Thursday, July 23, 2009


I am so so so so happy to be back. I feel really great today, and I'm going to the track with my friend, because she said she feels good to be back as well (we both hella binged last week, and she's back from her vacation now, so i got my buddy back yay!!) and Idk I just generally feel very inspired and uplifted today and I think this coffe is kicking in and I'm on top of the world and I conjured up a new plan!!
(liquids include water, tea, coffee, 100% juice, and soup that doesn't have large chunks of anything in it)
  • today, friday, and saturday: liquids only, 500 calories max
  • sunday: water/tea only, must meditate for 1/2 hour at least
  • monday, tuesday: liquids only, 400 calories max
  • no calorie wednesday (same as sunday)

that's my seven day fasting plan. I know I can do this :) After that I'm thinking of a new plan, somewhere along the lines of 2 cups of food per day, 1 of fruits and 1 of veggies, for 7 days, with the last 3 days including like a small bowl of oatmeal or a slice of toast.

**Must get to 150s must get to 150s must get to 150s**

And as far as exercise goes, I'm gonna try and get to the track as often as possible, like every spare minute I have will be devoted to running/walking/riding my bike. And if it rains or if I can't make it out there for some reason, I'm going to do either tae-bo or pilates (on vhs :]) and/or 30 minutes of calisthenics. And yop. That is beez tha plan, yo.

I feel so giggly :) I think my brother spiked my coffee :))) hehehe. This is my second cup. xD

I cannot wait for my stomach to rumble. I miss the feeling of hunger so much. It feels like there is a knot in my stomach, like i ate a bunch of rocks or something and they're just sitting in my stomach like no you won't feel hungry, never ever again. But I love feeling hungry, because then I know I'm doing it right. And especially because the last time I was hungry (about a week ago, pre-binge mode), I got on the scale and it said 159 and I screamed. Like literally, my mom came and was like wtf and I was like "Oh, just nothing" *insert huge cheesy grin here*.

I miss the feeling of severe anxiety around food. Like right before the first time I binged last week, I would purposely stay out of the kitchen so as not to see anything that would make me freak out, which was just about everything.

I also miss my room being spotless. And everything else being spotless. When I fast, or restrict, for long periods of time, my OCD gets really really severe, and I love the feelings of anxiety when my room is messy because it distracts me from eating because I feel like if there's dust on the window sill I HAVE to clean it before I do anything else. And idk I just feel cleaner when my OCD gets that bad. Like one day, I washed my hands 17 times. 17! Why did I need to wash my hands that much? Why did I count how many times I washed my hands??? I honestly don't know. But I like feeling like that. On the edge all the time. I think I burn more calories when I get like that because I get all jittery and stuff and I'm like hyper all the time. It's like... when I used to go see a shrink, they gave me Anafranil to help suppress my OCD symptoms, but I didn't like taking them because when I took them, I felt dead inside like something was missing, and when I would quit taking them I felt even more unclean than before I began the treatment and it was a really weird feeling and so I only took them for a little while before telling my shrink that they were not working and before she had a chance to prescribe something else, the insurance ran out and I quit seeing therapists.

Idk what I'm getting at. I just felt like rambling :)

I guess like.. they say that people who starve or restirct alot have symptoms of ocd, so maybe they run hand-in-hand... Idk but they both make me feel complete. Like I have a purpose. If I'm not aiming to better myself, then what am I for, right? And what better way to better yourself than to make yourself and your surroundings more clean? :)

Anywho... I hope everyone is doing ok on their diets/plans/fasts/whatever. You girls are so amazing in so many different ways. I'm so glad to be back to this. I feel at home again.

Ana's girls, I missed you. How are you?

Ana, I missed you. Thank you for forgiving me and coming back to whip me into shape :)

stay strong loves <333


  1. It is scary, but I'm better now :) *hugs back*
    And your plan sounds great, I'm positive it'll work!
    stay strong <3

  2. I'm doing better.
    Got my test results today. Will read them soon.

    And your plan sounds like what I was doing a few days ago.

    So glad your back. <3

  3. hey bitch i'm back love you damn i need to take a shower.

  4. you go girl ! i love you and i'm so glad you're back on track.
    This time you can do it. I don't know if its the coffee or what, but you sound really sure of yourself which means you have the motivation and determination to succeed this time. And i really hope you do =]

  5. whoa! sounds like a tough plan. but i know you can follow through gracefully! i like the meditation idea. i think i'm going to make it part of my day, but do it everyday. good way to keep myself from eating, and maybe it will help with my will power/self control :]

    hmm...very interesting about the cleaning/ED connection. i didn't realize that it was like a common thing to experience both, i thought i was just an OCD neat freak sometimes. i'll have to pay attention to see when i clean more and less and when i'm stricter and less strict with my eating. hopefully i'll be really strict from now on though...ok now i'm rambling. haha. stay strong. good luck lovely!

  6. It's good your back, cause' I looove your blog. It's really good!
    Good to hear you're back on track. Last weekend was pretty bad for me, but now everything is going like Amazing.
    Stay strong girly<33

  7. thanks for the comment dearie :D

    and yes, everything looks normal.
    but your thyroid is very tricky. it could be functioning normal.. but the T4 could also not be converting to T3 that well.

    i did meth for five years and that gives you like a constant stream of adrenaline surging through your body which would inhibit the T4 from converting. i have the difficulty losing weight, i have the ridges on my nails, i have hair growing on my sideburns that shouldnt be there, i am tired allllllllllll the time..
    i am hypothyroid and i am not convinced otherwise. tsh can read fine but there can be circumstances (like mine) that would cause something to go wrong..
    so im going to talk to my doctor and we will get it figured out. :D