Sunday, September 6, 2009


When I quit drinking, I realised that the answers to all of my problems could never be found at the bottom of a bottle. I've been sober for almost 2 years now.
If I ever quit eating, I'll realise that the answers to my problems are definitely not at the bottom of a bowl or a plate. Then I'll be able to say, "I've been skinny almost 2 years now."

I wish I could control this, but like so many of us, I can't. We think we have control, we're on top of the world with control, but just when we think nothing can go wrong, our survival instincts take over, and we lose all control. Don't deny it, you know it happens.

Yes, I can admit I do not have control over my ED. My ED controls me, in almost every way.
I just choose to let it have me, because I don't feel like there's anything left of myself to worry about. And until I feel satisfied, I'm not going to try to stand up to it. It's my way of dealing with all the shit thats happening right now.

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I'm not going to lie and say that I've lost sooo much weight and I feel sooooo good.. Because thats exactly what it would be: a lie. I'm not going to post my weight until I get it back down to normal. Maybe by the end of this week, if I find the strength to fast again.

It always seems that after the 3rd day of fasting, everything gets easier. Three days. I usually lose all my water weight after the third day, and I generally lose a pound a day after that for like 4 days. Just three days, that's all I need.

No, I'm not making any promises, or setting new rules, or whatever. That never works for me.

I need to find my old routine.
I miss it so much.



  1. i know how hard it is to get back on track (i think my life is a series of examples of this), but you can totally do it. it's in you and you'll find it and you'll feel amazing again. just don't be too hard on yourself or say that it's taking too long to be found.

    you are fantastic and you will do it again! stay strong!


  2. Feeling exactly the same way. Lost complete control this weekend, back on Day 1 of my fast. Feeling better but won't feel great til day 3 or 4!

    We CAN do it. Get back on the routine, and you'll remember how good it feels again.

    Thin wishes!

  3. Girl I can NEVER even get up to day three of fasting. I wish I wish I wiiiish.

    Like Dyinflowr said, once you get back on the routine you'll remember how good it feels. : )

  4. Sometimes the old routine doesn't work anymore. We can't go back to it, so we have to find a new one until we have that control. Something to sate us in our mind and curiosity in the mean time.

    This is probably my favorite post from you. Because it's real. And it's true. There is no control. Just a perception of it.

    We all have our bumps. Our losses. Our gains.
    But you have our support.
    Don't ever think we'll be ashamed of you for any gain or falling off the track. You won't be judged here. You do enough of that yourself.
    stay strong, and you don't always need to be upbeat and positive. We like you no matter what mood you're in, what weight you are, or how strong you've been. It's why we're here - when you're weak, we'll be your strength.

    Good luck. ♥

  5. the answers to my problems are definitely not at the bottom of a bowl

    This is exactly what they tell people in therapy for binging, interestingly.

    The thing pro-recovery people seem not to understand: we know ED controls us. We know we're using it to deal with our emotions. We're just not willing to do it any other way. Repeating the dangers and telling us how great normality is isn't going to make us change our minds. We know.

    Routine is possible. If you've done it once, you can do it again.