Wednesday, March 3, 2010

growing down?

I just wanna say that everyone shoud go support these people because they are amazing :]
charlie whisper vinushka snowwhite lillie flower
pokerface dot ana_bella

Ok, so earlier today I was thinking: most people are expected to "grow up" during life. Like, mature and grow from a child to an adult, and make a life for themselves. However, I feel as though most of my life, I was expected to be the good little girl, and I was always seen as a grown up by the adults because I was shy and quiet, and everyone assumed that meant I was mature. So everyone always expected me to be the grown up little girl. With that expectation shoved down my throat all the time, I never got a chance to play with the othe kids, or make bad grades, or have birthday parties, or play dress up. I never got to run around crazy in public, because I felt like that's not what "good little girls" were expected to do, and my mom wouldn't love me if I did what other kids did.
Also, I was obese as a child, we're talking 190 pounds at age 12 obese, so I never had many friends anyways, so there was no point in acting like a child. I was expected to sit back, be quiet, and know what I wanted from life. Everyone thought I wasn't interested in boys because I never had a boyfriend, but really boys were so uninterested in me because I was fat and ugly that they made fun of me and I would cry when nobody was watching. So instead of dealing with this, I focused myself on school, and shut myself out from the world of people my own age.
When my little brother was born, I was expected to help take care of him. I always felt that I had a certain responsibility over him, not only as a sister, but that because I was so "intelligent" and "mature" that I was supposed to teach him everything. This made me even more shut off from the world.
All my friends my entire life have been younger than me. I never had anyone to help me "grow up" because I never had older friends to teach me stuff or older girlfriends to have "girl talk" with or anything like that. I always had to make myself seem cool so that at least the younger kids would like me and be my friend.
Now, however, I feel as if my whole life, especially this last year in high school, has been spent growing down instead of up. For example, I am smaller now than I ever have been in my whole life. I spend more time watching disney movies now than I did when I was 6. I eat more kid food, like go-gurt, and juice boxes, and cookies and milk, than I ever used to. When I binge, usually its on foods that take me back to faint childhood memories, times when I actually felt like a little kid. Like bingeing on Taco Bell food, because every saturday my grandma would take me to yard sales all morning and we always went to Taco Bell for lunch. Or the whole cookie thing I have, because my grandma always had cookies in her cookie jar. Or bingeing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because when I was really little, my mom and I would sit on the beach and eat our sandwiches and build sand castles.
I am so scared of what is going to happen once I graduate. There is no life before birth, and if I keep growing down, I have no idea where I will be, but I am too scared to grow up because I'm not ready for the responsibilities of college life, or adult life, or life in general.
I haven't been to school since last Thursday, partly because Ive been sick, but mostly because I am so scared to face high school. I'm just now settling in to what my interpretation of high school is, and it's almost over. I am so scared to graduate. I don't even want it to happen. I keep bingeing to procrastinate, to put off graduation one more day, to shut it out like it's not even going to happen. It's almost like I'm living in another dimension: I'm here, but I'm really not here because I'm not anywhere except at home stuffing my face. I haven't talked to ayone from school. I don't really want to. I don't want to face it. I don't want to grow up.
How can you grow up when you haven't even had a childhood yet?

On another note, I've fasted for almsot two days again, yay!
I hope everyone is doing well <333


  1. The not knowing is really painful. I know. I just graduated college and I'm trying to figure out if I am going to grad school, where I'm going, etc, and how i'm going to afford it. So I know about the great scary unknown.

    I had a crappy childhood as well. The really beautiful thing about college is that you get choices. You get to choose how you spend your time, and you get to control what you do, what's important. Sure, there are things to accomplish, responsibilities, doing well in school, working, etc... but I always felt that these were worth the freedom. As someone who has been an adult this whole time... well, now you get all the good stuff that comes with it. High school felt like prison for me because I worked like an adult, but still had as little control over my life as a child would.

    College was the best thing that ever happened to me and I desperately didn't want to graduate. It can be a wonderful next few years of your life too. Just think of it! All the things you never liked about yourself, you now have the control to reinvent (not to mention no one breathing down your neck about eating)! And you'll make friends. You will! This is gonna be great. Just watch!

  2. Change really is scary. But College is such a great time in life. We are all little kids there. I swear all the partying we do drops our IQ's by 10 points. It is the most free you will feel in life.
    Live you life happily. Play and laugh and act like a dorky kid if you wanna... just don't' steal my SpongeBob slippers. kay?

    xoxo zen

  3. :]
    Honestly, I love you.
    In a non-creepy way.

    You guys have become like a second family to me-better than my real family!
    I'm petrified of graduating too, and I still have a year to go.
    It's our time to have a childhood now! I still go to playgrounds and buy stuffed animals. I told my parents I wanted an EasyBake oven for my birthday because I'd never had one (didn't get one :[)
    Let's be kids now before we're forced to grow up.
    And we can do it without the fattening "healthy" foods. :]

  4. Oh there is hope! There is!! I'm sure you will love college. It won't always be easy, but there will be times that it is so rewarding, it makes up for the hard times. You can do it!!

  5. aww thanks hun for mentioning me! I feel guilty I've hardly posted lately!

    I think what you say resonates with SO many, ED sufferers. ED's often start at the transition into puberty, or, more frequently, at the beginning of the transition into adulthood e.g. college or university. It's the fear of growing up and becoming a responsible adult that is often when we start to engage in ED behaviours because we're scared. We're very change-resistant and don't like being out of our comfort zone. Due to your background it's no wonder you are having a hard time growing up, since you are only able to do it now.

    I know how you feel, I was very shy and quiet and expected to act like an adult and yet when I did act like a child e.g. answer back to my Dad or be 'naughty' (which hardly ever happened) I was met with such anger from the adults in my family (mainly my Dad). So I'm struggling with the responsibility of being an adult too. I'm 24 now, moved out of home and at University but I still hate the idea of being responsible. I let my husband do all the responsible 'adult' things and I am full-time at Uni and yet I don't really want to graduate and work in the real world. I tried it once before and I hated it.

    It's a hard road ahead and I don't have any tips for you as I can't think of any myself! If it is consuming you then see someone. Cognitive behavioural therapy is good for that but only when you're ready of course, which I am not currently. But I might have to look into it when I graduate.

    Just realise that what you're feeling is very common in ED's.. it doesn't make you abnormal. It is actually 'normal' in ED's..I know this as I had a lecture from a prominent ED doctor who explained this. It was very insightful.

    Take you lots (as Charlie said, not in a weird way haha!) xxxx

  6. Aww thank you so much for mentioning me :)

    but hey I know you can get through this. You've made it through this far despite whatever has happened in the past. Senior year is supposed to be the best year of high school and now it's mostly over and all your college apps are done so maybe you could just try and enjoy it? Maybe?

    You're doing so well right now and I know you can keep it up cuz you've done it before. Just try not to lose focus and stop worrying about the past.

    I believe in you even if you don't :)

  7. Thankyouuu so much for mentioning me ^_^ I feel all special lol
    And I totally relate to the post. I've spent my childhood living up to expectations to act grown up. ..Now I'm just about 18 and I'm starting to act like a kid. And college..ugh. I so don't want to grow up and be an adult. I've no idea what I want to do with my life.
    I'm sure we'll figure it out.
    I'm actually going for culinary arts[i really hope we don't have to eat everything] my first year. Just trying something I'm a bit interested in rather than doing nothing or something someone else tells me to.
    And Congrats on the fast! :]

  8. hey buddy!!!!!
    we have got this, it is a new day and we are going to fast and possibly beat gandhi's 68 days....well maybe lol but it will be for a long time no more procrastinating whiny excuses.
    ugh ikr i never want to grow up and im terrified of turning 19 it seems so close i think im more afraid of that then graduating but as long as we get small and look little we dont have to associate age with having to grow up and be kids forever hopefully

  9. I was a really nervous about college, too, so I totally understand. It's not so bad, though, once you get into it. I'm sure you will do just awesome!