fasting saturday for yom kippur? i b/p twice just before sundown today lol it counts okay no food from sundown to sundown okay it fucking counts lololol

4095 calories in and out in 45 minutes.

i even threw up some of my lunch. what am i becoming?

oh well, i have some movies and some vodka and mommy is coming to pick me up in the morning to take me back to la-la-land for the weekend.

Girl, Interrupted. Black Swan. Hannibal.
WIN.

omg i did ecstasy xD
would have been ten bazillion times better with jake though :(

he apologized. at first i was all sad and like wahhh im a slut wahhhh

and now
i really just wanna use it to my advantage
and have sex with everyone >:D

/......................ok i am a slut w/e

i think
i did a lot of things last night
that i regret
but i don't remember
i just had a really long dream
and woke up naked
at least i was in my own bed
:''(

awesome day. 120 calories of protein from eggs and egg whites. tea, water, coffee.
lifted weights today, burned 900 calories total from walking back and forth to class.

drinking later wiff some peoples.
ohhh yeahhhhhhhh

need to catch up on you guys, i miss you :(

fuck i binged.
BUT! i didn't purge.
except then mom wanted to take me to dairy queen before she dropped me off at my dorm, since we didn't really do anything for my birthday, and i already had like 3000 calories today so i was like meh wwutevaa and i got this huuuge ice cream thing that was a little over 1000 calories and when i realized i had eaten over 4000 calories and not purged, i tried to as soon as i got here, and i got like maybe half a cup full of vomit -______________- i was like.. seriously.. seriously... ugh
HOWEVER
i promised myself this morning when i woke up i would go to the campus gym today.
AND I DID
and i lifted heavy weights, heavier than i ever have and that made me proud. and also because i’m the only girl in there ever who actually lifts weights… and there definitely were people there bigger than me, and this one girl reminded me of my former self from like 3 years ago (i was 215) and she was GETTING IT on the elliptical and i wanted to get some pompoms and cheer her on!!!!! lol..
i didn’t burn as many calories as i planned to, but i did more today than i usually do when i go to the gym. i lifted weights for 40 minutes and then 45 minutes on the crosstrainer thing and burned like 1000 calories total, so i am pretty proud of myself :)

im seriously the only girl in the gym who looks like a drowning rat from sweat who lifts 50lb weights and all the other girls are running on the treadmill with their skinny-fat flapping in the wind. like… seriously? i could kick you guys’s asses >:)

i do miss doing the crosstrainer for hours though, cardio is nice. i don't think my heart would have been able to handle it after this weekend though, but i do want to work myself up to more cardio so my heart will be ok maybe....

ok so goals for the week:

• lift weights at least 3 times (full body, 3 sets of 15 reps).
• burn at least 3500 calories in cardio (700calories/day, 5 days).
• have protein after every. single. workout.
  

supposed to be fasting tomorrow. might take a rest day tomorrow, might not. the rule is, if i workout, i HAVE to have protein afterwards, so i might possibly just tell my body “use all that fat you have for fuel goddammit i will feed your muscles to you when you’re done!!!!” and ONLY eat the protein after i workout...
ha.. anyway.. imma drink my bedtime tea and watch war of the worlds, and try to sleep eventually :) <3

I AM FUCKING BACK MOTHERFUCKERS! (oh and i will be posting some of my collages on here sometime this week)

what the hell?
i found all my old journals from when i first started really losing weight. i fasted for 6 whole days once and lost like 30 pounds in a month. i used to do "liquids only" for days and days and every wednesday was "zero calories wednesday"

what in the actual fuck happened to me? it was SO easy then, like i literally was a fucking PRO at dis shiiit.

so............what's stopping me from doing all that now?
oh, yeah... nothing!

i will be fucking skinny. i used to make collages, i have over 300 of them in a folder with my journals. and i will be making a lot more of them.

today i have had about 750 calories today, it is 2:15pm, and i am green tea fasting for the rest of the day. i will be fasting this week sometime. wednesday will be no calories.

im gonna fucking do this. im tired of not actually working for it like i used to.
i will be working out some this week, mostly just weights so i don't lose muscle. the only food i have in my dorm is frozen veggies, eggs, and a pound of dry black beans, so i can have protein after i work out but basically that will be it. fuck all this being fat shit.

lol i love my familyt sometimes
my mom and i are drunk
my little brother is all like "lets play a board game!!!!"
so we play aggravattion
twice
he kicks our ass
twice
and all my mom and i can do

is laugfh our asses off xD

times like this man, times like htis. <3
if i could stay here forever i would be ok.
but then, life has to happen sometimes,.

sorry for getting all philosophical while drunk lol

i feel like im on crack! >:D i binged and purged almost everything for the first time in a while. do any of you know the high feeling from purging? like, remember the very first time you actually got high from it?? i haven’t felt that way since the first time. omfg. and i cleaned the whole fucking house >:D and i made cookies >:D i refuse to gain while my mom is losing. watch, she’ll get home and be all like “GASP YOU MADE COOKIES OMNOMNOMNOM” and i’ll sip my green tea and be all like tehehehehehehehe

imma finish this green tea, go shower, maybe drink another cup of green tea or possibly just go straight for the vodka, cuz we is drankin tonight!

does anybody else feel the need to shave their legs, wash their face and hair like five times, and scrub their skin raw after b/p???feels so awesomeeeeeee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwg563Hcjpk&feature=player_embedded

True Life: I have an eating disorder

i just cried for 42 minutes straight. i basically am all three of these people put together. and the guy’s mom basically did what my mom did “im glad were gonna get that taken care of” …yeah… right….. :( “it’s what i do when i’m lonely” “i’m just so uncomfortable in my skin today… i get so disgusted with my body that i don’t wanna do anything” :’(…… the sad part is i really just wanna go nomvom all over my kitchen now :”(

im so full i literally cannot move :(

and my heart is literally pounding out of my chest from being under the pressure of my stomach :(

im debating on just lying here and not purging because purging will fuck up my heart more but i cannot lie down because my stomach hurts so bad wahhh

times like this, i would give anything and everything to be able to control this.

im gonna go purge now, so at least my stomach will stop hurting. my heart won’t ever stop hurting anyway.

***********edit

i feel like i just put my stomach through a washing machine.

i literally b/p’d on enough food for like two weeks, didn’t get everything up, drank a two liter of water, purged that (with more food), drank another two liter of water and purged (food), and was going to do the water thing again because i KNOW there’s still food in me but i had been doing this for three hours and all the purging was making my heart feel reeeeeeeeally weird and my eyes got bloodshot and i got dizzy when i stood up the last time :( so i took a shower. and now my nails are breaking off.

my stomach looks like a bag that has been emptied, you know how bags get like wrinkles and folds when they’re empty? that’s kinda what my stomach looks like. it feels like i put it through the rinse cycle.

green tea, cigarette, and then the drinking shall commence unless i’m too tired.

home for the weekend. "friends" are mad at me because that means i won't be hanging out with them. as fucking if. fuck them. they aren't real friends.
anywhoooo
home with lost of food and lots of vodka sounds like a better birthday weekend anyway.

it occurred to me, being this antisocial is a lot more expensive...
food and vodka, for one night for me, is like..... anywhere from $20 to $60.... to be able to binge, purge, and then drink "properly" anyway...
lol what even is "proper" when it comes to b/p lololol no such thing.

i am in a fairly odd mood..........
imma go bake me a cake now, for mah birfday. imma bake mah cake and eat it too! maybe even eat it twice if i'm lucky tonight, because my first b/p of the day i didn't get any food up, just water :| and solution was to eat more food what i can't even what sense does that make?!??!?!?!?!

edit********

i tried to make my cake say "happy fucking birthday" i got halfway through the word fucking and the icing bag broke and the rest of the icing spilled all over the goddamn cake.

it will still taste the same. i cant even fucking ice a cake right. fuck everything.

........................

and my mom is just like "that just means less time you have to wait before you get to eat it!"

oh yay i get to eat more fucking food! sparkle hearts stars sparkle sparkle :DD <33 ~*~*~*~*~*~

…………………………………………………………………………………..

im definitely throwing up in HER toilet tonight and NOT mine.

i kind of love how easy it is to get drunk right after purging everything.

alcoholic before anything else. bulimic bitch second.

b/p everything in my dorm. which was: oatmeal, vegetables, eggs, beans, vegetables, apples.
yep. it has come to that.
now i guess i'll just chug water and throw that up too.

who am i? :'(

passed out at like midnight, woke up crying at 4am, no hangover, feel totally normal but still angry and sad, i don't want to go to class i just want to binge and purge and drink all day :'(

i am so fucking pissed off. nobody ever wants to do shit that i want to do, even when it's MY fucking birthday.

so ya know what? fuck all of everyone. no, you can’t drink with me because i paid for this with my own fucking food money and no i will not smoke weed from you because i cat smoke after im drinking i have to smoke before i drink or i go crazy. nobody ever wants to do anything during the day, and im not the type of person to love being high at night because when im high is the only time i think sunshine is pretty so just fuck everyone.

happy fucking birthday. im gonna watch 101 dalmations again and chug my handle of vodka all by myself until i fucking die.

****EDIT

i dont even want to fucking drink anymore i want to spend my very last 20 bucks, that i was gonna spend on weed, and just binge. i want to spend all of my money thats supposed to last me the next 3 months on food and binge and purge until my heart explodes. i cant fucking do this.

why does everybody fucking hate me? like really wtf did i do to the world to make everyone act such shit to me?!

***************EDIT2

...the lonliest kind of lonely is when you search your whole entire life for that one special person who understands, one person who will just exist with you when the world turns its back on you, one person to make you feel not left out and alone and sad, and then you finally find that one single person in the whole wide world, and then they die. because then you're even more alone in the world than you already were before.

it's five o'clock. disregard anything i post between now and whenever i wake up tomorrow. happy birfday to meeeeee :D

happy fucking birthday :(
i never ever thought i would live this long, nor did i ever want to, tbh.

i'm fasting today. coffee, water, tea, and then tonight if i can find someone old enough to buy vodka then i will celebrate my birthday.

i drank like 4 bottles of gatorade last night because i panicked from my heart feeling so weird after i purged. so i feel better ish now, i guess. except i also ate more food, so blehhh

ten minutes before the end of class: no, i won’t b/p today, i’m too tired

class gets out: orders pizza, ziti, ice cream, breadsticks, cookies, poptarts….

i think i got everything out though, and i only had about 350 calories earlier. if i didn't get everything out, i got most of it out, and the first thing i ate would have only made my calories go to like 600 ish. bleh. im so tired now :(

i ate like 50 bucks worth of food :( i dont fucking have this kind of money that was supposed to be for vodka for my birthday but i cant stop eating and my heart feels really weird it keeps skipping and like halfway beating but i cant stop and my throat hurts and i just hate everything and i want my heart to fucking explode already so i can just die :'(

i have never ever had a hangover before :) it is awesome being my mother's child sometimes. i had a shot for every year i've been on this planet (20) and i walked home, and i woke up my roommates, and i woke up this morning on time :) epic win.

plan for today:
b- had 2 eggs, oatmeal, plum (245)
l- celery, carrots, broccoli (85)
d- veggies, beans (200)
total=530
maybe i'll go to the gym today? i need to at least do weights.
meh

i feel weird today. like im sitting in the library and im hiding in this chair in a corner at the top floor and there are like no people at all except sometimes a person will walk by and im like terrified its an alien or something or that they see me and think im hiding up here cuz im looking at porn or something... and then there are all these bookshelves and they look like they're dancing or something... idk
im so fucking hungry. i wanna lay in bed all day and binge and not go to class but im already on campus, no sense in going back to my dorm, and also i have to turn in a paper blehhh but i just wanna wear sweats and watch disney movies and eat pizza and smoke weed

plan was awesome! i also ate a banana, but i walked that off.
also, i had 2 exams today, ACED THEM WOOOOOOO
overpreparation= easy exams= overrewards for heddurrr >:D bring on da vodka

plan for today

b- egg, oatmeal, plum (140)

l- celery, carrots (65)

dinner- black bean soup (165)

total= 370

i would fast but i already had breakfast so... keeping it 500 or less all week. except ym birthday, when i will consume massive amounts of alcohol >:D

LOL i apologize for drunken blogging.
i am definitely restricting today holy crap i ate a shit ton of food last night and then just went to bed.....
so i woke up more bloated than ive been in fucking forever and i have a food hangover-not even a drinking hangover -___-

if i had laxatives i would be so happy right now :( yesterday the most embarrassing thing happened. i was at wal-mart and i ran in, grabbed a box of laxatives, went to the self-checkout line, and when i went to put my money into the machine it wouldn't take my last dollar... so i had three people in line behind me like "whats taking you so long wtf" and i didn't know what to do so i cancelled the payment which made the machine give me my money back and i just like ran out the store...
which means the people behind me were left with a machine that had a box of laxatives sitting on it...
i wonder what they were thinking about me?
i couldn't stop thinking about that last night lol it shouldn't bother me, i don't know them and they don't know me and i'll probably never see those people ever again but still....

sighhh
definitely not going to weigh myself today.... i need a scale for my dorm.
OMFG i just realized i only have 3 days until my birthday :( i failed my birthday challenge. maybe i will just fast until my birthday once i get to my dorm. i mean it's not like i have money for food anyway. the money i have is for drugs lol

the only thing i dislike about drinking is that im drunk right now with my mama and i wanna binge but im too drunk to purge hehehehehe im so hungryyy but drunk heather eats a lot of shit food so i kinna aready binged a little but yeh i caant purge right now
ive never ever throen up from drinking thouhgh so theres no chance tha will happen
i have so much orange juice in my tummy xD
shre bought me a handle of vodka for m birthday and we finished the whole thing tonight in like 3 horurs :) i love my mommy lolol

well today was a fail...
:/
vodka for everyone! drinks all around!
it doesnt matter how fat i am if im drunk.

100 days until christmas, day 100

stats: 32-28-35 (146 pounds)
goal for today: liquids only. under 500 calories.
500 crunches.

i want to have abs by halloween so i can wear sexy costumes instead of regular ones. just cuz i've never been able to before.
also, i made a mini calendar for this 100 day thing. a notecard for each day saying how many days left and every like ten days or so imma write my weight/measurements :) i only have to lose 16 pounds by christmas, so i have plenty of time, but i mainly want to perfect my restricting and get to a point where drinking a bathtub full of water doesn't make me gain like 6 pounds of water weight. and also, i need to stop binging everytime i come home. my family has like no food in the house now, after 6 binges in 2.5 days, and my mom is working two jobs and still doesn't have money for enough food, so i feel really bad now. i mean, all the things i binged on i made sure there was a lot of it, or that it was food that my mom and brother don't eat a lot of, like pasta and oatmeal. so i didn't eat any of the "good" food. and also because it doesn't really matter what you binge on if you're just gonna throw it up, so i didn't binge on anything like really delicious. except cookies, but they were really old and hard so i figured it was ok lol
anyways......................
today will consist of coffee water tea juice and gatorade to get my electrolytes back in order (so peri doesn't shoot me through the computer). i have to help my om move furniture and stuff all day, so i can't just like pass out in front of her, she would flip shit and i don't want to scare her any more than i already do.

i will catch up you guys's blogses laters when i'm not trying not to die in front of my mom. <3

100 days until christmas. i will be 130 by christmas morning, or santa doesn't exist.

mom leaves to get brother. heather binges. mom and brother get back. heather panics. mom and brother leave for football practice. heather purges everything (hopefully).

thirty minutes to wait for them to leave aaaaaaagggghhhh

calories numbers i binged on four pounds of food get the fuck out leave now calories mom leave hunter has practice numbers ok you’ll be numbers late you should calories really just leave now calories leave now gtfo calories

heather fails to purge so she binges again. and fails to purge again.

drink water keep trying throw up until waters clear dont freak no panic aaaaaaaaaa

...

i just want jake back :'(

ahaha peri <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfyJMrMSx_Q&feature=related

i feel a little better now, it is 7:30 am, my mom just left for work and i will be home alone until like 4 ish. i have a plan!

plan A: weigh-in, coffee (with milk for calcium= 65), breakfast (eggs & banana or oatmeal? ~200), toning exercises for 30 min(-270), DDR for two hours (-1000), lunch (vegetables. 100), finish wintergirls, drink a bathtub full of water, dinner (salad. 100) TOTAL=500 max.

i have to be good today. if not, then i have a plan b for if i binge. i planned out plan b before i came up with plan a….

plan b: weigh-in, coffee (milk= 65), binge/purge, breakfast (eggs, banana. ~200), toning exercises (-270), DDR (-1000), drink bathtub, lunch (vegetables. 100), wintergirls, toning exercises, binge/purge, dinner (salad. 100). TOTAL=500 max.

((plan c: fast.)) ((plan d: b/p all day, no other food.))

i weigh 144 :'( so i only lost 3 pounds in two weeks, except i know i was less than that yesterday morning. but considering i did binge last night and might not have gotten all of the first binge out, i am ok with this. my upper limit used to be 155, so now i think i am lowering that to 150. as long as i am under 150 no matter what, then i won't die. but i hope tomorrow i am 144 or less.

i havent had milk in my coffee in so long 0__0 this is fucking delicious!

************EDIT

i have binged and purged four times since 6pm yesterday.

part of me wants to tell somebody and part of me is like FUCK YEAH BITCHES I HAD 32378 CALORIES TODAY AND IM STILL 144!!!!!!!!!

i need inpatient. bleh :))

i got home and went straight to the kitchen and ingested 700 calories almost instantly, within 10 minutes. on top of the 400 calories i had while at school. so in total it was within my highest acceptable limit (1072) but it still felt like SO MUCH :(
i also discovered that it is possible for me to throw up in a toilet, which i have never been able to do. but i didn't get everything up, maybe like 1/5th. then, mom wanted to make dinner calories
-___________-
so i ate like 4 bowls of pasta and threw that up until i tasted the other stuff i had eaten earlier.
i feel like shit, and my tummy hurts, and my teeth feel nonexistent.
i want to try and fast tomorrow.
god my stomach hurts so bad. i wish i had laxatives :(

i woke up and wanted to fast again. what?!

(also, vintage model spam on my tumblr. it's da bomb: http://heather-hunger.tumblr.com/)

((also also, I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID REFUND! its only a hundred bucks though, so ill probably spend most of it on weed, vodka, and laxatives :p))

this was me breaking a fast. i know it's not a lot and definitely not enough protein and i know i should eat more but i feel like this was WAY too much, like i totally could have skipped the peanut butter, and the soup mix had a lot of sodium in it... :/ meh

this excerpt from wintergirls makes me want to fast tomorrow. i have seriously cried multiple times reading this book already. this part right here, though, is what i aim for, the numbness that starving brings. i did it once, i can do it again. i do not want to feel this shit anymore, and honestly i'm so lonely that if my tummy growled, i would probably talk back to it. also, i would love to be a cute little hamster.

it's 3pm and i've only had 335 calories today :)

i was planning on having some soup (30) with vegetables (50) and some more beans (140), which would bring my total to 520… i might just have the soup… or just the beans, for protein… or just coffee… :/ now i’m all sad again.

also, this looks exactly like my old friend and i, she always had crazy air, and i always tried to dress like her but looked weird standing next to her, but we were bffles and i miss her to death :'(

she used to have a blog on here, but she deleted it when we stopped talking :''(

as promised :)

it ended up being 52 hours because i didn't wake up until 8, didn't eat until 9.
i broke my fast with peanut butter, my roommate's, because i have no food except dried beans, and while i was waiting for them to cook i had a spoon of peanut butter :)
i have literally nothing after those beans and the one bag of popcorn are gone. i'm trying to stretch it out until thursday night, when i go home. i am so excited to go home because there will be food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaa :D
anyway...
um... today i feel rested. a little dizzy from the fasting and because i probably didn't drink enough water, and also because cigarettes make me dizzy sometimes. anybody else get dizzy while smoking, or is it just me?
bleh :)
so now i'm just chillin in the library, sippin on some water.
i'm reading wintergirls. part of me wants to fast until i'm done with this book. i think that is a genius idea. but then i will be more likely to binge when i go home... so idk.
maybe i'll do that with the next book i read.

lol when i'm at the library, and i have to use the restroom, i turn on my webcam and put this up on my laptop cuz im too lazy to pack all my stuff up especially if i'm just gonna come back to this same spot :p hehehe

yesterday fasting went amazing. i'm on hour 34 right now :) woo
the hunger high is kicking in. maybe i'll get re-addicted this time, and then the binge addiction will go the fuck away?
meh.
anywhooo
i am distracting myself with homework >:D skinny and smart what what
>:D

i want to fast today. i want to workout today. should i save my workout for a day when i eat, or should i save my fast for another day?

technically i could do both but i dont want to work out hardcore and not replenish my muscles and such. i worked too hard to gain the muscle mass back that i lost when i got really unwell last time.
but i really want to fast and lay around on my fat lazy ass all day because i walked for two hours yesterday for cigarettes AND went to a rave party didnt get home until 4am, on top of a hardcore workout i did yesterday morning............ needless to say i am tired, and i should probably take a "rest day" and eat tons of protein.
problem is, i dont have any protein at all, unless popcorn has protein... so i might just fast and let my muscles rest. i might go for a walk later or something, walk to the library and hang out in there for a bit. i love the library. except i know for a fact i will be in there all day everyday this week, mon-thurs. and i dont have any homework really. i could go work on my novel?

sorry if it seems like i am ranting, i feel kind of on a cloud right now and i am trying to organize my thoughts. lol i smoked a lot of weed at the rave last night. my friend johnny was one of the DJs, and there were a lot of drugs at that place, like omg. this guy i knew there gave me x. it was ok, but i didnt get to take enough for the full effects, but i guess that is a good thing. dont wanna have a bad first trip :p he was on a lot of shrooms, as well... the whole thing was just funny because i was the most sober person there, and i was high and on ecstasy, holding a beer, bobbing my head to some of dj johnny's dubstep :)
OH and i didnt feel very fat last night but its probably because i walked and exercised so much and i wore a huge tee shirt. i had the munchies like a mofo though haha

anyways, i think i have decided to just fast today and take a nice shower and paint my nails and do girly-myself-time stuff today. and i downloaded wintergirls on .pdf so i want to read that as well. (i might take a trip to the library to read, and then i'll get like 30 min. total of walking exercise, which is ok for fasting)

ok so i hope everyone is doing ok, i know some of you are struggling at the moment, and i just want to say i love you :)

*************EDIT***********

i'm doing a 50 hour fast.
last time i ate was around 4:30-5:00 am, so i’m on hour 8. no solids until 7am on tuesday. i will drink water, coffee, tea, clear broth, etc. if i work out monday i will have a protein shake.
i’m gonna be doing the whole tally mark thing on my arm too, to keep me motivated. i’ll take a picture when i’m done. anyone wants to join, let me know :)

so it's friday night. i have all my homework done. and now i'm just sitting on my ass on my laptop refreshing my tumblr dashboard and wishing i had friends who gave a shit :/
bleh. i really should have gone home this weekend but i dont want to binge again (even though i had like 1600 calories today) and the guy i got high with last night (my bf's friend) is dj-ing tomorrow night and i wanna go. the only bad thing is i don't want to go alone, but i have no one to go with me............................

what i need to do tonight:

• shower (and shave my legs :p)
• paint toenails
• print my poem for class
• read

what i wanted to do tonight:

• workout
• smoke weed
• drink lots of vodka
• talk to people

what im currently doing:

• eating beans
• watching inception
• tumbling
• chipping the polish off my nails

plan: drink 8 glasses of water before i go to bed tonight, wake up at 8 tomorrow, cardio for an hour, protein shake, long walk in the nature trails, lunch if i can find food (without money…), water fasting the rest of the day, maybe take a nap… such is the life of someone with shitty friends who don't give a fuck :/

this was almost exactly 3500 calories. i had it in and out in a little over an hour, and this was just the first of three binges. it included the pizza, candy bar, a big peanut butter cup cookie, some oreos, some ritz crackers, a bowl of ramen, and half a box of cookie crisp cereal, and also a protein shake cuz it was chocolate flavored :)i dont regret this binge, just the other two, which were basically ramen, crackers, water and beans...

so i walked all over campus with jake's old friend jonny and he got me high and i ate popcorn and watched inception.
and the rest of the weekend i will be in the library. or the gym.
plan for today: already had breakfast (140) might possibly fast the rest of the day or have a protein shake or something. after my binge yesterday i seriously have only dried beans, some quinoa, and frozen veggies, and one packet of popcorn left...
so yeah.
oh! i have a starbucks giftcard...... idk what the hell i would get there, everything is loaded with sugar... maybe a green tea. i haven't had green tea in a long time.
bleh.
okay time to go to the library and read for my classes and work on my novel and look up thinspo and basically be a hobo :) i love the library #thisiswhyihavenofriendslol

i just spent the last four fucking hours bingeing and purging because im fucking bored and i have no friends and people i thought were my friends had plans but then ditched me at the last fucking minute so i was like fuck everybody i spent twenty bucks that i dont have on food and i threw it all fucking up and then right as im getting out the shower my "best" friend asks if i want to hang out so i get all excited and ask him where to meet him i get ready to go in like 2 seconds which is basically IMPOSSIBLE for me, i get halfway to his dorm and he texts me "oh well nvm you cant come with us"
......................................
I AM GOING TO FUCKING BREAK THINGS.
:'(
i dont want new friends, my old friends were perfect, i dont understand why they're being so mean to me all of a sudden.
so now im sitting here crying with makeup all over my face, i have to wash my face fucking AGAIN and put pajamas back on, i wasted makeup and lotion for nothing :’( i just want more food.

i am in extreme bitch mode right now.
NO I WILL NOT BUM YOU A CIGARETTE FUCK OFF

i really just wanna go home this weekend. i do not want to deal with these immature ridiculous people. i don't have any money for drugs, so there is no point in starving alone in my dorm all weekend when i can be bingeing and purging at home with my family.
my logic makes sense okay fuck off okay

it is so easy to be a zombie during the day. i dont ever think about anything really. but before i go to sleep everything crawls into bed with me, and i cant sleep. i laid in my bed last night from 10 until 2, awake, crying, finally fell asleep, and woke up way too early today at 6:30.
:/ i dont really know what else to post about.
i hate everything. i just wish it would all end. im tired of people being all like, "oh it could be worse, you could be dead" or "at least you're still breathing"
like, HELLO NEWSFLASH the fact that i AM still breathing is THE WHOLE MOTHER FUCKING PROBLEM.
i fucking hate people. seriously. nobody understands.
i dont want you to cheer me up, i dont want your fucking advice. i dont want you to talk me into or out of anything.
all i want is someone to listen, to actually for real hear me, and at least try to understand. i want to be able to talk without having to get bullshit feedback.
i just want to not be alive anymore. this isn't worth it.

GOOD DAY #2 :D

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
im so hyper idk why im just gonna go be crazay okaykay?? :DDD

it has been wayyyy too long since i have drank this much water :O i'm peeing like every ten minutes. when i first started this i did like 6 day water fasts where i would drink 20 glasses of water a day and i didn't pee this much then!!! i don't get it. dehydration sucks :p
but maybe this will help me bust through this rough spot i've been at for like a year. i need to be in the 30s soon. i felt probably 147 ish this morning, but i don't have a scale in my dorm so :(
i have classes today, then workout tonight. i have all my food already laid out and sorted and ready to go that way when i go to eat i don't have to think about "hmm what should i eat oh this looks good but it has calories nvm i wont eat" planning ahead is really helping me this time. i ended yesterday right at about 600 calories, and today will be about the same depending on if i eat all the popcorn i packed for myself while i'm on campus today.
i need some money :( being a broke college kid sucks, all i have really is vegetables and popcorn and cereal. i need protein. i have beans but that's about it. i will be out of protein shakes by the end of this week :( hopefully i can talk my grandma into getting me some. or at least giving me some money for like eggs and soymilk and stuffs.
meh.
i'm kind of apathetically hopeful today. i know that sounds like a weird combination, trust me, it feels just as weird as it sounds lol
i have philosophy class in 20 minutes, i will update you guys later tonight on how i did today :)
btw, how is everyone else doing? i'm trying really hard to keep up with your blogs. there are so many! i love this community, i really do :) <3

bad stuff first, i need to vent:
ok so my friend D was like a bunch of us are going to applebees at 9:30 we would love it if you came, i'll buy you dessert!! :DDD
........................
I SERIOUSLY WANNA FUCKING KILL HIM IN THE THROAT I AM SO PISSED HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DID HE FORGET THE LAST TIME I WAS IN APPLEBEES AND HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE I HAD A FUCKING PANIC ATTACK?!?!?!?!
i fucking hate people. also, he knows i have NO money and its fucking 9:30, im deff going to sleep soon wtfff AND WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EAT SO LATE AT NIGHT?!!??!
i hate them. they are the nicest people ever but their niceness is what kept me from losing more weight over summer >:( fucking fatass american bitches.
i need skinny friends.

other news :D good day so far, let's hope i can get to sleep soon though so i don't binge. late nights are the worst :p
BUT i hardcore worked out today for the first time since like the middle of july :D and my muscles hurt. i am going to post my dailyplate thingy on here every single day until my birthday.
my plan is to do 30 min. cardio and 30 min. weights a day at the very least, and if i feel up to it, burn at least 500 calories during cardio. if not, then 30 minutes will do (~350 calories, usually once i get to that point i HAVE to make it a more even number though lol)
i am back! how is everyone? :D

in 15 days i turn 20.
i got high last night and had munchies like i haven't had in a loooooooooooong time :(
so i ate a bag of popcorn, a can of mixed nuts, and like 3 servings of cookie crisp cereal, and a protein shake haha

bleh... diet time!

max 700 calories a day.
i'm going to start drinking water again, like 10 cups a day at least.
at least 2 vegetables a day.
i need to stop eating so many nuts (no really salted mixed nuts, trail mix, etc... it's horrible it's like my tongue has a fetish for them lol)
and i need to exercise. i'm gonna try for 1 hour a day. 30 min. weights, 30 min. cardio.

i always do better the first few days if i say i'm on a "diet" i know dieting is bad, and usually people gain weight after they quit their diets, but this is't really a diet in the first place.
if i could continue this for the rest of the year............. :0
i wish i knew how much i weigh right now :( im so bloated aaaaaaaaaa fuck salt

also, after my birthday i'm doing abc again.
i'll update later, i have class in an hour, then i'm spending the rest of the day in the library
(or at least until like 6, then i'll go to they gym) :p

i just wanna say real quick...

that these guys are awesome :)
run, beth, kes, karolina, sam lupin, molly, and of course charlie and peri
<3<3<3<3<3<3
thanks so much for bearing with me while i am a whiny little bitch :p lol

meh. back to my dorm in like an hour. back to being a hippie and not eating and playing my guitar all over campus.
im never buying food again. after i get my tattoo, my money will be spent on cigarettes first, alcohol second, and weed third.
and whatever other drugs i feel like doing :p
(disclaimer: i am not a druggie, i don't do drugs every day, i don't even smoke cigarettes everyday. i'm generally a good student when i'm not in depressed-agoraphobic-bingepurgeinmydormallday mode, and i usually hide in the library doing homework. i don't thin kthere is anything wrong with getting fucked up on the weekends after my homework is done)
((and it beats the shit out of spending money on shit food. happy times :D))

also, i weighed 151 saturday morning, 149 yesterday morning, and 149 this morning. bleh. it could have been worse.

i seriously need to stop all this eating thing. i've been compulsively eating all day, it's 1:30 in the afternoon and i have had 900 calories. a good bit of it was protein though, so it's not all bad, but i have the whole day ahead of me and i'm already over my safe limits :( i'm really close to going over into the freak-out zone, like if i go over 1000 it almost always triggers a binge/purge and then well everyone knows what happens from there. my teeth hurt from purging so much yesterday so i didn't want to purge today but.......
ugh and i was supposed to fast today because i have to go to a baseball game tonight and i wanted to wear cute clothes but nothing fits me anyway except metal band shirts and loose jeans bleh
meh. i feel so like apathetic. i need a cigarette <3

post#1

lost 2 lbs since school started. even after binge last night :/ not enough.
im not eating until after my birthday.

post#2
i am an emotional wreck i went to my little brothers football game and cried because he plays with so much heart..
wtf is wrong with me?

post#3
i had an amazing day!
i feel manic :D
wooooooooooo
and i have been purging all day but that is besides the point because today was awesome and i love my little brother <333

post#4
i purged like 5 gallons of water today... like, not food, like i binged on water??? wtf???
all these came from today btw, in order.... im a bipolar mess :p

whenever i see girls complain about bingeing on like 200 or even 600 calories, i think to myself that i must be a bigger failure than them, because i binged on like 4000, and couldn't purge it all out :(
but for the life of me, i cannot ever seem to purge small quantities >:( if i have like a piece of cake i cant just go throw it up and it pisses me off more than ever.

home for the weekend so i can binge on something besides spaghetti and ramen :D
in other news, i atually had a great day? like wtf??
i picked up my guitar for the first time in months and played a simple G chord and i felt like sweeney todd "at last! my arm is complete again!"
i feel almost complete. still suicidal, just more at peace with it.

post-binge, pre-purge, friend texts me: wanna get high?
*anger/leave me alone!*
*remember how amazing being high is right after you throw everything up*
*spend half an hour purging, drinking water, re-purging, etc*
*needs excuses as to why it took me half an hour to walk downstairs*
*get downstairs*
*stomach ache*
>:( grrr

i had a dream last night that i went to my grandma's and she had a LOT of candy, like my favorite kind, like snicker's and reese's and just ugh and in my dream i ate like all of them...
since i woke up, i cannot stop thinking about candy and i fucking WANT IT so bad :( but i have no money for candy. and no cigarettes left. so if i did have money i would spend it on cigarettes instead of candy anyways :(
my plan from now on is to only spend money on drugs and alcohol. and juice. i love juice.
no more food for meeee
especially not candy ugh :(

oh, also, i turn 20 in 20 days :'( i never wanted to live this long. fml.
but suicide never works for me.... i fail at life, and death, so wtf am i supposed to do now?!

also also, my legs have been numb, like all day... like im scared to try and walk cuz everytime i get up i fall lol im like those toys that stand straight and when you push the button they like crumble... oh shit, that was an amazing metaphor for my life............ i just mindfucked myself wtf mindmasturbation whattt