Friday, June 26, 2009

woooo!

According to my daily plate, Yesterday (even though I ate) I burned 3230, but yesterday I also consumed about 2730 calories.
Not so good :(
Today, however, I consumed 223 calories (of coffee, juice, and chocolate soymilk). It says that I burned about 1860 calories total today :) Now that I love to see :) And both days I had a calorie deficit, and my total deficit for yesterday and today is 2150, so if I go burn like 1350 more calories I will have lost a pound of fat! Yay! That can be burnt off easily tonight.. I burn 625 calories just by sleeping nine hours. And I'm planning on doing soem crunches tonight as well, and loads of them tomorrow :)
I'm so happy right now.
I went to the track today, and did waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than what I expected to :) I ran the equivalent to two laps instead of one :D I think next time I'm going to try running a half a lap without stopping instead of just a fourth. Finally! I'm so excited for this. I only have a month and a half untill school starts back, meaning a month and a half to get into good enough shape to be able to run at least a lap or two without stopping. Which si onyl half a mile, so it's not too impressive for most, but for me that is freaking amazing!!!
My favorite part about exercise is when I'm riding my bike home, and I'm almost home, and I remember that two hours ago, I soooo did not want to go outside in the heat, and work my body to its limits, and sweat (ew...). But by that point, I'm almost home, and I get this big smile on my face, and the most awesome warm feeling in my chest, like yes, I did it. I can be fit, and exercise like normal people do. I can do more than normal people do. I can do more than I ever dreamed I could will my body to do! Then when I get home, I put my bike away, I turn on the ceiling fan in the living room, I go get some icy cold water, and take every single thing off of my body (because nobody is home yet), including letting my hair down. And I lay down, stark naked, in the very center of my living room floor. I feel every muscle in my body pulse with my heartbeat. I can actually feel the blood pumping through my veins. And I catch my breath, under the cold air of my fan, and relax. Twenty minutes at least. I love it. I'm not even thinking about how gross my body is right now, because at this point in time, all I can feel when I close my eyes is the burn of my muscles. YES, I have muscles under there somewhere! And they burn! That means I did something right. And even though my stomach is still pudgey, and my thighs still jiggle when I walk, just knowing that I have muscle tissue underneath, waiting to emerge and face the world, is enough to make me forget how much I hate myself. How can I hate myself when I just finished pushing myself to the uppermost limit? To the very edge of the cliff of my willpower. I push myself primarily for these moments. It is these moments when I feel like I'm getting somewhere, like I'm working really hard to get what I want. To reach my ultimate goal of beauty and thinness. And even though I'm not there yet, it is these moments that keep me going strong. I will be thin one day., I'll prove it to my friends, my peers, my family. I'll prove it to the kids who made fun of me for being the fat kid in elementary school, to the skinny girls in the locker rooms in middle school, who would snicker behind my chubby back. I'll prove to my mother that I can be beautiful too, that I can lose weight. I'll show the whole entire world.
Heather can be pretty.
Just you wait and see.
<3

3 comments:

  1. i don't know why but reading that ment a lot to me. I feel the same when i'm almost home after exercising. and i do the same entirely naked thing! except my family is home so i have to stay in my room. I just had the worst day but reading this makes me feel...INSPIRED! We can both do it! but we wont "be beautiful too" we will be MORE beautiful!!

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  2. aww yeah we will be so much more beautiful than almost every girl ever :)
    yay!
    i'm glad your inspired :)
    it makes me happy :)
    :) :) :) :)
    hehe
    hooray for nudism!!!!
    haha

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  3. You are so freaking awesome!

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