Monday, June 15, 2009

sadness kicks in

I love my best friend. I love most of all how she won't judge me, no matter how much I eat in her presence. Mostly, because she knows I won't judge her, even if she eats two bagels, but only after eating pizza, cheese sticks, and two bowls of cereal. We didn't even throw it up afterwards. I'm so sorry I couldn't resist the pizza. I blame myself, because I'm the one who brought in the first plate.
And for what? To wake up this morning with a fucking knot the size of Alaska in my tummy and the strongest desire to continue the weekend's binges.
Seriously though, I ate like my whole body weight in food every single day for the past like 4 days. How in the hell does one person gain ten pounds in four fucking days?!?!?!
So anyways, I ate two peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches today, and cooked a pot of rice with steamed veggies. But while the rice was still boiling, I told myself NO. Imagine that. All it takes is to tell myself "NO!!!"
I rather screamed it, and my dog ran into the next room. I'm sorry I scared him with my screaming, and my throwing a whole big huge pot of rice out the back door. Please don't let my mother find that.
The last few days have been so sad for me. I've cried more than I can ever remember crying, even though I should be happy. I've lost somewhere around 35 pounds since december, I have an amazing best friend, and an amazing oyfriend who tells me "There isn't an ounce of fat on your body" and "You're not fat, just heavy. Which is ok, because that means you have sexy muscles."
muscles, my ass! Actually, no, the muscles on my ass aren't that great. I know they're under there somewhere, under all this blubber. Lard. Fat. Disgusting.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I don't give a flying fuck. I need to vent.
I'm going to try to fast tomorrow. If I make it through the day, I should be fine. I went six days last week without solid food, and got down to 166 pounds, the lowest I can ever remember being. Ever. But now I'm back up to 180, because I'm a fat kid at heart, and something inside me, like a split personality, kicks in after day six, and takes over. I'm going to call her Karen.
Karen, listen to me, you mother fucking bitch. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you are ruining my life. I fucking hate you, and your disgusting fat body. Leave me alone, and stop making me eat. You hurt me so much, and I cannot take it anymore.
I have to lose at least five pounds by friday.
I exercised all day long. I hope that did something. Anything.
I have an audition tonight for a musical. Wish me luck.
And please, never giv in to temptation. It hurts, and afterwards, you'll feel like low as dirt, like the biggest fattest piece of shit that ever walked on the earth.
I'm trying to teach myself how to say no to myself.
I hope this changes things.
I will be beautiful

1 comment:

  1. sadly, i know how you feel. I went on a 2 day binge and gained 5 pounds. I was like "how can you possibly gain 5 pounds in 2 days!?!" But if i can push past it, so can you. Stay strong. Think thin xo