Wednesday, September 16, 2009

i'm so weak right now

like you don't even know. But in a god way? Like... I slept for 12 hours last night, and still felt really titred. Then I literally chugged 2 pots of coffee. TWO POTS! I've never had that much coffee before. Needless to say, people thought I had taken speed before school Lol. But yeah then a few hours later I stood up and it was like everything from my old routine came right back to me: I stand up when the class bell rings, almost faint but don't, then walk to my next class out of pure memory because I can't really see anything because I'm convinced I'm half-unconscious from being so light-headed.
I love this part. It's my favorite part of all. Like I'm a fairie, or a ghost, something from some otherworld unknown to mortal humans.
Yes, immortal describes it perfectly :] I could do this forever.
152 pounds today. I'm right on track to being 147 if I keep losing a pound a day until Monday. I honestly have no clue what I will do if I see any number below 150. I'll be so happy. I've never weighed that in my whole entire life. This is probably the best thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.

We had to write a college admissions essay for english class, and I worte about being determined and strong-willed due to the effects of mean nasty children in elementary school.
I wrote about how I was swinging on the playground one day in 3rd grade, and the chains from the swing dug into my stomach because I was so big, and my favorite new shirt was already too tight, and so the chains made nasty stains on my new shirt and I was sad. And then, I tried to get out of the swing but I was stuck. And nobody ever swung next to me because I was fat, and so nobody was there to help me. I struggled to get out of the swing for like ten whole minutes and then I looked up and saw three of the pretty popular girls laughing their fucking asses off at me becaue "The fat girl got stuck in the swing again!!!"
I remember that night like it was fucking last night. It stuck with me all this time.
I went home, skipped dinner, and cried myself to sleep.
I was only like 10 years old, I didn't know that the food my family bought was the reason I was fat. But then, growing up with an entire family full of southern-conservative-baptists, who would know right from wrong? I had been brainwashed to think that greasy bacon and huge burgers with waaaaayyyyy too much extra cheese, and eating half of a whole fucking cake was normal, but it's not normal. It's not healthy. And realising that is the reason why I'm vegan now, and partly why I starve myself.
The other part has to do with control/trust/other issues I have with food, people, the world, my mom, etc...
I won't get into details about that, but yeah that's what I worte my essay on. And how it impacted me to lose 60 pounds and how that has made me a stronger person.
My teacher really liked it alot. I got an A on it :]

Good news! I'm 152, and I got my senior pictures back! I'll post those as soon as I get them uploaded!
Good luck to all my pretty girls and boys <333


  1. Can't wait to see the pics!! You're an inspiration again. That story was so sad too! Glad you've made progress and are a stronger person for it :)

  2. Losing 60 lbs. is such a big accomplishment. And those pretty popular girls laughing their heads off won't amount to as much as you will in life. You have way more willpower than those girls. Looking forward to your pics! I got mine done last Saturday! :)

  3. I did so good yesterday! and I'm so glad that you are at 152 now!! I'm excited for you :) you are my thinspiration.
    Today is day 2. I can do it because I know you are!!
    Think Thin!

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