I just wanna say that everyone shoud go support these people because they are amazing :]
charlie whisper vinushka snowwhite lillie flower
pokerface dot ana_bella
Ok, so earlier today I was thinking: most people are expected to "grow up" during life. Like, mature and grow from a child to an adult, and make a life for themselves. However, I feel as though most of my life, I was expected to be the good little girl, and I was always seen as a grown up by the adults because I was shy and quiet, and everyone assumed that meant I was mature. So everyone always expected me to be the grown up little girl. With that expectation shoved down my throat all the time, I never got a chance to play with the othe kids, or make bad grades, or have birthday parties, or play dress up. I never got to run around crazy in public, because I felt like that's not what "good little girls" were expected to do, and my mom wouldn't love me if I did what other kids did.
Also, I was obese as a child, we're talking 190 pounds at age 12 obese, so I never had many friends anyways, so there was no point in acting like a child. I was expected to sit back, be quiet, and know what I wanted from life. Everyone thought I wasn't interested in boys because I never had a boyfriend, but really boys were so uninterested in me because I was fat and ugly that they made fun of me and I would cry when nobody was watching. So instead of dealing with this, I focused myself on school, and shut myself out from the world of people my own age.
When my little brother was born, I was expected to help take care of him. I always felt that I had a certain responsibility over him, not only as a sister, but that because I was so "intelligent" and "mature" that I was supposed to teach him everything. This made me even more shut off from the world.
All my friends my entire life have been younger than me. I never had anyone to help me "grow up" because I never had older friends to teach me stuff or older girlfriends to have "girl talk" with or anything like that. I always had to make myself seem cool so that at least the younger kids would like me and be my friend.
Now, however, I feel as if my whole life, especially this last year in high school, has been spent growing down instead of up. For example, I am smaller now than I ever have been in my whole life. I spend more time watching disney movies now than I did when I was 6. I eat more kid food, like go-gurt, and juice boxes, and cookies and milk, than I ever used to. When I binge, usually its on foods that take me back to faint childhood memories, times when I actually felt like a little kid. Like bingeing on Taco Bell food, because every saturday my grandma would take me to yard sales all morning and we always went to Taco Bell for lunch. Or the whole cookie thing I have, because my grandma always had cookies in her cookie jar. Or bingeing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because when I was really little, my mom and I would sit on the beach and eat our sandwiches and build sand castles.
I am so scared of what is going to happen once I graduate. There is no life before birth, and if I keep growing down, I have no idea where I will be, but I am too scared to grow up because I'm not ready for the responsibilities of college life, or adult life, or life in general.
I haven't been to school since last Thursday, partly because Ive been sick, but mostly because I am so scared to face high school. I'm just now settling in to what my interpretation of high school is, and it's almost over. I am so scared to graduate. I don't even want it to happen. I keep bingeing to procrastinate, to put off graduation one more day, to shut it out like it's not even going to happen. It's almost like I'm living in another dimension: I'm here, but I'm really not here because I'm not anywhere except at home stuffing my face. I haven't talked to ayone from school. I don't really want to. I don't want to face it. I don't want to grow up.
How can you grow up when you haven't even had a childhood yet?
On another note, I've fasted for almsot two days again, yay!
I hope everyone is doing well <333