When I quit drinking, I realised that the answers to all of my problems could never be found at the bottom of a bottle. I've been sober for almost 2 years now.
If I ever quit eating, I'll realise that the answers to my problems are definitely not at the bottom of a bowl or a plate. Then I'll be able to say, "I've been skinny almost 2 years now."
I wish I could control this, but like so many of us, I can't. We think we have control, we're on top of the world with control, but just when we think nothing can go wrong, our survival instincts take over, and we lose all control. Don't deny it, you know it happens.
Yes, I can admit I do not have control over my ED. My ED controls me, in almost every way.
I just choose to let it have me, because I don't feel like there's anything left of myself to worry about. And until I feel satisfied, I'm not going to try to stand up to it. It's my way of dealing with all the shit thats happening right now.
Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not going to lie and say that I've lost sooo much weight and I feel sooooo good.. Because thats exactly what it would be: a lie. I'm not going to post my weight until I get it back down to normal. Maybe by the end of this week, if I find the strength to fast again.
It always seems that after the 3rd day of fasting, everything gets easier. Three days. I usually lose all my water weight after the third day, and I generally lose a pound a day after that for like 4 days. Just three days, that's all I need.
No, I'm not making any promises, or setting new rules, or whatever. That never works for me.
I need to find my old routine.
I miss it so much.