i cant sleep.

because my blood sugar levels are through the roof from bingeing
and im so cold
i cant feel my toes
and i want more more more more
a greedy fat whale pig
who wont stop
nothing satisfies me anymore except the number getting smaller
and nothing makes me angrier than that number growing
bigger bigger bigger, like my stomach

where have i gone?
where is heather?
who is this monster taking control of me?

ive been so moody this week. ive been lashing out for no reason other than im just irritable and cranky and i hate everything and people keep talking and i just want everything to shut up

i want my old self back again.
she comes and goes, i love it when she stays for a week and i reach a new low weight

but then she leaves, abandons me, like everything else in the world.
and thats when it gets worse.
and it gets worse every time she leaves is worse than the last time she left.
if only i could chain her to me.
if only she were strong enough to help me fight off this monster
but this monster scares her away
because its so big and fat and gross

im so tired of being a monster and scaring ana away :/