Monday, October 26, 2009

my best friend in the whole entire world had a seizure in my kitchen floor friday night.
because she's intensely bulimic and hadn't digested any real calories in almost a week.

and yet i havent had any kind of food since then.

life sucks.

and all the food on foodnetwork today wasn't even enough to make me crave anything.
and right now im enjoying being empty, disappearing, falling gently into ana's arms.
and i love it so much.
even though my hair is falling out.
even though i took 25 laxatives on friday.
even though my fingernails are getting that blue-ish tint to them.
and my skin has never been this dry before.
and my mouth has never tasted this horrible before,
even though i've brushed my teeth twice today.
and yes, even though i can't stand up too quickly, for fear of fainting, or worse, seizing in my best friend's kitchen, i can't stop this.
i can't stop this at all.
no matter how bad i want it, i just don't want it enough to stop.
it's my life now, and it's all that matters.
everything else is merely a distraction from whats really going on inside my head.
and when i feel like i need an escape from it, and i try not to think about it,
i just feel really lost.
like nothing else matters.

im so stressed out right now.
college early admissions deadline is next sunday, and i haven't done a damn thing to prepare for this, and i know i won't make any of the due dates.
and that fucking sucks.
because now i have to rush around to get all the paperwork filled out and sent in, and fucking admissions dues are skyrocketed and i don't have any money to even pay to apply to college.

i wish my life hadn't ended up like this, but honestly, i couldn't really see my life happening any other way.


  1. I guess part of me is worried, saying "Honey, please take care of yourself" but part of me is SO FUCKING JEALOUS. You've always been my inspiration. And I feel weird saying that because you seem to be pretty fragile right now... but I won't lie... it's true. Well I hope you're ok, honey.

  2. I'm pretty sure dipping your fingers in peroxide will get rid of the blue tint.

    But remember to take care of your body. Thin is beautiful, and so is hair. Good job though! I'm so envious. Lately all I can seem to do is eat. Blah.