Wednesday, June 17, 2009


I'm lovin this high right now. Yesterday, I followed through with absolutely nothing but water. AND I walked to my friends house (30 minutes), we rode bikes (probably thirty minutes total), and we went to the track at the nearest high school. She only walked, and rode her bike, and was insanely jealous of me because I definitely ran one lap, walked three, and ran up and down the really big steps twice!!! Yay for exercise! I think were going to go again today, but only after I finish cleaning my house because it's disgusting, and I'm home alone and feel like I cannot live like this. Then unless it rains, I'm going to lay in my yard for two hours, because I am going to be black by the end of summer! Lol, not really, I'm just competing with my mom, to see who can get the best tan.
It's always a competition with her, who can have the darkest tan, who can grow their hair out the longest, who can have the whitest teeth, who can lose the most weight... And trust me, I put in way over twice the effort she ever has, and I will win. I can show her up. I'll prove to her that no matter what she says, and no matter how many horribly nasty things she says to me, I will be better than her.
And someday, when I have children, I'm going to show them love, and tenderness, and the opposite of competition. I want them to feel good in their own skin, and never ever have to go through this.
Because even though this is the most amazing feeling ever, I hate it sometimes. I hate it when I look in the mirror, and feel like damn, why can't I just snap my fingers and look how I want, or when my brain shuts off, and I go into holocaust survivor mode, and eat two bowls of spaghetti, garlic bread, ice cream, and two poptarts, and then some triscuits smothered in cheese.... I hate it most when I wake up in the morning, and can barely move, but move anyways. I stand up too fast, nd everything goes black for a little bit, and I can barely see straight, and I have to walk it off, like nothing happened, because I can't let my family see that I'm hurting myself like this. There's no physical evidence, other than my weight loss, so they can't ship me off to a hospital for cutting or substance abuse. Now all I have to worry about is hiding my dizzy spells. And my lack of consumption. Which isn't too hard. I mean, today is garbage day, so I'm definitely throwing out food again, to keep it away from my mouth.
It makes me feel empowered.
Horribly wasteful, but empowered.
If I could ship food to Africa with nobody knowing, I totally would. Those poor kids don't want to starve, and here I am living by it, swearing by it, and loving every minute of it.
I'm a sad excuse for a human sometimes.
But damn I love it when my stomach growls. *growls* That's four times, just this morning :D
<3 stay strong


  1. Its good you have a buddy to exercise with, I wish I had that but my best friend is naturally thin and never exercises. competing with your mum is the funniest thing i've ever heard! Anyway you are doing awesome. If your stomach growls it means it's working. Stay strong!
    xoxo Farah

  2. wow, your mom sounds crazy! i can't image what she is thinking, trying to compete with her daughter! good for you though, realizing that your future children deserve love. i personally think that you shouldn't do anything just for you mom! do it for yourself. i think that she can win or loose her little "competitions" and you shouldn't even care. all that matters are your competitions with yourself, you know?

    but on the other hand i do understand how hard it is to not care about your families opinions. i still cry sometimes when members of my extended family "talk" (more like yell at or tease) to me about being vegetarian or not studying to be a doctor anymore. like all i want is support and acceptance!

    i hate black out moments! they freak me out! i get them basically anytime i bend over and stand up in the shower...don't know why.