Sunday, June 27, 2010

abc day 7/8

how day seven was supposed to go:
almonds- 72
mini wheats- 50
veggie burger- 70
applesauce- 50
small salad- 50
ddr- 215
total in- 292
total out- 215
net calories- negative 77

how it went:
see above, add break up with bf, add 2000 calories, add too miserable to purge.

day 8:
see above, add 500000000000 calories, purged today, and took laxatives.

why are men such assholes???? he thinks im hurt. im really not. i broke up with him, he wants his shit back etc... he keeps calling which is making it 1000000 times worse. im so pissed. ugh.
well, i was... now i just feel void.

abc day 6

almonds: 160
grapes: 50
total: 210

i went over a little but yesterday was so amazing that i don't even care. i went to ichetucknee river with my cousins who i havent seen all in the same place in years, and my best guy friend. we went tubing :] so much fun and my best guy friend and i both agreed that since neither of us really know what we want right now, but since we both sort of love each other in weird complex ways, were just going to stay chill right now and go with the flow of things nd if we end up together then we do and if we dont then we dont. i just know that i could be with him forever and never ever ever get bored. he is so amazing and funny and the best friend ever.
anyway, i had the best day ever yesterday, so going over a little was absolutely not a problem :]

also because I AM 153 TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so it really does not matter :]

today is day 7, 300 calories, im at 50, fixin to go exercise, i feel so strong today :]
i love you guys!!! pics tomorrow!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

i know im doing it right :]

cuz my legs have been numb for like ten minutes and i have been so light and dizzy all day

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sweet starvation nom nom nom

abc day 5

just started today really, but ive done so much since i woke up that i may be going to sleep soon to avoid food.

1 slice dry toast- 45
1/4 cup applesauce- 50

total- 95 :]
mowed the lawn for 2 hours: -anywhere from 600 to 800 calories, ill go with 700
net calories: -605

i am beast. i HAVE to keep this up. i am thinking about breaking up with my bf because i just want to have fun right now and he is really annoying me and were not compatible anymore like we used to be so yeah that means i gotta look good for all the sexy single people out there cuz i wanna look good while im having fun. yay for new motivation? i think so :]

tip: no matter what, stay positive. negativity leads to sadness and sadness leads to binging. positivity helps me alot. tune everything else out and think about the good things happening right now and how if you were to eat food, you would feel bad and it would ruin your perceived goodness. so stay positive and positively strong everyone, whether you are new to this or are struggling or have been doing this forever or in recovery, may the force be with you :]

Thursday, June 24, 2010

abc day 4

mixed veggies- 100
veggie burger- 70
slice of bread- 45
peanut butter- 100
protein water- 50
total- 365

omg it is so difficult for me to not to binge right now aaaaaaaa i want it so bad
must exercise must exercise must exercise

:( stay strong, send me your energy to keep me strong

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


i went out partying last night with some friends and got so fucked up omg it was the best weed ever, mixed with rum and some kind of wine idk but yeah it got real crazy i didnt remember most of what happened but then the cops came and it was like 4 in the morning and now my best friends mom pretty much hates me because my best friend is only 16 so he got a curfew violation and his mom took his phone away and i cant talk to him and she hates me and i feel really really bad...
but it was the best night of my life, and i cant wait to do it again :]
and i woke up this morning at 154.5.
i havent been this low in forever.
must have been all the *cough* exercise *cough* that i did last night.
you guys have no idea how crazy that party got.
well, you probably do now. i mean i got high off my ass and somehow managed to get enough *cough* exercise to lose me two pounds in one day.
nothing is going to stop me now :]
"im on the top of the world lookin down on creation..."
stay strong my lovelies! i believe in all of you, and i love you all sooooo very much <3

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

abc day 2

applesauce- 50
mixed veggies- 120
2 cookies- 170
total- 490

off to exercise :/ feel blah today i really want to just binge idk meh

ok, here we go

ive been wanting a camera forever and i finally got one so now i can track my bodys changes in this way. im going to post a picture like once a week, an hopefully we see some changes :] i was 160 the day before starting abc and now im 157 :] still gross, but three pounds less gross is better than three pounds more gross. i wont be happy until im under 150 again.

day 1 of abc, 157 pounds:

Monday, June 21, 2010

abc day 1

oatmeal- 75
veggie burger- 70
cereal- 100
random mixed fruit- 100
soup- 150

total- 495
output- 85

net calories- 410

day one complete.
i havent binged in four days.
i feel so determined :]

cant sleep

i have not binged in like three days! and i had around 600 calories yesterday, feeling very determined and optimistic so i am starting abc today. right now. who's with me?
my rules: vegan, no empty calories or bad liquid calories, must exercise at least 4 times a week, drink 8 glasses of water a day.
day one=500 calories

Friday, June 4, 2010


good mrning.
minus the good.
i binged last night, and i have to be somewhere this morning, and i couldnt throw it up, so now i have to be in front of real people besides my dog as the fat ugly monster i am :( i really just want to stay home and watch disney movies :(

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

didnt gain weight yesterday

and im inspired to start anew today.
i want to liquid fast today. i havent done this in a very very long time, and im almost scared that i will fail, bt as long as i keep busy i should be ok.

reconnecting with blogger is helping!
i'll let you all know how it goes :]

so i just remembered that i have a whooooooooole lot of stories to tell you guys from when i was very deep in the b/p cycle. i have had some really really funny things happen. and also some not too funny things :/ storytime!

1. my mom gets food stamps from the government. sometimes i like to steal the card and use it to buy binge food, but i always put ti back before she realizes that it is missing. but this one time i decided to just keep it and use the rest of the money on it. when my mom realized it was missing, she called in and they cancelled the card so that nobody could use it if it was found. so my bestie and i went to the store to spend the 200 dollars left on the card, and we had alot of food in line, and we get up to the cashier, and the card doesnt work... we basically had to run out of the store from the embarrassment... omg
2. once, my bestie and i got some donuts and ice cream, and we went to this school parking lot and binged. then, she threw up in the backseat of her car in a plastic bag, and we put the plastic bag outside the door, and left. xD imagine what whoever found that thought omg xD
3. the other day, i got stomach acid in my eye. i know, im a loser. rright after purging, there was something in my eye, so i go to look and see what it is, and its an eyelash. without washing my hands first, i stick my finger in my eye to get the lash out. burn baby burn. omg it hurt so bad. but it was funny because only someone with no brain would do that... points to self... moving on
4. saturday night, my best friend threw up in some church bushes. it was still there sunday morning, visible for all to explanation needed.
5. the other day my bf had this ceremony thing and i threw up in the bathroom and when i walked out, his aunt walked in. she used to be bulimic, and she gave me this weird lookj like she knows whats up... talk about paranoia!
**side note** this whole paranoia thing? it sucks ass, and its getting worse and worse...anyway...
6. every time my bestie and i throw up, we have to slean our ears out with q-tips because our ears get really waxy after... does this happen to anyone else?
7. the day before prom, i fasted, and i thought it was a good idea to take some lexies the day before so i would be clean and emtpy for prom. but the ones i got were from my grandma's house, and they were expired... i took 15 expired laxatives... i am not bright. looking back now, it was funny b/c my bf was like freaking out i kept shitting and throwing up everywhere like i was possessed lol they eventually stopped and i was able to go to prom and have mucho fun :]
8. my bestie and i made ice cream sandwiches. with real bread, and real ice cream lol they are soooooo good but we couldnt stop laughign at how ridiculous we looked eating ice cream on bread xD we have very crazy cravings.
9. i stole three bags of food from my grandma's house. and some pills that im going to sell. i know, ive gone crazy, i cant help it. i think im manic depressed? idk oh well! :D
10. i have acquired a plastic ice cream bucket that i am now going to use to throw up in so i dotn have to use plastic bags anymore, that way i can throw up in my room which is quieter than in my bathroom. the bucket has a lid, so there wouldnt be any smell, and its see through, so everytime i throw up im going to draw a line where the vomit goes up to so i know how much ive thrown up in the past and stuff. and ill just empty the bucket out in the toilet or if my mom is home ill wait until she goes to sleep to empty it out. genius! im weird, i know, but when i got the idea i was like O.O amazing. best idea ever other than just not eating.

re-reading this list, im realizing that ive become more prone to b/p than starving :/ ftw. i miss it. im glad i have this tool now though to save em if i do slip up but i dont want to slip up i want to be perfect again :(

oh yeah, non-ed related, ive been partying alot lately, with stolen alcohol and shit weed and hot girls. my bf doesnt know, but i really miss girls alot. ever since my gf and i broke up a while ago i tried to not think about it but its surfacing now, and i really love my bf and i want to be with him for another year because the past year has been amazing and we talked about the future like getting married and stuff and i want to tell him this but im scared he will leave me... theres this one girl i party with who is so beautiful and free and funyn and adorable and i really want to get to know her like more than just us making out and stuff like really get to know her but i know thats dangerous for my relationship with my bf :/ mehhh...

anyway, im off now to color :] been doing alot of that lately :] i spent my extra money on coloring books instead of food :]]]]
stay strong lovelies! <333

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


im getting better at throwing up food!
finally, an almost end to laxatives, almost.

it got really bad at some point, but then today for some reason i am happy, so im not complaining :]
im so sorry that i havent been on here as much, ive been really busy with school and everything and my bf down my throat (hahaha) like guarding me all the time and stuff.
i really miss you guys, but my computer is fixed for real this time and its summer vacation so i will have lots of free time and i will try to blog everyday :]

how has everyone been?