Wednesday, June 2, 2010

didnt gain weight yesterday

and im inspired to start anew today.
i want to liquid fast today. i havent done this in a very very long time, and im almost scared that i will fail, bt as long as i keep busy i should be ok.

reconnecting with blogger is helping!
i'll let you all know how it goes :]

so i just remembered that i have a whooooooooole lot of stories to tell you guys from when i was very deep in the b/p cycle. i have had some really really funny things happen. and also some not too funny things :/ storytime!

1. my mom gets food stamps from the government. sometimes i like to steal the card and use it to buy binge food, but i always put ti back before she realizes that it is missing. but this one time i decided to just keep it and use the rest of the money on it. when my mom realized it was missing, she called in and they cancelled the card so that nobody could use it if it was found. so my bestie and i went to the store to spend the 200 dollars left on the card, and we had alot of food in line, and we get up to the cashier, and the card doesnt work... we basically had to run out of the store from the embarrassment... omg
2. once, my bestie and i got some donuts and ice cream, and we went to this school parking lot and binged. then, she threw up in the backseat of her car in a plastic bag, and we put the plastic bag outside the door, and left. xD imagine what whoever found that thought omg xD
3. the other day, i got stomach acid in my eye. i know, im a loser. rright after purging, there was something in my eye, so i go to look and see what it is, and its an eyelash. without washing my hands first, i stick my finger in my eye to get the lash out. burn baby burn. omg it hurt so bad. but it was funny because only someone with no brain would do that... points to self... moving on
4. saturday night, my best friend threw up in some church bushes. it was still there sunday morning, visible for all to see...no explanation needed.
5. the other day my bf had this ceremony thing and i threw up in the bathroom and when i walked out, his aunt walked in. she used to be bulimic, and she gave me this weird lookj like she knows whats up... talk about paranoia!
**side note** this whole paranoia thing? it sucks ass, and its getting worse and worse...anyway...
6. every time my bestie and i throw up, we have to slean our ears out with q-tips because our ears get really waxy after... does this happen to anyone else?
7. the day before prom, i fasted, and i thought it was a good idea to take some lexies the day before so i would be clean and emtpy for prom. but the ones i got were from my grandma's house, and they were expired... i took 15 expired laxatives... i am not bright. looking back now, it was funny b/c my bf was like freaking out i kept shitting and throwing up everywhere like i was possessed lol they eventually stopped and i was able to go to prom and have mucho fun :]
8. my bestie and i made ice cream sandwiches. with real bread, and real ice cream lol they are soooooo good but we couldnt stop laughign at how ridiculous we looked eating ice cream on bread xD we have very crazy cravings.
9. i stole three bags of food from my grandma's house. and some pills that im going to sell. i know, ive gone crazy, i cant help it. i think im manic depressed? idk oh well! :D
10. i have acquired a plastic ice cream bucket that i am now going to use to throw up in so i dotn have to use plastic bags anymore, that way i can throw up in my room which is quieter than in my bathroom. the bucket has a lid, so there wouldnt be any smell, and its see through, so everytime i throw up im going to draw a line where the vomit goes up to so i know how much ive thrown up in the past and stuff. and ill just empty the bucket out in the toilet or if my mom is home ill wait until she goes to sleep to empty it out. genius! im weird, i know, but when i got the idea i was like O.O amazing. best idea ever other than just not eating.

re-reading this list, im realizing that ive become more prone to b/p than starving :/ ftw. i miss it. im glad i have this tool now though to save em if i do slip up but i dont want to slip up i want to be perfect again :(

oh yeah, non-ed related, ive been partying alot lately, with stolen alcohol and shit weed and hot girls. my bf doesnt know, but i really miss girls alot. ever since my gf and i broke up a while ago i tried to not think about it but its surfacing now, and i really love my bf and i want to be with him for another year because the past year has been amazing and we talked about the future like getting married and stuff and i want to tell him this but im scared he will leave me... theres this one girl i party with who is so beautiful and free and funyn and adorable and i really want to get to know her like more than just us making out and stuff like really get to know her but i know thats dangerous for my relationship with my bf :/ mehhh...

anyway, im off now to color :] been doing alot of that lately :] i spent my extra money on coloring books instead of food :]]]]
stay strong lovelies! <333

4 comments:

  1. Hey - I accidentally deleted your comment :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG The part with the girl and your bf...happens to me. It sucks. But so far I have stayed with my boyfriend... and your puking in the bucket idea, girl you crack me up! Im not making fun of you I just think it's a hilarious, yet smart idea! I wish it was that easy to hide as starving yourself is!!

    Best of luck to you :]
    Oh, and I totally understand the manic depressive moods. Do you sometimes find the manic parts fun tho?? maybe i'm just a freak... who knows!

    Much love :]
    Lilah

    ReplyDelete
  3. I meant to say, I wish starving yourself could be that easy to hide, oops!

    ReplyDelete