woulda, coulda, shoulda

today would have been the perfect fast day:
I woke up empty. I was finally down to 155 again, after a long day of laxatives/diuretics and fasting. I really wanted to fast again today, or do liquids only, that way i would have had juice, then worked out for a little bit.
i could have had juice but...
Instead of juice, i decided that i would have a healthy meal, like a normal person. i had an english muffin with some sugar free jelly and peanut butter, half a banana, and some soymilk.
i should have stopped there,
but instead i ate all the new groceries my mom bought for me. yep. so at least there isnt much to eat for the rest of the week. at least i'll be safe then.

except now i have to do emergency contraception to all the food in my stomach right now, yet again. because im going to see rocky horror picture show tonight!
so i need to lose as much weight as possible by then.
so as soon as i stop eating, im going to eat 20 laxatives. and chug water. like a fish.
nop, more than a fish.
lots of water always helps to clear everything out faster.
and coffee.
i love drinking like a gallon of water when i get home from school, and then drinking coffee.
because i secretly love peeing. it makes me feel empty.
i havent peed today.
but thats because my body is dehydrated from all of these fucking laxatives.
but i cant help it.
and that only means i must drink two gallons of water today instead of just one.
and double the coffee tonight before i leave.

god have mercy on my bowels.