im just gonna let some things out.

i can't sleep. i went running today. i burned all 700 calories that i ate. i can't sleep. and i'm watching reruns of the show heavy on a&e. and there's a woman on right now who was molested as a child and she got up to over 400 pounds. and they were doing this exercise where they were burying all the foods they used to be addicted to in a huge pile of dirt and she kept saying how she wasted 20 years of her life because of the trauma she went through as a child and how she doesn't want to waste her life anymore.
and all my life, that's what i was doing to myself.
when i was 215 pounds, when i started starving myself, i thought that would make me ok, and that losing weight would make everything better because all i wanted was to be skinny.
i went from one fucking extreme to the next and neither are good and idk how to get to that happy medium because i don't even know what happy is.
i remember when i was really little, sitting on the beach just me and my mom playing with barbie dolls. i would give anything to get back to there because that's what i think happiness is. and then she met my brother's dad and everything between then and now used to be a huge black void of my life that i tried so hard not to remember and lately it's been all i think about. how much pain he caused me, and all the shit he did to me, and all the shit he did to my mom.
the lady on tv said she always felt damaged because of what happened, but that the food she was eating was her fault.
i can't change what happened but i can change how i've been treating myself lately. starving doesn't work in the long run. unless you die. eating doesn't work in the long run, because you die. throwing up doesn't work because in the long run you die.
i don't want to die. i've been a living dead girl for 10 years of my life and i don't want to be that person who tortures herself anymore. i starve because it makes me feel like i'm good at something. i cook food because i'm amazing at it but then i eat it and feel like a failure. and when i do choose to throw up i feel like it's ok because at least i'm good at throwing up but then i still have failed my body because i'm tearing the linings of my organs to pieces but i can't stop. i don't know how to eat food or live like a normal person.
and sometimes i really want to get better but the therapists and the nutritionists and the counselors are all so unrealistic. nothing is going to make me better. i feel hopeless. i feel like nothing i do is going to get me to where i want to be because i don't know anything about myself at all because i've been a zombie for so long that i don't have dreams or goals or things to look forward to. most of me just wants to graduate and have a family.
but to start a family, i need a husband, and to find a man willing to marry my horrible self i need to be attractive.
but i've never felt attractive, so how can i even fathom what that means?
another lady on the show said that on her wedding day she weighed 88 pounds.
what the fuck.
i've been crying for the past like 3 hours over nothing. everything, and nothing at the same time.
i really want to eat right now but i'm not going to because i'm going to eat less calories tomorrow than i did today. that will be my ultimate goal, to eat at least one calorie less than i did the day before. i need to lose the fat that is gripping my body. it's holding onto my bones so tight but when i look in the mirror everything looks so fucking loose and saggy and fat and it jiggles when i walk it even jiggles when i cry because i've been crying so hard.
i wonder how many calories crying burns?
i haven't been to my chorale class in 2 weeks, and i don't think i'm going this week either, because i've been swamped with so much homework, and i don't have a ride to the after school rehearsals. i probably will fail the only class that i'm good at. i am such a failure.
i had one good day today, and i'm still a failure. that means the food isn't the variable that i need to be changing. but i still don't know what that is yet, so i will make the food the constant in this equation.
i need more toning exercises. anybody know any good ones?
i love you guys, i miss you, and as soon as i have more time i will catch up on your blogs. i hope nobody has forgotten about me <3