i put it through the rinse cycle.
green tea, cigarette, and then the drinking shall commence unless i’m too tired.
home with lost of food and lots of vodka sounds like a better birthday weekend anyway.
it occurred to me, being this antisocial is a lot more expensive...
food and vodka, for one night for me, is like..... anywhere from $20 to $60.... to be able to binge, purge, and then drink "properly" anyway...
lol what even is "proper" when it comes to b/p lololol no such thing.
i am in a fairly odd mood..........
imma go bake me a cake now, for mah birfday. imma bake mah cake and eat it too! maybe even eat it twice if i'm lucky tonight, because my first b/p of the day i didn't get any food up, just water :| and solution was to eat more food what i can't even what sense does that make?!??!?!?!?!
it will still taste the same. i cant even fucking ice a cake right. fuck everything.
oh yay i get to eat more fucking food! sparkle hearts stars sparkle sparkle :DD <33 ~*~*~*~*~*~
im definitely throwing up in HER toilet tonight and NOT mine.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
so ya know what? fuck all of everyone. no, you can’t drink with me because i paid for this with my own fucking food money and no i will not smoke weed from you because i cat smoke after im drinking i have to smoke before i drink or i go crazy. nobody ever wants to do anything during the day, and im not the type of person to love being high at night because when im high is the only time i think sunshine is pretty so just fuck everyone.
happy fucking birthday. im gonna watch 101 dalmations again and chug my handle of vodka all by myself until i fucking die.
i dont even want to fucking drink anymore i want to spend my very last 20 bucks, that i was gonna spend on weed, and just binge. i want to spend all of my money thats supposed to last me the next 3 months on food and binge and purge until my heart explodes. i cant fucking do this.
why does everybody fucking hate me? like really wtf did i do to the world to make everyone act such shit to me?!
...the lonliest kind of lonely is when you search your whole entire life for that one special person who understands, one person who will just exist with you when the world turns its back on you, one person to make you feel not left out and alone and sad, and then you finally find that one single person in the whole wide world, and then they die. because then you're even more alone in the world than you already were before.
i never ever thought i would live this long, nor did i ever want to, tbh.
i'm fasting today. coffee, water, tea, and then tonight if i can find someone old enough to buy vodka then i will celebrate my birthday.
i drank like 4 bottles of gatorade last night because i panicked from my heart feeling so weird after i purged. so i feel better ish now, i guess. except i also ate more food, so blehhh
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
ten minutes before the end of class: no, i won’t b/p today, i’m too tired
class gets out: orders pizza, ziti, ice cream, breadsticks, cookies, poptarts….
i think i got everything out though, and i only had about 350 calories earlier. if i didn't get everything out, i got most of it out, and the first thing i ate would have only made my calories go to like 600 ish. bleh. im so tired now :(
i ate like 50 bucks worth of food :( i dont fucking have this kind of money that was supposed to be for vodka for my birthday but i cant stop eating and my heart feels really weird it keeps skipping and like halfway beating but i cant stop and my throat hurts and i just hate everything and i want my heart to fucking explode already so i can just die :'(
plan for today:
b- had 2 eggs, oatmeal, plum (245)
l- celery, carrots, broccoli (85)
d- veggies, beans (200)
maybe i'll go to the gym today? i need to at least do weights.
i feel weird today. like im sitting in the library and im hiding in this chair in a corner at the top floor and there are like no people at all except sometimes a person will walk by and im like terrified its an alien or something or that they see me and think im hiding up here cuz im looking at porn or something... and then there are all these bookshelves and they look like they're dancing or something... idk
im so fucking hungry. i wanna lay in bed all day and binge and not go to class but im already on campus, no sense in going back to my dorm, and also i have to turn in a paper blehhh but i just wanna wear sweats and watch disney movies and eat pizza and smoke weed
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
i am definitely restricting today holy crap i ate a shit ton of food last night and then just went to bed.....
so i woke up more bloated than ive been in fucking forever and i have a food hangover-not even a drinking hangover -___-
if i had laxatives i would be so happy right now :( yesterday the most embarrassing thing happened. i was at wal-mart and i ran in, grabbed a box of laxatives, went to the self-checkout line, and when i went to put my money into the machine it wouldn't take my last dollar... so i had three people in line behind me like "whats taking you so long wtf" and i didn't know what to do so i cancelled the payment which made the machine give me my money back and i just like ran out the store...
which means the people behind me were left with a machine that had a box of laxatives sitting on it...
i wonder what they were thinking about me?
i couldn't stop thinking about that last night lol it shouldn't bother me, i don't know them and they don't know me and i'll probably never see those people ever again but still....
definitely not going to weigh myself today.... i need a scale for my dorm.
OMFG i just realized i only have 3 days until my birthday :( i failed my birthday challenge. maybe i will just fast until my birthday once i get to my dorm. i mean it's not like i have money for food anyway. the money i have is for drugs lol
Saturday, September 17, 2011
ive never ever throen up from drinking thouhgh so theres no chance tha will happen
i have so much orange juice in my tummy xD
shre bought me a handle of vodka for m birthday and we finished the whole thing tonight in like 3 horurs :) i love my mommy lolol
Friday, September 16, 2011
goal for today: liquids only. under 500 calories.
i want to have abs by halloween so i can wear sexy costumes instead of regular ones. just cuz i've never been able to before.
also, i made a mini calendar for this 100 day thing. a notecard for each day saying how many days left and every like ten days or so imma write my weight/measurements :) i only have to lose 16 pounds by christmas, so i have plenty of time, but i mainly want to perfect my restricting and get to a point where drinking a bathtub full of water doesn't make me gain like 6 pounds of water weight. and also, i need to stop binging everytime i come home. my family has like no food in the house now, after 6 binges in 2.5 days, and my mom is working two jobs and still doesn't have money for enough food, so i feel really bad now. i mean, all the things i binged on i made sure there was a lot of it, or that it was food that my mom and brother don't eat a lot of, like pasta and oatmeal. so i didn't eat any of the "good" food. and also because it doesn't really matter what you binge on if you're just gonna throw it up, so i didn't binge on anything like really delicious. except cookies, but they were really old and hard so i figured it was ok lol
today will consist of coffee water tea juice and gatorade to get my electrolytes back in order (so peri doesn't shoot me through the computer). i have to help my om move furniture and stuff all day, so i can't just like pass out in front of her, she would flip shit and i don't want to scare her any more than i already do.
i will catch up you guys's blogses laters when i'm not trying not to die in front of my mom. <3
Thursday, September 15, 2011
thirty minutes to wait for them to leave aaaaaaagggghhhh
calories numbers i binged on four pounds of food get the fuck out leave now calories mom leave hunter has practice numbers ok you’ll be numbers late you should calories really just leave now calories leave now gtfo calories
drink water keep trying throw up until waters clear dont freak no panic aaaaaaaaaa
i just want jake back :'(
i feel a little better now, it is 7:30 am, my mom just left for work and i will be home alone until like 4 ish. i have a plan!
plan A: weigh-in, coffee (with milk for calcium= 65), breakfast (eggs & banana or oatmeal? ~200), toning exercises for 30 min(-270), DDR for two hours (-1000), lunch (vegetables. 100), finish wintergirls, drink a bathtub full of water, dinner (salad. 100) TOTAL=500 max.
i have to be good today. if not, then i have a plan b for if i binge. i planned out plan b before i came up with plan a….
plan b: weigh-in, coffee (milk= 65), binge/purge, breakfast (eggs, banana. ~200), toning exercises (-270), DDR (-1000), drink bathtub, lunch (vegetables. 100), wintergirls, toning exercises, binge/purge, dinner (salad. 100). TOTAL=500 max.
((plan c: fast.)) ((plan d: b/p all day, no other food.))
i weigh 144 :'( so i only lost 3 pounds in two weeks, except i know i was less than that yesterday morning. but considering i did binge last night and might not have gotten all of the first binge out, i am ok with this. my upper limit used to be 155, so now i think i am lowering that to 150. as long as i am under 150 no matter what, then i won't die. but i hope tomorrow i am 144 or less.
i havent had milk in my coffee in so long 0__0 this is fucking delicious!
part of me wants to tell somebody and part of me is like FUCK YEAH BITCHES I HAD 32378 CALORIES TODAY AND IM STILL 144!!!!!!!!!
i need inpatient. bleh :))
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
i also discovered that it is possible for me to throw up in a toilet, which i have never been able to do. but i didn't get everything up, maybe like 1/5th. then, mom wanted to make dinner calories
so i ate like 4 bowls of pasta and threw that up until i tasted the other stuff i had eaten earlier.
i feel like shit, and my tummy hurts, and my teeth feel nonexistent.
i want to try and fast tomorrow.
god my stomach hurts so bad. i wish i had laxatives :(
(also, vintage model spam on my tumblr. it's da bomb: http://heather-hunger.tumblr.com/)
((also also, I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID REFUND! its only a hundred bucks though, so ill probably spend most of it on weed, vodka, and laxatives :p))
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
this excerpt from wintergirls makes me want to fast tomorrow. i have seriously cried multiple times reading this book already. this part right here, though, is what i aim for, the numbness that starving brings. i did it once, i can do it again. i do not want to feel this shit anymore, and honestly i'm so lonely that if my tummy growled, i would probably talk back to it. also, i would love to be a cute little hamster.
i was planning on having some soup (30) with vegetables (50) and some more beans (140), which would bring my total to 520… i might just have the soup… or just the beans, for protein… or just coffee… :/ now i’m all sad again.
also, this looks exactly like my old friend and i, she always had crazy air, and i always tried to dress like her but looked weird standing next to her, but we were bffles and i miss her to death :'(
she used to have a blog on here, but she deleted it when we stopped talking :''(
i broke my fast with peanut butter, my roommate's, because i have no food except dried beans, and while i was waiting for them to cook i had a spoon of peanut butter :)
i have literally nothing after those beans and the one bag of popcorn are gone. i'm trying to stretch it out until thursday night, when i go home. i am so excited to go home because there will be food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaa :D
um... today i feel rested. a little dizzy from the fasting and because i probably didn't drink enough water, and also because cigarettes make me dizzy sometimes. anybody else get dizzy while smoking, or is it just me?
so now i'm just chillin in the library, sippin on some water.
i'm reading wintergirls. part of me wants to fast until i'm done with this book. i think that is a genius idea. but then i will be more likely to binge when i go home... so idk.
maybe i'll do that with the next book i read.
lol when i'm at the library, and i have to use the restroom, i turn on my webcam and put this up on my laptop cuz im too lazy to pack all my stuff up especially if i'm just gonna come back to this same spot :p hehehe
Monday, September 12, 2011
the hunger high is kicking in. maybe i'll get re-addicted this time, and then the binge addiction will go the fuck away?
i am distracting myself with homework >:D skinny and smart what what
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i want to fast today. i want to workout today. should i save my workout for a day when i eat, or should i save my fast for another day?technically i could do both but i dont want to work out hardcore and not replenish my muscles and such. i worked too hard to gain the muscle mass back that i lost when i got really unwell last time.
but i really want to fast and lay around on my fat lazy ass all day because i walked for two hours yesterday for cigarettes AND went to a rave party didnt get home until 4am, on top of a hardcore workout i did yesterday morning............ needless to say i am tired, and i should probably take a "rest day" and eat tons of protein.
problem is, i dont have any protein at all, unless popcorn has protein... so i might just fast and let my muscles rest. i might go for a walk later or something, walk to the library and hang out in there for a bit. i love the library. except i know for a fact i will be in there all day everyday this week, mon-thurs. and i dont have any homework really. i could go work on my novel?
sorry if it seems like i am ranting, i feel kind of on a cloud right now and i am trying to organize my thoughts. lol i smoked a lot of weed at the rave last night. my friend johnny was one of the DJs, and there were a lot of drugs at that place, like omg. this guy i knew there gave me x. it was ok, but i didnt get to take enough for the full effects, but i guess that is a good thing. dont wanna have a bad first trip :p he was on a lot of shrooms, as well... the whole thing was just funny because i was the most sober person there, and i was high and on ecstasy, holding a beer, bobbing my head to some of dj johnny's dubstep :)
OH and i didnt feel very fat last night but its probably because i walked and exercised so much and i wore a huge tee shirt. i had the munchies like a mofo though haha
anyways, i think i have decided to just fast today and take a nice shower and paint my nails and do girly-myself-time stuff today. and i downloaded wintergirls on .pdf so i want to read that as well. (i might take a trip to the library to read, and then i'll get like 30 min. total of walking exercise, which is ok for fasting)
ok so i hope everyone is doing ok, i know some of you are struggling at the moment, and i just want to say i love you :)
last time i ate was around 4:30-5:00 am, so i’m on hour 8. no solids until 7am on tuesday. i will drink water, coffee, tea, clear broth, etc. if i work out monday i will have a protein shake.
i’m gonna be doing the whole tally mark thing on my arm too, to keep me motivated. i’ll take a picture when i’m done. anyone wants to join, let me know :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
bleh. i really should have gone home this weekend but i dont want to binge again (even though i had like 1600 calories today) and the guy i got high with last night (my bf's friend) is dj-ing tomorrow night and i wanna go. the only bad thing is i don't want to go alone, but i have no one to go with me............................
what i need to do tonight:
- shower (and shave my legs :p)
- paint toenails
- print my poem for class
what i wanted to do tonight:
- smoke weed
- drink lots of vodka
- talk to people
what im currently doing:
- eating beans
- watching inception
- chipping the polish off my nails
so i walked all over campus with jake's old friend jonny and he got me high and i ate popcorn and watched inception.
and the rest of the weekend i will be in the library. or the gym.
plan for today: already had breakfast (140) might possibly fast the rest of the day or have a protein shake or something. after my binge yesterday i seriously have only dried beans, some quinoa, and frozen veggies, and one packet of popcorn left...
oh! i have a starbucks giftcard...... idk what the hell i would get there, everything is loaded with sugar... maybe a green tea. i haven't had green tea in a long time.
okay time to go to the library and read for my classes and work on my novel and look up thinspo and basically be a hobo :) i love the library #thisiswhyihavenofriendslol
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I AM GOING TO FUCKING BREAK THINGS.
i dont want new friends, my old friends were perfect, i dont understand why they're being so mean to me all of a sudden.
so now im sitting here crying with makeup all over my face, i have to wash my face fucking AGAIN and put pajamas back on, i wasted makeup and lotion for nothing :’( i just want more food.
NO I WILL NOT BUM YOU A CIGARETTE FUCK OFF
i really just wanna go home this weekend. i do not want to deal with these immature ridiculous people. i don't have any money for drugs, so there is no point in starving alone in my dorm all weekend when i can be bingeing and purging at home with my family.
my logic makes sense okay fuck off okay
:/ i dont really know what else to post about.
i hate everything. i just wish it would all end. im tired of people being all like, "oh it could be worse, you could be dead" or "at least you're still breathing"
like, HELLO NEWSFLASH the fact that i AM still breathing is THE WHOLE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
i fucking hate people. seriously. nobody understands.
i dont want you to cheer me up, i dont want your fucking advice. i dont want you to talk me into or out of anything.
all i want is someone to listen, to actually for real hear me, and at least try to understand. i want to be able to talk without having to get bullshit feedback.
i just want to not be alive anymore. this isn't worth it.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
but maybe this will help me bust through this rough spot i've been at for like a year. i need to be in the 30s soon. i felt probably 147 ish this morning, but i don't have a scale in my dorm so :(
i have classes today, then workout tonight. i have all my food already laid out and sorted and ready to go that way when i go to eat i don't have to think about "hmm what should i eat oh this looks good but it has calories nvm i wont eat" planning ahead is really helping me this time. i ended yesterday right at about 600 calories, and today will be about the same depending on if i eat all the popcorn i packed for myself while i'm on campus today.
i need some money :( being a broke college kid sucks, all i have really is vegetables and popcorn and cereal. i need protein. i have beans but that's about it. i will be out of protein shakes by the end of this week :( hopefully i can talk my grandma into getting me some. or at least giving me some money for like eggs and soymilk and stuffs.
i'm kind of apathetically hopeful today. i know that sounds like a weird combination, trust me, it feels just as weird as it sounds lol
i have philosophy class in 20 minutes, i will update you guys later tonight on how i did today :)
btw, how is everyone else doing? i'm trying really hard to keep up with your blogs. there are so many! i love this community, i really do :) <3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
ok so my friend D was like a bunch of us are going to applebees at 9:30 we would love it if you came, i'll buy you dessert!! :DDD
I SERIOUSLY WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM IN THE THROAT I AM SO PISSED HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DID HE FORGET THE LAST TIME I WAS IN APPLEBEES AND HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?!?!?!?!
i fucking hate people. also, he knows i have NO money and its fucking 9:30, im deff going to sleep soon wtfff AND WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EAT SO LATE AT NIGHT?!!??!
i hate them. they are the nicest people ever but their niceness is what kept me from losing more weight over summer >:( fucking fatass american bitches.
i need skinny friends.
other news :D good day so far, let's hope i can get to sleep soon though so i don't binge. late nights are the worst :p
BUT i hardcore worked out today for the first time since like the middle of july :D and my muscles hurt. i am going to post my dailyplate thingy on here every single day until my birthday.
my plan is to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weights a day at the very least, and if i feel up to it, burn at least 500 calories during cardio. if not, then 30 minutes will do (~350 calories, usually once i get to that point i HAVE to make it a more even number though lol)
i am back! how is everyone? :D