Thursday, October 13, 2011

instead of working out and then going for a long walk through the nature trails like i planned, i had a nomvom and a shower and now i think i’ll just chug coffee for the rest of the evening and watch disney channel original movies :( i hate everything wahhhhhh

i was watching halloweentown and about to eat some lima beans for lunch, and i remembered when i was little i used to want to be a cromwell witch sooooo bad like in the movie and i even had a group of girls a grade younger than me believing that i was a witch and they would get mad at me if i made the wind blow too hard and stuff (i think i was like 7 at the time lol) bu tyeah remembering how halloween and autumn was when i was little just made me sad. and then i was watching wish upon a star and i remembered how i used to want so badly to be alexis and i would like play dress up to look like her and stuff :(


i just wanna be a kid again. i want to waste away into nothing. i’ve had 550 calories today and i just want to die. it’s too much. i should have fasted since i binged so horribly last night. i need to go work out but im too sad and i dont care.

im having one of those days where you just wanna whine and cry and lay under blankets and watch old movies that make you sad. and drink lots of coffee because for some reason i think it will help me be skinnier tomorrow like the caffeine or something.

i have no rational thoughts. fuck everything.i'm so sad :'(

i don’t do all this shit for attention, it’s way deeper than that, but i sure as hell don’t do it for nothing. it always seems like when i’m eating the least or when i’m throwing up the most, nobody cares, unless i’m losing weight. nobody ever even notices. when i first started losing weight people noticed, because i lost the first 20-50 pounds in about 4 months, and my mom noticed how sick i looked. i would give anything to just look sick again. i want to throw out every piece of food in my dorm and just lay in my bed until i’m skin and bones. this is not about wanting to be thin and pretty and skinny and beautiful “so chad can throw me in the pool in the summahh” and “so i can lyke totes wear all da kewt klothezz”……….i really just want to die. i know i’m ugly and no amount of weight lost will change that, but malnutrition looks on the outside how it looks on the inside, and THAT is my goal.

i literally took the whole food bin, and dumped it in the dumpster outside my building.

the only thing i have now is sugar free chai latte drink mix, 3 packets of hot chocolate, coffee, and clear soups. i used to go weeks on liquid fasts, and there’s fucking nothing stopping me from doing it again. idk why i’ve been so stupid lately.

also, my job interview is tomorrow. i NEED this job. for money, yes, but also so i will be fucking out of my dorm more often and away from food.

1 comment:

  1. Fucking oath this shit isn't for attention! It's because we have too much pain inside and no "sane, normal, healthy" way of coping with it, so we turn to food and physical pain as ways of dealing.

    I'm sick of not having the outsides match the insides, too. I found a tumblr pic of sadness (a sad face) and depression (a smily face saying "inside I really just want to die") that I want to make my FB pic. However, people will throw the 'attention seeking brat' lable around again. I'm 24 FFS! If I wanted attention I'd get knocked up so people grabbed my belly everywhere I went trying to feel the baby!! RAGE!!

    Good luck for the job interview! Getting out of the house and away from food is a good thing. I'm thinking of taking my shit to the library to study, but I hate the Uni library and it's proximity to american-candy-selling-shop and the town one is full of high school kids making out in the "teen space" *gag*

    I'm ordering you to make up a big Thermos of chai mix and go on the fucking nature trails and get me some god damn photos before all the leaves fall off. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!1!

    I swear too much, my bad >.<