Monday, May 30, 2011

fuck it

When I was little, I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be a nurse, a vet, in the army, a singer, a writer, in a band, a model, a superstar… I was everything to jake, and I guess that is enough for me. now I have nothing. All I have are memories, something I cant even physically hold on to. I have nothing to hold onto. I don’t have jake to hold onto me, and I don’t have him to hold onto. All I really ever needed in life was peace, love, and happiness. Jake gave me all of those things and so much more. I wanted to be everything, and I was his everything, and now he is gone, so now my life has no purpose. I don’t have meaning. All my friends want to be here for me, they are all doing what they know how to do and that is to simply bew a friend. I don’t need friends. Friends cannot goive me peace love or happiness. I really do love their efforts they mean a lot to me but its not the same. Why am I breathing right now? Im in my dorm, and tomorrow when I wake up I will go to the gym. Why? To keep myself healthy. I will probably eat breakfast. Why? To keep myself healthy. Why be healthy? So I can concentrate on classes and make god grades to get a degree. Why? So I will be successful and make my family proud and bring them honor. Why? So my children will not have to suffer like I did.
Wait, I cannot have kids, because I don’t have someone to make babies with anymore. The thought of being with someone else is not even a thought, it’;s a lie. Why have kids anyway? To bring more innoxcent victims into this fucked up world? I could never do that.
So I get a degree, im rich, I help people with their shit. What good does that do me? I become a zombie like every other fucking person. I have enough money to retire. Money wont make me happy. Money will be spent on vodka trying to numb the pain so I can function as a zombie like everyone else.
Fuck it. There’s no point in being alive if im just living to die.there is no good reason not to die. I am more content when I am by myself than when I have people crawling down my throat to make sure ‘im ok’ and ‘if I need anything just let me know’ well I don’t need anything. I need jake. And hes not coming back.
I starved myself half my fucking life, and for what? I wanted to disappear, to not exist. I don’t want to kill myself, but if I could have one wish it would be to die. I tried to die for so long and im still fucking here, dealing with the fucking consequences. Jake loved life, he lived his life to the fullest, he never took any opportunity for granted, and he’s gone. Poof. Do not pass go. What the fuck is wrong with me? why him and not me? why do the good people die and the rest is left to suffer and hate everything?
I wish I could crawl into a bottle of vodka and ferment and have someone drink me in and piss me out and flush me into the ocean where my existence would be scattered all across the ocean, the whole world. That wouldn’t do any good either.
Im skinny, but not skinny enough. 137, lowest ever, not low enough to cause worry.
Just you wait.
People are worrying about me now ehn I don’t need them to. Im perfectly fine right now. I hjust wanna be left alone. Just wait, I’ll show you something to fucking worry about.
I’m not done yet. I have a purpose, and right now that purpose is to die. Everyone will die at some point. So why not me? why not now? Why not when I finally step onto the scale, take a deep breath, look down, see the needle point firmly to ‘100’, and then just pass out? Why not me?
30 pounds to lose. Ive done way more than that before, so this should be easy.


  1. Too many fucking awesome people are dying right now. Its not cool.

    They only gave me TWO FUCKING DAYS bereavement leave, I was closer to Grandpa than I was to Mum.

    Fuck, wherever they've gone Jake and grandpa had so better NOT be swapping stories about us. *Cringe* (I believe in some sort of afterlife, but not the Christian dialectic)

    I'm not going to leave you alone, so what can I do? Dammit I wanna get drunk and cry with you right now. Stoned workouts anyone?

    Love you ohsomuch. *Snuggles*

  2. You said your boyfriend lived his life to the fullest and loved you more than anything, so he wouldn't want you to make your purpose in life to die! Even though he's not physically with you anymore, he's with you in spirit, and you can still live your life for him. You can laugh at death in the face by being happy. Being happy can be the sweetest revenge. I understand what you're going through, because I have a boyfriend who makes me feel like I am definition of perfection, and if I lost him, I would lose everything. I understand your pain. It's horrible, but if Jake is like the man you've described, he does not want death for you. He wants life and happiness for you. Stay strong, love. You're beautiful.

  3. Death does not discriminate. It's senseless and it hurts. But even though Jake is gone, you still deserve so much happiness in your life. Jake lived his life to the fullest, and he would want you to live your life the same way. Follow in his footsteps. Even though your time together was cut short, I hope you can look back on it and smile about the good times you were together. I love you.

  4. Exactly what Lita and Felicia said. I couldn't have said it better myself.

    I love you, and I'm here.

  5. There is a God that loves you more than your boyfriend possibly could. He loves you to the point of death. It's not about religion, it's about filling your heart with a love that seems so distant and makes everything seem so dark when you are not with it that you feel like giving up. Even REM sang, "Everybody Hurts Sometimes." God knew that before good ole Mikey did. Your weight does not define you, and you are allowed your time to grieve, and it does hurt when you lose the ones you love, but you are alive because you have purpose, otherwise you would not have been born. Jake had a purpose to and he died because his purpose in life was fulfilled. When you go to meet God you can ask Him, Why God Why did you let Jake go?