Monday, July 6, 2009

so far so good :)

My yesterday went ok-ish, even though I practically didn't move all day. I just had like no energy. I read some of this really good book called "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters". It's really good, but sometimes the author says things that make me want to punch her. Like she totally bashes ED, trying to convince people that being skinny isn't attractive... hahaha. As if.
It's a good read though, a lot of what she says makes me wonder about other people's ED, like about their family issues or boy issues or girl issues.. And there's a whole chapter on how the dad plays into the situation instead of the mom..
I never had a dad. He told my mom to her face the day after I was born (after the blood test) that she was a whore, and that I definitely was not his daughter. So naturally, when the results said that he definitely IS my father, he ran. I have only met him once in my life, when I was 11 in 6th grade, and even though I was at his house all day long the only thing he said to me was "Hey". Fucking asshole. But yeah the author kept going on and on about how the Dad usually plays this big part in why a girl gets an eating disorder, or why she gets low self esteem and stuff and the whole time I'm thinking yeah but what happens if the Dad never WAS there??
But then the chapter about moms pretty much explained that. My mom tries to be superwoman. And as far as I can tell, she's doing a DAMN good job at it. Single mother, two kids, living in a house the state pays rent for, living off of food stamps, with absolutely no health insurance for her or her kids even though my mom has had cancer before and won the battle and even though my brother is always getting some kind of illness... Yeah, she's my mother, so I have to hate her sometimes for being a bitch. But when I stop and think of how much she does for me, and for how hard she tries to take on the world and be supermom, it just makes me want to cry. Adn I know that she does the best she can, and yeah she makes me feel like crap sometimes about myself because she says things like "you shouldn't wear that it makes you look bigger" or when she's trying to compete with me over stupid things, but just her act of trying to be perfect, and keep a few odd jobs for pocket money and fighting for child support money to help raise my brother and I and all the things she does just so we can stay alive, while still showing a smile to the world, telling them hey I can handle this, we're doin alright..
IDK where I was going with that. I think that seeing my mother hide her troubles all these years has led me to do the same. But I would much rather do that than throw things in people's faces.. You know the girls I'm talkign about
"Look at me I'm so sick I have an ED and you should all feel sorry for me nyeh nyeh nyeh.."
Lol. Idk. I just felt like venting I guess.
Anyways, today is going good, so far I had some oatmeal with some soy milk and a few blueberries (150 cals) and some coffee. And I found the most amazing thing ever: Splenda with fiber. And Splenda flavors for coffee. OMG. No, like seriously OH EHM GEEEE! Amazing. Purely amazing.


  1. that's interesting, i think i'm going to have to check out this book. I have a similar family situation, except my father died of cancer when I was younger. my mom got cancer but survived too and she worked random shitty jobs for a long while so we wouldn't loose the house. And she and I fight a lot and she pisses me off, but when it comes down to it she does do a ton for me and my family. But i understand the whole thing about trying to "keep strong" and keep your problems to yourself like your mom.

    hmm...splenda with fiber? will check this out too...

  2. Wow.. we should talk sometime (ha ha - like we don't) No wonder I felt compelled by you - we share a lot in common. My dad wasn't around for most of my life - finally at 28 I have a real relationship with him (only because at 60 he's realized what an ass he was most his life.. it takes time.. sometimes, a VERY long time...) My mom was a single mom, too for a while.. it's a long story.. but I have been through some of that shit myself - living on welfare, raising my two kids.. I'm not now.. and I am married now.. I don't know if I am still a single mom though because of where he is.. Getting off the point.. la la la.

    I think your mother has taught you to be strong and responsible and not bitchy or whiny.. you've never come across as complaining to me. I am honestly surprised by this revelation because you've never made it out that you had anything less than anyone else. That's a wonderful thing :)

  3. I like the new sugars coming out. Uhhhh i forget their names but they're like, these specialty things that have no cals and taste better imho. But I'm picky!

    I haven't read that book. I'm sorry about your dad. I think when some people talk about how "this is how it is for everyone with ED's" or "a vast majority of them" it makes me irritated. I dunno. I don't like talking about my problems, but my family life is...different. I've had more step parents than most people can count up to, I had a sister was a professional escort, and yeah...interesting shit XD

    So it's weird to hear other people make assumptions about stuff when it's so far from the truth. But I don't consider myself full out ED? Even though according to like, the DSM IV-TR I have it?
    Whatever XD

    Good job with feeling proud of yourself. I hate those no energy days, yo.
    And I'm happy that you feel that way about your mom. It's a very mature and very good stance to have ♥

  4. holy jesus my mom and your mom sound a lot alike. except i really dont get along with my mom 80% of the time.

    and books like that totally piss me off. its like if you dont have one, stfu and go eat while you still can.

    and i know exactly the kind of girls youre talking about also. the kind that do it so others pity them and give them attention? yeah i hate that.

    stay thin!

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  5. I read that book a few months ago!
    Was so interesting to hear other people's stories :)

    Good luck with everything!
    SJ x