needless to say, the candy diet did not work at all..
so i threw out the rest of it and traded for almost every kind of carb there ever was.
today, my best friend and i skipped school to hang out at the town center.
but only because we both binged really horribly last night.
and thought it was a good idea to take fucking 50 laxatives each...
actually, she only took 45, but still...
we had to be close to bathrooms all day.
the whole time, i was praying i wouldnt see my intestines smiling up at me from the toilet bowl.
i really do hope i never take those fucking little blue pills ever the fuck again.
my bf broke up with me.
technically, were "taking a break", but still, it hurts.
he's bipolar, so im hoping this is just a depressive state, and that his "time to get his life back together" won't take forever.
im willing to ride the rollercoaster with him, because i love him, and when you love someone, you fight to stay with them.
and by taking this ride, and being there for him, that shows that im worth it... right?
i wish i felt worth it.
i wish i felt anything at all really.
i shit out 5 pounds of food today, and with that went all my emotions, every feeling ive ever felt before in my life, every ounce of happiness, sadness, anger, everything.
but empty is a better feeling than having the weight of the world in my stomach, and much better than being depressed.
im not depressed.
there aren't words for this. its so much worse.
its nothing and everything at the same time.
ana is eating my soul, and im serving it to her on a silver platter.
yikes about the laxies, that's so scary! i hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteAll those laxatives sound terrifying! I'm so glad you didn't get turned inside out! Purging does seem to make you numb, maybe that's why we like it so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about you boyfriend. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that happens to be!
There is something about that numbness that is so addicting, isn't there? It's easier to be numb than to feel the weight (heh heh) of the world - all the sadness and depression. But not feeling happy comes with the numbness. That's not too great. I guess you have to be sad to know how to be happy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your boyfriend. Whether it's permanent or not, things will work out the way they are meant to - always for the best. I'm glad to see a post from you <3
We lose parts of our selves in this, and the hardest thing to do is somehow find ourselves again, without being totally lost to this beast. To be able to exist within it, and flourish, and not wind up complete slaves to "Ana".
ReplyDeleteTo not wind up completely numb.
You didn't need the 50 laxatives. Sometimes, we have to take the consequences of our actions, even if it is binging. Because when we force ourselves to work to get that weight off, it's so much more meaningful, and we serve the proper punishment for our mistakes, and at least with me...when I do, I manage to still hold on to the piece of my soul that would have been lost if I gave in to the urge and shoved my toothbrush down my throat.
When I realize I'll have to fight for days to get back to where I was, and much longer to lose, if I do binge...I'm less likely to binge.
Not sure if that will help, but I hope it does.
I'm sorry about your boyfriend. Love is hard, and if he doesn't bring you back, then...it's not really worth it. Time will go on, and you'll find someone else who's willing to show you just how worth it you are.
It's okay if you feel lost in the dark. You're not alone there, love. You've got all of us to be lost with you.