Tuesday, June 30, 2009

warning, this blog contains triggers and really is only me talking to myself

thats how i feel right now. sorry another shit-written post but i just need to get this out i feel so weak right now . i just got home from the beach i didnt eat like a whole lot but i did eat fuit and most of my sandwich and swedish fish and now i really really really have to go to the track to avoid a binge i need to get out of my house i feel like im going insane i want to binge so bad i wanna go make blueberry oatmeal pancakes and cookies and veggie burgers and eat triscuits and the rest of that peanut butter i got home and my stomach was all like "its my time now" and im trying really hard to resisit it and i knew if i blogged about it that it would keep me distracted enough until my water freezes and then i can go to the track and not come home untill way too late for dinner and if im still hungry maybe eat a lot of lettuce. because lettuce is safe. maybe even celery. with mustard. cuz theres no calories. my intake for today: 400 calories. i hate myself. no, i dont, its ok, its ok, i dont need more food, just calm down.....when i get to the track im doing everything double today so it will take longer and then i will feel better i dont need food i dont need it its ok it will be ok if i just get out of my house im going to get my water and my bike and just leave because after i exercise i will feel better and i wont even want to eat anymore
i blogged in hopes of making myself less emotional about this. thank god it worked. even though i feel like an insane person. but starving does that to you. wait, no i ate today. im starving tomorrow.
i really need to go but i cant make myself go please somebody make me go so i wont eat my mom probably knows something is up now because i just started crying ok im leaving before she starts asking questions omg why does my house small like peanut butter it smells so good oh my fucking jesus christ in heaven i must leave this house right now

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