weirdness

I'm shaking. Like violently. I just took a shower, thinking it was my nerves, and that a warm shower would calm me down, but I feel really dizzy and stuff...

I don't have a ride to my audition. :( But I did go on saturday, and I just got off the phone with the director, and she said that it was ok, so I think it's going to be ok.

My body is aching with.... I dunno. It burns all over on the inside, and I'm like really antsy but not in a hyper way in more of a my body is shaking weirdly kind of way. I really want some cold water.

*******************************

Mmmm. Not cold enough, but still good. I feel really clean. Kind of. My hair smells good.

Oh my gosh. I tried that saltwater flush thing. I got half the water down, and gave up. It was so gross. Like, I never want to go to the ocean ever again. The taste stayed in my mouth for like ever, and I felt really bloated, and so I drank a lot of water today. Almost 4 bottles. And I did pilates for 15 minutes, and then Tae-Bo (hahahaa), and some other workout tapes my mom had, and later I'm going to do my other daily routine exercises. I might do extra though, since I ate today. Here's the breakdown:

2 sandwhich flatroll things: 200 cals

jelly: about 150 cals

peanut butter: probably 300 cals

total: 650 cals.

Damn. I suck at life. It's not too terribly bad, but considering my bestie and I ate probably 2000 calories last night in the span of about 2 hours, this sucks. I am desperate for a cleansing 2 day fast, water only. Then after that, I'll allow some juices, maybe a small salad. I need to lose 30 pounds this summer. 150. 150 by the time school starts. Size 9 maybe. Still fat, but tons better than I was in december. I really need to work on my abs. I hate my stomach. It's so gross and flabby. Ugh. I could vent forever about every little thing on my body. Hey!!! Perfect time to go find measuring tape. Something I have not done in a while...

height: 66" (5'6")

neck: 14"

bust: 402"

just under bust: 35"

waist: 32"

hips: 41"

butt: 45"

thighs: l= 25" r=25"

calves: l= 16" r=16"

upper arms: l=13" r= 13"

forearm: l= 9.5" r= 9.5"

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm so huge. Seriously?!?!! 40 inches of bust???? That's insane. Except, I do love having a bra size of 36D. That's quite nice. It used to be 38DD, Which actually was pretty big. And I am kind of sad to be able to fit into a 36C bra now as well, because some of my D ones are getting bigger. I dunno.

Omg but my waist size is most definitely the worst. 32 inches. Thats about 10 inches I would like to lose. Size charts say I should be a size xl, and that I should wear a size 14 jeans. That's even worse. Because I definitely cant fit my size 14s anymore, and my xl shirts hang on me like nothing. I can fit my size ten jeans fine, and a size l shirt fits comfortably. I would like to be a size 5 ish and wear medium shirts. Thats my ultimate goal, because I honestly cant even imagine myself as a size zero. But who knows, maybe one day :)

I quit shaking. That's good.

I did something today that most people find apalling: I took laxatives. No, not my first time, and certainly not my last, but still. No, I won't lie to you and say that it's just another way of purging, because it most definitely doesn't promote weight loss. Yes, it can be rather nasty if you do it the wrong way, like girls who take handfulls at a time. I've never taken more than six at a time, and the results came like the next day, so it wasn't like immediate relief like throwing up, which is why most bulimics choose to throw up instead, but it made me feel better nonetheless. Like, yeah, I ate all that food, but instead of punishing my body with the harmful effects of purging, I'll just cleanse, fast, and start over the next day. So anyways, I took four today, and I'm going to take maybe 2-4 more before I go to bed. That way I'll wake up with an empty stomach, then empty out everything else, and have only water tomorrow. Sort of like a detox. I love detoxing. Not only do I lose weight, but my brain can think clearer, and I can breathe better.

So as you might be able to tell, I keep going on and on about stuff... I'm trying to stay sidetracked. If I'm constantly typing then I'm burning calories, and even better, not consuming any. I hope I burned off most of what I ate today. Tomorrow, I'm going to walk to my friend's house and get my bike, and ride home. I left it there the day before yesterday. Oops. I was too lazy to ride it back home :/ But tomorrow I will go get it. Then everyday this week, along with my routine stuff, I'm going to do my 8-minute tae-bo thingy, the 15-minute pilates thingy, and ride my bike around the block. I hope I can stick to it.

And by all means necessary, I will NOT go into the kitchen. No freezer, no pantry, no cabinets. Water or juice. Maybe tea with splenda, after two days of just water. If I can stick to this, I'm promising myself a salad on like thursday or friday. Then I'll have a tiny salad everyday. But thats it. No more. I have to lose this weight.